I think I finally found my major malfunction.

[fraroc]

I've known for years that I have depression and anxiety. Those two seemed pretty obvious to me from the get go. Stemming from my experiences with peer pressure and bullying in high school, many things get me into bad moods and I've been dealing with thoughts of suicide on and off for years. My anxiety manifests itself mostly in hypochondria. I'm always convincing myself whenever I get a cold that I'm dying of some untreatable and terminal disease. I have friends, but for some reason, I still suffer from a small amount of social anxiety around them.

 

However, I think my problems extend way farther than that....I've gained sort of a negative reputation on the internet, I always seem to be the kind of person that loves pissing people off by saying stupid shit and acting like an immature baby. You an write me off as nothing more than just a troll, but.....whatever.

 

After doing a little bit of Google-fu, I really am beginning to believe that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD. Reading through some of the symptoms of BPD, they fit me to a T.

 

 

"Because some people with severe BPD have brief psychotic episodes, experts originally thought of this illness as atypical, or borderline, versions of other mental disorders. While mental health experts now generally agree that the name "borderline personality disorder" is misleading, a more accurate term does not exist yet.

Most people who have BPD suffer from:

• Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts
  
• Impulsive and reckless behavior
  
• Unstable relationships with other people.
  

People with this disorder also have high rates of co-occurring disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders, along with self-harm, suicidal behaviors, and completed suicides."

 

All of the things I highlighted, I've done to other people....and to myself. I treat everyone like shit, I always speak before I think, and I don't think I have any stable relationships with anyone, not even my own mother who I love dearly. I've self harmed a few times, and thought about committing suicide many times.

[Despite the usual therapy shit, there really isn't any way to treat BPD yet that's been approved by the FDA. Regular depression medications like Zoloft or Prozac will usually treat some of the symptoms, but not the main cause...

 

There is not a day that goes by where I don't wish I was a different person, that I had a normal functioning brain and didn't say or do stupid things because of it. I honestly look at my username everyday, those six f***ing letters F-R-A-R-O-C without thinking about all of the stupid shit I've said to people over the years both on the internet and in real life, how I've annoyed and even hurt so many people before, how I know that I can never take it back...The sites I've been banned from due to my shitty actiojns, CoasterCrazy, KISSfaq....I want to be a different person. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't want to be fraroc anymore. I don't want to even be Francesco anymore. I just....hate myself so much....I deserve nothing but disdain for my actions.

Edited July 14, 2015 by fraroc

[EagleMoon]

I'll tell you right now that people are going to think you're looking for attention to post this on here. I understand where you're coming from though and I think if you could find a good therapist it would do you a world of good. It just sounds like you need to get a lot of emotions out in the open and having someone to talk to helps a lot.

[1-0-0-1-0-0-1]

I've known for years that I have depression and anxiety. Those two seemed pretty obvious to me from the get go. Stemming from my experiences with peer pressure and bullying in high school, many things get me into bad moods and I've been dealing with thoughts of suicide on and off for years. My anxiety manifests itself mostly in hypochondria. I'm always convincing myself whenever I get a cold that I'm dying of some untreatable and terminal disease. I have friends, but for some reason, I still suffer from a small amount of social anxiety around them.

 

However, I think my problems extend way farther than that....I've gained sort of a negative reputation on the internet, I always seem to be the kind of person that loves pissing people off by saying stupid shit and acting like an immature baby. You an write me off as nothing more than just a troll, but.....whatever.

 

After doing a little bit of Google-fu, I really am beginning to believe that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD. Reading through some of the symptoms of BPD, they fit me to a T.

 

 

"Because some people with severe BPD have brief psychotic episodes, experts originally thought of this illness as atypical, or borderline, versions of other mental disorders. While mental health experts now generally agree that the name "borderline personality disorder" is misleading, a more accurate term does not exist yet.

Most people who have BPD suffer from:

• Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts
  
• Impulsive and reckless behavior
  
• Unstable relationships with other people.
  

People with this disorder also have high rates of co-occurring disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders, along with self-harm, suicidal behaviors, and completed suicides."

