gleamingalloyaircar81 Posted October 4, 2008 Share Posted October 4, 2008 QUOTE (neil#2 @ Sep 8 2008, 04:56 PM) QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Sep 8 2008, 01:47 PM) A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tel Posted October 4, 2008 Share Posted October 4, 2008 whats red and invisible? no tomatoes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rolinda Bonz Posted October 4, 2008 Share Posted October 4, 2008 QUOTE (tel @ Oct 4 2008, 09:38 AM)whats red and invisible? no tomatoes! cute! http://usera.ImageCave.com/RolindaBonz/tomato.gif Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nettiesaur Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 A couple of Halloween jokes for you: What is a baby ghost's favorite color? Boo! What do ghosts like to wear under their sheets? Boo Jeans Why can't ghost have babies? Hollow weenies! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks. '$100,' she replies. In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?' 'No' she says. 'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.' 'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is. 'I pay you $300.' 'No', she says. 'I pay you $400.' 'No', she says. So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.' She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?''. So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?' The illegal immigrant replies 'You send bill to Government.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eguy Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 QUOTE (nettiesaur @ Oct 5 2008, 12:41 PM)A couple of Halloween jokes for you: What is a baby ghost's favorite color? Boo! What do ghosts like to wear under their sheets? Boo Jeans Why can't ghost have babies? Hollow weenies! One more: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iluvgeddy05 Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 QUOTE (nettiesaur @ Oct 5 2008, 12:41 PM) Why can't ghost have babies? Hollow weenies! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 :lamo: That was great! What do you get when you goose a ghost? A handful of sheet. What monster dances the best dance at a monster party? The boogie man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Oct 29 2008, 03:05 PM) :lamo: That was great! What do you get when you goose a ghost? A handful of sheet. What monster dances the best dance at a monster party? The boogie man. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Show Don't Tell Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 Some great stuff in this thread! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lerxster Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 Joe Torre has a brother named Vic. Vic is very short His nickname is 'One Little' Vic Torre. ---------------- What did The Snowdog say to By-Tor? Is that the sign of Eth rising or are you just happy to see me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilCastro Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 QUOTE (Lerxster @ Nov 9 2008, 10:48 AM) Joe Torre has a brother named Vic. Vic is very short His nickname is 'One Little' Vic Torre. good one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghost of a Rider Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 Small World A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Scotland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland." "Of Course", replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?" "Aberdeen", comes the reply. "I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen." "Of course", replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaye Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 OK, I just heard this one from my sister: What do you call someone who used to be interested in tractors? An ex-tractor fan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MULTIPLIED REACTION Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 Where do does go after X-mas? Out to blow a few bucks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nettiesaur Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 so, Rudolph the Red and Irene are in their garden in Russia, when Rudolph says,"Irene, you better take in the laundry, it's going to rain." Irene ignores him and continues to work, because there isn't a cloud in the sky. Now 20 minutes later, it starts to pour, and Irene has to go running to get the laundry off of the line. She asks Rudolph (when they get inside) how he knew it would rain when it wasn't even cloudy out. He says: Because Rudolph the Red knows Rain dear! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prince Sphinc-Tor Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 What's green and smells like Miss Piggy's butt? Kermits finger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riv Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 QUOTE (Prince Sphinc-Tor @ Dec 22 2008, 09:56 PM) What's green and smells like Miss Piggy's butt? Kermits finger. I don't remember anything about her butt... but what is to be expected from Prince Sphinc-Tor? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rolinda Bonz Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 QUOTE (nettiesaur @ Dec 21 2008, 03:16 PM) so, Rudolph the Red and Irene are in their garden in Russia, when Rudolph says,"Irene, you better take in the laundry, it's going to rain." Irene ignores him and continues to work, because there isn't a cloud in the sky. Now 20 minutes later, it starts to pour, and Irene has to go running to get the laundry off of the line. She asks Rudolph (when they get inside) how he knew it would rain when it wasn't even cloudy out. He says: Because Rudolph the Red knows Rain dear! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RockNRush Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. 'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.' 'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter. 'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.' 'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?' 'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rolinda Bonz Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 QUOTE (RockNRush @ Feb 26 2009, 12:55 PM) A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. 'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.' 'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter. 'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.' 'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?' 'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye nice visual! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rolinda Bonz Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.' Mujibar said, 'I am ready.' The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.' Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.' The manager said, 'Go ahead.' Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow' , this is Mujibar.' Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have. http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c167/RolindaBonz/mujibar.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rolinda Bonz Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . . . In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurr ed around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner. Still Having a Bad Day???? The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expens ively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. Still think you are having a Bad Day???? A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. Are Ya OK Now? - No? Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death. What?!? STILL having a Bad Day???? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good! There now, Feeling Better? Keep a smile in your heart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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