The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Moonraker]

Centrifuge Jokes....

 

What did the first centrifuge say to the second centrifuge?

- "See you around"

 

What is a centrifuge's favorite song?

- Rock around the clock

 

Where do centrifuges go on vacation?

- Around the world

 

Whats a centrifuge's favorite movie?

- Twister

 

Whats a centrifuge's favorite washer cycle?

- Spin dry

 

Whats a centrifuge's favorite T.V. show?

- Spin City

 

Whats a centrifuges favorite toy?

- Spirograph

 

Why did the centrifuge move to Florida?

- To be near the hurricanes

 

Why did the centrifuge take up clothmaking?

- To use the Spinning Jenny

 

What's a centrifuge's favorite Rush song?

- Turn The Page

[Drumnut]

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

 

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

 

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

 

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

 

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

 

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

 

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

 

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

[Drumnut]

A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."

The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."

 

Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"

[Alsgalpal]

Animal, AGP think that great!!!!!!!

[madra sneachta]

It's as old as the hills, but this is a classic that bears repeating -

 

THE PERFECT PRESENT!

 

 

A young man wanted to buy a gift for his girlfriend for Christmas.

 

 

They hadn't been going out very long so he thought long and hard before

remembering that on their last couple of dates she had complained her hands

were cold. So he decided a pair of gloves might be appropriate, not too

personal but, nonetheless, thoughtful.

 

 

Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, they went to Harrods and he bought a

stylish pair of cream-colored leather gloves.

At the same time, the sister bought a pair of knickers and they both asked

for their purchases to be gift-wrapped.

Unfortunately, the shop assistant mixed the items up and the guy left with

the gift-wrapped knickers and the girlfriend's sister left with the gloves.

 

 

The boyfriend, without checking his package, decided to deliver his present

in person, but when he arrived at his girlfriend's house she wasn't in. So

instead he posted the present through her front door accompanied by the

following note: -

 

 

Happy Christmas Darling,

I hope you like these. I chose them because I noticed you're not in the

habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. Had it not been for

your sister, I'd have chosen long ones with white buttons, but she wears

short ones & they're easier to pull off

I was worried because they're a delicate shade but the shop assistant

showed me the pair she's worn for the past 3 weeks & they're hardly soiled

At all.

I had her try on yours & 'though a little tight, they looked really

smart. She said that the material helps keep her ring clean & shiny and in

fact she hasn't had to wash it since wearing them. I wish you'd been there

so I could've put them on for you myself, as no doubt many hands will come

in contact with them before I see you again.

Just think how many times I'll hold them in my hand over the coming year.

When you take them off, remember to blow into them, as they will be a little

damp from wearing. I hope you'll wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

Dave

XXX

 

 

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

 

[Alsgalpal]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Madra, knee slapper..!!!!!

[Slaine mac Roth]

Nothing personal intended, these statistics are said to have come from the Australian Bureau of Statistics:

 

 

*31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

 

 

*19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate.

 

 

*Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents.

 

 

*101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

 

 

*18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

 

 

*A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.

 

 

*5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalextric cars.

 

 

*3 Australians die each year testing whether a 9V battery works on their tongue.

 

 

*142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.

 

 

*58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

 

 

and finally:

 

 

*8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after passing out unconcious while throwing up into the toilet.

 

YEP! its great to be Australian!

 

[Moonraker]

Sequenced DNA jokes..

 

Why did the sequenced DNA do so badly at golf?

- Because he had no T's

 

Where did the sequenced DNA go on vacation?

- CA (CT or GA works too )

 

Whats a sequenced DNA's favorite movie?

- GATTACA

 

What did the alien sequenced DNA say to the human sequenced DNA's?

- "TAC me to your leader"

 

Why did the female sequenced DNA do so well in Las Vegas?

- She had no GAG reflex

 

What does Larry Flynt's sequenced DNA like best?

- T and A

 

Why was the sequenced DNA arrested by animal control?

- It had too many CAT's

 

What did Braveheart's sequenced DNA say?

- "They may TAC our lives, but they will never TAC our freedom!"

 

Why does the sequenced DNA like summer so much?

- So it can turn up the AC

 

Why does sequenced DNA like Hamlet so much?

- It loves to ACT

 

What does sequenced DNA like best about Star Wars?

- The AT-AT walkers.

[Drumnut]

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.

 

After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

 

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

[Chasartymac]

Breaking news. It has been reported that Tony Blair has survived an assasination attempt. A lone gunman has been arrested and is being questioned by police. How he was able to get close enough to use the gun is being regarded very seriously by the home office. Doctors said that Mr Blair is fine and will be released shortly. They say the bullet went through the middle of his head and missed his brain by 6 feet.

 

 

[Slaine mac Roth]

QUOTE (Chasartymac @ Dec 8 2004, 11:02 PM)

Breaking news. It has been reported that Tony Blair has survived an assasination attempt. A lone gunman has been arrested and is being questioned by police. How he was able to get close enough to use the gun is being regarded very seriously by the home office. Doctors said that Mr Blair is fine and will be released shortly. They say the bullet went through the middle of his head and missed his brain by 6 feet.

Only one suspect, I thought there would have been about 30 million.

[Drumnut]

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.

 

Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

 

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.

 

"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.

 

"Tennis ball,? the man said smiling back.

 

"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"

[Drumnut]

Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"

 

The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."

 

The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!"

 

The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie..."

[madra sneachta]

QUOTE (Drumnut @ Dec 9 2004, 12:58 AM)

Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?" The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack." The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!" The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie..."

That's probably my father in law you're talking about!!

 

[Drumnut]

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

 

"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.

 

"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."

 

"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

 

"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.

 

"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/Christmas01.jpg

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/Christmas02.jpg

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/Christmas03.jpg

[madra sneachta]

A chicken and an egg are cuddling together in bed in a warm post coital embrace

 

The egg turned to the chicken and says -

 

"Well, that's that question answered"

[Drumnut]

Self-Explanatory

 

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

 

[madra sneachta]

QUOTE (Drumnut @ Dec 10 2004, 06:50 AM)

Self-Explanatory An Irishman walks out of a bar.

[madra sneachta]

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of

breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and

firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but

hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many

kinds of willies are there?"

 

The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers,

"Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his willy

is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a

birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas

tree."

"A Christmas tree"?

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"

 

[Cygnus]

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

 

"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

 

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

 

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

 

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

 

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

 

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

 

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

 

[Cygnus]

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: 'Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?'

 

The father replies: 'Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.'

 

The boy goes and asks his mother: 'Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?' The mother replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

 

The little boy returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father then says: 'Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000.'

 

The boy asks his sister: 'Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?' The sister replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

 

He returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father answers: 'Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.'

 

[Cygnus]

This is a bricklayer's accident report

 

Dear Sir;

 

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

 

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

 

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

 

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

 

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

 

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

 

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

 

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

 

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

 

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

 

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (madra sneachta @ Dec 10 2004, 05:34 AM)

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry." This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree"? "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"

Ohh, dear....

[Cygnus]

A New York City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stops beside him.

 

"Nice bike," the cop says, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl says, "he sure did!"

 

The cop looks the bike over and hands the little girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

 

"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of the bike." the cop explains.

 

The young girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you got there officer, did Santa bring it to you?"

 

"Yes, he did," chuckled the cop.

 

"You need to tell Santa that the ass belongs underneath the tail, and not on top of the horse".