snowdogged Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I haven't written anything in a long, long time. I decided start writing tonight. I don't know if it's going to be a short story or more of a novel length thing. I was enjoying it, but wanted get some feedback before I continue. The 80's Stroke of midnight, New Years Eve was over and a new decade was upon me! This was certain to be my decade. For 1980 was finally here! The year that I would become a teenager and begin my journey into high school. There was nothing that could stop me now. I ran straight to the bathroom to thoroughly inspect my body for any signs of pubic hair, for I knew this would be the year that I would be graced with the of all powerful gift of puberty and perhaps even get to feel my first boob along the way! Leaving the bathroom in disappointment, I wasn't going to let it discourage me. I would find a way to make the pubes grow! I just knew that I could! Don't ask me why, but I just did! My parents had no idea of my plan to grow pubes and I intended to keep it that way. If they even suspected anything they would certainly try stifle my plan and stop my pubes in their tracks. I just knew that.there was no way that they would stand for such insubordination! I decided to go to bed as I knew that my pubes would need to rest in order break through all those layers of skin. P.S. The story isn't going to be about pubes. That will just be a reoccurring theme. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1-0-0-1-0-0-1 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 You ever see that "Seinfeld" episode where Elaine, who works at a book publisher, got chastised by her boss for using too many exclamation points in a book she edited? It's tough to judge this because it's only one paragraph, and that first paragraph is all about pubes. And since a kid growing pubes (alrighty then!) isn't something I'm even remotely interested in, I'd be hoping the next paragraph changed gears. I know you said that pubes aren't the subject of the story, but that's all you gave us so far. You'd have to provide more for an honest assessment, IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowdogged Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 QUOTE (1-0-0-1-0-0-1 @ Mar 17 2011, 02:24 AM) You ever see that "Seinfeld" episode where Elaine, who works at a book publisher, got chastised by her boss for using too many exclamation points in a book she edited? It's tough to judge this because it's only one paragraph, and that first paragraph is all about pubes. And since a kid growing pubes (alrighty then!) isn't something I'm even remotely interested in, I'd be hoping the next paragraph changed gears. I know you said that pubes aren't the subject of the story, but that's all you gave us so far. You'd have to provide more for an honest assessment, IMO. Thanks, I was debating about exclamation points but I felt that the places I put them were times where he was excited. I'll go through again and probably change. Obviously it's satirical story of what it's like to be a boy that age. I'll try writing some more tomorrow and hopefully it will be more developed. P.S. Yeah, I did see that Seinfeld episode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Good,bad,andrush Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Yeah, cut down on the pubes. It'll make for great humor every now and then, but you already overused them and ruined any chance of it being funny in the future. Instead you might wanna start with the boy waking up, describe his room (which might still resemble a little kid's), then explain how he feels about high school. The second paragraph can have the pubic joke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Good,bad,andrush Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Describing the room can serve as a metaphor or symbol of youth. It shows how he is still young even though he wants to feel old, and I think every kid entering high school can relate with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowdogged Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 QUOTE (Good,bad,andrush @ Mar 17 2011, 09:10 AM) Describing the room can serve as a metaphor or symbol of youth. It shows how he is still young even though he wants to feel old, and I think every kid entering high school can relate with this. Thanks, there is definitely a huge learning curve here for it has been a long time since I have written anything and I was never a pro to begin with. So, any criticism is welcome. I don't know if you have ever read Pure Drivel by Steve Martin. I'm trying to emulate that style a bit where most of the stories were as the title implies, Pure Drivel. I'm sort of trying to mix that style with a sort of Catcher in the Rye style. While I know that I could never come close either of those author's, it's a lot of fun trying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Good,bad,andrush Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Well catcher in the rye was the first thing that came to my head, only a silly version of it I was even gonna suggest you show the boy discovering a pimple, but that would be too much like catcher in the rye. But I suppose you can take a new spin on it, paying homage to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Good,bad,andrush Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 And if your story is gonna be a comedy, do try and give it some deep