The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[GeneticBlend]

A rich man and a poor man sat at a bar talking about their wives' birthdays. The poor man asked the rich man," So what did you get your wife for her birthday?"

 

The rich man said, "A Mercedes Benz and a diamond ring."

 

The poor man asked, "Why both?"

 

The rich man said, "So if she doesn't like the ring she can get in her new car and take it back."

 

The rich man asked, "So what did you get your wife?"

 

The poor man replied, "A pair of flip-flops and a dildo."

 

The rich man asked why both, and the poor man replied, "That way if she doesn't like the flip flops she can go f*** herself!"

[1-0-0-1-0-0-1]

[RushRevisited]

QUOTE (GeneticBlend @ Aug 31 2005, 11:56 PM)

A rich man and a poor man sat at a bar talking about their wives' birthdays. The poor man asked the rich man," So what did you get your wife for her birthday?" The rich man said, "A Mercedes Benz and a diamond ring." The poor man asked, "Why both?" The rich man said, "So if she doesn't like the ring she can get in her new car and take it back." The rich man asked, "So what did you get your wife?" The poor man replied, "A pair of flip-flops and a dildo." The rich man asked why both, and the poor man replied, "That way if she doesn't like the flip flops she can go f*** herself!"

[Cygnus]

A teacher is reading her class the story of Chicken Little, and

says, "Chicken Little ran up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling!

The sky is falling!'" She looks at the class and says, "What do you

think the farmer said to that?"

"I know!" says Little Johnny. "I'll bet he said, 'Holy sh!t! A talking chicken!'"

 

[physics23]

Here's a riddle.

 

What does it mean when you slice a potato and the edges have a pinkish hue?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: It means you're using the same knife you used to cut open a pomegranate an hour earlier, but never washed.

 

Actually took me a while to figure that out...

Edited September 2, 2005 by physics23

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (physics23 @ Sep 2 2005, 10:01 AM)

Here's a riddle. What does it mean when you slice a potato and the edges have a pinkish hue? Answer: It means you're using the same knife you used to cut open a pomegranate an hour earlier, but never washed. Actually took me a while to figure that out...

That sounds like something I would do...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thats great!!!!

[Slaine mac Roth]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a

particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a

couple of dollars for dinner.

 

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If

I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

 

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

 

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

 

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I

can get just to stay alive."

 

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of

food?" the man asked.

 

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf

in 20 years!"

 

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district

instead of food?" the man asked.

 

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the

homeless man.

 

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.

Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my

wife."

 

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with

you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty

disgusting."

 

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what

a man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer. One day as 5 o'clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who says she's very horny. On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to jerk it before he gets home. He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car." So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts jerkin it. A few minutes later, there's a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn't open his eyes, but just hollars, "Yeah?" "I'm Officer Brown. What are you doing down there?" "Well, officer, I'm checking my axle; I think it's come lose." "Well, mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your car's 2 blocks down the road crashed into a tree."

[Test4VitalSigns]

Once upon a wish...

 

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a "genie". But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

 

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works". "You have three wishes."

 

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."

 

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It

looks like you're a goner anyway!"

 

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with

plentiful food and drink."

 

***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

 

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

 

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

 

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

 

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

 

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

 

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

 

The moral of the story?

 

If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!

[Digital Man]

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

 

 

 

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

 

[Digital Man]

The Other Stall

 

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:

"Hi, how are you?"

 

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

"Doin' just fine!"

 

And the other person says:

"So what are you up to?"

 

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

 

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over?"

 

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them

"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

 

Then I hear the person say nervously...

 

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

 

[sundog]

QUOTE (Digital Man @ Sep 4 2005, 10:33 AM)

The Other Stall I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other person says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did this really happen?

[Digital Man]

QUOTE (sundog @ Sep 4 2005, 03:13 PM)

QUOTE (Digital Man @ Sep 4 2005, 10:33 AM) The Other Stall I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other person says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions                                           Did this really happen? I know I'm a geek, but I'm not that much of a dork....

[sundog]

QUOTE (Digital Man @ Sep 4 2005, 05:25 PM)

QUOTE (sundog @ Sep 4 2005, 03:13 PM) QUOTE (Digital Man @ Sep 4 2005, 10:33 AM) The Other Stall I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other person says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions                                           Did this really happen? I know I'm a geek, but I'm not that much of a dork.... http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/sundog918/geeks.jpg

[sundog]

A man owned a small farm in Iowa. The Iowa Wage and Hour Department

claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out

to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay

them," demanded the agent.

 

"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him

$600 a week plus free room and board.

 

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus

free room and board.

 

Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He

makes $10 a week and every payday I buy him a bottle of Bourbon......

replied the farmer.

 

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

 

The farmer says, "That would be me."

 

[Slaine mac Roth]

Sharing a Room

 

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was

taken.

 

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't

care where."

