How Earth got Neil PeartAh, it's that time again. Another useless holiday for puny Americans to celebrate, and the time for YBG critics to pull out the red pen of grammatical correction. Created strictly for economic purposes, Valentines day represents the very worst of capitalism and democracy. Love. "Love is all there is" once permeated the airwaves in your country. There was once a television show dedicated to a sailing vessel specializing to the very concept of love. On my home planet of Mongo, we watch this show once a week on TempleVision, The Love Boat. Ready to make another run into the hearts of Yukon Blade Grinder readers, I'm ready to put a dagger in those hearts...just for fun! It's what I do, because I am Ming...and I'm the Merciless!
Yukon Blade Grinder
Galactic Guest Journalist
Ming the Merciless
On your planet I'm a fictional character, however I'm real--very real. Little do the people of your galaxy know that my planet, we call it Mongo (your astronomers call it VT3x), is the supreme gem of the Solar Federation. On a more gratuitous, regally submitted information level, it's not often that I honor requests without some form of payment. However, in all galactic candor, I was quite surprised when the editor of this Blade Grinder left a message for me. Not many people can get a hold of me when I'm visiting Area 51. In fact, it's never happened before. What's even more amazing was the technology used to subvert government security. It's simple, yet ingenious. Crude, basic, and effective. They knew how to phone home the right way.
The request from this seemingly important media giant was an easy one to fulfill. To say that I relish the opportunity to work for such resourceful and ego-maniacal individuals is an understatement. Anytime someone contacts me on one of these things I'm listening. For a little background, let us revisit the past. Most citizens of your planet know very little about its relationship with the planets Mongo and Megadonia, but let's start at the beginning. In 1947, the desert of New Mexico became a hotbed of interest when our ship crashed. The element 115 gravity amplifier (an eludium pue 36 explosive space modulator as it's known on Mars) experienced a hiccup and the rest is history...or heavily redacted history. A weather balloon came back to earth, or so your government claims. Ha! Actually, it was Mongonian ship carrying a seed designed to save your planet. In it's infancy, our galaxy knew your little experiment of a solar system which planet Earth calls home was in trouble, and in need of a savior. So, we all put our heads together and started the process to lend a helping hand. It was just another seed of hope for your planet, and there have been many seeds in your brief history.
Bartender from The Love Boat &
sower of many seeds
However, the real prize on that ship was the seed that became Neil Ellwood Peart.
But enough about your planet, let me tell you about my stomping and annihilation grounds.
It's located within the same solar system of Megadonia, home of Megadon. We're neighboring planets in fact.
For the graybeard Rush fans, Megadon inspires flights of fancy and kick-starts memory trips and lucid daydreams. They recall days and golden Acapulco nights staring at an album cover featuring that supposed symbol of tyranny, then flipping it over to see a camel-toe of epic proportions. Earthlings seem to find that attractive. Certainly a symbol of vitality on your planet, otherwise, why would a person want their tiny seed bearing sacs so visible? Seems obvious. I'm sure he's an accomplished avatar of love on your little planet, but let us continue...to many native Megadonians, that album is the bane of their existence.
Famous Camel Toes of Earth
My home planet and Megadonia share many of the same features: lush vegetation and forest regions. Our sprawling deserts of ice are home to the best ski slopes in the galaxy. Some lands are inhabited by magical beasts and creatures known to atomize their prey with just a glance. The vast oceans on our planets contain many unknowns, and are dangerous to navigate because of unpredictable weather. We also share a connection that goes beyond topographical and geologic features--political oppression. On my planet, I'm the oppressor. On Megadonia, it's the Elder Race...or it used to be before Rush retired...thank the Gods!
Yes, the very same group responsible for overthrowing the Priests of Syrinx back in the day. In our worlds, that day is known as "The Invasion of the Noisy and Stinky People", which occurred in the year 2112 (Our solar calendar. It's 1976 for earthlings). I was brought in to take care of the priests of Syrinx after the fall, and also coordinate the transitional rise of the Elder Race. The Priests of Syrinx always get a bad rap. I've not seen one positive article written about them. The National Midnight Sun literally roasted the cloister because of their fixation with computer games and their stance on musical instruments. Now, the planet is crawling with Yngwie Malmsteen clones. Sometimes people don't think about the unintended consequences of their actions.
