The Dry Drunk

[chemistry1973]

Anyone dealing with this person in their lives currently?

 

I can tell you I am.

 

A good friend got sober last year, and things seem to have gotten worse for him - he's manic, experiencing giant mood swings, irrational behavior, delusions of grandeur, you name it.

Some typical signs of a dry drunk are:

• Acting self-important, either by “having all the answers,” or playing “poor me"
  
• Making harsh judgments of self and others
  
• Being impatient or impulsive
  
• Blaming others for one's own faults
  
• Being dishonest, usually beginning with little things
  
• Acting impulsively or selfishly
  
• Struggling to make decisions
  
• Having mood swings, trouble with expressing emotions, feeling unsatisfied
  
• Feeling detached, self-absorbed, bored, distracted, or disorganized
  
• Longing for the drinking life
  
• Fantasizing or daydreaming
  
• Backing away from or dropping out of a 12-step program
  

 

https://www.cigna.com/individuals-families/health-wellness/the-dry-drunk

 

 

How did you deal with this issue. Were you able to find help?

[Blue J]

I have dealt with people like that, and I have also been that person. I’ve been clean and sober for 22 years at this point, so I have a considerable amount of experience with all kinds of people in various different stages of sober/drunk/dry/high/clean.

 

In the text of Alcoholics Anonymous literature, they summarize the behavior/situation you’re referring to as being simply ‘restless, irritable and discontent’. Essentially, the drinking is merely a symptom of the larger issue of self-centered fear and resentment.

 

I am not trying to be preachy, here- I take all of this very seriously, for anyone who is suffering (which is the person who has quit drinking as well as the other people in his or her life, who are affected by it)...and I think the person you’re referring to has just removed alcohol from his life, and hasn’t filled that void with anything else- and therefore isn’t really equipped to deal with any other aspects of life. Where he used to use alcohol as a coping mechanism or whatever the case may be, that’s not there anymore.

 

I don’t want to keep going on and on here, but please feel free to send me a PM if you want to discuss it further.

Edited February 21, 2020 by Blue J

[chemistry1973]

I have dealt with people like that, and I have also been that person. I’ve been clean and sober for 22 years at this point, so I have a considerable amount of experience with all kinds of people in various different stages of sober/drunk/dry/high/clean.

 

In the text of Alcoholics Anonymous literature, they summarize the behavior/situation you’re referring to as being simply ‘restless, irritable and discontent’. Essentially, the drinking is merely a symptom of the larger issue of self-centered fear and resentment.

 

I am not trying to be preachy, here- I take all of this very seriously, for anyone who is suffering (which is the person who has quit drinking as well as the other people in his or her life, who are affected by it)...and I think the person you’re referring to has just removed alcohol from his life, and hasn’t filled that void with anything else- and therefore isn’t really equipped to deal with any other aspects of life. Where he used to use alcohol as a coping mechanism or whatever the case may be, that’s not there anymore.

 

I don’t want to keep going on and on here, but please feel free to send me a PM if you want to discuss it further.

 

Thank you Blue J - I really appreciate your response. And you've nailed it completely. The guy has his demons. Bad history with mom, a recent breakup with a fiance, and no changes to his lifestyle except for putting an end to drinking (which he deserves a great deal of credit for).

 

The dude smokes A LOT of weed, and I think that might be making these issues worse.

Edited February 21, 2020 by chemistry1973

[Blue J]

Yes- continuing to self-medicate with anything, really, will hinder him from getting to the heart of the issue, and learning how to deal with life, on life’s terms.

 

I would have to know more about how far down the rabbit hole he has gone with drink and drug, I guess, to know how serious it is, what he needs to address. But he can definitely get there.

Edited February 21, 2020 by Blue J

[chemistry1973]

Yes- continuing to self-medicate with anything, really, will hinder him from getting to the heart of the issue, and learning how to deal with life, on life’s terms.

 

I would have to know more about how far down the rabbit hole he has gone with drink and drug, I guess, to know how serious it is, what he needs to address. But he can definitely get there.

 

Really it's been copious amounts of drinking and weed smoking. Kind of a controlled drunk though - not drinking all the time, but when allowed to, like at a work or casual event, it's blackout time.

 

The medication with weed is multiple times a day.

 

Irony being that he seemed happier when he wasn't sober - in his day to day life. But of course he was blissfully ignorant to what he was doing to others. Now he seems like person besieged by demons.

