The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Moonraker]

http://images.somethingawful.com/mjolnir/images/cg09142004/Cloneborg.jpg

 

That damn Jar Jar is everywhere.

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

Thought about posting this in one of the hurricane threads, but we have so MANY of them, I just put it here.

 

Ten Reasons Why Hurricanes Are Like Christmas

 

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows)

9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)

8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores

7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"

6. Family coming to stay with you

5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling

4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities

3. Days off from work

2. Candles

And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas .. At some

point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

 

[Relaxed_Jack]

QUOTE (BSG @ Sep 15 2004, 01:29 PM)

Thought about posting this in one of the hurricane threads, but we have so MANY of them, I just put it here. Ten Reasons Why Hurricanes Are Like Christmas 10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows) 9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights) 8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores 7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials" 6. Family coming to stay with you 5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling 4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities 3. Days off from work 2. Candles And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas .. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

[Indica]

QUOTE (BSG @ Sep 15 2004, 12:29 PM)

Thought about posting this in one of the hurricane threads, but we have so MANY of them, I just put it here. Ten Reasons Why Hurricanes Are Like Christmas 10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows) 9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights) 8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores 7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials" 6. Family coming to stay with you 5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling 4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities 3. Days off from work 2. Candles And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas .. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/GIFs/cheer2.gif

[ladirushfan80]

this is titled "WHY WOMEN LIVE LONGER THEN MEN".....

maybe it should've been moved to the ladies forum....

but then again......

 

 

 

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v415/amandaladi/WHYWOMENLIVELONGERTHANMEN.jpg

[Relaxed_Jack]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Sep 16 2004, 07:01 AM)

this is titled "WHY WOMEN LIVE LONGER THEN MEN"..... maybe it should've been moved to the ladies forum.... but then again...... http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v415/amandaladi/WHYWOMENLIVELONGERTHANMEN.jpg

HEY HEY!! No bashing

 

....or we'll bring out the Blond Jokes!

[Moonraker]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Sep 16 2004, 03:01 AM)

this is titled "WHY WOMEN LIVE LONGER THEN MEN"..... maybe it should've been moved to the ladies forum.... but then again...... http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v415/amandaladi/WHYWOMENLIVELONGERTHANMEN.jpg

Case in point, not all men are that stoopid

 

But I agree, that guy needs to remove himself from the gene pool right quick.

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

QUOTE (Moonraker @ Sep 16 2004, 10:39 AM)

....that guy needs to remove himself from the gene pool right quick.

I believe that will be arranged real soon.

[Cygnus]

http://home2.pi.be/lindab2/images/newwhale.gif

 

Make you want to rethink the ban on whale hunting

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

Ways Women Turn Down Men (Sorry, guys. Some of these are funny.)

 

Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?

Woman: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

_______________________________

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

_______________________________

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

_______________________________

Man: Can I buy you a drink?

Woman: Actually I'd rather have the money.

_______________________________

Man: How did you get to be so beautiful?

Woman: I must have been given your share.

_______________________________

Man: Your face must turn a few heads.

Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

_______________________________

Man: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.

Woman: Okay, get out.

_______________________________

Man: I think I could make you very happy.

Woman: Why? Are you leaving?

_______________________________

Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?

Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

_______________________________

Man: Can I have your name?

Woman: Why? Don't you already have one?

_______________________________

Man: Shall we go see a movie?

Woman: I've already seen one.

_______________________________

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: Hiding from you.

_______________________________

 

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/bsg2112/casualfriday.gif

[Indica]

The Last Alimony Check

 

Today is my daughter's 18th birthday.......

 

I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment.

Month after month, year after year, those payments! So I

called my baby girl, Kareesha, to come over to my house, and when she

got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last

check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check

she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to come back

and tell me the expression that's on her face."

So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was really

anxious to hear what she had to say and what she looked like.

As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she

have to say?"

"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy... and

Watch the expression on your face."

Edited September 23, 2004 by Indica

[Riv]

QUOTE (Indica @ Sep 22 2004, 07:29 PM)

The Last Alimony Check Today is my daughter's 18th birthday....... I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those payments! So I called my baby girl, Kareesha, to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face." So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say and what she looked like. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?" "She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy... and Watch the expression on your face."

Sucka!

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

Female Drivers

 

Lest I be accused of being a sexist (LIKE I CARE!!!! ), I'll have you all know I got these from a female friend.

 

"Umm... ma'm? Excuse me! Did you wonder where the rattling noise and the sparks were coming from?"

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/woman12.jpg

 

"Ok! Now put it in Drive!"

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/woman23.jpg

 

"I don't care HOW MUCH you want to go on that 3-hour tour. That boat has already sailed!"

