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The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)


The Notorious B.S.G.
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An oldie but a goodie courtesy of Buddy Hacket:

 

Lady goes into a dentist office. He says, "Youre going to need root canal."

 

"Ooooooh, Id rather have a baby!"

 

"Well tell me which one you want, because I have to adjust the chair..."

 

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>Be aware of this ongoing act of violence that is striking innocent Home >Depot shoppers everywhere.

>Attention: Home Depot Scam

>Here's a heads-up for anyone who may be a regular Home Depot customer.

>Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out

>shopping.

>Simply going out to get supplies for home fix-up projects can turn out

>to be quite traumatic.

>*Don't be naive and think it can't happen to you*.

>

>Here's how the scam works:

>

>Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car

>while you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start

>wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts

>almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to

>look.

>

>When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'no' and instead

>ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in

>the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then

>one of them climbs over into the front seat and (well you probably

>know the rest), while the other one steals your wallet.

>I had my wallet stolen April 24th, 27th, 28th and 30th, May 1st and

>twice on the 3rd, three times just yesterday, and very likely again

>this upcoming weekend.

 

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QUOTE (BSG @ Jul 25 2006, 03:44 PM)
>Be aware of this ongoing act of violence that is striking innocent Home >Depot shoppers everywhere.
>Attention: Home Depot Scam
>Here's a heads-up for anyone who may be a regular Home Depot customer.
>Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
>shopping.
>Simply going out to get supplies for home fix-up projects can turn out
>to be quite traumatic.
>*Don't be naive and think it can't happen to you*.
>
>Here's how the scam works:
>
>Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car
>while you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start
>wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts
>almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to
>look.
>
>When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'no' and instead
>ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in
>the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then
>one of them climbs over into the front seat and (well you probably
>know the rest), while the other one steals your wallet.
>I had my wallet stolen April 24th, 27th, 28th and 30th, May 1st and
>twice on the 3rd, three times just yesterday, and very likely again
>this upcoming weekend.

I thought that was only Walmarts?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, and <harumph>.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Wal-Mart, huh?

 

I guess I DO need a few things from Wally World on the way home.......

 

__________________________________________

 

> While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over

> the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with

> a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

>

> The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that

> classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's

> your hurry?"

>

> To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

>

> "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

> "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

>

> The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what

> does a rectum stretcher do?"

>

> "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then (removed from original joke because even *I* can't bear to read the gory details. You get the idea.) ......until it's about 6 feet wide."

>

> "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?" he

> asked.

>

> "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

>

> Traffic Ticket $150.00

> Court Costs. $45.00

> The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

 

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QUOTE (BSG @ Jul 25 2006, 04:30 PM)
Wal-Mart, huh?

I guess I DO need a few things from Wally World on the way home.......

__________________________________________

> While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over
> the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with
> a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
>
> The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that
> classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's
> your hurry?"
>
> To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
>
> "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
> "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
>
> The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what
> does a rectum stretcher do?"
>
> "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then (removed from original joke because even *I* can't bear to read the gory details. You get the idea.) ......until it's about 6 feet wide."
>
> "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?" he
> asked.
>
> "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
>
> Traffic Ticket $150.00
> Court Costs. $45.00
> The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

laugh.gif 2funny.gif z7shysterical.gif

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Subject: My private part died today

 

 

 

 

 

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a Nursing home.

 

 

 

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

 

Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

 

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

 

 

 

 

 

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,

 

She replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my

condolences.

 

 

 

 

 

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with

 

His Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

 

 

 

 

 

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall

 

Like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your Pajamas."

 

 

 

 

 

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday

 

That my Private Part died."

 

 

 

 

 

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your Pajamas?"

 

 

 

 

 

(You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!)

 

 

 

 

 

"Well, he replied,

 

 

 

 

 

"Today's the viewing."

 

 

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QUOTE (sundog @ Jul 26 2006, 01:19 PM)
Subject: My private part died today





An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a Nursing home.



One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."





Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,

She replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my
condolences.





The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with

His Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.





"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall

Like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your Pajamas."





But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday

That my Private Part died."





"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your Pajamas?"





(You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!)





"Well, he replied,





"Today's the viewing."

icon_really_happy_guy.gif icon_really_happy_guy.gif

 

Good one, Sunny cheer.gif

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Ok, it's an oldie, but I'm sure there are SOME here who've not seen it.

 

So, umm.............. bite me and stuff, k?

____________________________________

 

Men Are Just Happier People--

 

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

 

Your last name stays put.

 

The garage is all yours.

 

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

 

Chocolate is just another snack.

 

You can be President.

 

You can never be pregnant.

 

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

 

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

 

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

 

The world is your urinal.

 

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

 

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

 

Same work, more pay.

 

Wrinkles add character.

 

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

 

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to

them.

 

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

 

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

 

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

 

You know stuff about tanks.

 

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

 

You can open all your own jars.

 

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

 

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be

your friend.

 

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

 

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

 

You almost never have strap problems in public.

 

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

 

Everything on your face stays its original color.

 

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

 

You only have to shave your face and neck.

 

You can play with toys all your life.

 

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

 

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

 

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

 

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

No wonder men are happier.

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The Blonde gets home early from shopping, and hears strange noises

coming from The bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on

the bed, Sweating And panting.

 

"What's wrong?" she asks.

 

"I'm having a heart attack." cries her husband.