meaning. A lot of people find stupid comedy entertaining, but not people who read If you're reading a comedy, and it makes you laugh, it's because you can relate to it and you discovered something new, and all of this was decorated with familiar jokes and puns and whatnot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maverick Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Despite some initial flaws, like over using the exclamation point, and over using the word "pubes," it does show some promise. You've already established to age old struggle of pubescent kid vs. parents. The funniest part of that struggle is, it only really exists in the kid's mind, as the parents are either oblivious to it, or powerless to stop it. The real struggle is kid vs. nature, of which the kid is unaware, or believes he is in control of. You also use the word "just" too much. Relax with that. Carry on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowdogged Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 QUOTE (Good,bad,andrush @ Mar 17 2011, 09:30 AM) And if your story is gonna be a comedy, do try and give it some deep meaning. A lot of people find stupid comedy entertaining, but not people who read If you're reading a comedy, and it makes you laugh, it's because you can relate to it and you discovered something new, and all of this was decorated with familiar jokes and puns and whatnot. That's what I am trying to go for. silly and ridiculous mixed with things that people can relate to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Good,bad,andrush Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 QUOTE (snowdogged @ Mar 17 2011, 09:39 AM) QUOTE (Good @ bad,andrush,Mar 17 2011, 09:30 AM) And if your story is gonna be a comedy, do try and give it some deep meaning. A lot of people find stupid comedy entertaining, but not people who read If you're reading a comedy, and it makes you laugh, it's because you can relate to it and you discovered something new, and all of this was decorated with familiar jokes and puns and whatnot. That's what I am trying to go for. silly and ridiculous mixed with things that people can relate to. And the first paragraph might be a turn-off for people not interested in pubes. And like Ender said, make the writing more precise and don't use filler words like just. But yes, there is that struggle ender talked about, and it's always a good topic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowdogged Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 QUOTE (-Ender- @ Mar 17 2011, 09:39 AM) Despite some initial flaws, like over using the exclamation point, and over using the word "pubes," it does show some promise. You've already established to age old struggle of pubescent kid vs. parents. The funniest part of that struggle is, it only really exists in the kid's mind, as the parents are either oblivious to it, or powerless to stop it. The real struggle is kid vs. nature, of which the kid is unaware, or believes he is in control of. You also use the word "just" too much. Relax with that. Carry on. Thanks, everyone has given me really good advice. Now, I am just going to have to try to put it into practice. Look, not one exclamation mark! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Good,bad,andrush Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 QUOTE (snowdogged @ Mar 17 2011, 09:48 AM)QUOTE (-Ender- @ Mar 17 2011, 09:39 AM) Despite some initial flaws, like over using the exclamation point, and over using the word "pubes," it does show some promise. You've already established to age old struggle of pubescent kid vs. parents. The funniest part of that struggle is, it only really exists in the kid's mind, as the parents are either oblivious to it, or powerless to stop it. The real struggle is kid vs. nature, of which the kid is unaware, or believes he is in control of. You also use the word "just" too much. Relax with that. Carry on. Thanks, everyone has given me really good advice. Now, I am just going to have to try to put it into practice. Look, not one exclamation mark! And keep us updated. If you're interested in reading my stories by any chance, check out the turn the page forum and pm me. It's very different from yours, but from one writer to another, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowdogged Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Good,bad,andrush Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
workingcinderellaman Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I think you need the first paragraph to be as interesting as possible. This monologue on pubic hair might fit in better after you have the reader hooked on the story, but I don't think that it's interesting enough to start the story line. Do you have an outline of this story? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowdogged Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 QUOTE (workingcinderellaman @ Mar 17 2011, 10:35 AM) I think you need the first paragraph to be as interesting as possible. This monologue on pubic hair might fit in better after you have the reader hooked on the story, but I don't think that it's interesting enough to start the story line. Do you have an outline of this story? Not written out, but basically I plan to make it his journey through the eighties and the trials and tribulations that he has to deal with and how he grows and changes in ways. I plan to throw in a lot of pop culture references from the 80's. As I said before, I'd like to make it sort of silly but in a way people could relate to. I don't think it will be easy but I will try. I still haven't thought out the whole story line but I will just move ahead and hope it comes to me as I move along. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 QUOTE (snowdogged @ Mar 17 2011, 12:00 AM) I haven't written anything in a long, long time. I decided start writing tonight. I don't know if it's going to be a short story or more of a novel length thing. I was enjoying it, but wanted get some feedback before I continue. The 80's Stroke of midnight, New Years Eve was over and a new decade was upon me! This was certain to be my decade. For 1980 was finally here! The year that I would become a teenager and begin my journey into high school. There was nothing that could stop me now. I ran straight to the bathroom to thoroughly inspect my body for any signs of pubic hair, for I knew this would be the year that I would be graced with the of all powerful gift of puberty and perhaps even get to feel my first boob along the way! Leaving the bathroom in disappointment, I wasn't going to let it discourage me. I would find a way to make the pubes grow! I just knew that I could! Don't ask me why, but I just did! My parents had no idea of my plan to grow pubes and I intended to keep it that way. If they even suspected anything they would certainly try stifle my plan and stop my pubes in their tracks. I just knew that.there was no way that they would stand for such insubordination! I decided to go to bed as I knew that my pubes would need to rest in order break through all those layers of skin. P.S. The story isn't going to be about pubes. That will just be a reoccurring theme. If the story isn't going to be about pubes, don't focus on them so much in the opening paragraph. What kind of feedback are you looking for? I'd love to help you out. My background is pretty heavy in writing, mostly on the technical side (think grant writing and public relations). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowdogged Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 QUOTE (Janie @ Mar 17 2011, 01:48 PM) QUOTE (snowdogged @ Mar 17 2011, 12:00 AM) I haven't written anything in a long, long time. I decided start writing tonight. I don't know if it's going to be a short story or more of a novel length thing. I was enjoying it, but wanted get some feedback before I continue. The 80's Stroke of midnight, New Years Eve was over and a new decade was upon me! This was certain to be my decade. For 1980 was finally here! The year that I would become a teenager and begin my journey into high school. There was nothing that could stop me now. I ran straight to the bathroom to thoroughly inspect my body for any signs of pubic hair, for I knew this would be the year that I would be graced with the of all powerful gift of puberty and perhaps even get to feel my first boob along the way! Leaving the bathroom in disappointment, I wasn't going to let it discourage me. I would find a way to make the pubes grow! I just knew that I could! Don't ask me why, but I just did! My parents had no idea of my plan to grow pubes and I intended to keep it that way. If they even suspected anything they would certainly try stifle my plan and stop my pubes in their tracks. I just knew that.there was no way that they would stand for such insubordination! I decided to go to bed as I knew that my pubes would need to rest in order break through all those layers of skin. P.S. The story isn't going to be about pubes. That will just be a reoccurring theme. If the story isn't going to be about pubes, don't focus on them so much in the opening paragraph. What kind of feedback are you looking for? I'd love to help you out. My background is pretty heavy in writing, mostly on the technical side (think grant writing and public relations). I think that the something that I might have the hardest time with is how begin new chapters so it seems like a natural progression from the last chapter. I think that I'm not so bad character description but scene description has always been tough for me. The rest of the stuff has already been discussed and I've gotten a lot of good advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Good,bad,andrush Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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BeOhBe Bob Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnnyBlaze Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 That paragraph reminded me of one of the pre-pubescent characters in The Peanut Butter Solution who tries to put the hair growth formula on his bald groin area. I'd go with the topic (though often done) of masturbation. Every boy can relate to that [especially when you're that age] even those that claim they never wank. Anyways, keep on writing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeOhBe Bob Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 QUOTE (JohnnyBlaze @ Mar 18 2011, 08:52 AM) I'd go with the topic (though often done) of masturbation. Every boy can relate to that [especially when you're that age] even those that claim they never wank. Anyways, keep on writing. ^^^^^ work this angle in....that's what I was implying. See? you're onto something. keep it up....um well you know what I mean Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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