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/woman34.jpg

 

"Hey look! I wrote my initials in the pavement!"

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/womancop5.jpg

 

Well, she should be pretty well protected, anyways...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/womanmotorcycle6.jpg

 

The perils of the "Gas and Go" technique.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/tahoewoman1.jpg

[GhostGirl]

HA.

 

That was SO funny.

 

[RushRevisited]

LOL

 

I must say though, I don't get the one of the girl on the moped with the helmet

[GhostGirl]

QUOTE (RushRevisited @ Sep 24 2004, 03:45 PM)

LOL I must say though, I don't get the one of the girl on the moped with the helmet

Helmet's on bass ackwards, RR.

 

[RushRevisited]

QUOTE (GhostGirl @ Sep 24 2004, 04:46 PM)

QUOTE (RushRevisited @ Sep 24 2004, 03:45 PM) LOL I must say though, I don't get the one of the girl on the moped with the helmet Helmet's on bass ackwards, RR.

[Snowdog]

Good Ones, bsg!

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

When budget cuts run too deeply:

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/bsg2112/F-16.jpg

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

Hey married men! Some things in the animal kingdom are universal.

 

And I do ALL the hunting while you lounge around all day with your buddies and when's the last time you took the trash out to the road and just LOOK at yourself...

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/bsg2112/AnimalKingdom.jpg

Edited September 25, 2004 by BSG

[Snowdog]

An old farmer in Ohio had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look things over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit from the trees. As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

 

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted "We're not getting out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and said??

"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket he said..

 

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

MORAL: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time!!

 

[DonnaWanna]

REAL DR STORIES

 

A man comes into the ER and yells,

"My wife's going to

have her baby in the

cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

rushed out to the cab,

lifted the lady's --Dress,

and began to take off her

underwear. Suddenly I

noticed that there were

several cabs, and I was

in the wrong one.

 

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

 

At the beginning of my shift

I placed a stethoscope on

an elderly and

slightly deaf female patient's

anterior chest wall.

Big breaths," I

instructed. Yes, they used to be,"

remorsefully

replied the patient.

 

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

 

 

One day I had to be the bearer

of bad news when I told

a wife that her

husband had died of a massive

myocardial infarct. Not

more than five minutes

later, I heard her reporting

to the rest of the family

that he had died of a

"massive internal fart."

 

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

 

 

 

I was performing a complete physical,

including the

visual acuity test. I

placed the patient twenty

feet from the chart and

began, "Cover your right

eye with your hand." He read

the 20/20 line perfectly.

Now your left."

Again, a flawless read. Now both,"

I requested. There

was silence. He

couldn't even read the

large E on the top line. I

turned and discovered that

he had done exactly what

I had asked; he was standing

there with both his

eyes covered. I was laughing

too hard to finish the exam.

 

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

 

During a patient's two week

follow-up appointment with

his cardiologist, he

informed me, his doctor,

that he was having trouble

with one of his

medications. Which one?"

I asked. The patch. The nurse

told me to put on a

new one every six hours and

now I'm running out of

places to put it!" I had

him quickly undress and

discovered what I hoped I

wouldn't see. Yes, the man

had over fifty patches on his body! Now the

instructions include removal of

the old patch before applying a new one.

 

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

 

 

While acquainting myself with

a new elderly patient, I

asked, "How long have

you been bed-ridden?"

After a look of complete

confusion she answered ...

Why, not for about twenty years

-- when my husband was alive."

 

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

 

 

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,

So, how's your breakfast this morning?"

It's very good, except for the Kentucky

Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"

the patient replied. I then asked to see the

jelly and the woman produced a foil packet

labeled "KY Jelly."

 

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

 

And Finally . . . . .

 

A new, young MD doing his

residency in OB was quite

embarrassed performing

female pelvic exams. To cover

his embarrassment he had

unconsciously formed

a habit of whistling softly.

 

The middle aged lady upon whom

he was performing this

exam suddenly burst

out laughing and further

embarrassed him. He looked up

from his work and

sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.

Was I tickling you?"

 

She replied, "No doctor,

but the song you were

whistling was 'I wish I was

an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

 

--won't admit his name

 

[Singularity]

QUOTE (BSG @ Sep 24 2004, 09:09 PM)

Hey married men! Some things in the animal kingdom are universal. And I do ALL the hunting while you lounge around all day with your buddies and when's the last time you took the trash out to the road and just LOOK at yourself... http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/bsg2112/AnimalKingdom.jpg

Flippin' funny!

 

Maybe not being able to get married ain't so bad!

[Singularity]

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Sep 25 2004, 10:38 AM)

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada