The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Moonraker]

QUOTE (barney_rebel @ Sep 4 2004, 06:01 AM)

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/buddiesforever.html

lol, someone doesnt like Michael Moore

[Chasartymac]

When wiping is simply not enough!!

 

 

http://img38.exs.cx/img38/9094/ClagGone.jpg

[barney_rebel]

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/MissYourDressIverse.wmv

 

[DonnaWanna]

A wonderful Message by George Carlin:

 

The paradox of our time in history is that we have

taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider

freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,

but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have

bigger houses and smaller families, more

conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees

but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment,

more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but

less wellness.

 

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too

recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get

too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read

too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our

values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate

too often.

 

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years. We've

been all the way to the moon and back, but have

trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've

done larger things, but not better things.

 

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We

write more, but learn less. We plan more, but

accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to

wait. We build more co mputers to hold more

information, to produce more copies than ever, but

we communicate less and less.

 

These are the times of fast foods and slow

digestion, big men and small character, steep

profits and shallow relationships. These are the

days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier

houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick

trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one

night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do

everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a

time when there is much in the showroom window and

nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can

bring this letter to you, and a time when you can

choose either to share this insight, or to just hit

delete.

 

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones,

because they are not going to be around forever.

 

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to

you in awe, because that little person soon will

grow up and leave your side.

 

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you,

because that is the only treasure you can give with

your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

 

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and

your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and

an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep

inside of you.

 

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for

someday that person will not be there again.

 

Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time

to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

 

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we

take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

 

 

[DonnaWanna]

omg too funny

 

http://www.gimpcity.com/movies/britneys_breasts.swf

 

[DonnaWanna]

Da plane...DA plane

 

http://www.gimpcity.com/movies/midget_movie.mpg

 

 

[DonnaWanna]

ok this one starts off slow but oman if u just give it some time an watch it all way threw

...crazy trainin vid

 

http://www.gimpcity.com/movies/forklift.htm

Edited September 5, 2004 by DonnaWanna

[barney_rebel]

http://www.bruceandtheresa.com/hardfunnypics/defeat.jpg

[barney_rebel]

http://www.bruceandtheresa.com/hardfunnypics/arguing.jpg

[barney_rebel]

http://www.bruceandtheresa.com/hardfunnypics/acdc.jpg

[DonnaWanna]

A man walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for

his wife. He is shown

several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the sheerer,

the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes

the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs,

put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea.

It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the

modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So

she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good

Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

[GhostGirl]

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Sep 6 2004, 01:22 AM)

A man walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

OMG....too funny!

[RushRevisited]

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Sep 6 2004, 02:22 AM)

A man walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

[Snowdog]

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Sep 6 2004, 02:22 AM)

A man walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

Gee, I wonder how that night ended?

[madra sneachta]

QUOTE (Snowdog @ Sep 6 2004, 07:58 PM)

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Sep 6 2004, 02:22 AM) A man walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"     Gee, I wonder how that night ended? Methinks the iron was used.....but not on the neglige

[barney_rebel]

So there was this old guy that was just diagnosed with cancer. The doctor tells him that he only has about a month to live. Sadly, he realized he has done nothing in his lifetime to serve his country.

 

So he enlists in the army. The recruiter tells him that he is too old to enlist. The old guy sadly asks, "Is there anything I can do for my country?"

 

The recruiter thinks for a second and answers, "Yes - you can donate some sperm. We are trying to develop steroids for our soldiers through growth hormones. Go see the nurse if you are interested."

 

So the old guy is excited of this opportunity and goes and sees the nurse. The nurse hands him a jar and tells him to use the back room. The old guy takes the jar and goes into the back room.

 

The nurse hears moaning and growning for about 10 minutes straight. Finally the old guy pops out of the room and she sees that the jar is empty.

 

He says to her, "look - I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand... and I even tried with both hands....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But I can't open the goddamn jar..."

[Jack Aubrey]

QUOTE (barney_rebel @ Sep 7 2004, 11:46 AM)

So there was this old guy that was just diagnosed with cancer. The doctor tells him that he only has about a month to live. Sadly, he realized he has done nothing in his lifetime to serve his country. So he enlists in the army. The recruiter tells him that he is too old to enlist. The old guy sadly asks, "Is there anything I can do for my country?" The recruiter thinks for a second and answers, "Yes - you can donate some sperm. We are trying to develop steroids for our soldiers through growth hormones. Go see the nurse if you are interested." So the old guy is excited of this opportunity and goes and sees the nurse. The nurse hands him a jar and tells him to use the back room. The old guy takes the jar and goes into the back room. The nurse hears moaning and growning for about 10 minutes straight. Finally the old guy pops out of the room and she sees that the jar is empty. He says to her, "look - I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand... and I even tried with both hands.... But I can't open the goddamn jar..."

GROAN!

 

 

[DonnaWanna]

http://img72.exs.cx/img72/870/myfirstmethlab2wsq.jpg

[Snowdog]

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Sep 7 2004, 09:30 PM)

http://img72.exs.cx/img72/870/myfirstmethlab2wsq.jpg

That is sooooooooooo wrong!

[madra sneachta]

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

 

----------------------------

 

When I decorate I use my step ladder, because I don't get on with my real one.

 

 

 

 

.....btw, the funniest thing about this thread is the idea that I would decorate!!!!!

[Cygnus]

[ladirushfan80]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v415/amandaladi/functoons3.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v415/amandaladi/functoons4.jpg

 

 

 

thanx to my friend eric for emailing these to me.... there's more to come, but i didn't want to post them all today...wayyyyy to many....

[DonnaWanna]

 

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest,meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

 

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

 

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,

 

"Grandpa,....... Go home, You're drunk."

[DonnaWanna]

Weeniesavers Inc.

 

WOMAN CHOPS OFF SLEEPING HUSBAND'S PENIS, DROPS IT FROM MOVING CAR!

DON'T LAUGH, IT'S TRUE! IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!!

Right now, thousands of agitated, irate women have read this headline and are contemplating similar action against you the next time you make an unwanted sexual advance, look at them the wrong way, or just generally piss them off!

MEN, PROTECT YOURSELF NOW!

 

If you found yourself a victim of CDS (Chop and Drop Syndrome), could you be sure the appropriate authorities would find your chopped member in time, and intact! Could you be sure the penis part they found was even yours?

INQUIRE NOW ABOUT OUR LOW COST PENIS PROTECTION PLAN!

 

Plan A - The "Basic Package" We will register your penis and scrotum and tattoo them with their own unique registration numbers, insuring that in case of separation, you will get a perfect match EVERY TIME!

Plan B - The "Jurassic Prick" program. We will take a cell sample from your penis and clone replacement parts for you in the event a tractor-trailer rig runs over your penis, or some wild animal mistakes your detached member for a chew toy!

 

Plan C - "Balls of Steel" For those of you who believe in prevention, we offer a one-size-fits-all battery operated stainless steel jock strap that can be worn when necessary. When you are asleep, an alarm will be activated when metal or other hazardous objects come within one foot of the jock strap. This will guarantee you a full night's sleep, free of worry!

 

DON'T GET CAUGHT SHORT...... ORDER TODAY!

CALL 1-800-SAV-A-DIK

Our operators are standing by for your order

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

Tough Love

 

Much has been said about "tough love" for misbehaving children.

 

Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments".

 

One that we found very effective is for me just take the child for a car ride and talk.

 

They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our little car ride together.

 

I've included the photo below of one of my sessions, with our son, in case you would like to use the technique.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KEEP GOING DOWN.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KEEP GOING DOWN.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KEEP GOING DOWN.

 

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/bsg2112/CarRide.jpg