Jump to content

Deciding to be child-free


x1yyz
 Share

Recommended Posts

Better to NOT have them and regret it later than to have them and spend the rest of your life wishing you hadn't.

 

Agreed. I remember when I was in a halfway house in the early eighties being with an absolutely beautiful woman who had three absolutely beautiful children that she disliked intensely and wished she never had. I felt sorry for her.

Edited by Lorraine
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I also don't know how to relate to small kids. (Maybe all of this contributes to not wanting kids?) You can't talk with babies, obviously, but the older the kids get the easier it is to deal with them. I can deal with them just fine once they turn about 30.

 

I have always felt the same way. My sister is like the complete opposite though. Apparently she inherited all of the mothering genes. She was a real girly girl and even as an adult she collects dolls which I think is a little creepy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Better to NOT have them and regret it later than to have them and spend the rest of your life wishing you hadn't.

 

Agreed. I remember when I was in a halfway house in the early eighties being with an absolutely beautiful woman who had three absolutely beautiful children that she disliked intensely and wished she never had. I felt sorry for her.

 

People like that really need to give their kids up for adoption. It's just not fair to the kids to grow up in a world of hate.

 

Speaking as someone who was adopted (at age 2 months; I was born to an unwed mother who obviously didn't want me) I am thrilled my biological parents gave me up so I could be raised by parents who actually wanted me.

 

I do wonder if the desire to not have children is hereditary. If so, maybe I got it from my mother. Certainly this is a gene which would quickly die out.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I never actually wanted to have children and I have no problem saying that. However, even though I was careful at the time (both birth control AND condoms), my son came to be. While regret is probably not the best word to describe the feelings I have about having him, I have since decided that I am not doing it again. I had my tubes tied about 2-3 years ago. Trust me, it's not just childless younger women (I was in my early 30's) who have a problem finding a doctor who will complete that procedure for them. It took me nearly 12 years to find one.

 

I do feel like I missed out on what I really wanted to do with my life because I compromised and had a child early on. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel: I'll only be 39 when he graduates from high school. So, I will still be relatively young and have a lot of life ahead of me. I'm also single by choice because I really don't want to run the risk of having one of the same problems with another man that I had with my ex-husband. He was quite happy living in this area and I, quite frankly, hate it no end. I tried on several occasions to get him interested in moving and he was having nothing to do with that. The only reason I am staying now is so my son can finish high school with his best friends. Once that is done, I will be taking aggressive steps to leave his hell-hole.

 

I know that there are some people who feel like their lives are fulfilled by having children. While my son is amazing and I love him no end, I don't feel that my purpose in life has been fulfilled simply by being responsible for the presence of another human being. Quite frankly, any idiot with sexual organs can get with another and make a child. It isn't rocket science. The scores of unwanted, abused and neglected children in the world are a testament to that fact. So, for me at least, I never understood how a simple act of natural science could make a person feel fulfilled in life. Maybe it's the raising them, but that always seemed too vicarious for my liking. It's a mystery to me for sure and I am certainly not saying that people who feel that way are inferior. I just never had that compulsion, and I have yet to come across another human being (my son included) that I would task with making me happy. That's MY responsibility. People comment to me all the time what a "good kid" my son is. He's achieved some pretty cool things and he is respectful and compassionate. Yes, I am proud of him, but his achievements don't fulfill me and my needs in life. Once a child gets past a certain point in life, their achievements are their own. And, Alex is way past that point.

 

So, I guess what I am saying is that I have very mixed feelings about being a parent. On one hand I never wanted that for myself, and the aspirations that I had in life were pretty much destroyed when I had my son (without getting into a lot of detail, the career path I was trying to start was not the best environment to raise a child due to extensive travel leading to a "gypsy" type lifestyle). But, I do adore him and I am privileged to know him. He makes me proud, but not fulfilled. I'm not sure if I would do things differently if given the opportunity for a re-do. Probably not, but there has been an empty spot that I have tried to fill to no avail. I've just had this nagging feeling for the past 14-15 years that I really missed out on the life I wanted for myself because of that one choice I made to keep my son.

