Test4VitalSigns Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Why Hockey is Better than Sex It's legal to earn money playing hockey Many people play hockey even after they're married The puck's always hard The protective equipment is reusable It lasts at least an hour A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon You always know how big the stick is You can clean your stick in public without anyone minding You can change players on the fly You don't have to be embarrassed if you don't get the puck up Everyone is finished when the buzzer sounds Your parents cheer when you score Periods last only 20 minutes You're sure to get it at least twice a week You can tell your friends about it afterwards Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Test4VitalSigns Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in traffic and thinks "wow, this traffic seems worse than usual, we're not even moving." He notices a police officer walking down the highwayin between the cars and he rolls down his window and says "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?" "O.J. just found out the verdict, he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have the $8.5 million for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." The man says "Oh really? How much have you got so far?" "So far?....Ten gallons." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Jun 23 2005, 10:53 AM) A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in traffic and thinks "wow, this traffic seems worse than usual, we're not even moving." He notices a police officer walking down the highwayin between the cars and he rolls down his window and says "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?" "O.J. just found out the verdict, he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have the $8.5 million for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." The man says "Oh really? How much have you got so far?" "So far?....Ten gallons." I'm dyin' I gotta go..... late for work!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Test4VitalSigns Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Test4VitalSigns Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sullysue Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Jun 23 2005, 11:08 AM) A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sullysue Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" *********************************** A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity." The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The preacher said, "No shit?" ******************************************** Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem." The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daggy Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Batman and Robin are out on an all day drinking session when between pubs they bump in to Superman. "Hi Superman," says Batman "Fancy joining us on a serious piss-up?" "No can do, just got to fly off and save the world." says Superman "But i'll be done in about half an hour - get me a pint in and i'll catch you up." With a single bound Superman flies off leaving the dynamic duo to go and get the beers in. A half hour soon passes with out a sign of the man of steel. Robin drinks his pint. After an hour Superman enters the pub looking somewhat upset. Batman is not pleased and demands to know what the delay is. Superman says "Well i'd just sorted Lex Luther out again and i was flying here at the speed of sound, when looking down at the Grand Canyon with my telescopic vision i see Wonderwoman lying on the ground completely naked with her legs up in the air!" "Holy Beaver!" exclaims the boy wonder "What did you do then?" "Well you know that i've always had the hots for her so i flew upto 20,000 feet got the old pork sword out and hitting about 500 miles per hour went right in there!" Batman is amazed "I bet that shocked her?" "Yeah but not as much as the Invisible Man!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Test4VitalSigns Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delilah Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 Knock knock... Who's there? Little boy bleu Little boy bleu who? Michael Jackson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladirushfan80 Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 state mottos..... Alabama Hell Yes, We Have Electricity. Alaska 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona But It's A Dry Heat. Arkansas Literacy Ain't Everything. California By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda. Colorado If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother. Connecticut Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet. Delaware! We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water. Florida Ask Us About Our Grandkids. Georgia We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism. Hawaii Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money) Idaho More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois Please, Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign. Maine We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster ! Maryland If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It Massachusetts Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's Michigan First Line Of Defense From The Canadians Minnesota 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi Come And Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else. Nebraska Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada Hookers and Poker! New Hampshire Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here! New Mexico Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... North Carolina Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma Like The Play, But No Singing Oregon Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania Cook With Coal Rhode Island We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet South Dakota Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee The Edyoocashun State Texas Se Hablo Ingles Utah Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont Ay, Yep Virginia Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington We have more rain than you do West Virginia One Big Happy Family...Really! Wisconsin Come Cut The Cheese! Wyoming Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slaine mac Roth Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Jun 25 2005, 11:10 AM) Wyoming Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared Hey, they nicked that one from New Zealand... ...who nicked it from Wales. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barney_rebel Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 Women are from Venus Men are from Mars.... gays are from Uranus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sullysue Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 (edited) QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Jun 25 2005, 06:10 AM) Texas Se Hablo Ingles Actually, it's No Hablo Inlges. Edited June 25, 2005 by sullysue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments? What would YOU do? Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now....what is the moral to this story? The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barney_rebel Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 What do you call a Canadian prostitute? A Canadian Mountee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sullysue Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 QUOTE (barney_rebel @ Jun 25 2005, 09:07 PM) What do you call a Canadian prostitute? A Canadian Mountee Damn!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barney_rebel Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Why did Lisa Marie Presley divorice Michael Jackson? When she asked if Michael wanted to have kids he had the wrong idea... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Test4VitalSigns Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladirushfan80 Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Jun 29 2005, 08:07 AM) Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i would DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! too freaking funny!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Test4VitalSigns Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sullysue Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Jun 29 2005, 09:17 AM) A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!" LMAO, Testy! And the one before this.... OMG! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Jun 29 2005, 09:17 AM) A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!" Good cover... do you think he bought it??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Test4VitalSigns Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 A little girl goes up to her father, who's working in the garage, and asks,"Can I take the dog for a walk?" "I'm not sure," he says."She's in heat." "What does that mean?" she asks. "Er, it means she needs a little gas, that's all."The father takes out a rag, pours some gasoline on it, and scrubs down the dog's backside."OK," he says. "Don't be gone long." The little girl and the dog run off, but 10 minutes later she returns alone. "Where's the dog?" her dad asks. "She ran out of gas a block ago," she answers."But don't worry. Another dog is pushing her home." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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