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The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)


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Forgive me for not taking out the arrows. I am a bit lazy today. tongue.gif

 

 

 

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH

>>>>>>

>>>>>>

>>>>>> There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

>>>>>>

>>>>>> 1. He called everyone "brother."

>>>>>> 2. He liked Gospel.

>>>>>> 3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

>>>>>>

>>>>>> -------------------------------------------------------

>>>>>>

>>>>>> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was

>>>>>> Jewish:

>>>>>>

>>>>>> 1. He went into His Father's business.

>>>>>> 2. He lived at home until he was 33.

>>>>>> 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He

>>>>>> was God.

>>>>>>

>>>>>> -------------------------------------------------------

>>>>>>

>>>>>> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was

>>>>>> Italian:

>>>>>>

>>>>>> 1. He talked with his hands.

>>>>>> 2. He had wine with His meals.

>>>>>> 3. He used olive oil.

>>>>>>

>>>>>> -------------------------------------------------------

>>>>>>

>>>>>> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a

>>>>>> Californian:

>>>>>>

>>>>>> 1. He never cut his hair.

>>>>>> 2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

>>>>>> 3. He started a new religion.

>>>>>>

>>>>>> ------------------------------------------------------

>>>>>>

>>>>>> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an

>>>>>> American Indian:

>>>>>>

>>>>>> 1. He was one at peace with nature.

>>>>>> 2. He ate a lot of fish.

>>>>>> 3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

>>>>>>

>>>>>> -------------------------------------------------------

>>>>>>

>>>>>> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

>>>>>>

>>>>>> 1. He never got married.

>>>>>> 2. He was always telling stories.

>>>>>> 3. He loved green pastures.

>>>>>>

>>>>>> ---------------------------------------------------

>>>>>>

>>>>>> But the most compelling evidence of all -- 3 proofs that Jesus

>>>>>> was a woman:

>>>>>>

>>>>>> 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

>>>>>> 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who

>>>>>> just didn't get it.

>>>>>> 3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was

>>>>>> work to do.

 

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QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Jul 10 2005, 06:10 PM)
Forgive me for not taking out the arrows. I am a bit lazy today. tongue.gif



EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 1. He called everyone "brother."
>>>>>> 2. He liked Gospel.
>>>>>> 3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> -------------------------------------------------------
>>>>>>
>>>>>> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
>>>>>> Jewish:
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 1. He went into His Father's business.
>>>>>> 2. He lived at home until he was 33.
>>>>>> 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He
>>>>>> was God.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> -------------------------------------------------------
>>>>>>
>>>>>> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
>>>>>> Italian:
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 1. He talked with his hands.
>>>>>> 2. He had wine with His meals.
>>>>>> 3. He used olive oil.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> -------------------------------------------------------
>>>>>>
>>>>>> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
>>>>>> Californian:
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 1. He never cut his hair.
>>>>>> 2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
>>>>>> 3. He started a new religion.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ------------------------------------------------------
>>>>>>
>>>>>> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an
>>>>>> American Indian:
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 1. He was one at peace with nature.
>>>>>> 2. He ate a lot of fish.
>>>>>> 3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> -------------------------------------------------------
>>>>>>
>>>>>> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 1. He never got married.
>>>>>> 2. He was always telling stories.
>>>>>> 3. He loved green pastures.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ---------------------------------------------------
>>>>>>
>>>>>> But the most compelling evidence of all -- 3 proofs that Jesus
>>>>>> was a woman:
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
>>>>>> 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who
>>>>>> just didn't get it.
>>>>>> 3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was
>>>>>> work to do.

new_thumbsupsmileyanim.gif VERY good!

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One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

 

"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

 

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

 

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later."How is the problem work out with your

 

"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

 

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An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his Revenue Canada agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the Revenue Canada agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.

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QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Jul 12 2005, 05:20 PM)
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS ?
A: MELT THEM DOWN, MAKE A TIRE, AND CALL IT A GOODYEAR.

I've just told that one to my wife and I thought she was going to hit me

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QUOTE (Slaine mac Roth @ Jul 12 2005, 12:24 PM)
QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Jul 12 2005, 05:20 PM)
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS ?
A: MELT THEM DOWN, MAKE A TIRE, AND CALL IT A GOODYEAR.

I've just told that one to my wife and I thought she was going to hit me

ph34r.gif

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Apparently this a true story that happened to someone...

 

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.

Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.

They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.

He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants start to smell, or start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.

On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.

Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.

"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.

Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.

"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.

 

icon_really_happy_guy.gif

Edited by Test4VitalSigns
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QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Jul 12 2005, 07:31 PM)
Apparently this a true story that happened to someone...

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants start to smell, or start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.
Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.

icon_really_happy_guy.gif

ohmy.gif Holy Rice! ph34r.gif oops.gif doh.gif

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

icon_really_happy_guy.gif

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QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Jul 12 2005, 07:31 PM)
Apparently this a true story that happened to someone...

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants start to smell, or start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.
Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.

icon_really_happy_guy.gif

ohmy.gif I had a panic attack just reading that!!!! That would be absolutely horrid!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

z7shysterical.gif

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Here's a funny one... smile.gif

 

A guy fell asleep on the beach one day and got a really bad sunburn.

He went to the hospital and was admitted with 3rd degree burns.

The doctor checked him out, and told the nurse to hook up an IV, give him some pain killers, and 1 Viagara every four hours.

The nurse was not one to question the doctors orders, but she had to ask WHY the Viagra?

The doctor leaned over close to her and said "It'll help keep the sheets off his legs" laugh.gif

 

 

rofl3.gif

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What The Man in Blue Doesn't Want to Hear...

"Remember, I pay your salary."

 

"I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer."

 

"Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does."

 

"Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning."

 

"I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead."

 

"Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence."

 

"Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds."

 

"Sall right occifer... I only had tee martoonis!"

 

"Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this here 44 magnum."

 

"Hey, you must have been doing 115 to keep up with me, awesome job!"

 

"I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me."

 

"So tell me, are you on the take or what?"

 

"Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in."

 

"What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist."

 

"Dude! You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand."

 

"So, you're not going to check the trunk, are you?"

 

"You know, I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer."

 

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What's the dirtiest thing ever said on television?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night."

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I heard this on the radio last night & immediatley thought I had to psot for you all:

 

What's the difference between a hippopatamus & a wife?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One's got a big mouth & a fat ass, the other one lives in Africa.

 

(before I get all the hate mail, you know I love all you RUSH women biggrin.gif )

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QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Jul 14 2005, 06:46 PM)
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v300/test4vitalsigns/more%20gifs/bookmarks_1.jpg

ohmy.gif

 

 

laugh.gif

 

 

 

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A

very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars

($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 

 

 

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men. wink.gif

 

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