 

All of the things I highlighted, I've done to other people....and to myself. I treat everyone like shit, I always speak before I think, and I don't think I have any stable relationships with anyone, not even my own mother who I love dearly. I've self harmed a few times, and thought about committing suicide many times.

[Despite the usual therapy shit, there really isn't any way to treat BPD yet that's been approved by the FDA. Regular depression medications like Zoloft or Prozac will usually treat some of the symptoms, but not the main cause...

 

There is not a day that goes by where I don't wish I was a different person, that I had a normal functioning brain and didn't say or do stupid things because of it. I honestly look at my username everyday, those six f***ing letters F-R-A-R-O-C without thinking about all of the stupid shit I've said to people over the years both on the internet and in real life, how I've annoyed and even hurt so many people before, how I know that I can never take it back...The sites I've been banned from due to my shitty actiojns, CoasterCrazy, KISSfaq....I want to be a different person. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't want to be fraroc anymore. I don't want to even be Francesco anymore. I just....hate myself so much....I deserve nothing but disdain for my actions.

 

It's easy to think, "I've got this and that wrong with me," and start Googling stuff and finding things that "match" different disorders (there are so many now, with a convenient side effects-laden drug to go with each of them), and it can get overwhelming. Perhaps a better course of action, as EagleMoon suggested, is to find a therapist who can help you far better than Google can.

 

For right now, I don't think SOCN is the place for you. It's obvious that you're not in a mode where you can debate rationally in there. That place is not good for you, so I'm going to take away your access for a while. Feel free to hang on the rest of the board, but try and RELAX and have some fun. Talk about Rush and other bands -- and do it without judging others if their tastes don't match yours. Listen to Frankie Goes to Hollywood...RELAX.

[Maverick]

FWIW, no one in SOCN remotely dislikes you. We are actually a very caring and understanding bunch who have a twisted-ass sense of humor. We are here to help you chill out, as best we can. You should just realize that no one there thinks or believes the bad things about you that you might think we do.

 

Please don't go away. You are a good person, and you are a Rush fan. The world needs more folks like you.

[Mystic Rythm]

I've known for years that I have depression and anxiety. Those two seemed pretty obvious to me from the get go. Stemming from my experiences with peer pressure and bullying in high school, many things get me into bad moods and I've been dealing with thoughts of suicide on and off for years. My anxiety manifests itself mostly in hypochondria. I'm always convincing myself whenever I get a cold that I'm dying of some untreatable and terminal disease. I have friends, but for some reason, I still suffer from a small amount of social anxiety around them.

 

However, I think my problems extend way farther than that....I've gained sort of a negative reputation on the internet, I always seem to be the kind of person that loves pissing people off by saying stupid shit and acting like an immature baby. You an write me off as nothing more than just a troll, but.....whatever.

 

After doing a little bit of Google-fu, I really am beginning to believe that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD. Reading through some of the symptoms of BPD, they fit me to a T.

 

 

"Because some people with severe BPD have brief psychotic episodes, experts originally thought of this illness as atypical, or borderline, versions of other mental disorders. While mental health experts now generally agree that the name "borderline personality disorder" is misleading, a more accurate term does not exist yet.

Most people who have BPD suffer from:

• Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts
  
• Impulsive and reckless behavior
  
• Unstable relationships with other people.
  

People with this disorder also have high rates of co-occurring disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders, along with self-harm, suicidal behaviors, and completed suicides."

 

All of the things I highlighted, I've done to other people....and to myself. I treat everyone like shit, I always speak before I think, and I don't think I have any stable relationships with anyone, not even my own mother who I love dearly. I've self harmed a few times, and thought about committing suicide many times.

[Despite the usual therapy shit, there really isn't any way to treat BPD yet that's been approved by the FDA. Regular depression medications like Zoloft or Prozac will usually treat some of the symptoms, but not the main cause...

