The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Slaine mac Roth]

QUOTE (Rivendell @ Nov 15 2004, 12:11 AM)

Where did that come from?

A couple of months ago the UK version of Classic Rock Magazine did a majot Rush special due to the upcoming tour. That was in there.

[rickyrob]

12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

 

 

 

[NeilPeartFan2112]

QUOTE (rickyrob @ Nov 15 2004, 03:41 PM)

12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

I love it!!! Alright I'm done now

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?

Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

[Midway Hawker]

QUOTE (BSG @ Nov 15 2004, 01:55 PM)

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day? Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

Rich Hall did a whole stand up routine on that subject once...

 

"Lather, rinse.. Repeat. HMMMMMMMM It doesn't say anything about stoping here....... "

 

It was funny as hell..

 

[Riv]

QUOTE (BSG @ Nov 15 2004, 02:55 PM)

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day? Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

[hair]lather, rinse, repeat[/hair]

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (Rivendell @ Nov 15 2004, 08:54 PM)

QUOTE (BSG @ Nov 15 2004, 02:55 PM) How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day? Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat." [hair]lather, rinse, repeat[/hair]

[Sweetmiracle]

From Geekpress.com...

 

A couple is golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband says, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows it'll cost us a fortune to fix."

 

The wife tees up and promptly shanks it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringes and says, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

 

They walk up and knock, and a voice says, "Come in."

 

When they open the door, they see glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch says, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

 

"Uh, yeah," the husband says. "Sorry about that."

 

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a Genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

 

"OK, great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

 

"No problem - it's the least I could do.

 

And you, what do you want?" the Genie says, looking at the wife.

 

"I want a house in every country of the world," she says.

 

"Consider it done."

 

"And what's your wish, Genie?" the husband asks.

 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years.

 

My wish is to sleep with your wife."

 

The husband looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it's OK with me if it's OK with you."

 

So the genie takes the wife upstairs and ravishes her for two hours.

 

Afterward, he rolls over, looks at the wife, and says, "How old is your husband anyway?"

 

"He's 35, why?", she asks.

 

"And he still believes in Genies?"

[Sweetmiracle]

Also, try this one....

 

Link

[Test4VitalSigns]

An older gent decided one day to take his 6 year old grandson golfing with him. They're playing along when at the 6th hole, Grandpa decided to have a smoke. The grandson looked at the cigarette and asked "Grandpa, can I try one of those?". Grandpa smiled and decided to humor his grandson. He bends over down to him and says, "Well that depends. When you put your wee-wee underneath and between your legs, does it reach your bumhole?". The grandson looks down dejectedly and responds, "No". The Grandfather than says "Well than that means you are too young and cannot have a cigarette."

The two kept on playing. When they came to the 12th hole, the grandfather decides to have a beer. The kid looks at the beer Grandpa is drinking and asks, "Grandpa can I have one of those?" The grandfather bends over and asks again, "When you put your wee-wee underneath and between your legs, does it reach your bumhole?" Again the boy looks down and mutters, "No". "Well that means you are too young and you cannot have a beer."

Upon reaching the last hole, the kid pulls out a bag of chocolate chip cookies and starts eating them. Grandpa sees this, and being a little hungry, he asks, "Can your grandpa have one of those cookies?" The kid looks up and says "Well that depends Grandpa. When you put your wee-wee underneath and between your legs, does it reach your bumhole?" The Grandfather beams and says proudly, "Why yes! Indeed it does!" The kid responds, "Then you can go f**k yourself cause Grandma made these cookies for me!!!!!"

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/RandPC2004.jpg

[Drumnut]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Nov 18 2004, 09:27 AM)

An older gent decided one day to take his 6 year old grandson golfing with him. They're playing along when at the 6th hole, Grandpa decided to have a smoke. The grandson looked at the cigarette and asked "Grandpa, can I try one of those?". Grandpa smiled and decided to humor his grandson. He bends over down to him and says, "Well that depends. When you put your wee-wee underneath and between your legs, does it reach your bumhole?". The grandson looks down dejectedly and responds, "No". The Grandfather than says "Well than that means you are too young and cannot have a cigarette." The two kept on playing. When they came to the 12th hole, the grandfather decides to have a beer. The kid looks at the beer Grandpa is drinking and asks, "Grandpa can I have one of those?" The grandfather bends over and asks again, "When you put your wee-wee underneath and between your legs, does it reach your bumhole?" Again the boy looks down and mutters, "No". "Well that means you are too young and you cannot have a beer." Upon reaching the last hole, the kid pulls out a bag of chocolate chip cookies and starts eating them. Grandpa sees this, and being a little hungry, he asks, "Can your grandpa have one of those cookies?" The kid looks up and says "Well that depends Grandpa. When you put your wee-wee underneath and between your legs, does it reach your bumhole?" The Grandfather beams and says proudly, "Why yes! Indeed it does!" The kid responds, "Then you can go f**k yourself cause Grandma made these cookies for me!!!!!"

