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Red flags in hindsight


waltwhite
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In the summer of last year, on the 4th year anniversary of when I last saw Rush on the R40 stop in Philly, after reminiscing on my memories that day, I went to Neil’s site on a whim. I hadn’t been listening to as much Rush the past couple years, though I’d been slowly making my way through a couple of Neil’s books. I remembered binging his blogs and book reviews on his site back in about 2014-2015 and, in the absence of any new content from the Rush guys, thought “hey, Neil has probably been writing on his site this whole time. Maybe he’s even got a new book coming out.” I was...not shocked...but surprised that he seemed to not have any entries on the site since about mid-2016. It seemed off, especially for a guy who always checked in pretty regularly (We know now that his battle with cancer started 3.5 years ago, roughly mid 2016 when the posts stopped). 2016 was also the year of his last book chronicling the R40 tour, but 3 years had passed. Even if he was a retired author as well as a retired drummer, surely he’d pop in and write a little something on there? I remember not quite being concerned, but definitely curious. Him being sick never came to mind. I had seen a photo of him from early 2018 where he had become one of a few people to visit all of the islands of a particular island chain or something. And he looked normal and healthy. Today I saw a photo from October 2018 where he looked noticeably gaunt. If i had dug deeper into Neil’s absence that day last year and discovered that photo then, I definitely would have been worried. Instead, I explained it off that he was retired in the full sense of the word, and was a full time father and husband, with the book writing and drumming left behind. Between that day and the news of his passing, I’d get the usual recurring, “hmm I wonder what the Rush guys are up to?” thought. I’d picture Geddy and Alex working on a secret music project, and I’d picture Neil content with life, teaching his daughter to appreciate the finer things and drinking wine with his wife. I like to think that despite the cancer, he made the most of life as much as he could throughout his 3.5 year battle.

 

This still doesn’t seem real. I haven’t posted on here since R40 ended, but I felt the need to come back and mourn with fellow fans. Honestly, when I’d learned Neil was retired in late 2015, it felt like the death of a friend. It was hard to listen to Rush knowing there were no more shows to look forward to. They’d been a big part of my life for 10 years at the time (was only 22 when R40 happened) so it was like the end of an era. Now this *actually* feels like the death of a friend, but strangely I’m not finding it painful to listen to Rush, as I’ve been doing a lot the past few days. Sure, it’s emotional, but I also find myself falling in love with the band, and especially Neil’s lyrics, all over again. RIP Professor.

Edited by waltwhite
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He looked noticeably thin to me even in that "island" picture. Not as gaunt as the one from October for sure, but I could tell he had lost all kinds of weight. If I would have seen that "island" picture at the time, my mind would have had questions.
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Yes, like you I figured the silence was him just retiring and wanting to live a quiet life with his family. Much like many other people do once they retire. The thought of him being sick never crossed my mind because I could not have imagined how news like that would be kept so quiet with how fast information travels today. But his Inner circle was able to keep a lid on it for a long time which is really amazing to think about.
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There’s a thread, I think the one about there being no leaks of his sickness, where the OP mentions a guy purchasing some Rush artwork at a Hugh Syme event at an art gallery/store and getting to quickly FaceTime with Neil. I tracked down the Facebook post he was referring to, and sure enough there’s a guy commenting on the art gallery’s page in Nov. 2019 thanking Hugh for letting him video chat with Neil. Posted a pic of the artwork he bought too so it’d be an odd thing to make up. I’m wondering how Neil was looking and feeling then.
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Yes, like you I figured the silence was him just retiring and wanting to live a quiet life with his family. Much like many other people do once they retire. The thought of him being sick never crossed my mind because I could not have imagined how news like that would be kept so quiet with how fast information travels today. But his Inner circle was able to keep a lid on it for a long time which is really amazing to think about.

 

Yup. But even then I should have thought it was weird that he continued to post for about 8 months after the tour, and then nothing at all for 3+ years. This whole thing is so crazy. Him getting diagnosed with aggressive brain cancer so soon after entering his well earned retirement is a real cruel twist of fate.

