Jump to content

Men!


DonnaWanna
 Share

Recommended Posts

A Woman's Wish!

 

http://www.fun-greetings-jokes.com/p/dd1.gif

 

http://www.fun-greetings-jokes.com/p/dd2.gif

 

http://www.fun-greetings-jokes.com/p/dd3.gif

 

http://www.fun-greetings-jokes.com/p/dd4.gif

 

 

J/k

Link to comment
Share on other sites

QUOTE (barney_rebel @ Jul 19 2005, 02:33 PM)
http://www.rushmessageboard.com/forums/cp/uploads//post-2084-1121797858.jpg

rofl3.gif rofl3.gif

 

I was on the phone with a customer when I saw this. It was not good.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

QUOTE (sullysue @ Jul 27 2005, 08:09 AM)
QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jul 27 2005, 11:02 AM)
Why guys don't like asking for directions

OMG! laugh.gif

After watching that, it's going to be very to talk to any women when I'm out in public from now on. It's not like I wasn't freaked out about it enough already. Geez, I finally got up enough nerve to smile & say Hi; that just went out the window unsure.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

QUOTE (Digital Man @ Jul 30 2005, 08:30 AM)
QUOTE (sullysue @ Jul 27 2005, 08:09 AM)
QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jul 27 2005, 11:02 AM)
Why guys don't like asking for directions

OMG! laugh.gif

After watching that, it's going to be very to talk to any women when I'm out in public from now on. It's not like I wasn't freaked out about it enough already. Geez, I finally got up enough nerve to smile & say Hi; that just went out the window unsure.gif

Oh, you poor guy! laugh.gif I promise to never mace you if you ask me for directions. OK?

 

(I may zap you just for kicks, though! tongue.gif )

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Bad Food

 

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

 

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Aug 9 2005, 01:14 AM)
Bad Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

laugh.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The Male Commandments

 

 

 

 

1. Thou shalt not rent Sleepless in Seattle.

 

2. When on a fishing trip with the guys, never, no matter how sunburned you and your buds may be....is it appropriate to rub sunscreen on each other's backs.

 

3. When queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

 

4. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't see nothin'.

 

5. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

 

6. When in need to go pee, there is a minimum of one empty urinal between you and another man. If this is not possible, you're out of luck----hold it 'til later.

 

7. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call you on it. (Exception: When trying to pick-up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%).

 

8. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

 

9. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

 

10. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

 

11. Things that you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SAT's, and your resume. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.

 

12. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own----weed whacker, car, firstborn child----within 12 hours' notice. If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don't notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away scot-free.

 

13. It is OK to cry only during the following situations: When a heroic dog tries to save his master; The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbottoning her blouse; After wrecking your boss' Ferrari; One hour, 12 minutes, and 37 seconds into The Crying Game; When you accidentally slice off your head in a bandsaw.

 

14. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor's broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

 

15. Do not torpedo single friends: If you're married and a pal drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out, "So when are you two gonna walk the plank?" Punishment: Following the assembly instructions for your rugrat's toys for two years.

 

16. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines the pit stops, not the weakest.

 

17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

 

18. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

 

19. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail out a friend within 12 hours.

 

20. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact even remembering your best buddy's birthday is strictly optional).

 

21. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flight of stairs) divided by dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed. Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at the hot new neighbor chick.

 

22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if you secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

 

23. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

 

24. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

 

25. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress; but you may never ask who's playing.

 

26. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

 

27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: "Yeah, baby, push it!"; "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"; "Another set and we can hit the showers."; "Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?"

 

28. It is permissible to order a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless model....and it's free.

 

29. When in a bar with a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend doesn't need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit).

 

30. Only in a situation of mortal peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the "family jewels."

 

31. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible "I recognize you" nod is all the conversation you need.

 

32. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

 

33. The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think "What this guy need is a good butt-whipping." You may then stand back and enjoy.

 

34. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

 

35. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

 

36. If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it's the chorus to "Wooly Bully."

 

37. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Aug 9 2005, 12:45 PM)
The Male Commandments




1. Thou shalt not rent Sleepless in Seattle.

2. When on a fishing trip with the guys, never, no matter how sunburned you and your buds may be....is it appropriate to rub sunscreen on each other's backs.

