The Analog Grownup, on 06 December 2015 - 07:28 AM, said:
Garden Dancer, on 06 December 2015 - 05:57 AM, said:
x1yyz, on 12 August 2014 - 01:05 PM, said:
People like that really need to give their kids up for adoption. It's just not fair to the kids to grow up in a world of hate.
Speaking as someone who was adopted (at age 2 months; I was born to an unwed mother who obviously didn't want me) I am thrilled my biological parents gave me up so I could be raised by parents who actually wanted me.
I do wonder if the desire to not have children is hereditary. If so, maybe I got it from my mother. Certainly this is a gene which would quickly die out.
I always knew I wasn't "mommy" material. And sweetie never really has the "daddy" drive, either.
Buuuut... things happen, and one finds themselves with a decision to make.
For us, it was truly a surprise. I actually had no idea that I was pregnant until I was in labor. (No missed period, no movement in my belly, no "baby bump"... honestly, there was nothing to tell me, or sweetie...)
Had we known? I might have chosen to abort. I don't know for sure, though.
As it was, we gave our baby up for adoption.
We read profiles of hopeful couples, we spoke with a counselor there at the hospital, and we both were happy with that decision. We held him, we named him, and I fell into those deep, indigo eyes... Loved that child on first sight. But even with the flood of hormones and endorphins and all, I knew he wasn't "mine". I still didn't feel the "mommy" thing kicking in, and I knew that I never really would. Adoption was the best thing I ever decided.
But I always wondered, what are the thoughts of the child? What are your feelings about being adopted? Do you ever resent your mom for getting pregnant and giving you up? Do you ever wonder about her? Do you Love her/hate her/feel nothing for her? I always wonder...
I know every child feels different, and every situation is unique, and I don't expect you to be the spokes-person for every adoptee, but... what was your experience?
Sorry if I'm pulling the thread off-topic, but... I've always wondered.
I don't think you're pulling this thread off-topic as it raises an interesting point. Somewhere that couple and child are hopefully living a happy life. You had a child you didn't want (it looks so harsh when written as text), but you gave someone who might not have had the oppertunity themselves the chance to experience that.
I really don't know how that feels, both being the one giving up a child for an adoption, those who adopt or the child being adopted. Did you do it anomynous or will the child know who was its biological parents?
We were given profiles of a few couples, and we chose the couple we liked/resonated with best. We told the counselor that, if he wanted to meet us, we didn't mind being found.
The way it worked with that place was, at 18 yrs, with his adoptive parent's blessing, or at 21 if they didn't approve. (he's like, 20, now. I wonder if we'll get a call/visit? OMG... I hope he doesn't hate us...)
We got pictures and progress reports for a little while, and he looked very happy.
For me, giving my son to another couple was the greatest way I could love him. I simply don't have the "mommy" thing. Even holding him in my arms.
I loved him, I thought he was the most amazing thing in the world. He was a beautiful little sweetie, and I still remember looking into those indigo eyes and seeing the entire universe there.
But I also knew that... I just wasn't the "mommy" he'd need me to be. I have the love, but I'm not the nurturing kind. And I know that about myself.
I just ... I was raised in a loving home. Mom is just amazing and strong and wonderful, my dad was more than I realized... I have some lovely memories. And part of me wishes
I could do that. Be the "mommy". And I wonder, I do really wonder... as much as his adoptive parents love him, does he ever wonder about us? About me? Does he ever think that we hated him, didn't want him? That we just threw him aside? Coz that's not how it was.
We loved him, still do. We loved him enough to give him to someone who could
be the nurturing, supportive, parents that he needed.
It's a complicated swirl of emotion, feeling such a deep love, yet knowing that just
love wouldn't be enough.
And the worry that he might not understand.
I wonder, do I even understand it all.?.
*ugh* So very complicated!
Edited by Garden Dancer, 06 December 2015 - 09:33 AM.