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http://www.rush.com/?s=brain+cancer

 

Purely in hindsight, but this charity being chosen turned out to be for a very personal reason. Little did we know :(

 

 

Not to mention, what are the odds of two of the most accomplished and beloved musicians in Canadian history succumbing to brain cancer in a relatively short timeframe? Surreal.

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Yes, like you I figured the silence was him just retiring and wanting to live a quiet life with his family. Much like many other people do once they retire. The thought of him being sick never crossed my mind because I could not have imagined how news like that would be kept so quiet with how fast information travels today. But his Inner circle was able to keep a lid on it for a long time which is really amazing to think about.

 

Yup. But even then I should have thought it was weird that he continued to post for about 8 months after the tour, and then nothing at all for 3+ years. This whole thing is so crazy. Him getting diagnosed with aggressive brain cancer so soon after entering his well earned retirement is a real cruel twist of fate.

 

This what breaks my heart with all this. That Mr Peart made it very clear at the end, while touring, he wanted to be with his family. But being the perfectionist professional we have come to know him as, he fully committed to work. Till enough was enough. I like you folks thought it strange there were no more books or internet entries. I just came away with; no news is good news, he's getting on with family life..Making up for lost time. Fantastic! Don't like to use words like 'unfair' and 'cruel' but he fully deserved his retirement with his family. To just be left this short time with his young daughter after playing so long, added to his previous family trauma, is unfair and cruel. To not see her graduate etc.... I remember long ago Peart talking with such pride of the bird house he made with his daughter.....it's so unfair. I sincerely hope they are all ok.

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Your comment about visiting Neils website hits home with me.

 

I found out about Neil from my wife calling me after I left work on my way to meet some friends for happy hour. Just prior, probably within an hour of Neil's website being updated with the photo, I had visited the site...because I hadn't in probably at least a year, and hadn't heard anything here or anywhere about what he might have said, published, done,...etc. Also, I had visited here (I admit I haven't as much since the band retired), and the Rush.com website as well. There was something compelling me to seek an update on my favorite band...or at least the retired members thereof.

 

And there was more. Also in the waning hour of my Friday workday, I had to call the customer service line for a subscription I have and the guy asked me for my email address. It contains YYZ, and he immediately asked if I was a Rush fan. Of course, and so was he. We had a nice chat unrelated to why I had called before getting on with that business. :) Having someone pick up on my Rush references does happen, but it's not all that common...as many of us I'm sure can both lament and wryly be proud of.

 

But wait, there's more (just pay additional handling charge). My son has a Hemisphere's concert poster in his room that I gave him several years ago, hanging proudly. The top had come loose and I noticed recently it had fallen, hanging only by the bottom two corners, white backgound blaring the silent blasphemy of no more music (I can hear that poster whenever I look at it). I can't say for sure, but I think I noticed it on Tuesday :( He had it back up by Friday night...I shall keep him around a bit longer, I think. :)

 

I've been rather angry since hearing of Neil's passing at the unfairness and have had that expected dismissal about there being any 'god' or 'universe' or 'power' that sets the wheels in motion. And I do wonder if Neil, or anyone's soul, or essence is still among us, or if my experiences above are mere coincidence. Neil helped me to think that way, dammit all to nonexistent hell...

Edited by Alph Seeker
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I had not been on here much in recent years, and at one point in the last year I went to Neils site expecting something recent, but found nothing. For a split second, I thought that was odd, but it was a fleeting thought. Enjoying retirement I concluded.

 

And, the kicker (I think someone else here, or maybe on FB, cant remember, posted the same thing which is eerie) is last Tuesday Im listening to Sirius in my car on my way to a client. New World Man comes on. For a few seconds, the thought popped in my head..."I wonder when and how one of the boys will end up passing away". Tuesday. Tues-a-freakin-day. Again, fleeting and it was just as I was pulling up so my focus changed quickly. So eerie to think that the day he passed.

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Just finished reading Far and Wide. Parts are difficult to get through, especially descriptions throughout of time spent with his daughter.

 

A potential hindsight red flag that he mentions a few times was during the tour when the physical and mental grind got too much he experienced what he described as a "yarmulke of pain" under the crown of his skull....