The Elder Race was a real challenge to placate. Old people tend to that situation themselves, always wanting this or that exactly so. Never satisfied and always complaining. The majority of Priests were banished, however many of them were forced into servitude to the Elder Race, emptying bedpans and transporting them from arts and crafts to their noonday meals. This measure was put into place to ensure a proper dose of humiliation
Since the fall of the Temple, life has been relatively lazy and unproductive for the citizens of Megadon. Stock and trade are way down on the inter-galactic markets. Mining the coveted Sphincterstone has come to a halt since control has been assumed by the old folks. On a good note, farming is still going on with a passion, but it mostly revolves around the usual plants: Nabiscus, Ceasarum Roots, Hyperspedium cracklefluffs, Mezloninnian Pixelpods, and that plant imported from planet Earth known only as Maui Waui. The latter, in all its pungent glory is known to cause its consumers to become apathetic and curiously hungry. Still haven't figured that one out. Perhaps I should indulge my own finicky taste buds. When the Temple fell, most citizens on Megadon seem to enjoy it immensely. The complex requirements of my own tongue have grown tired of honeydew all the time. Sorry, I shall stop my digressions there.
From the picture leading this article, you can see I'm everywhere Templevision broadcasts. We've just replaced Owen Hardy and his moribund gardening broadcasts. Always speaking of nurturing, talking to one's vegetation to make it feel like it has a soul.
When Owen brought his guitar in front of the priests it was a sad, sad day for him. Most Rush fans have no clue that poor sap from 2112, sharing his stupid music was actually one Mr. Hardy. Having his dreams go from boom to bust, his guitar reduced to the finest grain of dust. An unintended consequence for barging in on the Priests during ceremonial proceedings. Owen was understandably browbeaten. They didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but he's known for being a bit of a whiner and should have known better. Correct protocol wasn't observed when he approached the council in the first place. You always make an appointment, and you never play "Stairway to Heaven" when you do.
Owen was obviously under the influence of the Maui. Any citizen knows you don't bother the priests when they're doing the budget for Megadon's adolescent indoctrination program. Pretty stressful, invective laden environment. While delving into financial matters that require great concentration, the priests don't want to hear "Listen to my music" while knee deep in red tape. A lot of times light saber duels occur (regularly broadcast on TempleVision I might add) during the process because passions run so deep, and soaring ambitions are consumed in a single desire!
Owen Hardy--Protoganist of 2112 and the epic Clockwork Angels
Owen Hardy--Host of Templevision's "Gardening with the Starman".
Owen Hardy--Federation malcontent.
He's lived somewhat of a charmed life since the year 2112. Promoted to galactic hero in the eyes of Solar Federation citizens, yet he didn't want the fame associated with his role as change agent. TempleVision became his new friend, as it allowed him to keep arms length from the citizens of Megadonia, while promoting a grand agenda of his own design. Instead of the soothing voices of the temple priests, guitar lessons three times a day were broadcast with various "experts" from Earth providing insight to the craft. Yngwie Malmsteen will soon exterminated by popular demand.
In an interview with the National Midnight Sun, Owen stated that he was "happy that people enjoy their freedom, but he's just a person stepping in front of authoritarian rule, sharing what he believed so important, so essential to the spirit of Megadonians and Mongopitulators." To deal with the trappings of fame and fortune, he sought out the person who help free his mind, and soul--the Oracle of Megadon. His advice was timeless in a time of great need. "Brother you need to fight the power!" was his mantra, and it was the calling card for years since 2112. Known only as "Flav", the diminutive sage of supernatural wisdom for the common man. The seed that became Neil Peart, comes from Flav the Oracle. "I was more than happy to be the donor ya know. Just took a lil' sumthin' sumthin' and there ya go homes. To all Rush fans with love. Good to the last drop!" That certainly has some Valentine's flair yes?
Wrong! Fast forward to the present.
Now, times are dark in Rush world.
The band is on permanent hiatus.
Neil is retired, which means one thing on Megadon...
The day Neil announced was he was personally finished entertaining his legions of fans, the former priests of Syrinx abandoned the mines of Kreakletonium and resurfaced. Needing to coalesce a plan for the overthrow of the Elder Race, they convened in the Zreeton Caves, outside the metropolis of Megadon. While conducting their tribal ceremony, echos of ecstasy and a cacophony of triumph could be heard for miles in the Canyons of Geigersmeg. So loud were the shouts, it awakened Acrimedes from hibernation. Never in possession of a contented appetite upon arousal from sleep, hell was unleashed with unimpeded ferocity. Not good for the people of the town next to Megadon. Tectertia's entire population, save the house pets, were consumed rather quickly. Acrimedes, in all his alien rage, desecrated the Temple of Carnak by vomiting the remains of his victims on its dome. As the bumper stickers used to say in Tectertia, "Acrimedes>All of us". The smell was awful.
Acrimedes is on his way to Megadon to continue the carnage. Who's left to save the day?
Is it Owen Hardy and his gentle soul? The Oracle of Megadon?
Is it these guys?
Rush fans can only hope and pray.
Until the second installment of my Yukon Blade Grinder assignment,
I leave you with this image to savor:
Edited by Tombstone Mountain, 14 February 2016 - 08:05 AM.