The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Cygnus]

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

 

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

 

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."

 

Again the guy interrupts.

 

Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

 

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

 

The guy slumps, just crushed.

 

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

 

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

 

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

 

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

 

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just f**king with you, she's dead."

 

[Riv]

[Test4VitalSigns]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

 

Bartender: 'Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's ever had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.

 

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.

 

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, 'Wherez zat teeqeelah?' He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. 'Now' he says 'Where's that woman with the sore tooth?'

[Test4VitalSigns]

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell 'naughty' stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

 

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.' They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.' The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. 'Young ladies,' said the professor with a broad smile, 'the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon.'

[Cygnus]

How To Cure Gossip...

 

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup

 

parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

 

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home....and left it there all night.

 

Don't ya just love ol' George . . . . .

 

[sullysue]

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married.

 

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

 

HUSBAND WANTED!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

 

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray - haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

 

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?

Just look at you....you have no legs!"

 

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

 

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

 

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

 

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently.

 

"Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

 

[Slaine mac Roth]

QUOTE (sullysue @ Aug 24 2005, 03:54 PM)

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray - haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

 

good one that

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

Yeah, yeah, I know we have several picture threads, but darnit, this is MY joke thread!

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/toiletstolen.jpg

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/straightvsgay.jpg

 

Don't forget to read the fine print:

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/sharpedgedsign.jpg

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/diamondbillboard.jpg

[sullysue]

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

 

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

 

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans?

 

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot . You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

 

What do you do?

 

Democrat's Answer:

 

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all is so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

 

Republican's Answer:

 

BANG!

 

Southern Republican's Answer:

 

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

 

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points

[Alsgalpal]

Cygnus, your sig is killing me!!!

[madra sneachta]

http://www.engrish.com/image/engrish/spermmouse.jpg

[sundog]

Three ducks walked into a bar.

 

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender as ked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

 

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.

What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

 

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second

duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

 

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of

puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

 

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

 

"My name is Puddles."

 

[Sark]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Aug 23 2005, 04:30 AM)

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender: 'Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's ever had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her. Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, 'Wherez zat teeqeelah?' He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. 'Now' he says 'Where's that woman with the sore tooth?'

[Test4VitalSigns]

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

 

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

 

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

 

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

 

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

 

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

 

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

 

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

 

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

 

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

 

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

 

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

 

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

 

"Where did you learn that?"

 

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

[Test4VitalSigns]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road, when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

 

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf."

 

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

 

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

 

"My what big ears you have, Mr.Wolf."

 

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

 

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

 

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

 

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop"!

[Test4VitalSigns]

 

 

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

 

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

 

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

 

The barman replied, "Yes."

 

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

 

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

 

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

 

"Four cents," he replies.

 

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

 

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

 

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

 

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

 

 

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

[Test4VitalSigns]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

 

As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

 

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

 

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

 

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

 

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

 

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

 

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

 

"Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

 

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

 

"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

 

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

 

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

 

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Test4VitalSigns]

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

 

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

 

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

[Test4VitalSigns]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

 

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake."

 

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

 

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours! "

 

[Cygnus]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

 

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

 

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

 

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

 

[Modest Man From Mandrake]

A kid is flunking a public school, so his parents move him into a private school. All the sudden in the private school his grades skyrocket up to A's. Then one night at the dinner table his parents ask,"Why were you doing so bad in a public school, and when we switched you to a private school you did good?" The kid responds,"because I knew they were serious about school. The first day I walked in they had a guy nailed to a plus sign."

 

 

[Drumnut]

A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street.

He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. Minutes

drag on and no one steps out of the crowd. A policeman checks the

crowd and finally yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE!

Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish

man of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man,

"I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years

now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue , and

every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of

it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

 

The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the

man can get through to where the injured man lay. The old Jewish

man kneels down, leans over the prostrate man and says in a

solemn voice:

 

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72"

 

[daveyt]

 

[GeneticBlend]

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

 

The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math,

History, and Logic.

 

"What's logic?" the first redneck asks.

 

The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do."

 

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

 

"That's real good!" says the redneck.

 

The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

 

Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"

 

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

 

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

 

The redneck is obviously catching on.

 

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"

 

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

 

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.

 

"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.

 

"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.

 

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

 

"No," his friend replied.

 

"You's QUEER, ain't ya?"