 

Also, choosing to title the epilogue of the book "The Garden" and then quoting extensively from the album notes introduction and the song lyrics it was pretty clear to me, in hindsight, that it was his final goodbye.

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And, the kicker (I think someone else here, or maybe on FB, cant remember, posted the same thing which is eerie) is last Tuesday Im listening to Sirius in my car on my way to a client. New World Man comes on. For a few seconds, the thought popped in my head..."I wonder when and how one of the boys will end up passing away". Tuesday. Tues-a-freakin-day. Again, fleeting and it was just as I was pulling up so my focus changed quickly. So eerie to think that the day he passed.

 

Yeah I had a similar thought too last week reading through Wandering The Face....

 

Probably a weird coincidence but it wouldn't be the first time something like that has happened to me.

 

We are foolish to believe we understand how everything works...

 

 

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A potential hindsight red flag that he mentions a few times was during the tour when the physical and mental grind got too much he experienced what he described as a "yarmulke of pain" under the crown of his skull....

 

:( Didn't know that as I've not read the book but it seems very much like a red flag in hindsight.

 

I alluded to it elsewhere, but as bummed as I was that the R40 tour was as short as it was and didn't come to Europe, thank goodness it was. Mainly because he got to experience more quality time with family prior to diagnosis. But also if the tour ended up being cancelled due to Neil's health, what a terrible end to the band it would have been. Plus his suffering would have become the very public circus he wanted to avoid.

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http://www.rush.com/?s=brain+cancer

 

Purely in hindsight, but this charity being chosen turned out to be for a very personal reason. Little did we know :(

 

 

Not to mention, what are the odds of two of the most accomplished and beloved musicians in Canadian history succumbing to brain cancer in a relatively short timeframe? Surreal.

 

Tangential but also surreal: in 2005 glioblastoma also claimed the life of Robert Moog, he of the Moog synthesizer that revolutionized electronic music. Signals, Power Windows, and of course Neil's trademark solos owe much to Mr. Moog.

Edited by Mara
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http://www.rush.com/?s=brain+cancer

 

Purely in hindsight, but this charity being chosen turned out to be for a very personal reason. Little did we know :(

 

 

Not to mention, what are the odds of two of the most accomplished and beloved musicians in Canadian history succumbing to brain cancer in a relatively short timeframe? Surreal.

 

Tangential but also surreal: in 2005 glioblastoma also claimed the life of Robert Moog, he of the Moog synthesizer that revolutionized electronic music. Signals, Power Windows, and of course Neil's trademark solos owe much to Mr. Moog.

 

Buddy Rich died from it too.

 

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I remember reading about Buddy telling a friend if he could just reach inside his head and pull out the tumour he would do it. He was a tough guy but in tears as he said it. So cruel.
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And, the kicker (I think someone else here, or maybe on FB, cant remember, posted the same thing which is eerie) is last Tuesday Im listening to Sirius in my car on my way to a client. New World Man comes on. For a few seconds, the thought popped in my head..."I wonder when and how one of the boys will end up passing away". Tuesday. Tues-a-freakin-day. Again, fleeting and it was just as I was pulling up so my focus changed quickly. So eerie to think that the day he passed.

 

Yeah I had a similar thought too last week reading through Wandering The Face....

 

Probably a weird coincidence but it wouldn't be the first time something like that has happened to me.

 

We are foolish to believe we understand how everything works...

 

Same here. Happened many times and Im sure its just a coincidence but still..."sometimes catch a window..."

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A potential hindsight red flag that he mentions a few times was during the tour when the physical and mental grind got too much he experienced what he described as a "yarmulke of pain" under the crown of his skull....

 

:( Didn't know that as I've not read the book but it seems very much like a red flag in hindsight.

 

I alluded to it elsewhere, but as bummed as I was that the R40 tour was as short as it was and didn't come to Europe, thank goodness it was. Mainly because he got to experience more quality time with family prior to diagnosis. But also if the tour ended up being cancelled due to Neil's health, what a terrible end to the band it would have been. Plus his suffering would have become the very public circus he wanted to avoid.

 

So true.

