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#1 Narps

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Posted 17 September 2014 - 03:28 PM

I have been thinking alot about my parents and my own parenting lately. Since I have been spending much more large chunks of time with my 76 year old mother and 80 year old father lately some interesting things have happened and I am curious if anyone has experienced this as well or has any thoughts regarding the subject in general. I am not going to bore you will how great my upbringing was but with an interesting phenomena that has occurred recently between they and I. I have gotten to know them as "people" recently and not just as my parents. I have asked many questions about how they feel about different things (politics, religion, life, death, love, marriage etc) and things from their upbringings.
One specific conversation I had with my father just about floored me. He is a physicist and a man of science obviously so I asked him about God and his belief and how most folks like him need proof. I went into the discussions we have around here about believers and non believers and everything in between. My parents are super religious, tithe and the whole nine yards and always have. My father said to me first that you can't prove there isn't a God just like you can't prove there is one. Then he said to me so matter of fact "well I guess you could say I am somewhere between an agnostic and a believer". I was like :eh: . He said if I turn out to be correct I go to heaven as promised and if I am wrong I have lost nothing. I never would have heard or believed it had I not asked.

These thoughts and thread  are in no way trying to spur on any religious discussion or I would have landed it elsewhere. I was just curious if anyone has any thoughts or stories of their own about knowing or "really knowing" your own parents or the person or persons who raised you.


If you read through all of this I really appreciate you're patience and attention anyway.... :D

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#2 Turbine Freight

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Posted 17 September 2014 - 03:50 PM

I totally agree. As you get older yourself you see your parents as people in their own right & not just "mum & dad". You also understand just how much they have sacrificed to raise you.

Before my dad died, I had many talks with him about things that I never would have raised previously. And what's more, I learnt a hell of a lot.

I talk to my mum as much as I can now, because I find I need to know what she's about & who she really is before it's too late.

I don't know if that makes sense.

#3 Narps

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Posted 17 September 2014 - 03:53 PM

View PostTurbine Freight, on 17 September 2014 - 03:50 PM, said:

I totally agree. As you get older yourself you see your parents as people in their own right & not just "mum & dad". You also understand just how much they have sacrificed to raise you.

Before my dad died, I had many talks with him about things that I never would have raised previously. And what's more, I learnt a hell of a lot.

I talk to my mum as much as I can now, because I find I need to know what she's about & who she really is before it's too late.

I don't know if that makes sense.
Perfect sense. It probably also has something to do with mortality I would think. The next time I see them could be the last for any number of reasons....

#4 Lorraine

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Posted 17 September 2014 - 03:56 PM

Quote

My father said to me first that you can't prove there isn't a God just like you can't prove there is one. Then he said to me so matter of fact "well I guess you could say I am somewhere between an agnostic and a believer". I was like . He said if I turn out to be correct I go to heaven as promised and if I am wrong I have lost nothing.

I think they call that "Pascal's Wager".  :)

#5 KennyLee

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Posted 17 September 2014 - 03:58 PM

My parents are kinda into their own lives. It's sad but, I'm am the black sheep (middle child) and we don't really talk much. My dad will call but it's mostly his obligatory call because (I think) his wife tells him to call. My mom feigns interest but I think is happier living her own life away from me. She likes to be thought of as a great parent or grandparent but doesn't want to actually be either. Just wants the reputation.

My point, I don't really know them well at all.  :huh:

#6 ILSnwdog

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Posted 17 September 2014 - 04:13 PM

My parents aren't very deep, so we don't have too many intellectual conversations.   But now that I'm an adult and I have given them grandchildren, our relationship has really changed.  My mom is no longer this over bearing control freak.  Now she is so afraid that I won't include her in our lives, she no longer put her nose in any of my business.  It's so much easier being around now than it was when I was a teen.  :lol:

#7 Narps

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Posted 17 September 2014 - 04:36 PM

View PostLorraine, on 17 September 2014 - 03:56 PM, said:

Quote

My father said to me first that you can't prove there isn't a God just like you can't prove there is one. Then he said to me so matter of fact "well I guess you could say I am somewhere between an agnostic and a believer". I was like . He said if I turn out to be correct I go to heaven as promised and if I am wrong I have lost nothing.

I think they call that "Pascal's Wager".  :)
Well they are all in with their own money.... :)

#8 Janie

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Posted 17 September 2014 - 04:43 PM

Great thread Narp. :) I've enjoyed reading everyone's responses. I like to imagine that things would have been similar to your experience Narp. Unfortunately, I lost both parents when I was in my 20s. They did get to meet my husband but never see or hold their grandchildren. I think what I would have wanted most, is for my kids to have met my parents and to see what my mom and dad would have been like with these little ones? Would they have been goofy, serious...

