Jump to content

Rush and the Broken People


GedsJeans
 Share

Recommended Posts

Part 4 of 4

 

In July of 2008, my wife was diagnosed with cancer. We were both 35, and our sons were ages four and one. I really didn't know what I was going to do; I just had to do my best to stay positive. I remember being in the hospital waiting area when she was going through her first operation, and talking to my sister on my cell phone. And the date was July 22nd- it was exactly 22 years to the day since the accident that killed our brother. I hadn't said anything about it, but Alex did. "Don't you think it's just...too creepy for words?" And had thought about it, of course, but my main focus was on staying positive for my wife, and just keeping myself together. And I didn't know it right then, but I was not too far away from delving headlong back into Rush.

 

Three months after that day at the hospital, and that conversation with my sister, Alex died, on October 15th. After nearly 20 years of drinking various amounts of alcohol in conjunction with her medication, her heart just gave up. She was 38 years old. After 1986, I was convinced that I had lived through the worst year of my life, but 2008 was proving me wrong. I had just talked to her the day before, and we were both laughing...everything was totally fine. And then about 36 hours later, she was gone. In the wake of her death, I felt like someone had cut off both my arms and kicked me in the stomach. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't embrace anything; there was no source of comfort I could find, for quite a little while. And at the same time, I was trying to keep it together enough to take care of my kids, and to care for my wife.

 

And this was when it happened...as I started to finally get my bearings again, about two years later, part of what had helped bring about that recovery was in becoming absorbed in nostalgia. Thinking back to better and happier times, and especially since Rush music had already helped me through another terrible time, I started thinking of them again. I knew they were still active, but I didn't know what they had been up to for nearly fifteen years. And biographically speaking, I didn't know anything at all, either, about that period of time- I didn't know that the period between Test for Echo and Vapor Trails was actually a hiatus, nor that it was because Neil had been going through things in his personal life that I also completely identified with. And so, over the past two and a half years or so, I've become completely immersed in Rush music again. There has been a tremendous amount of new material for me to enjoy in the past couple of years- new to my ears, anyway. The first of those "new" things that I bought was Snakes and Arrows Live- I had never even heard the studio album, at that point. And when I heard Workin' Them Angels, in particular, I was blown away anew. I found myself thinking something very familiar about Neil- how did he KNOW?? "All my life, I've been workin' them angels, overtime"...yes indeed. I feel that way, too. And it's not just Neil's lyrics, but Geddy's delivery of them, and the music of all three of them- the music still grabs me, just as much as it always has- it is still so viscerally felt, and so vitally important to my life. It's so much more rewarding now than it ever has been in the past, just because I've been through so many more highs and lows, and I've reached the point where I am now. It makes me so happy that these three amazing men are still having so much fun, doing what they're doing. If there is an overarching message in the example they've set, I think it's that it's OK to be a misfit, and it's OK to have our personal demons- that we don't have to deny them, but we also can't let them rule us.

 

I'm happy to be able to say that my wife is healthy today, and so are our children...and I am, too- still sober after fifteen years now, and counting. And I'm so happy to still be able to talk about Rush in the present tense- still making new music, and still touring the world together. We as fans are all the richer for ir.

 

In a little more than a month from now, I'll be going to a Rush show for the first time since 1994. It will be at the same venue where my brother spent the last night of his life, and on the way home, I'll pass the exact spot where his accident happened. But it's OK. It's not the thing that is ruling my thoughts. I've been by there several times before. I'll be going to the show with a good friend of mine, and most importantly, there will be a big, long night of music from the three most important people who have ever brought music to my ears. It will be so good to see them again!!

Edited by Blue J
  • Like 12
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

I'm happy to be able to say that my wife is healthy today, and so are our children...and I am, too- still sober after fifteen years now, and counting. And I'm so happy to still be able to talk about Rush in the present tense- still making new music, and still touring the world together. We as fans are all the richer for it.

 

 

I am happy to hear that. I hope you will post after your concert and let us all know how it went. I imagine there will be a mix of many emotions, but hopefully the happier emotions will prevail.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Blue J, thank you so much for sharing so much of your life. And I am so glad to hear that your wife is doing well and is healthy.

 

I find it amazing that a human being can endure so much and still go on. Yet, each one of us has done just that. Without our spirit being shattered beyond repair.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Very good job,Blue J,thanks for telling that story; You have been though alot and for that,I am so sorry that your brother and sister died so very young in their life!!!! You are in my prayers
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

I think that's also needed in the PMS forum. lol

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

I think that's also needed in the PMS forum. lol

 

I think so too!

 

I'll take the hugs (and give some in return, of course), but I'll stay clear of the PMS thread, thanks...

 

I appreciate everybody's comments regarding my posts- I have to say, it did take a lot out of me to write all that, and I've scarcely posted anything in the whole forum since! But it's good to be in the company of those who feel that Rush is extremely important to them, rather than being merely an incredible band.

 

Anyway, I'm off to vacation with my family for awhile, starting tomorrow...y'all be good.

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You all are amazing. You are incredible, strong, passionate, beautiful people. I've cried so much reading this thread, but I've never felt more grateful that you all reached out to me, reached back to me and shared with me, after I shared with you. I am going to treasure every single sentence written here... every single one of your memories now lives in me, too, and everything you all shared with me gives me strength and comfort, from one broken heart to another.

 

I honestly don't know how to respond to the outpouring I've received both here and in messages. It's overwhelming. It's been awhile since I last posted because I lost my internet access, but I'm going to work my way through all my messages and I hope that we can all be friends for a long time after today!

 

Again, thank you all. Geddy said it himself: this really is the greatest fanbase around the globe.

 

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

:hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2:

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

:hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2:

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

  • Like 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You all are amazing. You are incredible, strong, passionate, beautiful people. I've cried so much reading this thread, but I've never felt more grateful that you all reached out to me, reached back to me and shared with me, after I shared with you. I am going to treasure every single sentence written here... every single one of your memories now lives in me, too, and everything you all shared with me gives me strength and comfort, from one broken heart to another.

 

I honestly don't know how to respond to the outpouring I've received both here and in messages. It's overwhelming. It's been awhile since I last posted because I lost my internet access, but I'm going to work my way through all my messages and I hope that we can all be friends for a long time after today!

 

Again, thank you all. Geddy said it himself: this really is the greatest fanbase around the globe.

 

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

:hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2:

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

:hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2:

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

 

Good to see you back, GedsJeans! Take care and keep in touch; if you ever want to talk just pm me.

 

Yes, this is a special group; you guys have helped me over the last few weeks too! :D

 

Take care!

 

Cheers,

 

frippy

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Late to this but Blue J I echo many thoughts you expressed I also went through horrible times my dad, brother, oldest nephew and sister all died in the years between TFE and Vapor Trails. I didn't think I could enjoy anything again but truly Rush brought me out of the hole and I was so glad to enjoy them live these last 10 years.
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This morning as I was driving to work I was listening to Geddy's solo, "My Favorite Headache" and "Runaway Train" came on.

 

There's this part where Geddy sings "If You're Heart Is Aching/Just Remove The Shame" and it kind of made me think of this post, which has been on my mind and I've wanted to respond to but has hit a nerve. I have a lot of shame in my life, a lot of things that follow me and weigh heavy on me each day.

 

I was an accident. My mother was told that she would not be able to bear children. When she was 30 she became pregnant with me, and my father, not wanting children and having two already that he neglected to take care of from two other ex-wives, made a point to tell me I was the reason for their divorce, which happened when I was 4. It wasn't his temper, or his alcoholism, or the fact that he cheated on my mom all of the time, it was my fault for being born, that's why the marriage failed.

 

So began a life of living in motels, rented rooms, cheap apartments, and shelters. We were lucky if we stayed in one place six months. I lost count of how many places I've lived, how many schools I've gone to, etc... I've also almost lost count of how many husbands my mother has had. She is on #4, another in a string of mentally "off" men. The second was violent, the third was a psychopath, and the fourth is a "street preacher" that isn't all there.

 

Growing up, everything was about God, God, and God, her God. There wasn't any room for thinking outside the little religious box I was expected to be in. My mother would accuse many people of having demons and therefore we couldn't be around them. She would not allow me to play with friends that weren't Christian, except for the occasional Jewish friends. She's even taken me to have me exorcised because she said I had spirits when really I was entering puberty without a father, without a secure home, without any friends, sometimes not knowing when we'd eat next, etc... and without the ability to handle it.

 

Around this time I discovered painting and writing, I was more into writing journal entries, essays for schools, poems, just whatever helped me through. I kept a journal that I thought was private but my mother went into it one day and ripped up everything that she didn't approve of. I was crushed and humiliated.

 

I wasn't allowed to go to High School, I was home schooled through a county program. My mother says because I was so "love starved" for fatherly attention that I would have thrown myself at any boy that would have given me attention. Which isn't true, if anything I was education starved and just wanted to go to school to learn and to become something so that I could crawl out of the hellhole of a life I was living.

 

Anyway....

 

I've been assaulted by two different men I was dating (my fault according to my mother since I shouldn't have been alone with men I wasn't married to), almost strangled by another ex, survived 11 years of bulimia etc... In other words, things have been a bit hard. And that's only a small part of my story.

 

When I discovered Rush it was during the first time in my life I had lived in one place for more than 2 years and because of the man who is now my husband. When I moved in with him we were trying to condense our things together in his tiny apartment and he found his copy of 2112 in his CD's. I didn't want to listen to them at first because he had told me the reason he had a pentagram ring and pot trivet in his apartment was because of the band so instantly my religious upbringing kicked in and I was like :fury: :fury: Satan! Satan!

 

So we didn't listen to Rush for awhile. And after my hunny tried to play "The Trees" for me I just looked at him and laughed.

 

Two years later I finally got them. And my God if I have any regrets in life it's not giving them a chance sooner when my husband asked me to. Of course things would have been different had he played "Vapor Trails" and not "Hemispheres" first. :finbar:

 

But I have wanted to say this for a long time.