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http://www.rush.com/?s=brain+cancer

 

Purely in hindsight, but this charity being chosen turned out to be for a very personal reason. Little did we know :(

 

 

Not to mention, what are the odds of two of the most accomplished and beloved musicians in Canadian history succumbing to brain cancer in a relatively short timeframe? Surreal.

 

Tangential but also surreal: in 2005 glioblastoma also claimed the life of Robert Moog, he of the Moog synthesizer that revolutionized electronic music. Signals, Power Windows, and of course Neil's trademark solos owe much to Mr. Moog.

 

Buddy Rich died from it too.

 

Oh, god...I didn’t know that.

 

:(

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I remember reading about Buddy telling a friend if he could just reach inside his head and pull out the tumour he would do it. He was a tough guy but in tears as he said it. So cruel.

 

:( :(

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All this still seems surreal... I'm still sad, and I never even met the man.

 

After reading Donna Halper's blog, it's simply tragic that he apparently became ill soon after the tour finished. Clearly his circle was incredibly loyal and supportive the whole time.

 

Were there red flags? Yes, I do think there were. It's not that he decided to retire, it's that there was almost a total 180 - no posts about anything. No posts about a different adventure, a different car, a great book... Then were almost zero pics from his friends over years. Awhile back I recall a meme from Westside Beemer Boyz that after I reread it had to have deep meaning to him/them. That essentially so much is beyond our control as we're only human; at the bottom was "Between Us" with the Rush starman logo. There were also 2 or 3 photos from friends that were changed to black and white. I hate to say this, but maybe his complexion was poor from treatment. It's just awful to think about. Glioblastoma can often present in nebulous and nonspecific ways early on, so it's certainly possible he could have been feeling "off" awhile before his diagnosis. Of course I am only speculating. I know there was a ton of demand for more shows on R40, so it did strike me as different if not unusual the way it wrapped up. But they're Rush and they make their own rules; Neil was in his 60s and lived an incredibly full and adventurous life.

 

There were red flags, but they were incredibly subtle. I am so glad we had the band as long as we did.

 

Farewell Professor. Your work meant so much to me.

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All this still seems surreal... I'm still sad, and I never even met the man.

 

After reading Donna Halper's blog, it's simply tragic that he apparently became ill soon after the tour finished. Clearly his circle was incredibly loyal and supportive the whole time.

 

Were there red flags? Yes, I do think there were. It's not that he decided to retire, it's that there was almost a total 180 - no posts about anything. No posts about a different adventure, a different car, a great book... Then were almost zero pics from his friends over years. Awhile back I recall a meme from Westside Beemer Boyz that after I reread it had to have deep meaning to him/them. That essentially so much is beyond our control as we're only human; at the bottom was "Between Us" with the Rush starman logo. There were also 2 or 3 photos from friends that were changed to black and white. I hate to say this, but maybe his complexion was poor from treatment. It's just awful to think about. Glioblastoma can often present in nebulous and nonspecific ways early on, so it's certainly possible he could have been feeling "off" awhile before his diagnosis. Of course I am only speculating. I know there was a ton of demand for more shows on R40, so it did strike me as different if not unusual the way it wrapped up. But they're Rush and they make their own rules; Neil was in his 60s and lived an incredibly full and adventurous life.

 

There were red flags, but they were incredibly subtle. I am so glad we had the band as long as we did.

 

Farewell Professor. Your work meant so much to me.

 

My wife and I have discussed this and I think I agree with that assessment.

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Yes, like you I figured the silence was him just retiring and wanting to live a quiet life with his family. Much like many other people do once they retire. The thought of him being sick never crossed my mind because I could not have imagined how news like that would be kept so quiet with how fast information travels today. But his Inner circle was able to keep a lid on it for a long time which is really amazing to think about.

 

Yup. But even then I should have thought it was weird that he continued to post for about 8 months after the tour, and then nothing at all for 3+ years. This whole thing is so crazy. Him getting diagnosed with aggressive brain cancer so soon after entering his well earned retirement is a real cruel twist of fate.

 

I share your sediment. He works his butt off for years and builds what was probably a pretty comfortable life then goes through a terrible disease that starts pretty much at the same time he retires. It’s just so sad.

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