#9 Narps

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Posted 17 September 2014 - 05:09 PM

View PostJanie, on 17 September 2014 - 04:43 PM, said:

Great thread Narp. :) I've enjoyed reading everyone's responses. I like to imagine that things would have been similar to your experience Narp. Unfortunately, I lost both parents when I was in my 20s. They did get to meet my husband but never see or hold their grandchildren. I think what I would have wanted most, is for my kids to have met my parents and to see what my mom and dad would have been like with these little ones? Would they have been goofy, serious...
My mothers parents both died young and I have only vague memories of them. Happy ones but vague. My fathers parents lived into their mid 80's so I knew and got to spend some wonderful time with them especially towards the end of their lives. They were married over 60 years and died in separate hospitals 1 day apart :heart: so my father buried them together and I was able to go to south Texas to the funeral. Like I have said before I have been blessed with some great people in my life to learn from and hopefully am living up to their high standards. I would never want to do anything to embarrass them.... :)

#10 x1yyz

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Posted 17 September 2014 - 05:11 PM

My parents are 82 & 83, and thankfully in good health.  But every day that goes by I know they are closer to going away, and I am going to be a basketcase when that happens.  So in the meantime I do try to see them as often as I can, and it just so happens I'm having dinner with them tonight.

Like ILS, my parents aren't that deep either.  And I grew up not knowing that it was good to talk about feelings and emotions; those are things I've had to learn, and since my parents don't do much of that it sort of limits some of the discussions we have.  But I connect with them as much as is possible.

My mother's parents died a few weeks apart back when she was just ten years old.  I once said something to her about it being unfortunate that she never really got to know her mom, and she replied that she knew her quite well.  But I think back to my relationship with my mom and just how much that changed from when I was 10 to 20 and even now...there's no comparison, really.  Now my parents are more like friends than they are the authority figures they were when I was a child.

#11 bluefox4000

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Posted 17 September 2014 - 05:11 PM

I have lived with my parents my entire life.....because of my condition......there's really no other choice.  I know them very well as people cause well......i'm always here.  We've had many discussions about well......everything.  they are  2 of the finest people i know simply because they've let me grow into my own views on my own.  They had many opportunities  to influence me yet they have not.  Just to use an example my entire family is deeply religious.....save for me.  Yet they never once got angry when i said i was an atheist and that religion was no longer making me happy.  the point of all this is that my parents and i have a very open and healthy relationship.

Mick

Edited by bluefox4000, 17 September 2014 - 05:12 PM.


#12 Narps

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Posted 17 September 2014 - 05:29 PM

View Postbluefox4000, on 17 September 2014 - 05:11 PM, said:

I have lived with my parents my entire life.....because of my condition......there's really no other choice.  I know them very well as people cause well......i'm always here.  We've had many discussions about well......everything.  they are  2 of the finest people i know simply because they've let me grow into my own views on my own.  They had many opportunities  to influence me yet they have not.  Just to use an example my entire family is deeply religious.....save for me.  Yet they never once got angry when i said i was an atheist and that religion was no longer making me happy.  the point of all this is that my parents and i have a very open and healthy relationship.

Mick
Even as religious as my parents always have been they have never said word one about me not going to church or raising my children that way. I am pretty sure they see their beliefs as personal and wanted me and my siblings exposed to it growing up but after that its up to me. For the record I am eternally grateful for the exposure. I learned many valuable lessons that are still part of me today. ...

#13 bluefox4000

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Posted 17 September 2014 - 05:51 PM

View PostNarpski, on 17 September 2014 - 05:29 PM, said:

View Postbluefox4000, on 17 September 2014 - 05:11 PM, said:

I have lived with my parents my entire life.....because of my condition......there's really no other choice.  I know them very well as people cause well......i'm always here.  We've had many discussions about well......everything.  they are  2 of the finest people i know simply because they've let me grow into my own views on my own.  They had many opportunities  to influence me yet they have not.  Just to use an example my entire family is deeply religious.....save for me.  Yet they never once got angry when i said i was an atheist and that religion was no longer making me happy.  the point of all this is that my parents and i have a very open and healthy relationship.

Mick
Even as religious as my parents always have been they have never said word one about me not going to church or raising my children that way. I am pretty sure they see their beliefs as personal and wanted me and my siblings exposed to it growing up but after that its up to me. For the record I am eternally grateful for the exposure. I learned many valuable lessons that are still part of me today. ...

I had my share too.  Went to church......read the entire bible and made my decision.  I was scared to tell them.  with the horror reaction stories you hear.  but they were very understanding.

