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Spaghetti Lee Has Been Sneaking Progesterone Into My Macallan by Neil Ellwood Peart It has come to my attention, as I gaze into the mirror and wonder if my motorcycle armor makes me look fat, that a certain member of The Rush Forum's group of obstreperous ne'er-do-wells has used those pictures of my house on the Internet (Thanks, assholes.) to form a break-in plan to the room in which I keep my trusty liquor cabinet. This would concern me more if the member turned out to be one of many of those in the Sense O'Clock News forum, none of whom I would care to have on my property without at least an adequate sharks with frickin' laser beams tank for them to "accidentally" find once they start asking me why I'm not a fan of Rand Paul or his father. Or his namesake, at least not anymore. Damn it, I don't know. What do you people want from me, anyway? Screw you, this is MY guest column! Damn it, Spaghetti Lee is such a jerk! Am I having hot flashes now? I swear it's a thousand degrees out here. Maybe it's because I've been out in the middle of the desert again on my motorcycle. Why do I do that? God, I'm so stupid! Stupid female hormones... wait, am I growing breasts? Gah, are you kidding?? I am NOT taking a blog selfie with boobs! Michael?? Michael, do you have any liquor that isn't mine? Oh wait, just that stuff you drink? Eww, gross! Gawwd, how am I EVER going to face my wife again like this?? I mean, my boobs are bigger than hers! Well, okay, maybe they were before, but gawd. Oh no, is that one of my fans? Is he, like, seeing me like this?? Is he walking over to... oh crap, he has a cell phone camera! RUN!!! Phew! Man, I'm going to have to have these surgically removed. How do women live with these anyway? Spaghetti Lee, you are, like, SUCH a dead man! UPDATE: The Guys at Work visited and said that they don't notice much of a difference. Then they laughed at me. This sucks so bad, I'm gonna go in my room now and write a bunch of songs about it. Then they'll have to play them all. Serves them right.
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