 

Rush fans are the best and smartest people I have ever met and I have never known a more resilient or determined group.

 

And yes, we are broken, we are different, we are outcast, we are the nerds, the geeks, the hurting, some of us wear out hurt outwardly, some of us try to act tough, and I'm sure there are a few that have had very charmed lives. What's so awesome is that I know when I'm at a Rush concert I'm standing in a room of conservatives and liberals, people of faith and atheists, etc.. and I think that (regardless of the bickering you sometimes see on this forum) that we really respect and "get" each other.

 

We've been given such a gift because in this world we've grown up in that tells us we don't belong unless we conform, here we have these three men that refuse to buy into that, they tell us IT'S OK to be who we are. I've had this surge of confidence in my life, not just because of Rush but because of the other Rush fans that I've become friends with as well.

 

Rush has taught me how...

 

To not be afraid to think for myself.

 

To be comfortable in my own skin.

 

How to heal from hurts.

 

How to see the world through other people's eyes.

 

How to calm down a bit.

 

To not be afraid to be myself.

 

They've done this better than any self-help book, any sermon, any preacher, anything else.

 

And yes, I will sit and talk about how incredibly sexy I think Geddy Lee is until the cows come home and how great his buns are, but at the end of the day it's really about the change they've inspired in me and so many other people that I've met on this journey.

 

Thanks for sharing your story and allowing us to share ours as well.

 

:hug2:

 

P.S. I wanted to come back and add that we are their garden indeed. :)

 

Your story has me in tears. So many things I can relate to.

You didn't have a dad- my mom didn't care for either of her kids and smoked crack in front of us (she always told me I was the "mistake child" and she never loved me, like your dad said all those awful things to you). She had absolutely no part of raising my brother and I- she was like a couch or lamp. Just happened to be in the home.

 

I too was assaulted by 2 different men. I was 14 when I was raped by an older boy, he was 2 weeks away from turning 18. Then when I was 16, I had an EXTREMELY abusive boyfriend who raped me, beat me daily and I finally broke up with him when he told me in great detail how he was going to rape, kill and bury me.

My mom was extremely annoyed the first time I showed emotion about it, and flat out didn't believe me. She had better things to worry about. That was the only time I attempted to trust her, and I learned damn quick I couldn't.

 

The diary thing- my mom would come out of my bedroom holding my diary open, reading it out loud to anyone who was in the house. She would taunt me about things I wrote down. Got so bad I realized my diary was safer in my locker at school than it was at home. I planted a fake diary in my room where I wrote down CRAZY stuff and my mom had a cow one day after reading it.

 

I have always been a black sheep, misfit, loser, the one who almost didn't survive high school (VERY close to not surviving, period.)- music was always my escape and Rush has provided me with much needed relief in times of stress or misery.

I agree, Rush fans ARE KICKASS IN EVERY WAY!!!!!! So intelligent and bonded by the music as well as life experiences we seem to have.

 

I know a lot of you guys/gals have read stuff I wrote, very deep, personal things. I NEVER open up like this. I have gotten countless private messages from people on here genuinely concerned with how I was doing, and it blows me away. I thank each and every one of you for letting me vent, say crazy or disturbing things to get it off my chest, and caring the way you do.

 

I have no shame repeating these things, I'm an open book- an extremely strong woman now :)

 

So rock on!!! You're all awesome!!! cheers!! :madra:

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have always been a black sheep, misfit, loser, the one who almost didn't survive high school (VERY close to not surviving, period.)- music was always my escape

 

Hobo, I could have written the above. I would lose myself in the music - become the music. I remember one time, in 1973 or 1974, I was trying to describe this to someone, and I said "I become the music. I become the song." Not long after that, I heard someone singing almost the exact lines in a song. Weird.

 

The people here never cease to amaze and inspire me!

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have always been a black sheep, misfit, loser, the one who almost didn't survive high school (VERY close to not surviving, period.)- music was always my escape

 

Hobo, I could have written the above. I would lose myself in the music - become the music. I remember one time, in 1973 or 1974, I was trying to describe this to someone, and I said "I become the music. I become the song." Not long after that, I heard someone singing almost the exact lines in a song. Weird.

 

The people here never cease to amaze and inspire me!

 

You're all my kinda people!! =D

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Late to this but Blue J I echo many thoughts you expressed I also went through horrible times my dad, brother, oldest nephew and sister all died in the years between TFE and Vapor Trails. I didn't think I could enjoy anything again but truly Rush brought me out of the hole and I was so glad to enjoy them live these last 10 years.

 

Nah, you're not late to this- this is a thread for all time, for anybody who wants to talk about why Rush is vital to them, like I've said- as opposed to those who think they're merely a great band. I'm sorry for all of your losses as well...but isn't it great that we have those three wonderful guys in the band who helped us get back to living?

 

I also have to say that I was surprised, pleasantly, by how many people have similar heart-wrenching details about their lives and have been willing to share them, in our little community here. Right on, right on...love to all of you.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...