[Mara]

Yes- continuing to self-medicate with anything, really, will hinder him from getting to the heart of the issue, and learning how to deal with life, on life’s terms.

 

I would have to know more about how far down the rabbit hole he has gone with drink and drug, I guess, to know how serious it is, what he needs to address. But he can definitely get there.

 

Agree here; your friend has replaced one mind-altering substance with another. (I'm approaching four years' sobriety myself after a rapid descent into full blown alcoholism brought on by an inability to cope with anxiety and depression).

 

For a lot of people, I dare say the majority, early sobriety sucks copious quantities of ass. But it gets easier....if you let it.

 

You do know there's not much you can do except be there to support your friend; the decision has to be his.

[Blue J]

Yes- continuing to self-medicate with anything, really, will hinder him from getting to the heart of the issue, and learning how to deal with life, on life’s terms.

 

I would have to know more about how far down the rabbit hole he has gone with drink and drug, I guess, to know how serious it is, what he needs to address. But he can definitely get there.

 

Agree here; your friend has replaced one mind-altering substance with another. (I'm approaching four years' sobriety myself after a rapid descent into full blown alcoholism brought on by an inability to cope with anxiety and depression).

 

For a lot of people, I dare say the majority, early sobriety sucks copious quantities of ass. But it gets easier....if you let it.

 

You do know there's not much you can do except be there to support your friend; the decision has to be his.

 

I didn’t know about that, Mara, congratulations- good on you for all that you’ve done.

 

And yes, it’s true, it does get better. My experience early in sobriety was that sometimes it gets even worse, before it gets better. But it does get better. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it saved my life, literally.

 

I am exceedingly happy that neither one of my sons has ever seen me drunk, and that they have no idea what I was like, back then.

Edited February 21, 2020 by Blue J

[Mara]

Yes- continuing to self-medicate with anything, really, will hinder him from getting to the heart of the issue, and learning how to deal with life, on life’s terms.

 

I would have to know more about how far down the rabbit hole he has gone with drink and drug, I guess, to know how serious it is, what he needs to address. But he can definitely get there.

 

Agree here; your friend has replaced one mind-altering substance with another. (I'm approaching four years' sobriety myself after a rapid descent into full blown alcoholism brought on by an inability to cope with anxiety and depression).

 

For a lot of people, I dare say the majority, early sobriety sucks copious quantities of ass. But it gets easier....if you let it.

 

You do know there's not much you can do except be there to support your friend; the decision has to be his.

 

I didn’t know about that, Mara, congratulations- good on you for all that you’ve done.

 

And yes, it’s true, it does get better. My experience early in sobriety was that sometimes it gets even worse, before it gets better. But it does get better. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it saved my life, literally.

 

I am exceedingly happy that neither one of my sons has ever seen me drunk, and that they have no idea what I was like, back then.

 

Congratulations yourself!

 

My active period of alcoholism only lasted about 9 months total. But I have a tendency to go all in on everything and so it was with booze. In no time at all I was hiding bottles, changing stores where I bought wine....all the classic markers. And I KNEW I was an alcoholic and had no problem admitting it to myself or anyone else. I just couldn't stop. The end of that 9 month period came when I checked myself into the loony zoo for what turned out to be a 5 day stay. I haven't wanted to drink since.

 

I am most grateful that the brakes were applied before I had a chance to do any real, lasting damage to myself or anyone else. No DUIs, never missed work due to a hangover (or drank on the job), wasn't skipping out on paying bills. Mainly what I had to make amends for was scaring the everloving hell out of my family and friends.

[Tombstone Mountain]

I have dealt with people like that, and I have also been that person. I’ve been clean and sober for 22 years at this point, so I have a considerable amount of experience with all kinds of people in various different stages of sober/drunk/dry/high/clean.

 

In the text of Alcoholics Anonymous literature, they summarize the behavior/situation you’re referring to as being simply ‘restless, irritable and discontent’. Essentially, the drinking is merely a symptom of the larger issue of self-centered fear and resentment.

 

I am not trying to be preachy, here- I take all of this very seriously, for anyone who is suffering (which is the person who has quit drinking as well as the other people in his or her life, who are affected by it)...and I think the person you’re referring to has just removed alcohol from his life, and hasn’t filled that void with anything else- and therefore isn’t really equipped to deal with any other aspects of life. Where he used to use alcohol as a coping mechanism or whatever the case may be, that’s not there anymore.

 

I don’t want to keep going on and on here, but please feel free to send me a PM if you want to discuss it further.

