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Big moments in our lives rarely go as perfectly as we imagined they would based on everything we see and hear about them while we are growing up. Proposals, weddings, honeymoons are all huge things in people's lives, and most people are aware of these occurrences from a very young age. They see them on TV and in movies, and read about them in books. But those are, for the most part, fictions and fantasies. I would even venture to say that a lot of the 'real" accounts that we hear of these events are glossed over by the participants to highlight the best parts and smooth over, or totally remove, the rough spots. While it makes for a good story, it can be extremely misleading as to what one can truly expect.

This reminds me of when I proposed to my wife. I wanted to do something that stood out, but my wife is painfully shy, so no proposing at a baseball game or anything. Well, her parents were taking us with them to Sanibel Island Florida over Thanksgiving. I remembered reading that Sanibel has great beaches for sand combing. Tons of sea shells. I thought it would be cool to put a ring in a shell and give her the shell. I told her Mom my plans and she got all excited, and insisted that I let her make the shell for me. She had this tiny Conch shell, and she glued little satin straps to the inside that I could tie the ring too.

 

So fast forward...we arrive at the resort in Sanibel. Our flight was delayed so it was dark when we got to the resort. I wanted to get this done so we could celebrate the whole trip. I ask my wife to show me the resort and the beach. She says we should go eat first. Everyone knows what is going to happen, so they force her to show me around. We get out to the beach. I'm so anxious that I take maybe five steps before I bend over and fake like I'm picking up a shell. I yell to my wife "Hey...look at this cool shell." My wife sees the ribbon blowing in the breeze and yells "that's garbage. Throw it away." I try to show her the shell, but she knows I'm a big practical joker, and she moves away from me and yells again "get away from me with that garbage." I realize that she isn't going to let me catch her, so I drop to one knee, hold up the shell, and I ask her to marry me. She was so dumbfounded that all she could say was "OH MY GOD!" I told her that an answer would be nice, and of course she said yes. :) It's a really funny story, but it didn't really go down like I expected.

 

 

And Gangster. I've seen your picture that WCM posted. You're dead sexy. Your husband is a very lucky guy. If he doesn't see that, he's f***ing nuts. If you are making sure that you are being respectful, and not being bossy, and most of all COMMUNICATING HOW YOU ARE FEELING, and your husband isn't making any effort to change based on your direction...then maybe it's time to cut bait. Communication is the key. Men are not mind readers. I have to remind my wife of this incessantly...even after 11 years of marriage. :) Communication and respect...if you are giving both and not getting it in return, then you deserve better. Good luck to you. :hug2:

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Still thinking of you. :hug2:

Babycat is going to illegally marry a pack of tom cats and become the ultimate crazy cat lady! :pussy:

 

Haha! :LMAO: !

 

Hello Baby! :smoke:

 

Hello Duck! :haz:

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Still thinking of you. :hug2:

Babycat is going to illegally marry a pack of tom cats and become the ultimate crazy cat lady! :pussy:

 

Haha! :LMAO: !

 

Hello Baby! :smoke:

 

Hello Duck! :haz:

 

http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/kitten.gif

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Sorry to hear you are going through such a bad time in your life. Usually things come down to three things (Sex, Money or Religion) and if those aren't the issues you need to get out of there. To some men its all about the chase! Once that objective is achieved there's nothing left. Hence the reason he seems to respond every time you guys seek council or you ask for space. I think this might be the issue at hand. So let the Chase begin!

 

:outtahere:

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I'm 22, and just got engaged (No Treeduck you cannot be my bridesmaid :P) Anywho, I guess your engagement story just kind of made me laugh. My fiance and I had one of our biggest fights on the night he proposed. I wouldn't take the proposal back for the world though.

 

I guess I just recommend giving it time (Not that a recommendation from someone you don't know, with less experience than you, really means anything).

 

Find a marriage counselor. If he won't go with you, go alone.

 

Pray, God answers prayers.

 

Take your time with this one.

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I guess I should give you guys an update.

 

Earlier this year when Rush tickets went on sale we bought seats in Salt Lake and Denver and decided to road trip. And I used to live in Utah so we decided to spend a few days there before the show so that I could show him around and meet up with some old friends, etc...

 

The day of our trip I woke up at 5:30, worked from 7-3, we left for Park City at 4 pm and arrived there at 5:30 am the next morning SERIOUSLY talking about getting a divorce and screaming at each other. Yeah, so much fun.

 

Anyway, we got a few hours of sleep and decided that we'd still go do the things we planned in Park City so we found ourselves locked in a gondola together, going up one of the mountains and trying to hug it out even though I'm pretty sure we both wanted to push the other person out of the gondola and down the mountain. I made a smartass remark on Facebook about how we were ready for our divorce and a bunch of married friends and family members chimed in with their road trip stories, each and every one of them said it was the ultimate test of a marriage. So I calmed down a bit and thought "OK well, if EVERYBODY is saying this is normal and the majority of them are still married, maybe we can survive this." And I showed him their remarks and it calmed him down as well to know that we weren't alone in our experience.