 

Wow, thank you for sharing your story. And thank you even more for loving your son and caring for him, despite the fact he wasn't part of the plan.

 

Hopefully once he's done with high school you can go on to bigger and better things, in a better place.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you chosen to not have children? (This goes for men as well as women, since it takes two to tango.) If so, how old were you when you made that choice? Was it difficult?

 

I've known ever since I was a child that I never wanted kids. I just never had the biological or emotional drive to do so. I've heard friends talking about how much they wanted kids and I find it interesting just how foreign that concept is to me, like telling a fish you want to learn about driving a car.

 

Are there others here who feel the same way?

 

Hey,

 

I know how to drive. :P

 

Seriously though, I respect your decision. You are very responsible and decided it wasn't for you. It's like pets, a lot of people get pets only to find out it was the wrong thing to do. The animal gets abused or neglected, sent to a shelter or worse.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have no pets. People think I'm crazy because I don't want a dog. :huh:

 

Good analogy, troutman.

 

Good man,

 

It takes a lot of responsibility to own pet. You made a wise choice. You have to really want one and be prepared to take care of it. The time, money involved. Same with children. It changes your whole life and you have to be committed to what you have decided to do.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Growing up, I was thinking that I wanted to have kids. But certainly wanted to get married first, settle down, see the world, etc.. and then have kids. But, at the age of 24, I got my girlfriend pregnant. At the time, I was hoping she would get an abortion, but I knew it was her decision and I would support her. So, we got the shotgun wedding and then the greatest thing in my life happened. The birth of my oldest sweetie changed my life for the best. Almost overnight, I matured and became a man.

 

Fast forward 17 years, several kids later, and a divorce, my kids are my heart and soul. If they would only listen to good music.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have no pets. People think I'm crazy because I don't want a dog. :huh:

 

Good analogy, troutman.

 

Good man,

 

It takes a lot of responsibility to own pet. You made a wise choice. You have to really want one and be prepared to take care of it. The time, money involved. Same with children. It changes your whole life and you have to be committed to what you have decided to do.

 

I wouldn't even be able to have a pet. Think it's settled then, no kids for me :D

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have no pets. People think I'm crazy because I don't want a dog. :huh:

 

Good analogy, troutman.

 

Good man,

 

It takes a lot of responsibility to own pet. You made a wise choice. You have to really want one and be prepared to take care of it. The time, money involved. Same with children. It changes your whole life and you have to be committed to what you have decided to do.

 

I wouldn't even be able to have a pet. Think it's settled then, no kids for me :D

 

Why no pets/kids?

 

Is it where you live? Either way, at least your making a choice that is responsible.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have no pets. People think I'm crazy because I don't want a dog. :huh:

 

Good analogy, troutman.

 

Good man,

 

It takes a lot of responsibility to own pet. You made a wise choice. You have to really want one and be prepared to take care of it. The time, money involved. Same with children. It changes your whole life and you have to be committed to what you have decided to do.

 

I wouldn't even be able to have a pet. Think it's settled then, no kids for me :D

 

Why no pets/kids?

 

Is it where you live? Either way, at least your making a choice that is responsible.

 

Kids, because I have too much unsolved.

Dogs, because I'd have to feed them and walk them.

 

http://territrespicio.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/SweetBrown.jpg

 

Edit: I love kids and animals, but I want my life to be about me and not them :)

Edited by The Analog Grownup
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have no pets. People think I'm crazy because I don't want a dog. :huh:

 

Good analogy, troutman.

 

Good man,

 

It takes a lot of responsibility to own pet. You made a wise choice. You have to really want one and be prepared to take care of it. The time, money involved. Same with children. It changes your whole life and you have to be committed to what you have decided to do.

 

I wouldn't even be able to have a pet. Think it's settled then, no kids for me :D

 

Why no pets/kids?

 

Is it where you live? Either way, at least your making a choice that is responsible.

 

Kids, because I have too much unsolved.