 

There is not a day that goes by where I don't wish I was a different person, that I had a normal functioning brain and didn't say or do stupid things because of it. I honestly look at my username everyday, those six f***ing letters F-R-A-R-O-C without thinking about all of the stupid shit I've said to people over the years both on the internet and in real life, how I've annoyed and even hurt so many people before, how I know that I can never take it back...The sites I've been banned from due to my shitty actiojns, CoasterCrazy, KISSfaq....I want to be a different person. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't want to be fraroc anymore. I don't want to even be Francesco anymore. I just....hate myself so much....I deserve nothing but disdain for my actions.

 

 

You seem to recognize the things that bring negativity into your life. And you will always feel as though you have no control over anything as long as you see yourself as a victim of circumstances. There are those who let others dictate their identity and then there are those who form their identity. I am a Christian and in so I have found my identity in Christ. He has shown me that no-one else in this world can be me. Therefore I have something to offer that cannot be duplicated by another person. It's like I tell my son and daughter, be you because the world needs you to fill a spot that cannot ever be filled by anyone else. Christ can open your eyes, ears and heart to who you truly are and your purpose. Contrary to what you feel and think, there are a lot of people whose lives can be touched and even changed for the better just by knowing you. We make impressions every day in others lives. If you wake up every day and believe you are the negative things that have been expressed to you as a result of your actions then guess what? You will continue to do the same things that bring about negative responses. Wherever the heart goes the man will follow. And it starts in the mind. When you believe you are a good person and have something to offer to the world that not a single other person can offer, it changes how you relate to others. So you made mistakes and said things you wish you hadn't Who hasn"t?????? Forgive yourself. We all make mistakes as we grow and mature. How sad is it to let a short time of your life completely control and determine the larger part that you have left? Unforgiveness of others is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies from it. Unforgiveness of one's self prevents one from moving beyond who that see them self as.

 

In my church we have Freedom Prayer that allows those seeds, planted by the the things we believe as a truth that are actually a lie, to be found and uprooted by Christ. Seeds are planted by what we believe from experiences and even by what others do and say. We don't know why we do the things we do until, through prayer, we follow the fruit back to the tree and eventually to the seed that started it all. Your negative actions are just a fruit of something deeper. Find the root and you find the seed.

 

And listen closely Fraroc, suicide never solved anything. There are no answers to your issues that can be overcome by stopping that life process. Overcoming them gives you a testimony to help the world be a better place. You can't do that six feet under.

Find your testimony Fraroc and help make this world a better place. :)

[x1yyz]

We are actually a very caring and understanding bunch

 

 

Please don't go away. You are a good person, and you are a Rush fan. The world needs more folks like you.

 

Ditto. So you're not perfect. None of us are. But what matters is you want to work on the parts of you that aren't perfect, and that's more than most people can claim. I wish you all the best, and I encourage you to post more about your journey if you'd like more support. (So what if you're posting to get attention. Aren't we all?)

[Ancient Ways]

Understanding your issues is the first step I suppose. As the boss said, seek a professional diagnosis and treatment.

[blueschica]

It sounds like you have been able to look at yourself and notice some things, which is a great first step! Props to you for noticing behavior patterns and wanting to change them. Try not to beat yourself up too much. Getting through adult life is hard, even for those with "normal functioning brains" as you say, (and after being around 50+ years I'm not convinced there is such a thing.) A friend once told me that people who look like they are getting through life easily have done mountains and mountains of work to get there, social/emotional/educational work. I think that's pretty true. Can you talk to your mom about maybe seeing a therapist? I don't know your age, but if you work or she works, a lot of employers have health benefits where you can see a counselor for like 3 or 4 free sessions. Your county should have a mental health office, too, that has information about their counseling services that are often low cost or no charge.

 

Most important, is there someone you can talk to just as a friend? Your mom, a co worker, neighborhood friend, girlfriend, pastor, family doctor or someone like that? They would be really good to turn to also to get some feedback and encouragement as you start on this. Good luck and keep us posted as to how things are going :)

[Babycat]

fraroc - if I could give you a hug, I would.