 

 

The Blonde runs downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she dials 911,

Her Four-year old son come up and says.." Mommy, Mommy!! Aunt Shirley is

Hiding In Your closet and she's got no clothes on!!"

 

The Blonde slams down the phone and storms upstairs into the bedroom,

Right Past Her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there's her

Sister, Totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. ?

 

"You rotten Bitch", she screams, "My husband is having a heart attack

and You're Running around naked scaring the kids!"

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DOG FOR SALE

 

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

 

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

 

"You talk?" He asks.

 

"Yep," the Lab replies.

 

"So, what's your story?"

 

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

 

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."

 

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

 

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

 

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

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I have 2 Labrador Retrievers & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

 

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

 

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

 

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

 

ohmy.gif ohmy.gif

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Yesterday while I was working at the car dealership, a blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other, and asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there." I gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. I then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.mademelaugh.com/gfx/710.jpg

 

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Southern Grandma

 

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

 

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

 

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

 

 

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One day, a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

 

"What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband.

 

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room and I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What are we going to do?"

 

"Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

 

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Didn't think a new thread was needed for this...

 

Hope you all enjoy!!!

 

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK

 

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

 

2. I don't know what your problem is but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

 

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

 

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

 

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

 

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

 

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message

 

8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.

 

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

 

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

 

11. I like you! You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

 

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

 

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

 

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

 

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

 

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

 

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

 

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

 

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

 

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

 

22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

 

23. Do I look like a people person?

24. This isn't an office; it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

 

25. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

 

26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

27. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

 

28. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed!!

 

29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

 

30. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

 

31. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

 

32. Can I trade this job for what's behind door ..1?

 

33. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

34. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

 

35. Chaos, panic, and disorder --- my work here is done.

 

36. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

 

37. I thought I wanted a career---turns out I just wanted a salary.

 

38. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

 

39. Oh I get it--- it's like humor---but different.

 

 

My supervisor was a WELDER before she got her cushy job...

 

She is a supervisor at our company who has no isea what we

are doing but acts like she has all the answers as she sends

everyone to other employees to get answers to the questions

SHE should answer...

 

She has no idea how to act in an office setting. They gave her

this position becauise she KNOWS somebody... confused13.gif

 

Edited by CeeJ
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Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

 

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?

 

Why, yes, Father, it is.

 

And, who was the woman you were with?

 

I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

 

Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well

tell me now.

 

Was it Brenda O'Malley?

I cannot say.

 

Was it Patricia Kelly?

I'll never tell.

 

Was it Sheilah O'Brien?

I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.

 

Was it Kathleen Morgan?

My lips are sealed.

 

Was it Fiona Grogan, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

 

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy,

and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.

You cannot attend church mass for three months.

Be off with you now."

 

Timmy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"

 

Tim says, "Three month's vacation and five good leads"

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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings

are the only animals that stutter", she says.

 

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she

volunteered.

 

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,

asked the girl to describe the incident.

 

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my little kitty and the

Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,

he jumped over the fence into our yard!

 

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

 

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,

Fffff'... and before he could say "F**ck," the Rottweiler ate him!"

 

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There was this 80 year old biker, who got to the point where he couldn't take care of hismelf anymore. His family didn't have the time or the money to have him move in with them so they had him put in a retirement home.

 

Now, even though he was 80 years old, he still had the mind of a 21 year old. He was walking around the place one night and got talking to one lady around his age. Later that night he asked if she would want to go to his room for some "fun."

 

"Well, I can't really do that anymore because of my heart condition. But if you want, you can come to my room and I'll 'hold it' for you."

 

Figuring it was better than nothing, the biker agreed. He went to his room, pulled it out and she held it for him. He did this for three more nights. On the fourth night, he never arrived at her room and she figured he was doing something else that night. Well... three more nights pass and he was nowhere to be seen.

 

She decides to go for a walk and look for him and find out where he's been. She finds him in another room where another lady his holding it for him.

 

"You two timing bastard! What does she have that I don't?!"

 

"Parkinson's"

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QUOTE (kazzman @ Aug 4 2006, 06:32 AM)
There was this 80 year old biker, who got to the point where he couldn't take care of hismelf anymore. His family didn't have the time or the money to have him move in with them so they had him put in a retirement home.

Now, even though he was 80 years old, he still had the mind of a 21 year old. He was walking around the place one night and got talking to one lady around his age. Later that night he asked if she would want to go to his room for some "fun."

"Well, I can't really do that anymore because of my heart condition. But if you want, you can come to my room and I'll 'hold it' for you."

Figuring it was better than nothing, the biker agreed. He went to his room, pulled it out and she held it for him. He did this for three more nights. On the fourth night, he never arrived at her room and she figured he was doing something else that night. Well... three more nights pass and he was nowhere to be seen.

She decides to go for a walk and look for him and find out where he's been. She finds him in another room where another lady his holding it for him.

"You two timing bastard! What does she have that I don't?!"

"Parkinson's"

spit6ph.gif

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A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

 

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

 

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

 

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

 

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't."

 

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

 

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

 

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

 

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The Giraffe Test

 

 

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

 

 

 

 

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

 

 

 

 

 

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

 

Wrong Answer.

 

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

 

 

 

 

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

 

 

 

 

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

 

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

 

 

Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.

PS: Just the fact that I posted it here you should make you feel good.

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