condemned2bfree Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 One cow asks his fellow cow, 'what about that mad cow disease, aren't you concerned?' Cow replies 'doesn't bother me I'm a duck'. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted July 14, 2021 Author Share Posted July 14, 2021 My wife kept bugging me about what would happen if she died. She wanted to know if I would remarry. Finally, after a week long assault on this question, I caved: "Yes, I probably would." I braced for it: "Would you sell the house?" "No, I wouldn't sell the house." "Would you replace our bed?" "No, probably not" "Well, would you let her use my golf clubs too?" I said, "No way, she's left hand...no, wait...." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
driventotheedge Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicken hawk Posted August 21, 2021 Share Posted August 21, 2021 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weakly Criminal Posted August 24, 2021 Share Posted August 24, 2021 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fordgalaxy Posted August 24, 2021 Share Posted August 24, 2021 (edited) A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 beers. The bartender questions him to make sure he heard correctly and the guy confirms he wants 12 beers. The bartender sets them on the bar, thinking the guy is a little off and the patron starts chugging them, one after another. Between beer 4 and 5, the bartender asks, "why are you drinking those so fast?" The guy replies, "if you had what I do, you'd drink fast too." Now the bartender kind of feels bad and asks, "what do you have?" The guy says, "seventy five cents." Edited August 24, 2021 by Fordgalaxy 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted August 27, 2021 Author Share Posted August 27, 2021 Stanley Eisen (aka: Paul Stanley) has COVID-19. The KISS tour has been halted. -- Was he vaccinated? If he was, it was probably against VD. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
driventotheedge Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 (edited) Stanley Eisen (aka: Paul Stanley) has COVID-19. The KISS tour has been halted. -- Was he vaccinated? If he was, it was probably against VD.Very funny :lol: Edited August 28, 2021 by driventotheedge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted August 30, 2021 Author Share Posted August 30, 2021 Justice is best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sark Posted September 2, 2021 Share Posted September 2, 2021 I would tell you a story about when a friend of mine and I went camping, but it was too intense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted September 2, 2021 Author Share Posted September 2, 2021 I would tell you a story about when a friend of mine and I went camping, but it was too intense. Camping is indeed the most stressful pastime. Everyone is in tents. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fordgalaxy Posted September 2, 2021 Share Posted September 2, 2021 Everyone knows about Iron Man and his ability to stop the bad guys. Who many people don't know about, is Aluminum Man. He's not as effective against evil doers and can usually only foil their plans. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted September 3, 2021 Author Share Posted September 3, 2021 I keep enrolling in class after class in Egyptology, and I'm getting straight A's, but I'm not getting any closer to a PhD. I fear that it's all just a pyramid scheme. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
condemned2bfree Posted September 3, 2021 Share Posted September 3, 2021 Englishman Irishman, and American man are walking along a beach where they see a Mermaid. English man asks " have you ever been kissed?" " No" replies the mermaid. American guy asked " have you been touched?" 'NO!" replied the mermaid, then touching her. Irishman then asked " have you been Fooooked?" No replied the mermaid " well' replied the Irishman "THE TIDE HAS GONE OUT" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lerxt1990 Posted September 10, 2021 Share Posted September 10, 2021 "Lawyers, huh? Your briefs are showing." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lerxt1990 Posted September 10, 2021 Share Posted September 10, 2021 Lady goes into dentist. Dentist says "Youre going to need a root canal." Lady says "Ooooh, ouch Id rather have a baby!" Dentist says "Well tell me which one you want because I have to adjust the chair." lol 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rush Cocky Posted September 13, 2021 Share Posted September 13, 2021 Saw a fat chick wearing a shirt that said Guess on it. So I said about 340. Now she wants to fight.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rush Cocky Posted September 13, 2021 Share Posted September 13, 2021 A friend of mine was at the McDonald's drive thru. The lady behind him honks because he’s taking too long to order. He pulls to the first window, pays for his meal and hers. When the lady gets to the first window she leans out and apologizes to my buddy and thanks him for paying for her meal. My buddy gets to the second window, shows both receipts, and takes his meal AND hers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rush Cocky Posted September 13, 2021 Share Posted September 13, 2021 A man and his wife are in marriage counseling. After talking to each person separately, the counselor decides to bring them back together. The counselor asks the husband: "She says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The husband answers: "To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rush Cocky Posted September 13, 2021 Share Posted September 13, 2021 I asked a pretty homeless woman if I could take her home with me. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rush Cocky Posted September 13, 2021 Share Posted September 13, 2021 Fifty-one years ago, the U.S. Army drafted Herman James, a mountain man from North Carolina. On the first day of basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, the Army barber shaved off all his hair. On the second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon, the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rush Cocky Posted September 13, 2021 Share Posted September 13, 2021 (edited) Two hillbillies were sipping shine on their front porch, when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod. "I'm-a gonna do that when I win that there lottery," said Hillbilly #1. "Do wut?" said Hillbilly #2. "Send my lawn out to git mowed." Edited September 13, 2021 by Rush Cocky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rush Cocky Posted September 13, 2021 Share Posted September 13, 2021 1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. 2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it. 3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight. 4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles. 5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late. 6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. 7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. 8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative. 9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers. 10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?" 11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing. 12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever. 13. I run like the winded. 14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on. 15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?" 16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery? 17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited. 18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east." 19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out. 20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops. 21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rush Cocky Posted September 13, 2021 Share Posted September 13, 2021 What did the painter said after someone stole all his money? Easel come, easel go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted September 17, 2021 Author Share Posted September 17, 2021 Suffering from insomnia? Just have people tell you uninteresting stuff right before bedtime. That's when you say, "I'll sleep better tonight knowing that." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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