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Three siblings, two girls and and a boy, are playing in their fathers study when they find a packet of their fathers rifle bullets. Being young they swallow the bullets and their parents rush them to the doctors. The doctor says that the children should pass the bullets naturally in a few years and tells the parents they should be fine. Some years later one of the girls goes to their mother and says "Mummy, I've done a bad thing".

"What's happened, sweetie?" the mother asks.

"I pooped out a bullet in the toilet" the little girl replies. The mother sits the girl on her lap and explains.

A couple of days later her second daughter comes to her and says "Mum, I've done something bad"

"Did you pass a bullet in the toilet?"

"Yes, how did you know?". The mother sits her daughter on her lap and explains.

A few days later the boy comes to his mother and says "Mum, I done something bad"

"Did you pass a bullet in the toilet?" she inquires.

"No, I farted and shot the cat"

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A Navy walks into a tent and sees a scorpion. He grabs a stick and gets it out of his tent.

 

An Army guy walks into a tent and sees a scorpion and crushes it under his boot.

 

A Marine walks into a tent, sees a scorpion, picks it up, snaps off the stinger and eats the scorpion.

 

An Air Force guy walks into a tent, calls the front desk and asks, "who put a tent in my hotel room"?

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Kid dresses up as a pirate for Halloween. He's out trick-or-treating, comes up to one house and rings the doorbell- a woman opens the door, and he greets her with, "Aaargh, me bucko!"

 

The woman says, "Hey, that's a great pirate outfit! But where are your buccaneers?"

 

The kid answers, "Under me buckin' hat." :huh:

That was one my dad told me over and over. :)
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My Uncle from Washington, In. was a Mortician. He wanted me to 'join the trace' when I got old enough. NO WAY, said I. He was an IMMENSE practical joker with an INSANELY SICK humor streak! One time when he and his wife were up here visiting, the phone rang, and he grabbed the phone quickly and said: "Morningstar's Morgue! You stab 'em and we Slab 'em!" whereupon my Mom grabbed the phone and whispered tersely, "JIM! What if that had been the Pastor?!" to which he replied, "Well, they gotta die too!" I wish I could remember some of his jokes! :banana:
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A father is window shopping at the flea market one Sunday.

He passes a booth that is selling "Lie Detecting Robots"!

Curious he enters the booth area and is greeted by the operator.

The operator explains that once the robot detects a "Lie" it will smack the person lying.

Dad says "I have to try this out on my son!" and purchases the robot.

Once home Dad gets the robot all set up in the kitchen and calls for his son to join him.

When the son enters the kitchen Dad asks "where were you last night?"

Son says "At the Library!"

Robot smacks the son!

The son says "Okay okay I was at Billy's house!"

Dad asks "And what were you doing?'

Son says "Watching a movie!"

Dad- "what movie?"

Son- "Toy Story!"

Robot smacks the son again!

Son- "Okay Okay it was porn!"

Dad- "WHAT!! When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!!!"

Robot smacks Dad!

Mom laughs out loud and says "Well he certainly is your boy!"

Robot smacks Mom!!

 

:laughing guy: :LMAO: :laughing guy:

Edited by Crimsonmistymemory
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A number of notable birthdays today. Author Brad Meltzer turns 49, Scottish singer Susan Boyle is 58, Internet Personality Logan Paul turns 24, Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito is 69, Political Commentator Rachel Maddow is 46, and French Business Magnate Gerard Mestrallet would've been 70.

 

April Fools! French Business Magnate Gerard Mestrallet is alive and well!

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(My 82 year old mother told me this joke just a couple months back)

 

A man is suffering with erectile dysfunction. As he is embarrassed about it, his wife, Mary, goes to the local pharmacy to pick something to help.

 

Mary goes to the pharmacist and says "Hey Tom, how's this new ED medication we've heard so much about?".

 

Tom says "Oh, I've heard that it does an awesome job, definitely worth all the hype".

 

Mary says "That's great, can you get it over the counter?".

 

To which Tom replies "Maybe if I took two".

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There are plans in the works for a new film focusing on Baroque composers and will be produced/portrayed by 'action heroes' of film.

 

When they sat down to decide on roles.....

Chuck Norris spoke up first, "I think I would like to be Vivaldi"

Sylvester Stallone chimed in next, "I'll portray Handel"

Arnold Schwarzenegger added, "I'll be Bach"

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Woman goes to a tattoo parlor and asks for two bees to be tattooed on her buttocks. When she gets home, she shows her new tattoo to her husband.

 

Husband, bending down, stares at the inkings, looks puzzled, then straightens up. "Who's 'BOB'?" he asks.

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An couple in their 80's is at the Doctor for their annual checkup.

The Dr. Tell them both they're in excellent health for their age but wants them to get in the habit of writing things down because if they haven't noticed things are going to start slipping.

When they get home the old woman tells the man she wants some ice cream. The old man gets up to get her some. She askes him if he is going to write it down like the Dr. said to. He says he can remember ice cream. She then says she wants strawberries with the ice cream. He says ok no problem. She again askes if he is going to write it down. He says he can remember 2 things. She then says she also wants whipped cream on the ice cream and strawberries. The old man says on his way to the kitchen no problem. She excaims for him to write it down! He says babe I got this! 20 minutes later the old man returns and sets down a plate on bacon and eggs for his lady. She looks very puzzled as she looks up and askes, Well where's my toast???

:laughing guy: :LMAO: :laughing guy:

Edited by Crimsonmistymemory
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A number of notable birthdays today. Author Brad Meltzer turns 49, Scottish singer Susan Boyle is 58, Internet Personality Logan Paul turns 24, Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito is 69, Political Commentator Rachel Maddow is 46, and French Business Magnate Gerard Mestrallet would've been 70.

 

April Fools! French Business Magnate Gerard Mestrallet is alive and well!

 

Stone Temple Pilots got signed to Atlantic Records that day in 1992. Robert DeLeo actually thought it was a joke.

 

Sadly, Marvin Gaye was shot by his dad on that day just after his comeback success with Sexual Healing.

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(My 82 year old mother told me this joke just a couple months back)

 

A man is suffering with erectile dysfunction. As he is embarrassed about it, his wife, Mary, goes to the local pharmacy to pick something to help.

 

Mary goes to the pharmacist and says "Hey Tom, how's this new ED medication we've heard so much about?".

 

Tom says "Oh, I've heard that it does an awesome job, definitely worth all the hype".

 

Mary says "That's great, can you get it over the counter?".

 

To which Tom replies "Maybe if I took two".

:LOL:
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A man walks into a bar and orders 9 double brandy's and drinks the lot down one after another.

 

The drunk man then says .."I should not have drunk those with what I have got"

 

The concerned barman asks .."why what do you have?"

 

The drunk man replies "f..k all!"

Edited by condemned2bfree
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Man walks into a chemists and asks for condoms half a centimetre long

 

"half a centimetre long" exclaimed the incredulous assistant "that would only fit a mouse"

 

"yes" replied the customer "they're breeding like crazy at our house!"

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