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Deciding to be child-free


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It's a very responsible choice to make, if a woman is sure she doesn't want to have any children, to not have them- because conversely, it's irresponsible and unfair to bring children into the world if you cannot or will not love them unconditionally.

 

I have two. And I thought for sure that I wouldn't have any more. But as things continue to evolve...I would be really happy to have more.

Edited by Blue J
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I plan on it, but give me another 3-5 years, I got shit to take care of! :D

 

I was a first-time father at the age of 41. If I'd had been a father in my 20s, I would have been horrible at it. It took me a while for me to grow up enough to figure out what parenting is all about. Don't rush it, man. :)

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I plan on it, but give me another 3-5 years, I got shit to take care of! :D

 

I was a first-time father at the age of 41. If I'd had been a father in my 20s, I would have been horrible at it. It took me a while for me to grow up enough to figure out what parenting is all about. Don't rush it, man. :)

We were married at 20 and waited purposely 6 years to have our first and then 3 more to have our second and last. Plan your life and don't let it plan you. Some things in this life you can control....
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I plan on it, but give me another 3-5 years, I got shit to take care of! :D

 

I was a first-time father at the age of 41. If I'd had been a father in my 20s, I would have been horrible at it. It took me a while for me to grow up enough to figure out what parenting is all about. Don't rush it, man. :)

We were married at 20 and waited purposely 6 years to have our first and then 3 more to have our second and last. Plan your life and don't let it plan you. Some things in this life you can control....

 

Definitely make sure you enjoy your own childhood before becoming a parent!

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I plan on it, but give me another 3-5 years, I got shit to take care of! :D

 

I was a first-time father at the age of 41. If I'd had been a father in my 20s, I would have been horrible at it. It took me a while for me to grow up enough to figure out what parenting is all about. Don't rush it, man. :)

We were married at 20 and waited purposely 6 years to have our first and then 3 more to have our second and last. Plan your life and don't let it plan you. Some things in this life you can control....

 

Definitely make sure you enjoy your own childhood before becoming a parent!

Somebody hit 2000 posts. Congrats my dear..... :cheers: :rose: 110 more to go
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It's a decision you have some control over but not complete control...

 

We got married at 26 (me), 23 (husband), finally made a positive decision to have a baby 4 years later. I got pregnant pretty much instantly but then had a miscarriage and ongoing problems which put me off the whole idea of having kids. Just over a year later, there was a health scare about the mini-pill and my local surgery stopped prescribing it to everyone. The alternative pill they put me on gave me monthly migraines, so we were just trying other methods when I got pregnant unexpectedly. Although it wasn't planned, I didn't regret it at all. I just wasn't ready to make a decision to go through again everything I went through before.

 

My 15 year old daughter is well aware of this story and has told her friends that she can't hate migraines too much because they are responsible for her existence!

 

I respect anyone's life choices, whether or not they want children, including if they get pregnant accidentally and realise they will not cope with a child. We were happy with one but were sure we didn't want another.

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The whole wait til you're a certain age argument baffles me. Age is no indication of maturity. My wife and I had our first at 23 and most people we know consider us pretty good parents. On the other hand I work with a guy who is 42 and has a three year old who can't put together a complete sentence and still wears diapers and has never even been put near a toilet to begin potty training. His clothing is all purchased from consignment stores while his father sports $150 sneakers and $2000 televisions. Now does that really indicate that age equals maturity?
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I don't think it was really decided, it just sort of ended up that way - and many times I think, unfortunately it ended that way.

There was always something else going on, but of course if we were pregnant I would have had the child, no question.

The past few decades have moved exceptionally fast.

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You only THINK you're free.

 

I think.

I think I am.

Therefore, I am! I think....

 

Of course you are my bright little star!

I've miles and miles of files

Pretty files of your forefather's fruit

And now to suit

Our Great computer

You're magnetic ink.

 

I'm more than that

I know I am.

At least, I think I must be.

 

There you go, man!

Keep as cool as you can.

Face piles of trials with smiles

It riles them to believe

That you perceive

The web they weave

And keep on thinking free.

 

It's only a couple of days ago I heard On A Treshold Of A Dream on vinyl. I scored an original copy from 69 with a mint lyric sheet. It's a funny feeling sitting with something that old while listening to the sound, and wondering about the people who have held it before me :)

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The whole wait til you're a certain age argument baffles me. Age is no indication of maturity. My wife and I had our first at 23 and most people we know consider us pretty good parents. On the other hand I work with a guy who is 42 and has a three year old who can't put together a complete sentence and still wears diapers and has never even been put near a toilet to begin potty training. His clothing is all purchased from consignment stores while his father sports $150 sneakers and $2000 televisions. Now does that really indicate that age equals maturity?