3. When queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

4. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't see nothin'.

5. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

6. When in need to go pee, there is a minimum of one empty urinal between you and another man. If this is not possible, you're out of luck----hold it 'til later.

7. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call you on it. (Exception: When trying to pick-up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%).

8. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

9. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

10. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

11. Things that you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SAT's, and your resume. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.

12. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own----weed whacker, car, firstborn child----within 12 hours' notice. If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don't notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away scot-free.

13. It is OK to cry only during the following situations: When a heroic dog tries to save his master; The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbottoning her blouse; After wrecking your boss' Ferrari; One hour, 12 minutes, and 37 seconds into The Crying Game; When you accidentally slice off your head in a bandsaw.

14. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor's broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

15. Do not torpedo single friends: If you're married and a pal drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out, "So when are you two gonna walk the plank?" Punishment: Following the assembly instructions for your rugrat's toys for two years.

16. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines the pit stops, not the weakest.

17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

18. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

19. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail out a friend within 12 hours.

20. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact even remembering your best buddy's birthday is strictly optional).

21. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flight of stairs) divided by dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed. Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at the hot new neighbor chick.

22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if you secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

23. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

24. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

25. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress; but you may never ask who's playing.

26. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: "Yeah, baby, push it!"; "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"; "Another set and we can hit the showers."; "Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?"

28. It is permissible to order a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless model....and it's free.

29. When in a bar with a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend doesn't need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit).

30. Only in a situation of mortal peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the "family jewels."

31. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible "I recognize you" nod is all the conversation you need.

32. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

33. The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think "What this guy need is a good butt-whipping." You may then stand back and enjoy.

34. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

35. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

36. If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it's the chorus to "Wooly Bully."

37. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif

 

icon_really_happy_guy.gif

 

Being printed out right now!

 

Thanks Cygnus laugh.gif for all of these!

 

 

 

Re: #8

Just a few weeks ago I saw 2 men sharing an umbrella walking to the train. They were like, 'we just have somewhere to go after work' laugh.gif Does it really matter....NO....you guys must think it does!!!!! tongue.gif

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Aug 2 2005, 04:56 PM)
http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/content/103520.jpg

laugh.gif new_thumbsupsmileyanim.gif

 

As my Sis in law said to me...the bigger the stone the more he loves U wacko.gif

 

 

 

tongue.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

SEMINARS FOR MEN:

 

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Can Do Housework Too

3. PMS - Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

4. How to Fill an Ice Tray

5. We do not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas. GIVE US MONEY.

6. Understanding the Female Response to your Coming in Drunk at 3am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash my Silks")

8. Parenting - No, it Doesn't End with Conception.

9. How not to Act like an Ass, When you are Obviously Wrong

10. Get a Life - Learn to Cook.

11. Spelling - Even you can get it right

12. You - The Weaker Sex

13. Reasons to give Flowers

14. How to stay awake after sex

15. Why it is Unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the Washroom

16. Garbage - Getting it to the Curb.

17. The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower

18. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please

19. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")

20. Give me a Break - Why we know your excuses are B.S.

21. The Weekend and Sports are not Synonymous

22. How to Go Shopping with your Mate without Getting Lost

23. The Remote Control - Overcoming your Dependency

24. Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex

25. Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes

26. Changing your Underwear - It Really Works

27. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

28. You Too Can Be a Designated Driver

29. Male Bonding - Leaving your Friends at Home

30. Fluffing the Blankets after Releasing Gas is NOT Necessary

31. The Attainable Goal - Omitting ]@#$&$ From Your Vocabulary

32. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked

Link to comment
Share on other sites

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Aug 10 2005, 06:06 AM)
QUOTE (Cygnus @ Aug 2 2005, 04:56 PM)
http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/content/103520.jpg

laugh.gif new_thumbsupsmileyanim.gif

 

As my Sis in law said to me...the bigger the stone the more he loves U wacko.gif

 

 

 

tongue.gif

ohmy.gif

 

rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif

 

You peeps are too funny!

 

Don't stop! laugh.gif

Edited by Daylin
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...