Mick

#14 Narps

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Posted 17 September 2014 - 05:55 PM

View Postbluefox4000, on 17 September 2014 - 05:51 PM, said:

View PostNarpski, on 17 September 2014 - 05:29 PM, said:

View Postbluefox4000, on 17 September 2014 - 05:11 PM, said:

I have lived with my parents my entire life.....because of my condition......there's really no other choice.  I know them very well as people cause well......i'm always here.  We've had many discussions about well......everything.  they are  2 of the finest people i know simply because they've let me grow into my own views on my own.  They had many opportunities  to influence me yet they have not.  Just to use an example my entire family is deeply religious.....save for me.  Yet they never once got angry when i said i was an atheist and that religion was no longer making me happy.  the point of all this is that my parents and i have a very open and healthy relationship.

Mick
Even as religious as my parents always have been they have never said word one about me not going to church or raising my children that way. I am pretty sure they see their beliefs as personal and wanted me and my siblings exposed to it growing up but after that its up to me. For the record I am eternally grateful for the exposure. I learned many valuable lessons that are still part of me today. ...

I had my share too.  Went to church......read the entire bible and made my decision.  I was scared to tell them.  with the horror reaction stories you hear.  but they were very understanding.

Mick
They sound like wonderful folks and you are fortunate to have them..... :codger:

#15 Blue J

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Posted 17 September 2014 - 07:22 PM

View PostKennyLee, on 17 September 2014 - 03:58 PM, said:

My parents are kinda into their own lives. It's sad but, I'm am the black sheep (middle child) and we don't really talk much. My dad will call but it's mostly his obligatory call because (I think) his wife tells him to call. My mom feigns interest but I think is happier living her own life away from me. She likes to be thought of as a great parent or grandparent but doesn't want to actually be either. Just wants the reputation.

My point, I don't really know them well at all.  :huh:

My relationship with my parents is a lot like this. I will say that I have some good conversations with my dad sometimes, and that has only started in the past few years (I'm 41as of this writing). But I only go to his house about twice a year, and he comes to mine once a year (and we live 20 minutes apart).

Neither of my parents are all that much into being grandparents, and they do their own thing. My mother and stepfather travel pretty much all the time, and that's their thing. I see them about three times a year.

The saddest thing is that they'll be gone before I know it, and I don't even know if I'm going to notice. :huh:

I suppose I shouldn't say that because I'm not in that situation yet, but that's kind of how I feel now.

#16 KennyLee

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Posted 18 September 2014 - 07:49 AM

View PostBlue J, on 17 September 2014 - 07:22 PM, said:

View PostKennyLee, on 17 September 2014 - 03:58 PM, said:

My parents are kinda into their own lives. It's sad but, I'm am the black sheep (middle child) and we don't really talk much. My dad will call but it's mostly his obligatory call because (I think) his wife tells him to call. My mom feigns interest but I think is happier living her own life away from me. She likes to be thought of as a great parent or grandparent but doesn't want to actually be either. Just wants the reputation.

My point, I don't really know them well at all.  :huh:

My relationship with my parents is a lot like this. I will say that I have some good conversations with my dad sometimes, and that has only started in the past few years (I'm 41as of this writing). But I only go to his house about twice a year, and he comes to mine once a year (and we live 20 minutes apart).

Neither of my parents are all that much into being grandparents, and they do their own thing. My mother and stepfather travel pretty much all the time, and that's their thing. I see them about three times a year.

The saddest thing is that they'll be gone before I know it, and I don't even know if I'm going to notice. :huh:

I suppose I shouldn't say that because I'm not in that situation yet, but that's kind of how I feel now.

Wow. What I just read could have been something I wrote. That was weird.

The saddest thing is that they'll be gone before I know it, and I don't even know if I'm going to notice. :huh:

That kind of sums it up for me, too. My dad will call and I will genuinely be excited to tell him something and as I start telling the story I hear, "Well, that's great, that's great. Alright, I'll talk to you later."  

For him it's more about him calling than it is actually talking to me.

For the record, I'm 43 years old, been playing out in clubs since I was 17 and neither my mom or dad have ever seen me play bass and sing on a stage. Weird.

Edited by KennyLee, 18 September 2014 - 08:15 AM.


#17 Tombstone Mountain

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Posted 18 September 2014 - 07:57 AM

View Postbluefox4000, on 17 September 2014 - 05:51 PM, said:

View PostNarpski, on 17 September 2014 - 05:29 PM, said:

View Postbluefox4000, on 17 September 2014 - 05:11 PM, said:

I have lived with my parents my entire life.....because of my condition......there's really no other choice.  I know them very well as people cause well......i'm always here.  We've had many discussions about well......everything.  they are  2 of the finest people i know simply because they've let me grow into my own views on my own.  They had many opportunities  to influence me yet they have not.  Just to use an example my entire family is deeply religious.....save for me.  Yet they never once got angry when i said i was an atheist and that religion was no longer making me happy.  the point of all this is that my parents and i have a very open and healthy relationship.

