EveryNerveAware Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 QUOTE (-D-RocK- @ Feb 15 2008, 03:31 PM)Little Johnny was sitting in class when the teacher asked Now THAT'S funny!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EveryNerveAware Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 QUOTE (sundog @ Feb 15 2008, 06:01 PM) a dyslexic walks into a bra Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EveryNerveAware Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 Aquafina "I think it means.... the end of water as we know it!" - Lewis Black Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EveryNerveAware Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 Did you hear the one about the guy who got a herpe on his eye? He was looking for love in all the wrong places Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missionman Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 This thread always cheers me up Keep the jokes coming! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaye Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A Flat Minor. What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base? A Flat Major. Two snares and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ...ba-dum, tsschhh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nettiesaur Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 Where do cows and pigs go to dance? At the meatball!(Hey, you can tell your kids that one!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted February 18, 2008 Share Posted February 18, 2008 There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Church of Christ, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue . Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistry and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. The Church of Christ got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mystic Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 This is one of my favorites! Check it out....sick and twisted...but funny as F**k! Joe fish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mystic Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 this is another good one .....warning....NOT for the kids! dirty drawings Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lerxster Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 A tourist from Texas visited a pub in Ireland."Y'all brag about your drinking," he bellowed, "but I'll bet five hundred dollars that no one here can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back." One man got up and left, and the rest fell silent. A few minutes later the little man who left reappeared. "Is your bet still good, sir?" The Texan just chuckled and asked the bartender to line up ten pints of the thick, heavy brew. Without hesitation the local polished them off, one right after the other, to the wild cheers of the other patrons. True to his word, the Texan paid up. "You have to tell me one thing," he asked. "Where did you go a few minutes ago?" "Oh, I just slipped over to the pub next door, the winner explained, "just to make sure first that I could do it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladirushfan80 Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Hear about the lady who walked in to the druggist and asked for cyanide? Pharmacist asked if plain grocery store rat poison wouldn't work. "It's not for rats", replied the lady. "I want to kill my husband." The pharmacist about came unglued. "I can't sell you any" he said. "You'd go to prison for life, I would loose my license and probably my store." At that time the lady reached into her purse and withdrew a photograph of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. "DAMN", the pharmacist replied; "I didn't know you had a prescription!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" ( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! ) The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home." If you ain't laffin'... You ain't livin' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
workingcinderellaman Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Joke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Digital Man Posted March 19, 2008 Share Posted March 19, 2008 PECANS IN THE CEMETERY On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaye Posted March 19, 2008 Share Posted March 19, 2008 QUOTE (Digital Man @ Mar 19 2008, 08:09 PM)PECANS IN THE CEMETERY On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike. I love it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gleamingalloyaircar81 Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 QUOTE (Digital Man @ Mar 19 2008, 03:09 PM) PECANS IN THE CEMETERY On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godeater2112 Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 What becomes longer when pulled, Fits nicely between boobs, Inserts neatly in a hole And works best when jerked? A seatbelt, of course. Buckle up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rolinda Bonz Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 QUOTE (Godeater2112 @ Mar 20 2008, 09:53 AM) What becomes longer when pulled, Fits nicely between boobs, Inserts neatly in a hole And works best when jerked? A seatbelt, of course. Buckle up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rolinda Bonz Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy: "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Magnus Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Mar 22 2008, 10:12 AM) A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home. BWAHAHAHAHA... It's funny 'cause it's true... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iluvgeddy05 Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barney_rebel Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rolinda Bonz Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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