snowdogged Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Alright, so, I have always been interested in comedy writing and always dabbled in it on and off in my life. I think that I wrote some decent stuff in the past, but a lot of crap also. Two or three weeks ago I went to see The Nasty Show during the Just for laughs festival. Jimmy Carr, Gilbert Godfried, Artie Lange(Who was born the exact same day as me. Oct. 11th, 1967) and others were there).A big part of why I went was because of Artie and while the show was great and all the comedians were funny, I felt Artie was the weakest comic there but was still closing the show because of his "Stern Status".He didn't really have any new material for the show and he wasn't that funny. I went to the show with my boss and I told him that I could have even written much better jokes for the Nasty Show. So, I went home and tried. I know that without a doubt that this is the funniest writing that I have done. Some of you may be highly offended by it but that does not change the fact they are funny. Here are some of the jokes that I have written. The other day I was at home and I wanted to hang some picture frames on the wall, but I couldn't find my hammer. So, I decided to walk to the hardware store near my house to buy a new one. So, I bought my hammer and started walking home and this guy bumps into me, and I say "Hey, what the f**k, buddy?" and he tells ME to watch where the f**k I am going. Can you believe the nerve? I just lost it, I snapped and punched the guy right in the face, decked him with one punch. He was out cold. He didn't even see it coming. Anyhow, the guy had a dog and his dog just started attacking me and without even thinking, I just raised my new hammer in the air and in self defence smashed that dog as hard as I could in the head with the hammer. The dog died instantaniously. I had no choice, it was either me or the dog... ...Who knew seeing eye dogs could be so vicious?----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------You know what I can't stand? I can't stand racist people! ...Especially, the Chinese ones!----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- People often ask me what I like to do on my time off. What I really enjoy doing in my spare time is hanging out at the Playboy Mansion, and , you know, playing around with the Playmates, if you know what I mean? ...Well, it's actually just a Barbie Dream House that I've modified.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I've decided that I want to learn a second langauge. So, I signed up for a course in stutter.... ....but they keep on postponing the start date. ....My first choice was the Lisp and Drool course but that was cancelled due to flooding.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Has anyone here ever used a hulahoop as a sexual aid? Let me explain... You see, I use it as a cock ring.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My girlfriend gives the best blowjobs! ....At least, that's what her ex-boyfriend tells me.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My girlfriend has some features that are sexier than I have ever seen on any other woman... I have never seen another woman that has anywhere near as sexy and vivacious looking warts, and don't even get me started on her to die for Cankles.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sorry, but I'm feeling a little down tonight. You see, this is fifth anniversary of when things ended between my fiance and I just get a little choked up about it on the anniversary. The way things ended made it really tough for me to deal with for a few years. Due to circumstance, I still saw her pretty much on a daily basis and still to this day I see her frequently. I sometimes tried to talk to her about it but all she'd do is stare at me with her cold eyes. I now know that things are over and now it hardly even phases when I open the freezer door. Oh, c'mon, it's not that bad. It's only her head I have in the freezer! I fed her body to the pittbulls.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My girlfriend caught me jerking off yesterday and she was just furious! ...I don't understand why? ...I mean, I don't even remember what the guy's name was that I was jerking off.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I went for a prostate exam yesterday... ...It made me nervous that it was done through a glory hole.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I will post some more if anyone asks. Thanks and I'd appreciate feedback Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Union 5-3992 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 not mine: If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France? What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles? Electricity. My friend used to work at the sperm bank. Got fired for drinking on the job. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J2112YYZ Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 None of that came across as particularly funny to me. Of course in comedy it's all about how you deliver the lines. What looks bad on paper can really kill if delivered properly. I'm sure even George Carlin's material didn't always look all that special on paper. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowdogged Posted August 10, 2015 Author Share Posted August 10, 2015 None of that came across as particularly funny to me. Of course in comedy it's all about how you deliver the lines. What looks bad on paper can really kill if delivered properly. I'm sure even George Carlin's material didn't always look all that special on paper.Thanks for the feedback! When I was writing the jokes, I was imagining Jimmy Carr telling them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Analog Cub Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 My friend worked at a sperm bank. Lasted two weeks before he got fired for constantly saying "get a load of this guy!" whenever someone walked in. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraroc Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Your mama suck so much dick that her lips went double platinum. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toymaker Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Not my kind of thing, so I can't offer anything useful. I think if it's too crude, you'll turn lots of people off, or worse, bore them. I have watched some stand-up stuff that I couldn't even be offended by, because it was just dull - the lack of subtlety left nothing to for me to work with, nothing for my imagination to find any humor in. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Segue Myles Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 This is funny? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disembodied Spirit Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 “I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.” “A woman told her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor said, ‘It’s old age.’ The woman said, ‘I want a second opinion. ‘The doctor says, ‘OK, you’re ugly as well.’” 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowdogged Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 This is funny?In my opinion it is. Some of the most popular comedians today tell similar type jokes. ( Jimmy Carr, Amy Schumer). If you think that you know what funny is then I welcome you to come and play the Captions game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowdogged Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 Not my kind of thing, so I can't offer anything useful. I think if it's too crude, you'll turn lots of people off, or worse, bore them. I have watched some stand-up stuff that I couldn't even be offended by, because it was just dull - the lack of subtlety left nothing to for me to work with, nothing for my imagination to find any humor in.These Jokes were written purely with the Nasty Show in mind. I guess that you have never seen the nasty show. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
That One Guy Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 not mine: If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France? What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles? Electricity. My friend used to work at the sperm bank. Got fired for drinking on the job.I want more Adam jokes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucas Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 A 7 year old girl walks in when her Mom is in the shower .. Eyes wide open, the little girl says "Mommy, Mommy, what is THAT ?" Mom says "Oh, darling, that's Mommy's vagina" The girl then says "When will I get THAT ??" Mom replies "Maybe when you are 13 or 14" The next day, the little girl walks in on her Dad in the shower . . . "Daddy, Daddy, what is THAT ??" she asks Dad says "This is Daddy's penis" "Ohh" she says ... Then the little girl asks "When will I get THAT ???" Dad replies "As soon as your Mother leaves for the store" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J2112YYZ Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 None of that came across as particularly funny to me. Of course in comedy it's all about how you deliver the lines. What looks bad on paper can really kill if delivered properly. I'm sure even George Carlin's material didn't always look all that special on paper.Thanks for the feedback! When I was writing the jokes, I was imagining Jimmy Carr telling them. Writing stand up is no easy task. They can't go into the studio like a musician and rewrite and flesh everything out and record it once it's done. Comedians write the stuff and then try it out for the first time in front of a live audience. They have no way of knowing what will work and what won't ahead of time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowdogged Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 None of that came across as particularly funny to me. Of course in comedy it's all about how you deliver the lines. What looks bad on paper can really kill if delivered properly. I'm sure even George Carlin's material didn't always look all that special on paper.Thanks for the feedback! When I was writing the jokes, I was imagining Jimmy Carr telling them. Writing stand up is no easy task. They can't go into the studio like a musician and rewrite and flesh everything out and record it once it's done. Comedians write the stuff and then try it out for the first time in front of a live audience. They have no way of knowing what will work and what won't ahead of time.I definitely realize that, and now I definitely realize that posting them here was probably not the best thing to do. I do think that at least 50% of these jokes would have went over well in a Nasty Show type environment. I know that I told my boss a few of the jokes and he laughed wholeheartedly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alph Seeker Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 None of that came across as particularly funny to me. Of course in comedy it's all about how you deliver the lines. What looks bad on paper can really kill if delivered properly. I'm sure even George Carlin's material didn't always look all that special on paper. Not only on paper. I recently