Mick
Even as religious as my parents always have been they have never said word one about me not going to church or raising my children that way. I am pretty sure they see their beliefs as personal and wanted me and my siblings exposed to it growing up but after that its up to me. For the record I am eternally grateful for the exposure. I learned many valuable lessons that are still part of me today. ...

I had my share too.  Went to church......read the entire bible and made my decision.  I was scared to tell them.  with the horror reaction stories you hear.  but they were very understanding.

Mick
But isn't ironic you're now a fan of "Church", that most excellent song by Mr. Lyle Lovett. What a great story. Probably makes you wanna eat beans and cornbread too!

Edited by Tombstone Mountain, 18 September 2014 - 07:58 AM.


#18 Tombstone Mountain

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Posted 18 September 2014 - 08:01 AM

View PostKennyLee, on 18 September 2014 - 07:49 AM, said:

View PostBlue J, on 17 September 2014 - 07:22 PM, said:

View PostKennyLee, on 17 September 2014 - 03:58 PM, said:

My parents are kinda into their own lives. It's sad but, I'm am the black sheep (middle child) and we don't really talk much. My dad will call but it's mostly his obligatory call because (I think) his wife tells him to call. My mom feigns interest but I think is happier living her own life away from me. She likes to be thought of as a great parent or grandparent but doesn't want to actually be either. Just wants the reputation.

My point, I don't really know them well at all.  :huh:

My relationship with my parents is a lot like this. I will say that I have some good conversations with my dad sometimes, and that has only started in the past few years (I'm 41as of this writing). But I only go to his house about twice a year, and he comes to mine once a year (and we live 20 minutes apart).

Neither of my parents are all that much into being grandparents, and they do their own thing. My mother and stepfather travel pretty much all the time, and that's their thing. I see them about three times a year.

The saddest thing is that they'll be gone before I know it, and I don't even know if I'm going to notice. :huh:

I suppose I shouldn't say that because I'm not in that situation yet, but that's kind of how I feel now.

Wow. What I just read could have been something I wrote. That was weird.

The saddest thing is that they'll be gone before I know it, and I don't even know if I'm going to notice. :huh:

That kind of sums it up for me, too. My dad will call and I will genuinely be excited to tell him something and as I start telling the story I hear, "Well, that's great, that's great. Alright, I'll talk to you later."  

For him it's more about him calling than it is actually talking to me.

For the record, I'm 43 years old, been playing out in clubs since I was 17 and neither my mom or dad have ever seen me play bass and sing on a stage. Weird.
Dude, THEY'RE missing out because we know you're a great dad and family man! It's not you're fault.

#19 KennyLee

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Posted 18 September 2014 - 08:15 AM

Thanks TM. It doesn't bother me as much as it confuses me. My kids play hockey and I never miss a game. I couldn't imagine having a kid who actually has a little talent and not watch them even if it's not "my thing".

Hell, if my boys were good actors I'd go watch a play. Honest to God, a PLAY!

#20 Narps

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Posted 18 September 2014 - 08:54 AM

View PostKennyLee, on 18 September 2014 - 07:49 AM, said:

View PostBlue J, on 17 September 2014 - 07:22 PM, said:

View PostKennyLee, on 17 September 2014 - 03:58 PM, said:

My parents are kinda into their own lives. It's sad but, I'm am the black sheep (middle child) and we don't really talk much. My dad will call but it's mostly his obligatory call because (I think) his wife tells him to call. My mom feigns interest but I think is happier living her own life away from me. She likes to be thought of as a great parent or grandparent but doesn't want to actually be either. Just wants the reputation.

My point, I don't really know them well at all.  :huh:

My relationship with my parents is a lot like this. I will say that I have some good conversations with my dad sometimes, and that has only started in the past few years (I'm 41as of this writing). But I only go to his house about twice a year, and he comes to mine once a year (and we live 20 minutes apart).

Neither of my parents are all that much into being grandparents, and they do their own thing. My mother and stepfather travel pretty much all the time, and that's their thing. I see them about three times a year.

The saddest thing is that they'll be gone before I know it, and I don't even know if I'm going to notice. :huh:

I suppose I shouldn't say that because I'm not in that situation yet, but that's kind of how I feel now.

Wow. What I just read could have been something I wrote. That was weird.

The saddest thing is that they'll be gone before I know it, and I don't even know if I'm going to notice. :huh:

That kind of sums it up for me, too. My dad will call and I will genuinely be excited to tell him something and as I start telling the story I hear, "Well, that's great, that's great. Alright, I'll talk to you later."  

For him it's more about him calling than it is actually talking to me.

For the record, I'm 43 years old, been playing out in clubs since I was 17 and neither my mom or dad have ever seen me play bass and sing on a stage. Weird.
Good Lord... :(





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