Dogs, because I'd have to feed them and walk them.

 

http://territrespicio.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/SweetBrown.jpg

 

Edit: I love kids and animals, but I want my life to be about me and not them :)

 

Honest selfishness,

 

I love it!! :LOL: :7up: :haz:

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have no pets. People think I'm crazy because I don't want a dog. :huh:

 

Good analogy, troutman.

 

Good man,

 

It takes a lot of responsibility to own pet. You made a wise choice. You have to really want one and be prepared to take care of it. The time, money involved. Same with children. It changes your whole life and you have to be committed to what you have decided to do.

 

I wouldn't even be able to have a pet. Think it's settled then, no kids for me :D

 

Why no pets/kids?

 

Is it where you live? Either way, at least your making a choice that is responsible.

 

Kids, because I have too much unsolved.

Dogs, because I'd have to feed them and walk them.

 

http://territrespicio.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/SweetBrown.jpg

 

Edit: I love kids and animals, but I want my life to be about me and not them :)

 

Honest selfishness,

 

I love it!! :LOL: :7up: :haz:

 

You need a little selfishness every now and then*

 

*I reserve the right to change my position along the way ;)

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I thought I never wanted children, or even wanted to marry, until I unexpectedly met the man who I sincerely believe is my soulmate. I will say, they certainly were worth the wait, and I am so glad I never committed suicide. I have attempted to end my life several times, actually, and the tragic loss of Robin Williams is proof that suicide isn’t the answer. You may believe your entire world has come crashing down before you, especially if you are already struggling with depression, or another health related obstacle. I have been there, many, many times. I promise you, this is not the end, but the beginning of a new chapter. I never would have met the love of my life, or finally attained another job. Who knows what the future holds, you know? I was just hired today, after searching for years. Best word of advice - don’t give up, no matter what. I thought my life would forever be a miserable existence, but I was terribly wrong. Anything can happen, right? I have no intention of changing the topic, but I wanted to share what was on my mind today.
  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I thought I never wanted children, or even wanted to marry, until I unexpectedly met the man who I sincerely believe is my soulmate. I will say, they certainly were worth the wait, and I am so glad I never committed suicide. I have attempted to end my life several times, actually, and the tragic loss of Robin Williams is proof that suicide isn’t the answer. You may believe your entire world has come crashing down before you, especially if you are already struggling with depression, or another health related obstacle. I have been there, many, many times. I promise you, this is not the end, but the beginning of a new chapter. I never would have met the love of my life, or finally attained another job. Who knows what the future holds, you know? I was just hired today, after searching for years. Best word of advice - don’t give up, no matter what. I thought my life would forever be a miserable existence, but I was terribly wrong. Anything can happen, right? I have no intention of changing the topic, but I wanted to share what was on my mind today.

 

I'm very glad to hear you're doing well!

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have no pets. People think I'm crazy because I don't want a dog. :huh:

 

Good analogy, troutman.

 

Good man,

 

It takes a lot of responsibility to own pet. You made a wise choice. You have to really want one and be prepared to take care of it. The time, money involved. Same with children. It changes your whole life and you have to be committed to what you have decided to do.

 

I wouldn't even be able to have a pet. Think it's settled then, no kids for me :D

 

Why no pets/kids?

 

Is it where you live? Either way, at least your making a choice that is responsible.

 

Kids, because I have too much unsolved.

Dogs, because I'd have to feed them and walk them.

 

http://territrespicio.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/SweetBrown.jpg

 

Edit: I love kids and animals, but I want my life to be about me and not them :)

 

Honest selfishness,

 

I love it!! :LOL: :7up: :haz:

 

You need a little selfishness every now and then*

 

*I reserve the right to change my position along the way ;)

 

And it's a good thing,

 

Something that's needed more. Especially these days. :cool:

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The only part of me that wants to have a child is the part that wants to pick a name for it. For a long time I have known that I would not want kids. I think the turning point was seeing my little brother (he is almost 9) growing up and watching him being raised. I realised that raising a kid for me would be a political nightmare. I have always said to myself that a lot of kids are too censored, and by keeping them from adult things for too long leads to them being exposed to it the wrong way, so I would always think to myself to any other parent, hey loosen up. But when it comes to these situations with my little brother, half of me wants him to have the loosened reigns that I did not get myself, but the other half makes me want to keep him innocent. Raising my own kids would be scary, how independent do I let them be, do I try to be strict to show them the way to an easier life, or let them be more free and creative at what risks. All in all it is not a decision I want to make.

