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DonnaWanna
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Husband shopping

 

 

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in seven floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor

 

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and like kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not liking kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

 

Second floor

 

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

 

Third floor

 

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

 

Fourth floor

 

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, do all the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

 

Fifth floor

 

The sign on that door said, "These men are rolling in money, love kids, are incredibly good looking, do all the housework, are incurable romantics, are fantastic chefs, completely faithful, are great conversationalists and really funny, use maps, and their mothers have passed away." "Now we're getting somewhere" they said, "but imagine what must be on the next floor." So up they went.

 

Sixth floor

 

The door had a sign saying "These men are rolling in money, love kids, are incredibly good looking, do all the housework, are incurable romantics, know how to satisfy you completely, are fantastic chefs, totally faithful, great conversationalists and really funny, would love to go shopping with you, use maps, put the toilet seat down and change the paper, and their mothers have passed away." "Pretty tempting" they said, "we really have to see what's on the next floor." They were so excited they ran up the stairs.

 

Seventh floor

 

The door had a sign saying "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

 

 

 

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One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

 

 

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

 

Some years later, the seamstress was walking

with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

 

 

 

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a

misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

 

MORAL: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it

 

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QUOTE (Cygnus @ Aug 17 2005, 05:29 AM)
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v703/RushForum/pic0735.jpg









































J/K tongue.gif

*ahem* That was 1955.

 

Today's version:

 

1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

 

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the Lancome counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card.)

 

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

 

4. Prepare the children: Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriage.

 

5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.

 

6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.

 

7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.

 

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

 

9: Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card.) Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"

 

10: The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously, he's wrong. It revolves around you. wink.gif

 

 

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QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Aug 17 2005, 10:25 PM)
QUOTE (Cygnus @ Aug 17 2005, 05:29 AM)
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v703/RushForum/pic0735.jpg









































J/K tongue.gif

*ahem* That was 1955.

 

Today's version:

 

1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

 

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the Lancome counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card.)

 

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

 

4. Prepare the children: Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriage.

 

5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.

 

6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.

 

7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.

 

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

 

9: Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card.) Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"

 

10: The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously, he's wrong. It revolves around you. wink.gif

applaudit.gif Rolinda laugh.gif

 

I like yours MUCH better!!!! wink.gif 1022.gif

 

 

cosmo.gif and another cosmo.gif smile.gif

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QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Aug 17 2005, 11:25 PM)












































1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

my favorite thing to make for dinner is reservations....... tongue.gif

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A man goes up to his doctor and says "I think my wife is trying to poison me!"

The doctor says "I'll go talk to her."

 

So the doctor goes to the man next day and says, "I have just talked to your wife for three hours.........

TAKE THE POISON!!!"

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WHAT YOU MAY AND MAY NOT WEAR TO THE POOL

 

 

 

A few rules for what men can and cannot wear at a private pool.

 

1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:

 

1A) If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.

 

1B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.

 

1C) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get turned on by 1and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.

 

1D) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn chairs, skip the Speedo.

 

1F) If you are the type of guy who gets aroused when you see a woman in less than an overcoat and/or if there is a gentle breeze, you should not be wearing one. Teepees are for Indian reservations and not for the pool thankyouverymuch.

 

2) If you cannot wear a Speedo, and are wearing short type bathing suits, please for the sake of all humankind, wear one with an inner shell. There is nothing sexier than seeing your boys hanging down as you sit in that position that only a man can do so gracelessly, but it is impolite to be the cause of so many women getting so horny at midday, so keep your boys hidden.

 

3) No thongs under any circumstances.

 

4) If you wear sandals, do not wear white knee socks.

 

laugh.gif

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A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

 

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

 

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

 

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

 

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

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QUOTE (daveyt @ Aug 18 2005, 01:28 AM)
jesus what's with all the fk'n quoting?!? you better lay off the drinks DAYLIN or i'll have to cut you off

*hiccup* I'm not drinking. Really *hiccup* I'm not! tongue.gif

 

You would'nt........... laugh.gif confused13.gif

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