Jump to content

Jokes,Jokes,Jokes!


Permanent-Rush
 Share

Recommended Posts

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian..."

The blonde replies, "Oh my god! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

 

Part II

 

What do you call a smart blonde ???

 

 

 

A golden retriever

 

 

.

 

.

Edited by Lucas
  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A wino is watching a handsome man in front of a Hotel in the city. When a woman walks by, he see's the man whisper something in their ear. Most of the time, they enter the hotel and 'get it on'. Sometimes, however, the woman stands back, looks shocked and the man says something else, and the woman leaves. After a full day of this, the wino approaches the man and slurs, "How d'ya get those women to f**k you?" The man, looking a little reluctant tells the wino this: "Well, when a woman walks by, whisper in her ear, 'Tickle Your ass with a feather!'" If she says yes, you go and do your business. But if she says 'WHAT?' You say "Typical Nasty weather!" So the wino says, "OH! I can do that!" The man says, Not here, this is MY Hotel!" So the Wino goes off and finds another Hotel and stands in front of it and waits for a woman to walk by. He walks over to her and slurs, "Lady? stick this feather up your ass!" The lady looks shocked and says "WHAT?" and then the Wino says,"lookit the f***in' clouds"! Edited by OldRUSHfan
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Father Flynn is walking to the Convent on a sunny day,

About midway he passes a prostitute

As he passes by she subtly says "hey father head 10 bucks"

Confused and a bit embarrassed he keeps walking

When he finally gets to the convent he sees Mother Superior

His curiosity gets the best of him and he blurts out

"Hey mother what's head?"

To which she replies

"10 bucks same as it is outside

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Two stoned hippies are walking along a disused railway line when one turns to the other and says.. Man - I'll be sure glad to see the top of these stairs.. The second hippie turns to him and says.. Hey - like stairs nothin' man, it's these low hand rails that freak me out.
  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A young man is taking his girlfriend to the prom. He wants to make the best impression he can so he goes out to buy the best tux he can find. He finds one but there is a long line at the shop so he has to wait. He then goes to the florists to buy his girlfriend some flowers. He finds the perfect flowers but there is a long line again do he waits. He buys the flowers and then proceeds to the limo hire. There is also a long here so he has to wait but eventually he hires a limo. On the night of the dance him and his girlfriend are dancing and after a couple of songs they are thirsty. The man goes to get them some punch. There is no punchline... Edited by LittleRushmonkey
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
  • Like 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A husband just finishes a book he has been reading titled

"Be the Man of the House!"

With his new found insight he makes a bee line to his wife's location and says,

" Things are going to be different around this house from now on!"

"1st thing is you are going to start doing things my way around here"

As he notices he has her attention he continues,

" You are going to wear clothes around the house that I like that are revealing and sexy!

You are then going to cook me a gourmet dinner of my choice and then serve a decadent dessert! After that we are going to go upstairs and have sex the way I want to have it! Then you are going to draw a bath for me and sponge wash me and towel me dry! and tomorrow do you know who is going to lay out my clothes, dress me & do my hair?"

To which she replies

"My guess would be the f***ing funeral director!!!!'

:laughing guy:

Edited by Crimsonmistymemory
  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A rich woman comes home and calls her butler over.

 

"Jeeves, would you please take off my dress."

"Please take off my stockings."

"Okay, take off my bra and panties."

"Now Jeeves, never let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A Welder dies and goes to heaven,

Upon his arrival at the pearly gates he is greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter gives him the standard welcome to heaven spiel.

He brings the welder to the heavenly weld shop and starts to show the somewhat baffeled welder around. Saint Peter starts to explain.

"So here is the weld shop, you have gold pipe & material, gold tools, gold welding lead, gold welding machine, gold welding rods and you will be welding gold for eternity.

The welder seeming quite impressed with his new digs starts to settle in.

Just about an hour goes by and Saint Peter see's the welder with his bucket of gear headed back towards the gate,

Confused Saint Peter hollers out "hey there where ya goin?"

The welder yells back and says,

"Sorry man but Satan is paying a dollar more"...

Edited by Crimsonmistymemory
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kid dresses up as a pirate for Halloween. He's out trick-or-treating, comes up to one house and rings the doorbell- a woman opens the door, and he greets her with, "Aaargh, me bucko!"

 

The woman says, "Hey, that's a great pirate outfit! But where are your buccaneers?"

 

The kid answers, "Under me buckin' hat." :huh:

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...