 

Meanwhile seeing how much sacrifice my dad and step mom put into my little brother is admirable, but also something I do not want to participate in. I have a certain lifestyle I want to live, and it cannot co-exist with raising a child.

 

Finally certain things young kids do can drive me crazy. It's mainly imagination. I'm am not against imagining up fun things to do, and sometimes I am all for it, but others I am just not in the mood. When I get home from work and my little brother has says I have to save the lego ship from destruction before I can move along, I am simply in no mood, but if he immediately asked to play video games, I am more likely all for it.

 

There are all these other little nuances that say no kid for me, but the main thing is that having a little brother half my age almost feels like raising a kid just by watching my parents deal with him, as well as the numerous times they have pilled spontaneous babysitting jobs on me ("I am taking the dogs out for a walk can you watch Nathaniel" says my step mom as she walks out the door, what! am I really going to say no).

 

A lot of people give me odd stares when I say that I never want kids because I am so good with them (and all of my part time jobs have involved dealing with children). Truth is (besides the fact that I am a kid at heart) that I have become an expert at handling kids so that they will not annoy me.

 

If I ever were to accidentally have a child, I would opt for the abortion, however of course, that is not my decision, and should I have a child from that, I will embrace raising it as best I can, and hope that I will still have the drive to the other goals in my life at it's adulthood.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

What drives me crazy are people who say, "But you were once a child too. Lucky for you they wanted children!" Absolutely zero logic in that. As if I'm going to smack my forehead and say, "You know, you are absolutely right! How silly of me to think I don't want to spit out some crotch fruit of my own!"
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am that kinda guy that hate kids, I just get angry and annoyed when I am around them.

 

All they do is screaming and fighting and destroy.

 

So no kids for me, thanks!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

What drives me crazy are people who say, "But you were once a child too. Lucky for you they wanted children!" Absolutely zero logic in that. As if I'm going to smack my forehead and say, "You know, you are absolutely right! How silly of me to think I don't want to spit out some crotch fruit of my own!"

 

is that some sort of fruit salad? :P

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am that kinda guy that hate kids, I just get angry and annoyed when I am around them.

 

All they do is screaming and fighting and destroy.

 

So no kids for me, thanks!

 

Hate is a strong word concerning children,

 

I understand not wanting any. I myself can be impatient if they are around me all the time. I love children, but it's not my thing 24/7. BTW, I hand out doughnuts to them in the hood all the time. :D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am that kinda guy that hate kids, I just get angry and annoyed when I am around them.

 

All they do is screaming and fighting and destroy.

 

So no kids for me, thanks!

 

Hate is a strong word concerning children,

 

I understand not wanting any. I myself can be impatient if they are around me all the time. I love children, but it's not my thing 24/7. BTW, I hand out doughnuts to them in the hood all the time. :D

 

Well it is the truth. If I hear a kid scream on the bus, and destroy my music-time, then I get so angry that I close my fist really hard..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am that kinda guy that hate kids, I just get angry and annoyed when I am around them.

 

All they do is screaming and fighting and destroy.

 

So no kids for me, thanks!

 

Hate is a strong word concerning children,

 

I understand not wanting any. I myself can be impatient if they are around me all the time. I love children, but it's not my thing 24/7. BTW, I hand out doughnuts to them in the hood all the time. :D

 

Well it is the truth. If I hear a kid scream on the bus, and destroy my music-time, then I get so angry that I close my fist really hard..

 

Breathe in ... exhale ... breathe in ... exhale ... repeat

 

:P

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...