DonnaWanna Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Feb 21 2006, 02:11 PM) NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arleen2112 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Feb 21 2006, 05:11 PM) NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daylin Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed Mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 QUOTE (Daylin @ Feb 22 2006, 07:41 PM) Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed Mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!" Love it! Looks good on her! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeneticBlend Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Feb 21 2006, 05:11 PM) NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'." I don't get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nebbish Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Fart Football A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "One nil." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Goal - 1-1". After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,"Penalty- 2-1." Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty - 2-2." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,"Free Kick - Goal, 3-2." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed. The wife says, What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, change sides" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arleen2112 Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 QUOTE (nebbish @ Feb 24 2006, 10:53 AM) Fart Football A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "One nil." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Goal - 1-1". After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,"Penalty- 2-1." Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty - 2-2." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,"Free Kick - Goal, 3-2." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed. The wife says, What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, change sides" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rush! Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Well this isn't really a joke but I still find it funny to this day... About a year ago I woke up in the middle of the night. It was around 3AM and I was completely tired. I went to the bathroom to piss and I completely missed the toilet. That morning I wake up around 10AM and my dad says: "Hey, next time, aim and fire!" I just couldn't stop laughing!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 QUOTE (Rush! @ Feb 24 2006, 02:20 PM) Well this isn't really a joke but I still find it funny to this day... About a year ago I woke up in the middle of the night. It was around 3AM and I was completely tired. I went to the bathroom to piss and I completely missed the toilet. That morning I wake up around 10AM and my dad says: "Hey, next time, aim and fire!" I just couldn't stop laughing!! I am so glad I am not a guy... They are so hard to aim... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 How babies are born these days THIS IS MUCH BETTER THAN THE DREARY OLD BIRDS AND BEES. A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered "THE TEETH." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soni Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 (edited) you know what really grinds my gear? Nobody came with a "priest-and-a-rabbi" since I don't know how long! Image deleted for content. Edited February 27, 2006 by Digital Man Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ABZ Highlander Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 (edited) Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?" Edited March 1, 2006 by ABZ Highlander Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Test4VitalSigns Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v300/test4vitalsigns/hb2.gif Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ABZ Highlander Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 >Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a > > >> ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or > > >> illness and greets one. > > >> > > >> The patient replies: > > >> > > >> "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, > > >> Great chieftain o the puddin race, > > >> Aboon them a ye take yer place, > > >> Painch, tripe or thairm, > > >> As langs my airm." > > >> > > >> Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the > > >> next patient. > > >> > > >> The patient responds: > > >> > > >> "Some hae meat an canna eat, > > >> And some wad eat that want it, > > >> But we hae meat an we can eat, > > >> So let the Lord be thankit." > > >> > > >> Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM > > >> moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to > > >> chant: > > >> > > >> "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, > > >> O the panic in thy breasty, > > >> Thou needna start awa sae hastie, > > >> Wi bickering brattle." > > >> > > >> Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying > > >> doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?" > > >> > > >> "No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns > > >> unit." > > >> Hopefully some of you might get this! Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nebbish Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 QUOTE (ABZ Highlander @ Mar 3 2006, 02:37 PM) >Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a > > >> ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or > > >> illness and greets one. > > >> > > >> The patient replies: > > >> > > >> "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, > > >> Great chieftain o the puddin race, > > >> Aboon them a ye take yer place, > > >> Painch, tripe or thairm, > > >> As langs my airm." > > >> > > >> Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the > > >> next patient. > > >> > > >> The patient responds: > > >> > > >> "Some hae meat an canna eat, > > >> And some wad eat that want it, > > >> But we hae meat an we can eat, > > >> So let the Lord be thankit." > > >> > > >> Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM > > >> moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to > > >> chant: > > >> > > >> "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, > > >> O the panic in thy breasty, > > >> Thou needna start awa sae hastie, > > >> Wi bickering brattle." > > >> > > >> Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying > > >> doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?" > > >> > > >> "No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns > > >> unit." > > >> Hopefully some of you might get this! Good luck! I did... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ABZ Highlander Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 QUOTE (nebbish @ Mar 3 2006, 02:50 PM) I did... Thought you would neb! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arndrake Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Amazingly enough, I got it too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ABZ Highlander Posted March 4, 2006 Share Posted March 4, 2006 QUOTE (Arndrake @ Mar 3 2006, 09:47 PM) Amazingly enough, I got it too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slaine mac Roth Posted March 4, 2006 Share Posted March 4, 2006 It took until the last patient before the penny started to drop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted March 4, 2006 Share Posted March 4, 2006 Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland " The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am" The first guy says, "So am I And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith & begora it's a small world, so did I.! So did I. And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self." About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight" Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?" "The Murphy twins are drunk again." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 CATHOLIC HORSES Bubba was from Alabama, and a good ole Southern Baptist. He loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies, and losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race. Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Bubba made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Bubba collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won! Bubba was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost all my savings, thanks to you!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Baptists....you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 No Sex Since 1955 A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ABZ Highlander Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 A bear, a lion and a chicken meet. > > Bear says: "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest > is shivering with fear." Lion says: "And if I roar on the great > plains of Africa, the entire > savannah is afraid of me." Says the chicken: "Big deal. I only > have to cough, and the entire planet > sh*ts itself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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