[Freddy Lee]

Fraroc-

 

My man. I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Your story is massive. I had a rough life, too. Believe me. I see your depression as a topic quite a bit unfortunately. And listen, we're all here for you. I'm here for you. And if we're not enough, talk to someone. A close relative, a good friend of yours, even a therapist may be nice! Or get your mind off this doing other things! Listen to some Rush! Ride a bike! Volunteer! The list goes on and on. Furthermore, breathe happy, be confident, and stay Freddy! :)

[Chicken hawk]

That's what i do...like Freddy Lee said. I ride my bike... I live in the country but close enough to the ocean i can bring it down there. There's something about the ocean that is very calming.

 

Here's another Hug Fraroc !

:)

[Rod in Toronto]

Hang in there buddy. I think your post is a way of reaching out, and a huge step in terms of improving. As many others said, I think therapy will help you immensely. It will help you find out what will make you feel better: medication, sports, charity work, religion, facing your fears...these are all different recipes, and only digging deep into your problems will give you an indication of which one will fit you better. My mother has struggled with depression her whole life, and she´s been on medication for a long while now. This has of course had a serious impact in my upbringing and my sister´s too. I´ve been doing therapy consistently since 2011, and it has helped me both in my personal relationships and in my career.

[Tony R]

nm Edited July 15, 2015 by Tony R

[fraroc]

nm

 

If you had a set of balls, you would say what you wanted to say to me.

[ILSnwdog]

You've acknowledged that you have problem. Now do something about it and get professional help. You don't need to suffer through life.

[Maverick]

nm

 

If you had a set of balls, you would say what you wanted to say to me.

 

You're such a keyboard warrior!

 

Please lighten up.

[Union 5-3992]

nm

 

If you had a set of balls, you would say what you wanted to say to me.

Be careful what you wish for

[fraroc]

I think I'm too lost to be saved.

[blueschica]

I think I'm too lost to be saved.

 

A lot of people have reached out to you here with some excellent advice; I hope you are able to take a little bit of it in and use it. I don't think anyone is too lost to be saved but in the end it is just you that will have to make the decision to reach out for help somehow. Take care.

[Freddy Lee]

Nvm Edited July 17, 2015 by Freddy Lee

[Tony R]

nm

 

If you had a set of balls, you would say what you wanted to say to me.

 

If you had a set of balls they'd be dangling over your nose...

 

 

I was going to give you some advice but decided that you'd just ignore it so deleted.

 

As for having the balls, well I'm pretty certain that I haven't held back before so what do you even mean by that?

 

[fraroc]

nm

 

If you had a set of balls, you would say what you wanted to say to me.

 

If you had a set of balls they'd be dangling over your nose...

 

 

I was going to give you some advice but decided that you'd just ignore it so deleted.

 

As for having the balls, well I'm pretty certain that I haven't held back before so what do you even mean by that?

 

I highly doubt that you wanted to give me "advice".

 

Knowing you, you probably made a really insensitive and douchey comment and then you back-pedaled in order to cover your own ass.

[troutman]

nm

 

If you had a set of balls, you would say what you wanted to say to me.

 

If you had a set of balls they'd be dangling over your nose...

 

 

I was going to give you some advice but decided that you'd just ignore it so deleted.

 

As for having the balls, well I'm pretty certain that I haven't held back before so what do you even mean by that?

 

I highly doubt that you wanted to give me "advice".

 

Knowing you, you probably made a really insensitive and douchey comment and then you back-pedaled in order to cover your own ass.

 

Dude,

 

Really? Most of your comments are douchey or some thing like that. Look in the mirror once in a while. ;)

[Turbine Freight]

The trouble with fraroc is that he's caught between two stalls. He can't decide if his anger stems from Caliban's rage at seeing his own face in a glass, or Caliban's rage at not seeing his own face in a glass.

 

Until he straightens that out for himself, he's going to struggle on here, especially in SOCN.

[Crimsonmistymemory]

Recognition is 1/2 the battle. One cannot correct a problem if they themselves are unaware there is a problem. Find therapy and above all try and use your energy on focusing on what is right about things as opposed to what is wrong with everything. I have mentioned to you before the power that positive energy has. Yes I realize these things I speak of are more often easier said than done and that is where therapy comes in. Be safe and be positive and as Shakespear said so long ago "Too thine own self be true" Edited July 17, 2015 by Crimsonmistymemory