The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Pags]

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

 

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

 

2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."

 

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

 

4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weightlifter.

 

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

 

Now, think about it seriously Mister, Do you still wanna tell that joke?

 

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

 

"Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (paganoman @ May 5 2006, 08:35 AM)

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl." 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously Mister, Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

you didn't

[Pags]

A soldier named Scot came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."

 

The nun agreed.

 

Just a moment later two Military Police came running along And asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"

 

The nun replied, "He went that way."

 

After the MP's disappeared, Scot crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sisters, but you see -- I don't want to go to Iraq."

 

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

 

Scot added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs and I couldn't help but rub and kiss them a little!"

 

The nun replied, "Oh I didn't mind a bit. If you had rubbed a little higher you would have felt a great set of balls . . I don't want to go to Iraq either."

 

[Pags]

Two Muslum spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.

 

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:

 

"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now."

 

So the first spy started speaking Spanish.

[madra sneachta]

Can't resist this.......

 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous woman sitting at the next table. He has been eyeing her since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes. Her glass eye projects from its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it mid-flight, and hands it back.

 

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast the next morning.

 

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies... "You just happened to catch my eye."

 

[Pags]

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Apr 28 2006, 01:07 AM)

QUOTE (paganoman @ Apr 27 2006, 11:38 AM) edited to include the most accurate part of the story... Just then the woman would have her curiousity satisfied as Pags entered the drug store...

[Pags]

QUOTE (madra sneachta @ May 5 2006, 09:45 AM)

Can't resist this....... A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous woman sitting at the next table. He has been eyeing her since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes. Her glass eye projects from its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it mid-flight, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies... "You just happened to catch my eye."

Ohhhhh ba dum bump.

 

You're too much, man.

[Romi - The Bringer of Love]

QUOTE (GhostGirl @ Dec 3 2004, 12:59 PM)

SLAINE!!!  My contribution for today: A store that sells wives opens in Dallas, TX, where a man may go to choose a wife from among MANY women. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the women increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may choose a wife from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building--no stopping on any lower floors. A man goes to the shopping center to find a wife. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These women have jobs. The man reads the sign and says to himself, "Well, that's better than my last girlfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up he goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These women have jobs, love sports, and drink beer. The man smiles to himself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better!" he says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good looking and do all the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the man, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more,much more, further up!" He heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good looking, do all the housework and don't bitch and gripe about anything. "Hot Damn!..how close to perfect can you get?.. But just think...what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor he goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 133,956,779,012 to this floor. There are no women on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that men are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Wife Mart, and have a nice day.

As they say in Second Nature: "Perfect's not for real"

[Cygnus]

Hellmann's

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

 

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

 

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on! May 5th and is known, of course, as

Sinko de Mayo.

 

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (Romi - The Bringer of Love @ May 5 2006, 12:35 PM)

QUOTE (GhostGirl @ Dec 3 2004, 12:59 PM) SLAINE!!!  My contribution for today: A store that sells wives opens in Dallas, TX, where a man may go to choose a wife from among MANY women. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the women increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may choose a wife from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building--no stopping on any lower floors. A man goes to the shopping center to find a wife. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These women have jobs. The man reads the sign and says to himself, "Well, that's better than my last girlfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up he goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These women have jobs, love sports, and drink beer. The man smiles to himself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better!" he says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good looking and do all the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the man, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more,much more, further up!" He heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good looking, do all the housework and don't bitch and gripe about anything. "Hot Damn!..how close to perfect can you get?.. But just think...what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor he goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 133,956,779,012 to this floor. There are no women on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that men are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Wife Mart, and have a nice day. As they say in Second Nature: "Perfect's not for real"

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (paganoman @ May 5 2006, 08:51 AM)

QUOTE (madra sneachta @ May 5 2006, 09:45 AM) Can't resist this....... A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous woman sitting at the next table. He has been eyeing her since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes. Her glass eye projects from its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it mid-flight, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies... "You just happened to catch my eye." Ohhhhh ba dum bump.   You're too much, man.

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (blonde77th @ May 8 2006, 06:27 AM)

QUOTE (paganoman @ May 5 2006, 08:51 AM) QUOTE (madra sneachta @ May 5 2006, 09:45 AM) Can't resist this....... A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous woman sitting at the next table. He has been eyeing her since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes. Her glass eye projects from its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it mid-flight, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies... "You just happened to catch my eye." Ohhhhh ba dum bump.   You're too much, man.

[Dreamline]

Two dead people get married.

 

They decide that they need some kind of code to decide when they are both in the mood for sex.

 

After much complex sign-language and writing of messages, he decides on the following rules:

 

"When I want to make love I will gently stroke your right breast".

 

"If the answer is YES, pull gently on my penis once"

 

"If the answer is NO, pull gently on my penis 150 times"

 

 

[Cygnus]

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you

get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very

comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. open the package and removed the thermometer.

 

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins.

 

Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested". Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the Thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

 

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS.

 

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ May 9 2006, 12:51 PM)

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. open the package and removed the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested". Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the Thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson." HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS.

 

[ABZ Highlander]

Three men are sitting in a room smoking hash. After a few spliffs they

> run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says "Look, we've got

> loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my

> speciality spliffs." Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some

> Cumin, Turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds

> them up and rolls them into a spliff. On his return he hands it to one

> of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within

> seconds he passes out.

>

 

> Ten minutes go by and he is still out cold, so the others decide to take

> him to hospital. On arrival the nurses immediately take him to intensive

> care. A doctor returns to the friends and asks "So what have you been

> doing then? Smoking cannabis?"

>

 

>

 

> "Well sort of", replies one of the guys, "But we ran out of gear, so I

> made a home-made spliff."

>

 

>

 

> "Ahh" replies the doctor, "And what did you put in it?"

>

 

>

 

> "Oh, just a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices."

>

 

>

 

> The doctor sighs. "Well that explains it."

>

 

> "Why, what's wrong with our friend?" asks one of the men.

>

 

> "He's in a korma." replies the doctor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Alsgalpal]

I guess this really happened

 

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and earing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[netgirl]

http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d93/netgirl2112/ShowLetter.gif

 

I was feeling a little nosey, so I thought I would look in on you and see if you are sitting at your computer...

 

Yup, there you are!

 

Have a Great Day!

 

 

 

[Cygnus]

Southern Grandma

 

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

 

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

 

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

 

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

 

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

 

The defense attorney almost died.

 

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

 

[Cygnus]

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible

sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being

diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to

blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous

intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra

pill every four hours.

 

The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for

him, Doctor?

 

The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

[sundog]

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining

room table:

 

"To My Dear Wife,

 

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54

years old, can no longer satisfy.

 

I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after

reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact

that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the

Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before

midnight."

 

 

 

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the

dining room table:

 

"My Dear Husband,

 

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54

years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are

also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.

I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel

Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis

coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a

successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will

understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small

difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be back home until sometime tomorrow."

 

 

[DonnaWanna]

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy our stay in the Tampa Bay area". He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

 

The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the big big tits out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

 

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

 

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

[DonnaWanna]

http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/6994/tramp6dw.jpg

[Test4VitalSigns]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v300/test4vitalsigns/42-22-38.jpg

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ May 12 2006, 03:35 AM)

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy our stay in the Tampa Bay area". He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the big big tits out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long." Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."