 

During our trip we also met up with a few of my friends in Utah that I've known from anywhere from 12-16 years and we ended up talking about marriage and relationships and they gave us a lot of insight to what works and what doesn't, etc...

 

But what really helped is that when I was at my church bookstore in Salt Lake I saw this book called "The 5 Love Languages" and I really felt like I had to buy it so I did and then two nights later we were in Denver at the bar of the Hotel Monaco and we met this guy Darren, and he started talking to us and somehow marriage came up and he mentioned the book to us and said that we HAD to read it because it saved his marriage and made everything better because he and his wife began to understand each other's needs and personalities better.

 

Anyway, long story short, we ended up chatting with him for about four hours - between meeting Geddy's keyboard tech Tony, another Rush friend I knew from Facebook, and Gerry and Mario from the string section (crazy night, I know) and all the while the band Cheep Trick was in the bar as well - and it helped us A LOT.

 

Also, when we were in Salt Lake I surprised my husband with minor league baseball tickets to see the SL Bees play the Iowa Cubs (he is from Iowa and LOVES the Chicago Cubbies). During the game I got up to go get some dinner and unbeknownst to me my husband went to go get another beer. When I came back with my food his eyes were red and watery and at first I was thinking "Geeze, the beer here is only 3.5% and he's only starting his second, he can't be that drunk yet." When I sat down he told me he had been crying because after he came back to his seat he looked down and noticed his wedding ring was missing and hadn't felt it fall off or anything so he ran back up to where he had bought his beer, and into the team store and was panicking until the woman at the beer cart found it on the ground by the drain.

 

He also apologized to me about not proposing to me like he wanted to, without me bringing it up. It made things better, he said he was just really excited to give me the ring and I know he was being sincere.

 

So yeah, things aren't perfect but they are a lot better. We had a lot of help from my friends and that man that we met in Denver I think our trip to see Rush may have saved us, we'll see. :)

Edited by gangsterfurious
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Gangster, that's good news! From what you have written, it sounds to me like your husband truly loves you. Be grateful for that. Just be patient while you iron out the "kinks" :LOL: in your marriage.

 

All in all, it sounds like you had quite a memorable trip.

 

And, lest we forget:

http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t180/imzadi-7/image_zps565a4f7c.jpg

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Gangster, that's good news! From what you have written, it sounds to me like your husband truly loves you. Be grateful for that. Just be patient while you iron out the "kinks" :LOL: in your marriage.

 

All in all, it sounds like you had quite a memorable trip.

 

And, lest we forget:

http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t180/imzadi-7/image_zps565a4f7c.jpg

 

That was actually right after I broke up with Geddy. :boohoo:

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In that case, you won't be needing your "I :heart: Geddy" plate anymore. Send it to me. ;)

 

Looks like I (heart) ALEXL might be up for grabs.

 

I kind of want to experiment though. Next tour I want to be all skinny and fit and maybe blonde again and then I'll see what reaction I get.

Edited by gangsterfurious
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Sounds great Ganster! Marriage is hard, There are good years and Bad Years and these are the years you need to work through. Maybe this bad year is on its way towards being behind you now. If not buy yourself a whip! :whipgirl: Edited by losingit2k
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You guys don't have to respond to this. I just need a place to vent... Again. :(

 

The past few months I've fallen into a very deep depression, at times I've wondered if I should go home after work or drive to a bridge that people jump off of. No, I'm not trying to get attention or sympathy, I'm just being honest. I don't feel as if I have people to talk to because I live in a very lonely place. Most people that re-locate to my town freely admit to having a very hard time making friends or fitting in, it's a very closed community that doesn't welcome newcomers and is very "us vs. them" i.e. the people who've lived here their whole lives and the newbies that are here for school or work. The friends that I've had my whole life I've grown very distant from due to distance, family issues, busyness, etc...

 

So this depression has consumed and overwhelmed me completely. I now have a doctor that I am working with and it helps but most days are very dark.

 

When I saw Rush in Salt Lake City, in July this past year, it may have saved my life. I used to live in Utah and days before my 21st birthday the man I was dating assaulted me, it changed me forever in ways I could have never imagined and I hate the person this event has turned me into and feel powerless to stop it. Like hello, I'd just like to know what it's like to go outside for once without being afraid and I'd like to go to the grocery store by myself without having a mini-anxiety attack.

 

So my husband and I went to the Clockwork Angels screening last night. I was on such a high from watching it and reliving all of my memories. I have been abundantly blessed to see 6 shows on the tour this past year as well as the RRHOF induction and a Q&A session with Geddy and Alex sitting about ten feet away from me.

 

So on the way home I was telling him about all of these things. I told him that I think Rush may have saved my life. There was something for me about seeing them in the place I had been assaulted and singing songs like "The Pass", "The Anarchist", "Wish Them Well" etc... My "healing" songs that make me feel better and maybe even stronger. I was telling my husband this on the way home last night. A few days ago he asked me if I wanted to try and save up for Paris so that we could go in five years I said "No, Paris will always be standing, Rush will not." So last night I mentioned that I was so looking forward to saving up for hopefully 6-10 shows on the next tour as a group of us Geddycorns have been discussing on Facebook, and he started to holler at me about money and debt. Mind you this is the man that was talking about saving up for a European vacation that would most likely be around 5-10k. I was crushed.. again.

 

Not only was I stupid enough to open up my heart and express my feelings, I dared to get excited and hopeful about something.

 

The argument then evolved into discussing our wedding. When we were planning our wedding we had a date set in October. Mind you we were eloping so making changes would have been a piece of cake. When I found out Rush was going on tour around the West/Southwest U.S. area I called to ask my husband if I could move the wedding date. At the time we had one honeymoon planned in Sedona and a "second leg" to go see Rush at their California shows. Had we moved our dates we would have not only been able to see more shows but we would have been driving on the exact route we had originally wanted to road trip on as well. He said no, he just didn't want to move the date so I respected his wishes and left things as they were even though I was disappointed.

 

Last night after this came up he said, "Well, why didn't we go see them more on the last tour and why didn't we go to Dallas, Phoenix, and Las Vegas?!" I reminded him that I tried to change things around and that he was the one who said no to me. Then all of the sudden, out of nowhere, he says to me "Well, you said you didn't want to get married in November because of the weather in Sedona!"

 

Uhm... Why the HELL would I have said that when I was the one who called and begged him to move our wedding date up just one month? I would have gotten married in a freezing ice storm if it meant I could have changed the date.

 

Then this morning... I'm getting ready for work and he wakes up to use the bathroom. Our bathroom is super, super tiny so when I'm putting makeup on I have to lower the toilet seat lid and put my makeup bag on the seat to get ready. I asked him if he could wait, he didn't answer me. I asked him again, thinking he didn't hear me. Now I know my husband, he heard me but he didn't want to answer me, he just wanted me to drop everything and let him in. But remember, we were at the screening last night, it was 74 miles away from where we live, and I wasn't in bed until almost midnight and then up again at 5:00 am, I hit my snooze 4 times - I've had a much harder time waking up and getting out of bed with the depression- and was in a bit of a hurry to get ready. I thought he would know this. So instead of answering me he just says "nevermind" and walks away and starts doing the dishes in the kitchen.

 

This was after I had gathered all of my makeup and was prepared to let him in. I just needed an answer. Then after I walk out he gets all mad at me for "not letting him in."

 

Anyway, I can't win. I hate this, I feel like I'm constantly being mind-f*cked. Every time we have a disagreement if I mention hurtful things that I wish he would work on, or even if I nicely let him know something is bothering me he will try to find an example of me doing it, even if it was something I did once... 4 years ago, or whatever. And then it turns into "Well you did..." And I ask him, "Is there something I'm doing that you don't like and would like to discuss or have me work on?" And he goes "No." It's like he's just looking for examples to deflect things.

 

Ok...

 

:rantoff:

 

Thank-you Rush Forum for being my padded room for the day.

Edited by gangsterfurious
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Gangster, I know you said no one has to respond, but I feel compelled to on account of your "ending it all" thoughts. Please don't even think about that. Please.

 

You are a pretty, intelligent and talented young woman and have so very much going for you.

 

I really don't like to say much when it comes to a personal matter like marriage, but if your husband is emotionally starving you, maybe it is time to call it quits. Or separate for a time.

 

Whatever you do, PLEASE know that you have people here that care about you and would be devastated if you ever did anything rash.

 

:hug2:

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I just came across this thread and am sorry for your situation. I'm glad you are apparently getting professional help. Given what you've said about your past, you've had a very disfunctional life, which is not your fault, but it can't help but impact your relationships (including who you chose to be in relationships with).

 

First and foremost, you need to work on yourself. If your husband is supportive of that, then that tells you something. If he is not, then that tells you something too. But with everything that you've described, I don't think the health of your marriage is the most critical issue in your life right now.

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You can't really work on your anxiety and depression in a productive way if you are unhappy with your partner. It sounds like there is a lot of resentment and pain from the past. An excellent marriage counselor would be my #1 priority.

 

Often, the things that seem "too hard" are the things we avoid, but those are the things we should be facing head on. Does that make sense?

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I just came across this thread and am sorry for your situation. I'm glad you are apparently getting professional help. Given what you've said about your past, you've had a very disfunctional life, which is not your fault, but it can't help but impact your relationships (including who you chose to be in relationships with).

 

First and foremost, you need to work on yourself. If your husband is supportive of that, then that tells you something. If he is not, then that tells you something too. But with everything that you've described, I don't think the health of your marriage is the most critical issue in your life right now.

Agreed, but it's very difficult to work on your own health if your home is not a healthy environment.

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You can't really work on your anxiety and depression in a productive way if you are unhappy with your partner. It sounds like there is a lot of resentment and pain from the past. An excellent marriage counselor would be my #1 priority.

 

Often, the things that seem "too hard" are the things we avoid, but those are the things we should be facing head on. Does that make sense?

 

I know and that's what I'm doing even though it's been emotionally taxing and very difficult. My first visit with my therapist was with my husband. He tried to tell my husband things he could already tell he needed to work on and my husband kind of blew him off, didn't try to understand what he was saying, and was basically like "she's been through more stuff so she needs more help than I do." Even one of the first things the therapist said to him was "Do you even hear the things she tells you she needs and tries to say to you?" Because he watched my husband blow me off right in front of him.

 

Example:

 

Therapist (to me): "How is your sleep? Are you getting a good night's sleep?"

Me: "No, I don't sleep well at all, I'm lucky to get 5-6 hours most nights."

Husband: "Well I sleep just fine!"

Therapist: "Did you even hear what she said? That she's struggling with sleeping?"

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I hope your therapist takes the time and energy to explain to your husband that his behaviors are not conducive to improving the relationship. If there is anger and resentment, it has to be dealt with. I hope your therapist gives you concrete "homework" to work on. It doesn't sound like your husband has a lot of interest in understanding how you feel. The therapist should call him on it and find out why. Talking about the past is good for giving the therapist some background, but the goal is to work on present and future behaviors so you can have some common ground and build on something. :) Remember to take things one day at a time.
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I have some experience with this subject but would not presume to give you any advice on your particular situation. I have been married for 32 years. Met my wife 34 years ago yesterday. We had a rough spell about 4 years into our marriage. We had no children at the time purposely to be sure we could make it for the long haul before having any. I don't know if you do or don't because in my view that is a game changer if you do. We split up for a couple months and then got back together and discussed our issues and decided to make a run at it. It has worked out so far and appears we made the right decision. In our case when we split up, we were just to miserable together to stay together at the time. Once we split and had a couple months each to really take a look at what we "had", we both saw things differently. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"? In our case I suppose it did, but in some cases it might reveal something entirely different. I wish you the best and I really enjoy your posts around here. I hope you can find some peace, love and common ground in your relationship................. :rose:
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You can't really work on your anxiety and depression in a productive way if you are unhappy with your partner. It sounds like there is a lot of resentment and pain from the past. An excellent marriage counselor would be my #1 priority.

 

Often, the things that seem "too hard" are the things we avoid, but those are the things we should be facing head on. Does that make sense?

 

I know and that's what I'm doing even though it's been emotionally taxing and very difficult. My first visit with my therapist was with my husband. He tried to tell my husband things he could already tell he needed to work on and my husband kind of blew him off, didn't try to understand what he was saying, and was basically like "she's been through more stuff so she needs more help than I do." Even one of the first things the therapist said to him was "Do you even hear the things she tells you she needs and tries to say to you?" Because he watched my husband blow me off right in front of him.

 

Example:

 

Therapist (to me): "How is your sleep? Are you getting a good night's sleep?"

Me: "No, I don't sleep well at all, I'm lucky to get 5-6 hours most nights."

Husband: "Well I sleep just fine!"

Therapist: "Did you even hear what she said? That she's struggling with sleeping?"

 

It was good for your therapist to point this out. If I can make a comment well above my pay grade though, your focus in this thread seems to be on your relationship and the fact that your husband doesn't live up to your expectations, is insenstive or worse, etc. But you've identified yourself as having had an eating disorder, an alcoholic father (which of course is a form of child abuse), being homeless (a runaway?), the victim of two sexual assaults and having suffered physical abuse by a former boyfriend. That is a horrific list. You probably have PTSD as well as other conditions.

 

Just seems to me that working through all of that (assuming you haven't fully worked through it, which I'm guessing is the case), should be the focal point. Whether or not you made a mistake marrying this fellow I think you'll be able to figure out in a relatively short time. But I don't think you're having suicidal ideations because your husband made awful comments about your weight. It goes much deeper than that and the focus on your husband as being the primary source of your current problems to me is likely misdirected, even if it turns out he's an insensitive jerk who you should leave for your own well being.

 

Stay in therapy. Follow your doctor's advice. Take your medication if prescribed. Good luck!

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