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Tell A Dumb Joke


Principled Man
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My wife kept bugging me about what would happen if she died. She wanted to know if I would remarry.

 

Finally, after a week long assault on this question, I caved: "Yes, I probably would."

 

I braced for it:

 

"Would you sell the house?"

 

"No, I wouldn't sell the house."

 

"Would you replace our bed?"

 

"No, probably not"

 

"Well, would you let her use my golf clubs too?"

 

I said, "No way, she's left hand...no, wait...."

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A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 beers.

 

The bartender questions him to make sure he heard correctly and the guy confirms he wants 12 beers.

 

The bartender sets them on the bar, thinking the guy is a little off and the patron starts chugging them, one after another.

 

Between beer 4 and 5, the bartender asks, "why are you drinking those so fast?"

 

The guy replies, "if you had what I do, you'd drink fast too."

 

Now the bartender kind of feels bad and asks, "what do you have?"

 

The guy says, "seventy five cents."

Edited by Fordgalaxy
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Stanley Eisen (aka: Paul Stanley) has COVID-19. The KISS tour has been halted.

 

-- Was he vaccinated?

 

If he was, it was probably against VD.

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Stanley Eisen (aka: Paul Stanley) has COVID-19. The KISS tour has been halted.

 

-- Was he vaccinated?

 

If he was, it was probably against VD.

Very funny :lol:

Edited by driventotheedge
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Justice is best served cold.

 

 

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

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I would tell you a story about when a friend of mine and I went camping, but it was too intense.

 

Camping is indeed the most stressful pastime. Everyone is in tents.

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I keep enrolling in class after class in Egyptology, and I'm getting straight A's, but I'm not getting any closer to a PhD.

 

 

I fear that it's all just a pyramid scheme.

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Englishman Irishman, and American man are walking along a beach where they see a Mermaid. English man asks " have you ever been kissed?" " No" replies the mermaid.

 

American guy asked " have you been touched?" 'NO!" replied the mermaid, then touching her.

 

Irishman then asked " have you been Fooooked?" No replied the mermaid " well' replied the Irishman "THE TIDE HAS GONE OUT"

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A friend of mine was at the McDonald's drive thru. The lady behind him honks because he’s taking too long to order. He pulls to the first window, pays for his meal and hers.

 

When the lady gets to the first window she leans out and apologizes to my buddy and thanks him for paying for her meal.

 

My buddy gets to the second window, shows both receipts, and takes his meal AND hers!

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A man and his wife are in marriage counseling. After talking to each person separately, the counselor decides to bring them back together.

 

The counselor asks the husband: "She says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?"

 

The husband answers: "To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers."

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Fifty-one years ago, the U.S. Army drafted Herman James, a mountain man from North Carolina.

 

On the first day of basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, the Army barber shaved off all his hair.

 

On the second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon, the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

 

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

 

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

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Two hillbillies were sipping shine on their front porch, when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

 

"I'm-a gonna do that when I win that there lottery," said Hillbilly #1.

 

"Do wut?" said Hillbilly #2.

 

"Send my lawn out to git mowed."

Edited by Rush Cocky
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1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

 

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

 

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

 

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

 

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

 

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

 

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

 

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

 

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

 

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

 

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

 

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

 

13. I run like the winded.

 

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

 

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

 

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

 

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

 

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

 

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

 

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

 

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

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Suffering from insomnia? Just have people tell you uninteresting stuff right before bedtime.

 

That's when you say, "I'll sleep better tonight knowing that."

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