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The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)


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Top ten things that sound dirty in law but aren't:

  • 10. Have you looked through her briefs?
  • 9. He is one hard judge!
  • 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
  • 7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
  • 6. Is it a penal offense?
  • 5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
  • 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
  • 3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
  • 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

     

    And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

     

  • 1. Think you can get me off?
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QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jan 24 2006, 09:10 AM)
A Plan to save bankrupt airlines:

Replace all female flight attendants with some good-lookin' strippers! What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?


The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.


Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues.


Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?


Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

That's a brilliant idea!!!!!!!!! new_thumbsupsmileyanim.gif

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A man was in a long line at the drug store.

As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get

condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some

brought up to the register. She asked, "What

size condoms?"

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop

his pants.

He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and

called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

 

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most

of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to

the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

 

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he

had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual

contact with a live female so he thought this was his chance.

 

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said......

 

 

 

 

"Cleanup, Register 5."

 

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A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The

nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you

weigh?" she asks.

 

"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It

turns out her weight is 150.

 

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

 

"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and sees that

she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.

 

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is

very high.

 

"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here, I

was tall and slender, and now I'm short and fat!"

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A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of a

store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,

"Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

 

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the

street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

 

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new

preacher in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on

Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

 

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you

don't even know the way to the post office!"

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Creative Accounting

 

 

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks. "What is your occupation?"

 

The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."

 

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

 

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

 

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

 

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

 

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?"

 

"Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."

 

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The Microsoft Fix comp26.gif

 

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

 

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

 

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, 'Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?'

 

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Another nod to our friends across the pond:

 

Three old men are riding in a car in rural England. One says: "Is this Wembly?"

Another one says: "No, it's thursday."

The third one says: "I am too, let's stop for a pint."

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This guy went to church on Sunday, and saw this woman that looked very familiar, but whom he hadn't seen in quite awhile. After church he caught up to her, and said "Hi - you look like Helen Brown", to which she replied "Well, you don't look so good in blue either!"
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Definition of ugly..........

 

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

 

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?

 

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.

 

"Why? Do you think they look alike?"

 

"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

 

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QUOTE (sundog @ Jan 29 2006, 09:55 AM)
QUOTE (gremlack @ Jan 29 2006, 11:38 AM)
So a blonde walks into a bar...



OUCH!

So a dyslexic walks into a bra......

 

 

 

wink.gif

Thats one of my favorites!!!! laugh.gif

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Cabbie Learns About Frank - The Saint!

 

 

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

 

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie

says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

 

Passenger: "Who?"

 

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time! Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank - every single time."

 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

 

 

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

 

 

Cabbie: "There's more"......." He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

 

 

Passenger. "Wow, some bloke then"

 

 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not

like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

 

 

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

 

 

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - the perfect man!"

 

 

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

 

 

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

 

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

 

Cabbie: "I married his f**king widow."

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laugh.gif Cygnus ^^

 

That reminds me of this golf joke.

 

I once went golfing with a man who had the most amazing golf ball.

 

When he hit it into the woods, it would deploy a beacon. If it rolled under a root it would deploy a saw and cut itself out. If it went into the water, and engine would pop out and it would float top the side of the pond.

 

When I asked him where he had got the ball he said

 

"I don't know, I found this one."

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http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/sundog918/coupleinlove.jpg

 

An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

 

 

 

She replied: a can of peaches.

 

 

 

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

 

 

 

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

 

 

 

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

 

 

 

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

 

 

 

He said, " What is it? "

 

 

 

"She also stole a can of peas."

 

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QUOTE (sundog @ Jan 29 2006, 09:41 PM)
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/sundog918/coupleinlove.jpg

An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"



She replied: a can of peaches.



The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.



The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.



The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."



Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.



He said, " What is it? "



"She also stole a can of peas."

icon_really_happy_guy.gif

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Sign over a gynecologist's office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

 

In a podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

 

On a septic tank truck in Oregon:

"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

 

On another septic tank truck:

"We're #1 in the #2 business"

 

On a proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit, please back in."

 

On a plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

 

On another plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

 

On a church's billboard:

"Seven days without God makes one weak."

 

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

 

On a plastic surgeon's office door:

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

 

At a towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

 

On an electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

 

In a nonsmoking area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

 

On a maternity room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

 

At an optometrist's office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

 

On a taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

 

On a fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

 

At a car dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet: Miss a car payment."

 

Outside a muffler shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

 

In a veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"

 

At the electric company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

 

In a restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

 

In the front yard of a funeral home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

 

At a propane filling station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

 

Sign at a Chicago radiator shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

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so this guy looks up at the bird and says , you wouldnt shit me would you.
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Three women, all of whom work in the same office block, get in the lift where they notice a mark on the wall.

 

The first woman looks closely and comments "That looks like semen."

 

The second women gives it a sniff and says "It smells like semen."

 

The third woman gives it a lick and says "Its not from anyone who works in this office block."

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