watched the first SNL episode where Carlin hosted, or was the guest comedian or whatever. His delivery was weak. Of course, a few years later he was on fire. I saw him live and he gave a great delivery - very funny. If I had any criticism of him when in his prime it was that his voice and inflection was often the same. But that can work for a comedian so that the audience laughs even if a joke or line is not that funny in itself. Just look at Cosby lately (aside from the criminal aspect, I mean). Saw him live and on Fallon - didn't find all of his lines/material funny, but the Coz delivery made people laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Analog Grownup Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Some of it made me laugh and some of it didn't. :) 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MMCXII Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 “I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.” “A woman told her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor said, ‘It’s old age.’ The woman said, ‘I want a second opinion. ‘The doctor says, ‘OK, you’re ugly as well.’” These are good! ..and with that avatar pic you kinda managed to get three jokes in there lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MMCXII Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) As for the OP I like most of your stuff there but if you're open to criticism then I'd rewrite a couple of those with different wording. As a huge George Carlin and Mitch Hedberg fan, I've come to appreciate the way things are worded or spoken because it often makes all the difference. Hedberg was a master at this! Even if a joke bombed he'd say something like,"ok that joke's gonna be good because I'm going to take out all the words and add new words.." and gets a big laugh with that lol or: "Dogs are forever in the pushup position..".. *silence"Ok that jokes dumb, I'm aware of that.." and the audience roars with laughter lol k now I seem to be on a Mitch tangent so I'll wrap up by saying Good job and keep it up! Edited August 12, 2015 by MMCXII 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Digital Man Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 As for the OP I like most of your stuff there but if you're open to criticism then I'd rewrite a couple of those with different wording. As a huge George Carlin and Mitch Hedberg fan, I've come to appreciate the way things are worded or spoken because it often makes all the difference. Hedberg was a master at this! Even if a joke bombed he'd say something like,"ok that joke's gonna be good because I'm going to take out all the words and add new words.." and gets a big laugh with that lolor: "Dogs are forever in the pushup position..".. *silence"Ok that jokes dumb, I'm aware of that.." and the audience roars with laughter lol k now I seem to be on a Mitch tangent so I'll wrap up by saying Good job and keep it up! Hedberg was awesome!!! His delivery was classic. One of his first live recorded specials was going very badly and he just sat on the steps on stage that were part of the set and did the rest of show sitting down, which kind of made it funnier. It was just a bad audience, he was funny. He has a joke about a stoplight and a banana and how their colors can each tell you what to do. Stoplight: Green means go, yellow means slow down With a banana it's the opposite: Green means whoa slow down, yellow means go ahead and eat it, red means 'where the f**k did you get that banana?' Every once in a while I see red bananas in the grocery store and I laugh every time. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J2112YYZ Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Mitch Hedberg was great. When you talk about how the delivery makes a joke, he is the best example you can give. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grep Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) A lot of it is in the delivery. For example. Three blind mice. See how they run. Where the f**k are they goin? Looks meh in text. But Dice's delivery was spot on.-----------As I've gotten older i find that I like social humor more than dirty humor - and where they cross over is the best!! Like, young me loved Dice, Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor. Today me.... George Carlin. Later Carlin with the political and social stuff. Edited August 12, 2015 by grep Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimsonmistymemory Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) My friend and I were outdoors drinking some beer one lovely Florida eveningMy fiend happend to notice there was a dog across the way lickng its self you know where,My friend says " Man I wish I could do that"I said " I don't know but I think that dog would bite the hell out of you!" TaDum :laughing guy: Edited August 12, 2015 by Crimsonmistymemory 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimsonmistymemory Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Did you here about the Prostitute that couldn't spell?She spent all night in a Warehouse! TaDum :laughing guy: 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimsonmistymemory Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) My friend came into work yesterday with the worst hang overI said man you look like you had a rough nightHe said "I got so wasted last night when I got home I blew chunks"I said oh you got real sick?He said "No you don't understand Chunks is my dog"!! TaDum :laughing guy: Edited August 12, 2015 by Crimsonmistymemory 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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