 

I agree except the part of not forming a complete sentence at the age of three. I didn't start talking until I hit that age and I turned out just fine :smash:

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I am childfree. I grew up knowing childfree people and my partner's family also has childfree members. So I grew up not thinking anything of it and it has never been an issue. It has nothing to do with dysfunction or not thinking I'd be good at it. I am not selfish and give up a lot of my time and resources for others so it isn't that. I just never wanted kids, like many other people I know. I don't really get why it's an issue at all.?
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Interesting discussion. I have a 14-year-old and a 9-year-old (almost 10). I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to figure out how to relate to or talk to them as well. I never did the baby-talk thing - I almost always just talk to them like they're adults, and I am often surprised by the depth of their understanding and insights. I just wish I had more time for them, or that our free time coincided more.

 

It also helps that I still love Lego.

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Interesting discussion. I have a 14-year-old and a 9-year-old (almost 10). I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to figure out how to relate to or talk to them as well. I never did the baby-talk thing - I almost always just talk to them like they're adults, and I am often surprised by the depth of their understanding and insights. I just wish I had more time for them, or that our free time coincided more.

 

It also helps that I still love Lego.

I worked to much when my kids were young but damn they turned out great anyway.... :D
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Being child free was not a conscious decision by me. That's just the way things turned out. But I can imagine getting married and being a PT stepmom. Some men are worth doing that for. Some aren't. The things we do for love.
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By time I'm warming up to the thought of having kids. My problem is that I'm a low energy type of person, and I don't think I'd be able to keep up. The most important part of this equation is having a relationship with someone I'd like to spend the rest of my life with. Of course I can't have such certainties in life, but I want that potential child to be a labor of love.

 

Life is full of uncertainties and all I want is a life of love. Child or no child. That's not too much to ask for, is it? :)

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Life is full of uncertainties and all I want is a life of love. ... That's not too much to ask for, is it? :)

 

That's all I want as well. And I'm starting to think it is too much to ask for.

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When I was 15, wanted to get married at 27 and have kids two years later. Although, between my 19-22 years, I've changed my mind. Decided to live for what I love most (Art, travelling, friends and others).

 

During last years I had to face some stubborn people (including family) against my personal choice, trying to convince me from the opposite, in various ways. Although I never changed my mind and felt I chose the best for me.

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Life is full of uncertainties and all I want is a life of love. ... That's not too much to ask for, is it? :)

 

That's all I want as well. And I'm starting to think it is too much to ask for.

I think it's fair what both ask. I hope it comes to you.

Edited by rhyv
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The need for therapy is strong in this thread.

 

What you mean by that?

 

Regardless of peoples' choices to have or not to have kids, a lot of issues are being brought out by various posters. Whether it's deep seeded regret, anger, remorse etc. If this were an in-person chat session a psychologist would run out of business cards.

 

haha allright, well I got my reasons why I hate kids..

 

Is it the kids you hate, or is it lousy parenting that bugs you more?

 

Well its the screaming, and fighting and the way they are running around that I hate. Why can they not just sit down and shut up?

 

Well you were a kid once...why couldn't you? :huh:

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People like that really need to give their kids up for adoption. It's just not fair to the kids to grow up in a world of hate.

 

Speaking as someone who was adopted (at age 2 months; I was born to an unwed mother who obviously didn't want me) I am thrilled my biological parents gave me up so I could be raised by parents who actually wanted me.

 

I do wonder if the desire to not have children is hereditary. If so, maybe I got it from my mother. Certainly this is a gene which would quickly die out.

 

I always knew I wasn't "mommy" material. And sweetie never really has the "daddy" drive, either.

Buuuut... things happen, and one finds themselves with a decision to make.

 

For us, it was truly a surprise. I actually had no idea that I was pregnant until I was in labor. (No missed period, no movement in my belly, no "baby bump"... honestly, there was nothing to tell me, or sweetie...)

Had we known? I might have chosen to abort. I don't know for sure, though.

As it was, we gave our baby up for adoption.

We read profiles of hopeful couples, we spoke with a counselor there at the hospital, and we both were happy with that decision. We held him, we named him, and I fell into those deep, indigo eyes... Loved that child on first sight. But even with the flood of hormones and endorphins and all, I knew he wasn't "mine". I still didn't feel the "mommy" thing kicking in, and I knew that I never really would. Adoption was the best thing I ever decided.

 

But I always wondered, what are the thoughts of the child? What are your feelings about being adopted? Do you ever resent your mom for getting pregnant and giving you up? Do you ever wonder about her? Do you Love her/hate her/feel nothing for her? I always wonder...

I know every child feels different, and every situation is unique, and I don't expect you to be the spokes-person for every adoptee, but... what was your experience?

 

Sorry if I'm pulling the thread off-topic, but... I've always wondered.

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