 

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted

the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the

truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained

in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

 

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

 

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and

bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

 

"Never better."

 

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

 

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

 

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

 

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine

explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,

beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

 

 

[Slaine mac Roth]

RUDE PARROT

 

 

 

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was

fully-grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every

other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were,

to say the least, rude.

 

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was

constantly saying polite words and playing soft music; he tried

everything he knew. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird,

the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder

and ruder.

 

Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the

freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking

and screaming horrible expletives. Then, suddenly, there was

quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the

bird and opened the freezer door.

 

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and

said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language

and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to

correct my behavior." David was astounded at the bird's change

of attitude and was about to ask what had changed him . . . when

the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

 

 

[Slaine mac Roth]

Lawyer and The Blonde

 

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long

flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if

she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take

a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to

catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the

game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a

question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and

visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some

sleep.

 

The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't

know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I

will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he

will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention

and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless

she plays, agrees to the game.

 

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from

the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches

in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up

a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer

looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop

computer and searches all his references. He taps into the

Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of

Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and

friends. All to no avail.

 

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The

blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to

sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the

blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word,

the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes

back to sleep.

 

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

 

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

 

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

[Test4VitalSigns]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by

cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could

live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go

to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So

all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

 

The first one came back and said to the king, I brought ten

apples. The king then explained the trial to him. You have to

shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your

face or youll be eaten.

 

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out

in pain, so he was killed.

 

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the

king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this

should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the

ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

 

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one

asked, Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it? The

second one replied, I couldnt help it, I saw the third guy

coming with pineapples.

[Cygnus]

A police officer noticed a car swerving all over the road. He

stopped the car and asked the driver to get out of his car.

"Could you please blow into this breathalyzer." "I can't,"

replied the man, "I'm asthmatic."

"Could you please give me a urine sample then?" asked the

officer. "I can't do that. I'm diabetic." the man replied.

 

"In that case, can I have your blood sample?" asked the officer.

"I can't do that either, I'm a hemophiliac."

 

"That leaves one option." said the officer, "Could you please

walk along this yellow line." "I can't do that either." said the

man. "Why not?" asked the officer. "I'm drunk."

 

[Cygnus]

One day Little Johnny was on the school bus and he was sitting

right behind the bus driver and he was saying to himself, "If my

daddy was a lion and my mommy was a lion then I would be a baby

lion." He kept on talking to himself like this.

After 10 minutes of this, the bus driver had enough of it and

said, "What would happen if your daddy was a drunk and your

mommy was a whore?" Little Johnny replied, "Then I would be a

bus driver."

 

[sundog]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Sep 6 2005, 08:49 AM)

One day Little Johnny was on the school bus and he was sitting right behind the bus driver and he was saying to himself, "If my daddy was a lion and my mommy was a lion then I would be a baby lion." He kept on talking to himself like this. After 10 minutes of this, the bus driver had enough of it and said, "What would happen if your daddy was a drunk and your mommy was a whore?" Little Johnny replied, "Then I would be a bus driver."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sounds like they both need a time out!

[anagramking]

When Scientist's Invite Each Other to a Ball.............

 

Ampere was worried the invitation wasn't current.

 

Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

 

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

 

Darwin waited to see what evolved.

 

Descartes said he'd think about it.

 

Dr. Jekyll declined-he hadn't been feeling himself

lately.

 

Edison thought it would be illuminating.

 

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to

attend.

 

Gauss was asked to attend because of his

magnetic personality.

 

Hawking tried to string enough time together

to make space in his schedule.

 

Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.

 

Hertz said in the future he planned to attend

with greater frequency.

 

Mendel said he'd put some things together and

see what came out.

 

Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop

now, must dash."

 

Newton planned to drop in.

 

Ohm resisted the idea.

 

Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

 

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

 

Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

 

Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.

 

Volta was electrified, and Archemedes buoyant at

the thought.

 

Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off

steam.

 

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orwell

could get a flight.

 

And they invited some other notable people ...

 

Nobel said, "Wow, this is dynamite!"

 

Plato thought it would be a barrel of fun.

 

Tupper promised to bring a dish or two.

 

Euclid had other commitments but promised to find an angle to get out of them.

 

Archemedes screwed up and came late.

 

Mercator projected his arrival time to be 8PM

 

Alexander Bell said, "I'm glad you gave me a ring."

 

Braille said he'd see what he could do about being there.

 

Browning said, "Shoot, this ought to be fun."

 

Carrier said, "Cool, I'll be sure to attend."

 

Fahrenheit said, "Sounds like a hot party."

 

Eastman said, "This should be a Kodak moment."

 

Gutenberg wouldn't go unless he got a printed invitation.

 

Otis welcomed the opportunity to elevate his spirits.

 

Madame Walker thought the whole idea was kinky.

 

Tesla oscillated on whether he would attend.

 

Oppenheimer said he was expecting a blast.

 

 

[Test4VitalSigns]