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Tell A Dumb Joke


Principled Man
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What's the biggest difference between men and women?

 

 

 

 

When a woman says, "Hey, smell this...", the thing almost always smells GOOD.

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Someone broke into my town's police station and stole all the toilets.

 

 

 

There are no known suspects, as the cops have nothing to go on.

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Italian pastry chef: “Doctor, you told me that you could cure me! Now you’re telling me that I’m a goner?!”

 

Doctor: “I’m sorry, but we cannoli do so much.....”

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This Day in History - 1835: The HMS Beagle and Charles Darwin reach the Galápagos Islands.

 

The finch and turtle populations were never the same since. ;-)

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After his annual check-up, a guy asks a doctor to estimate how long he will live. The doctor starts asking him a series of questions.

 

Doc: Do you eat red meat?

 

No

 

Doc: Do you smoke cigarettes, cigars, or a pipe?

 

No

 

Doc: Do you use any illicit drugs?

 

No

 

Doc: Do you drink beer or hard liquor?

 

Nope

 

Doc: Do you have any hobbies or do any activities that are risky like bungee jumping or sky diving?

 

No, that stuff scares me.

 

Doc: Do you have multiple sexual partners?

 

Nope, currently single and not looking.

 

Doc: Do you drive a fast car like a Porsche or Corvette?

 

Nope, a Toyota Camry.

 

Doc: Okay

 

So doctor, how long will I live?

 

Doc: Why do you even care? You have no life.

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A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve your kind in here."

 

The string goes outside, ties himself in half, messes up his hair, and goes back inside.

 

"Hey," says the bartender, "aren't you that string I just threw out?"

 

"Nope," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot."

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Karen hit me with this one, had to forward.

 

A Chinese man is suing his wife for divorce. The judge asks the man his reasoning for divorcing his wife. The man says:

 

"I no come. She no come. Baby come. How come?"

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Him: I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary.

 

Her: Nothing would please me more!

 

[Anniversary comes and goes]

 

Her: You FORGOT our anniversary?!

 

Him: You said that nothing would please you more, so I got you nothing.

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Him: I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary.

 

Her: Nothing would please me more!

 

[Anniversary comes and goes]

 

Her: You FORGOT our anniversary?!

 

Him: You said that nothing would please you more, so I got you nothing.

And he's not getting anything for a good long while if ever again, either.

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