How to be a Jerk Guitar Player in 10 Easy Steps

[Maverick]

I saw this video today, and it cracked me up. This guy's delivery is so dry and deadpan, and his observations are really spot on, as well.

 

 

And then these guys did a video podcast based on the first guy's video. The guy sitting on the left is Brian Wampler, owner of Wampler Pedals. They take all ten of Anthony's points and turn each into a longer discussion that is really funny.

 

 

In case you can't watch the the video, I'll write down the 10 steps so you can at least see what they are.

 

1) Use the guitar store as your personal stage. These stores exist for you to impress strangers. Go in and play as loud as you can, for as long as you can. You get bonus points for playing along with or soloing over someone else's playing.

 

2) Use budget as your standard. Whatever it is you can afford is what is best. Period. Less expensive gear (if you have a bigger budget) is cheap and crap. More expensive gear (if your budget is smaller) is for the cork-sniffer crowd, and a waste of money. There is no value to gear outside of your budget.

 

3) Put big name artists back in their place. Their fame and fortune is really just a house of cards. They need to be exposed as no talent hacks, and their fans need to be ridiculed for liking them.

 

4) Never give other guitar players compliments. Doing so only weakens your standing or portrays you as being not as good as they are. But if you have to give a compliment, wrap it in a back-handed negative statement. For example, you can tell someone that their soloing is really good for someone who only uses the pentatonic minor scale. Or you can tell someone their Strat sounds pretty good for being made in Mexico.

 

5) Believe your technique is right. Whether it is what you can actually play, or what you aspire to play like, that technique and level of proficiency is the best. Period. Are you, or do you aspire to be, a shredder? Then that is the gold standard. Everything else is boring, elementary, and populated by lesser talents who probably use their thumb to fret notes. Are you a blues cat? Then heavy metal shredders have no soul and play like robots.

 

6) Be competitive. Assume everyone is in competition with you. Play longer, louder, and faster than everyone else. Going to a workshop? Make it known at some point that you should probably be teaching it instead of the instructor. Going to a jam? Try to go up with weaker players so you can blast them and embarrass them with your awesomeness.

 

7) Always declare winners. Whether you are talking about guitars, amps, pedals, bands, guitarists, there is always one that is the greatest, ever. Pick that best one and prepare your arguments. When it comes to gear, the more you can talk about capacitors, PCB vs. Hand Wired, or country of construction, the more correct you will be. When it comes to bands and players, try to choose points to argue that you know you can't lose with. For example, if guitar player A was an influence for guitar player B, then guitar play A will always be better than guitar player B. Guitar player B wouldn't be who he is without guitar player A's influence, so guitar player A's superiority is cemented. Also with guitarists, if you can label someone as an innovator, as someone who changed or created a genre, then you automatically have a winner. This goes for bands as well. If they are the first to do something, then they are the best at it of all time. Never mind that someone else would have done it sooner or later. For these types of arguments, first = best. Then all you have to do is pick the first and you will always win.

 

8) Assume everything you watch was done specifically for you. This is a more modern way to be a jerk. It applies to online lessons, videos, concerts, etc. Just figure that whenever there is a video made for you to watch, the person who did it totally had pleasing only you in mind. That way, when it falls short of your expectations, you can criticize it to no end, and tell whoever made it exactly where they fell short. After all, it is about getting people to do things that you want, and the way you want it.

 

9) Believe your own hype. Compliments and praise of your playing is 100% objective, and 110% true. Anyone who is critical of your playing, or who dares offer your advice, is biased against you, totally subjective, and basically a jerk.

 

10) Never Help Anyone. You've worked hard to get where you are as a player. And, as step 6 above points out, guitar playing is a competition. So what you know is to be treated as a closely guarded secret. Do you have a neat little chord progression with some interesting substitutions you learned from a Joe Pass video? You'd better not share it, or everyone will be doing it soon. Did you spend hours and hours working on alternate bass Travis picking technique? It's probably best to play it off that it just came naturally to you, and if you can't pick it up in a couple of minutes, it's probably a lost cause.

Edited August 31, 2014 by Dr. Sheldon Cooper

[Your_Lion]

:laughing guy: Good advice

[Maverick]

Watch the two videos if you get the chance. They're hilarious!

[ThatLightInYourEyes]

:LMAO: Greatest guitar instructional vid I've ever seen. Thanks, Shel!

[The Analog Cub]

:LMAO:

[Moonlit Dreamer]

Very amusing; thank you for sharing, Dr. Cooper!

[Del_Duio]

"1) Use the guitar store as your personal stage. These stores exist for you to impress strangers. Go in and play as loud as you can, for as long as you can. You get bonus points for playing along with or soloing over someone else's playing."

 

Been noticing this for more than 20 years. Nothing better than the old Daddy's Junky Music right across the street from Berklee college of "Look at me!" :laughing guy:

[x1yyz]

Hahah!

 

And I think if you substitute the guitar scenario with TRF, you've just described Zumbi.

