Saying "I Love You"

[Tombstone Mountain]

I want to add that my mother wasn't in any real sense a "bad" mother. We had the best of everything materially. But when it came to our emotional needs, she was not capable. Also, she was very demanding and nothing that I ever did was good enough. Even when I had tried the best I could, it was never enough or good enough for her.

Seems like we had similar experiences in some ways. Five years ago or so my mom was up for a visit and we were having breakfast in Truckee, CA, on our way to Napa. Out of the bluse she says, "I would have been happy to never have had kids." I chuckled to myself.

Makes you wonder how much joy she could grasp being a parent. That's a tough one goose

Yeah. I always had a sense that she felt unfulfilled. A very bright lady, talented musician, who married young and had a decent life but not the one that might have been.

Well, YOU certainly have sucked the marrow of life. Your family is loved. Your children have, from what I can tell, a great relationship with you. Guess you didn't want them to grow up with the uncertain emotions of such a ride you endured.

[librarian]

I want to add that my mother wasn't in any real sense a "bad" mother. We had the best of everything materially. But when it came to our emotional needs, she was not capable. Also, she was very demanding and nothing that I ever did was good enough. Even when I had tried the best I could, it was never enough or good enough for her.

Seems like we had similar experiences in some ways. Five years ago or so my mom was up for a visit and we were having breakfast in Truckee, CA, on our way to Napa. Out of the bluse she says, "I would have been happy to never have had kids." I chuckled to myself.

:| I wasn't at work right now I would cry.

That's nice...thanks. I felt sad for her, both because of the sense that she felt so unfulfilled and because she felt compelled to say that out loud...at that time. In a weird way, it was her attempt to try to explain how things had been, I think. It's strange to know that you're more well-adjusted than your parents...and always have been.

 

How people can just come out and say that seriously to their children just makes me wince.

 

My parents split up when I was 7 and my dad (d.2001) always told me and my brother he loved us over the phone, in cards, and when we saw him on the weekends.

 

For years I have waited for my mother to tell me something like that (I shouldn't have had have kids, etc.), because not only did I not hear "I love you" until I was in my mid to late 20-s,

her actions have always spoke louder to me in dealing with me + relationships with other family members. So now when people tell me they "love" me now, It bounces right off me.

I need a time out :fury:

[Lorraine]

When I read about other women or men who were raised in a warm, affirming and loving environment, I sometimes wonder how i would have turned out had it been that way for me.

[Narps]

When I read about other women or men who were raised in a warm, affirming and loving environment, I sometimes wonder how i would have turned out had it been that way for me.

I grew up in that type of environment but I can't remember my mother or father every saying it when I was growing up. I know my father didn't and he still hasn't to this day but I know he does. You most likely would have been different but in what way its hard to say. My wife's family was and is always lovey dovey and it took me a long time to get used to it and for her to get used to my family's "style" of unspoken love... Edited May 18, 2015 by Narps

[toymaker]

When I read about other women or men who were raised in a warm, affirming and loving environment, I sometimes wonder how i would have turned out had it been that way for me.

 

Although I've never met you personally, I can say that you're a pretty great cyber-friend! And the same certainly goes for the rest of the fine Rushfreaks on here!

:cheers:

[goose]

http://browncafe.com/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/group-hug.gif

[Tombstone Mountain]

When I read about other women or men who were raised in a warm, affirming and loving environment, I sometimes wonder how i would have turned out had it been that way for me.

I'm like that with people who grew up with two parents in the home. Me and my siblings were split up because of divorce, Still feels weird.

 

However, those echo's of fear, isolation, and abandonment are just evil shadows that CAN be REAL if I don't have a community of friends.

Edited May 19, 2015 by Tombstone Mountain

[EagleMoon]

When I read about other women or men who were raised in a warm, affirming and loving environment, I sometimes wonder how i would have turned out had it been that way for me.

 

You and me both. My dad died when I was really young and my mom remarried, which started the slow downhill slide.

Edited May 19, 2015 by EagleMoon

[The Analog Grownup]

I don't recall ever saying or hearing "I love you" when growing up. I never doubted my parents love; they provided for me and they were there when I let them. The first time (and likely the only time) I told my dad I love him, was when I found out he had cancer. It was Christmas Eve and I was scared it would be my last. My dad of course said we'd have many more Christmasses to celebrate, but being with my dad that day was one of the best decisions of my life. Three months later he died. Saying "I love you" doesn't come easily when it's my family. My girlfriend had to gently "push" me for me to say it.

The moment was very heartfelt as we all ended up in a giant hug saying how much we love each other.

 

In relationships I say it easily. Not in a way that it doesn't mean anything - quite the opposite. And I say it a lot. I dont't want to spend time with someone who I don't feel deeply in love with. Anything less and I'd rather be alone. I'm filled with love and I want to share it. But my love you'd have to earn.