Preach it Brother!

 

Excellent stuff. Truth is, there are great coping mechanisms available all around: Plant a garden. Get a goldfish. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Hike. Read a book. Bake cookies. Spend time at a museum...the list could go on forever.

 

Kudos to you Blue J! You know my story, and I've been edified sharing my struggles with you as the former partner of an alcoholic. Proud of you dude!

[Blue J]

Yes- continuing to self-medicate with anything, really, will hinder him from getting to the heart of the issue, and learning how to deal with life, on life’s terms.

 

I would have to know more about how far down the rabbit hole he has gone with drink and drug, I guess, to know how serious it is, what he needs to address. But he can definitely get there.

 

Agree here; your friend has replaced one mind-altering substance with another. (I'm approaching four years' sobriety myself after a rapid descent into full blown alcoholism brought on by an inability to cope with anxiety and depression).

 

For a lot of people, I dare say the majority, early sobriety sucks copious quantities of ass. But it gets easier....if you let it.

 

You do know there's not much you can do except be there to support your friend; the decision has to be his.

 

I didn’t know about that, Mara, congratulations- good on you for all that you’ve done.

 

And yes, it’s true, it does get better. My experience early in sobriety was that sometimes it gets even worse, before it gets better. But it does get better. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it saved my life, literally.

 

I am exceedingly happy that neither one of my sons has ever seen me drunk, and that they have no idea what I was like, back then.

 

Congratulations yourself!

 

My active period of alcoholism only lasted about 9 months total. But I have a tendency to go all in on everything and so it was with booze. In no time at all I was hiding bottles, changing stores where I bought wine....all the classic markers. And I KNEW I was an alcoholic and had no problem admitting it to myself or anyone else. I just couldn't stop. The end of that 9 month period came when I checked myself into the loony zoo for what turned out to be a 5 day stay. I haven't wanted to drink since.

 

I am most grateful that the brakes were applied before I had a chance to do any real, lasting damage to myself or anyone else. No DUIs, never missed work due to a hangover (or drank on the job), wasn't skipping out on paying bills. Mainly what I had to make amends for was scaring the everloving hell out of my family and friends.

 

Yes, it sounds like you were able to put a stop to all that behavior in relatively short shrift, which is awesome. I actually quit drinking for the first time when I was 15 (I had started drinking in earnest when I was twelve), and picked back up again when I was 20 or so...by 24, I had ruined every good relationship I had, with family and friends, and my health was in pretty significant trouble- I was 118 lbs, at 6’1” (and there are sicker details than that, that I won’t go into).

 

I started a ‘sober thread’ in the Open Secrets subforum, and not sure how much detail I’ve posted in there over the years. But anyway, the point now is where we’ve been, and where we are- and what it took to get there.

[Blue J]

I have dealt with people like that, and I have also been that person. I’ve been clean and sober for 22 years at this point, so I have a considerable amount of experience with all kinds of people in various different stages of sober/drunk/dry/high/clean.

 

In the text of Alcoholics Anonymous literature, they summarize the behavior/situation you’re referring to as being simply ‘restless, irritable and discontent’. Essentially, the drinking is merely a symptom of the larger issue of self-centered fear and resentment.

 

I am not trying to be preachy, here- I take all of this very seriously, for anyone who is suffering (which is the person who has quit drinking as well as the other people in his or her life, who are affected by it)...and I think the person you’re referring to has just removed alcohol from his life, and hasn’t filled that void with anything else- and therefore isn’t really equipped to deal with any other aspects of life. Where he used to use alcohol as a coping mechanism or whatever the case may be, that’s not there anymore.

 

I don’t want to keep going on and on here, but please feel free to send me a PM if you want to discuss it further.

Preach it Brother!

 

Excellent stuff. Truth is, there are great coping mechanisms available all around: Plant a garden. Get a goldfish. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Hike. Read a book. Bake cookies. Spend time at a museum...the list could go on forever.

 

Kudos to you Blue J! You know my story, and I've been edified sharing my struggles with you as the former partner of an alcoholic. Proud of you dude!

 

TM! You know it, my brother, and thank you. And that’s all good advice- once we get to the point where we’re not thinking about drinking, about how we’re going to get the next fix...it actually put me back in touch with a lot of things that I had totally forgotten I enjoyed. Much healthier things.

 

And I have been honored to hear your story too, and I’m glad that you (and your boys, in particular), are in a so much better place after all that. So happy for you!

Edited February 22, 2020 by Blue J