[Fordgalaxy]

I here Mike Portnoy is coming out with a drummer version of this.

[Maverick]

I here Mike Portnoy is coming out with a drummer version of this.

 

But his won't be a joke, right?

[Maverick]

Hahah!

 

And I think if you substitute the guitar scenario with TRF, you've just described Zumbi.

 

http://i1239.photobucket.com/albums/ff508/blackcc/GIFs/bazinga.gif

[KennyLee]

Hmm. It all kinda rang true. Was this satire??

 

[len(songs)]

Hahah!

 

And I think if you substitute the guitar scenario with TRF, you've just described Zumbi.

This is true

[briremo]

i came across that video while i was watching this dude

[Maverick]

Hmm. It all kinda rang true. Was this satire??

 

 

It was funny because it was true.

[KennyLee]

Hmm. It all kinda rang true. Was this satire??

 

 

It was funny because it was true.

 

I know. :D

[Virtualbob64]

I saw this video today, and it cracked me up. This guy's delivery is so dry and deadpan, and his observations are really spot on, as well.

 

 

And then these guys did a video podcast based on the first guy's video. The guy sitting on the left is Brian Wampler, owner of Wampler Pedals. They take all ten of Anthony's points and turn each into a longer discussion that is really funny.

 

 

In case you can't watch the the video, I'll write down the 10 steps so you can at least see what they are.

 

1) Use the guitar store as your personal stage. These stores exist for you to impress strangers. Go in and play as loud as you can, for as long as you can. You get bonus points for playing along with or soloing over someone else's playing.

 

2) Use budget as your standard. Whatever it is you can afford is what is best. Period. Less expensive gear (if you have a bigger budget) is cheap and crap. More expensive gear (if your budget is smaller) is for the cork-sniffer crowd, and a waste of money. There is no value to gear outside of your budget.

 

3) Put big name artists back in their place. Their fame and fortune is really just a house of cards. They need to be exposed as no talent hacks, and their fans need to be ridiculed for liking them.

 

4) Never give other guitar players compliments. Doing so only weakens your standing or portrays you as being not as good as they are. But if you have to give a compliment, wrap it in a back-handed negative statement. For example, you can tell someone that their soloing is really good for someone who only uses the pentatonic minor scale. Or you can tell someone their Strat sounds pretty good for being made in Mexico.

 

5) Believe your technique is right. Whether it is what you can actually play, or what you aspire to play like, that technique and level of proficiency is the best. Period. Are you, or do you aspire to be, a shredder? Then that is the gold standard. Everything else is boring, elementary, and populated by lesser talents who probably use their thumb to fret notes. Are you a blues cat? Then heavy metal shredders have no soul and play like robots.

 

6) Be competitive. Assume everyone is in competition with you. Play longer, louder, and faster than everyone else. Going to a workshop? Make it known at some point that you should probably be teaching it instead of the instructor. Going to a jam? Try to go up with weaker players so you can blast them and embarrass them with your awesomeness.

 

7) Always declare winners. Whether you are talking about guitars, amps, pedals, bands, guitarists, there is always one that is the greatest, ever. Pick that best one and prepare your arguments. When it comes to gear, the more you can talk about capacitors, PCB vs. Hand Wired, or country of construction, the more correct you will be. When it comes to bands and players, try to choose points to argue that you know you can't lose with. For example, if guitar player A was an influence for guitar player B, then guitar play A will always be better than guitar player B. Guitar player B wouldn't be who he is without guitar player A's influence, so guitar player A's superiority is cemented. Also with guitarists, if you can label someone as an innovator, as someone who changed or created a genre, then you automatically have a winner. This goes for bands as well. If they are the first to do something, then they are the best at it of all time. Never mind that someone else would have done it sooner or later. For these types of arguments, first = best. Then all you have to do is pick the first and you will always win.

 

8) Assume everything you watch was done specifically for you. This is a more modern way to be a jerk. It applies to online lessons, videos, concerts, etc. Just figure that whenever there is a video made for you to watch, the person who did it totally had pleasing only you in mind. That way, when it falls short of your expectations, you can criticize it to no end, and tell whoever made it exactly where they fell short. After all, it is about getting people to do things that you want, and the way you want it.

 

9) Believe your own hype. Compliments and praise of your playing is 100% objective, and 110% true. Anyone who is critical of your playing, or who dares offer your advice, is biased against you, totally subjective, and basically a jerk.

 

10) Never Help Anyone. You've worked hard to get where you are as a player. And, as step 6 above points out, guitar playing is a competition. So what you know is to be treated as a closely guarded secret. Do you have a neat little chord progression with some interesting substitutions you learned from a Joe Pass video? You'd better not share it, or everyone will be doing it soon. Did you spend hours and hours working on alternate bass Travis picking technique? It's probably best to play it off that it just came naturally to you, and if you can't pick it up in a couple of minutes, it's probably a lost cause.

That's why I quit working with other Guitarists,too many egos!