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QUOTE (sundog @ Aug 18 2005, 08:12 AM)

A few rules for what men can and cannot wear at a private pool.

1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:

1A) If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.

1B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.

1C) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get turned on by 1and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.

1D) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn chairs, skip the Speedo.

1F) If you are the type of guy who gets aroused when you see a woman in less than an overcoat and/or if there is a gentle breeze, you should not be wearing one. Teepees are for Indian reservations and not for the pool thankyouverymuch.

2) If you cannot wear a Speedo, and are wearing short type bathing suits, please for the sake of all humankind, wear one with an inner shell. There is nothing sexier than seeing your boys hanging down as you sit in that position that only a man can do so gracelessly, but it is impolite to be the cause of so many women getting so horny at midday, so keep your boys hidden.

3) No thongs under any circumstances.

4) If you wear sandals, do not wear white knee socks.


OMFG, Sunny!!!! icon_really_happy_guy.gif


(I HAD to send this to the girls here at work.)

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This seems an apropro place...................... bolt.gif




The Male Commandments





1. Thou shalt not rent Sleepless in Seattle.


2. When on a fishing trip with the guys, never, no matter how sunburned you and your buds may be....is it appropriate to rub sunscreen on each other's backs.


3. When queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.


4. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't see nothin'.


5. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.


6. When in need to go pee, there is a minimum of one empty urinal between you and another man. If this is not possible, you're out of luck----hold it 'til later.


7. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call you on it. (Exception: When trying to pick-up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%).


8. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.


9. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.


10. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.


11. Things that you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SAT's, and your resume. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.


12. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own----weed whacker, car, firstborn child----within 12 hours' notice. If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don't notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away scot-free.


13. It is OK to cry only during the following situations: When a heroic dog tries to save his master; The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbottoning her blouse; After wrecking your boss' Ferrari; One hour, 12 minutes, and 37 seconds into The Crying Game; When you accidentally slice off your head in a bandsaw.


14. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor's broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.


15. Do not torpedo single friends: If you're married and a pal drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out, "So when are you two gonna walk the plank?" Punishment: Following the assembly instructions for your rugrat's toys for two years.


16. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines the pit stops, not the weakest.


17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.


18. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.


19. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail out a friend within 12 hours.


20. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact even remembering your best buddy's birthday is strictly optional).


21. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flight of stairs) divided by dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed. Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at the hot new neighbor chick.


22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if you secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.


23. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.


24. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.


25. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress; but you may never ask who's playing.


26. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.


27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: "Yeah, baby, push it!"; "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"; "Another set and we can hit the showers."; "Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?"


28. It is permissible to order a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless model....and it's free.


29. When in a bar with a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend doesn't need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit).


30. Only in a situation of mortal peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the "family jewels."


31. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible "I recognize you" nod is all the conversation you need.


32. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.


33. The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think "What this guy need is a good butt-whipping." You may then stand back and enjoy.


34. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.


35. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.


36. If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it's the chorus to "Wooly Bully."


37. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.



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QUOTE (Cygnus @ Aug 22 2005, 09:40 AM)


rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif

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QUOTE (Cygnus @ Aug 16 2005, 08:06 AM)
Husband shopping

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in seven floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and like kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not liking kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, do all the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "These men are rolling in money, love kids, are incredibly good looking, do all the housework, are incurable romantics, are fantastic chefs, completely faithful, are great conversationalists and really funny, use maps, and their mothers have passed away." "Now we're getting somewhere" they said, "but imagine what must be on the next floor." So up they went.

Sixth floor

The door had a sign saying "These men are rolling in money, love kids, are incredibly good looking, do all the housework, are incurable romantics, know how to satisfy you completely, are fantastic chefs, totally faithful, great conversationalists and really funny, would love to go shopping with you, use maps, put the toilet seat down and change the paper, and their mothers have passed away." "Pretty tempting" they said, "we really have to see what's on the next floor." They were so excited they ran up the stairs.

Seventh floor

The door had a sign saying "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif

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If Men Ran The World:



1- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.


2- Birth control would come in ale or lager.


3- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in every leap year.


4- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.


5- St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.


6- Garbage would take itself out.


7- Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.


8- The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".


9- Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".


10- Tanks would be far easier to rent.

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QUOTE (Cygnus @ Aug 18 2005, 05:14 AM)
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

icon_really_happy_guy.gif tongue.gif http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/upherebl.gif

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Friggin MEN! sometimes i just wanna.


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What do Moms do?


A man came home from work and found his three children outside,

still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes

and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the

house and there was no sign of the dog.


Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp

had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon

channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various clothing.


In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on

the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled

on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small

pile of sand was spread by the back door!

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.


He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the

bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy

soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the

bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you

come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do


"Yes," was his incredulous replied. She answered, "Well, today

I didn't do it."


Edited by sundog
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> I know I'm not going to understand women.

> I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

> pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

> and still be afraid of a spider.





> A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

> The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers

> that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him

> down the correct aisle.

> A few minutes later; he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball

> of string on the counter.

> She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some

> tampons for your wife?

> He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife

> to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a

> tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo

> much cheaper.

> So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.

> >


>> W O R D S


> A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a

> day...

> 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

> The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat

> everything to men...

> The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



> A man and his wife were having an argument about


> should brew the coffee each morning.

> The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,

> and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

> The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and

> you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my

> coffee."

> Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible

> that the man should do the coffee."

> Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

> So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

> and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed

> says......."HEBREWS"




> A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each

> other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next

> day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning

> business



> Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on

> a piece of paper,

> "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

> The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM

> and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and

> see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by

> the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

> Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



> God may have created man before woman,

> but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.


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QUOTE (Cygnus @ Aug 28 2005, 06:31 PM)


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