[madra sneachta]

This is probably old hat across the Atlantic, but here goes -

 

George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy

Washington restaurant.

 

Their waitress approaches their table to take their order; she is young and

very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have

the heart-healthy salad."

Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you

want, Mr. President?"

 

Bush answers, "How about a quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed

in you. I thought you were committed to high principles and morality. I'm

sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff.

 

Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, I believe that's

pronounced 'quiche'".

 

[Cygnus]

QUOTE (madra sneachta @ Nov 24 2004, 05:28 AM)

Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced 'quiche'".

[Cygnus]

THANKSGIVING HUMOR

 

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

 

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

 

"Like Heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

 

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

[Test4VitalSigns]

Since I am being addressed as a certain part of the male anatomy by some folks here (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! ) I thought I'd post a related joke so to speak...here goes....

 

At the Olympics the Gold Metal Match for wrestling was about to begin. The finalists were an American and a Russian. Before the match started, the American's trainer comes to him and says, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold. If he does, your're finished!" The wrestler nods in agreement.

The match begins...The American and Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, acheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eyes just in time to see the Russian flying through the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud and the American weakly collapse on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

 

The trainer is astounded. When he finally gets the wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you get out of that hold? No one has ever done that!" The wrestler answers, "Well I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies as hard as I could. You'd be amazed at how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

Edited November 29, 2004 by Test4VitalSigns

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

Ok, it's a couple days late. So sue me, eh?

 

_______________________________

 

A Thanksgiving Story!

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

 

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

 

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

 

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

The genie

 

A woman was walking along a deserted beach one day when she saw an old

bottle. She picked it up and while she was rubbing the sand off, smoke arose

from it and a genie appeared.

 

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope,

sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...

what'll it be?"

 

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See

this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want

all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring

about world peace and harmony."

 

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These

countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after

being in a bottle for five hundred years I'm good but not THAT good! I

don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

 

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find

the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and

help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my

family. Doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I

wish for .. a good man."

 

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the fu*king map again".

[Trance]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Nov 29 2004, 06:16 AM)

Since I am being addressed as a certain part of the male anatomy by some folks here (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! ) I thought I'd post a related joke so to speak...here goes.... At the Olympics the Gold Metal Match for wrestling was about to begin. The finalists were an American and a Russian. Before the match started, the American's trainer comes to him and says, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold. If he does, your're finished!" The wrestler nods in agreement. The match begins...The American and Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, acheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eyes just in time to see the Russian flying through the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud and the American weakly collapse on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer is astounded. When he finally gets the wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you get out of that hold? No one has ever done that!" The wrestler answers, "Well I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies as hard as I could. You'd be amazed at how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

I knew that was coming!!!! Loved the grandpa joke too

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

The genie - Take 2

 

A man was walking along a deserted beach one day when he saw an old bottle. He picked it up and while he was rubbing the sand off, smoke arose from it and a genie appeared.

 

The amazed man asked if he got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

 

The man did not hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

 

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Man, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

 

The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right woman. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes the same things I like, doesn't complain, nag or b*tch, likes to cook real food, and have sex as much as I do. One who doesn't criticize the way I do things when I do some housework, and never wants the remote control. She'd never belittle my family. Doesn't watch soap operas or Jerry Springer and Oprah all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for .. a good woman."

 

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the fu*king map again".

Edited November 30, 2004 by BSG

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

The Anniversary

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

 

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

 

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

 

The husband looks up from his coffee," Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

 

"Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

 

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

 

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

 

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

 

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

 

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today".

Edited November 30, 2004 by BSG

[GhostGirl]

 

Now THAT is priceless.

[Cygnus]

"I would have gotten out today"

[Jack Aubrey]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the

pearly gates.

 

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each

possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

 

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

 

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells".

 

Saint Peter said: "you may pass through the pearly gates."

 

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and

finally pulled out a pair of lady's underwear.

 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just

what do those symbolize?"

 

The man replied, "They're Carol's".

[barney_rebel]

For this married couple, the kids were finally old enough to understand 'sex'.

 

So the husband and wife developed this coding system. Everytime they want to do it, one of them asks the other "want to do the laundry?"

 

So one night, the family was watching movies. The husband leans over to the wife and asks"want to do the laundry?"

 

She told him "after the movie dear".

 

So later that night they are in the bedroom. The wife asks the husband, "so are you ready to do the laundry?"

 

The husband replies, "after I have a shower, dear".

 

So half hour later, he gets out, dries himself off and comes into the bedroom. At this point the wife was pissed. "I've been waiting a half hour, are we gonna do the laundry or what?"

 

He says, "sorry dear - it was a small load so I did it by hand."