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Deciding to be child-free


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Have you chosen to not have children? (This goes for men as well as women, since it takes two to tango.) If so, how old were you when you made that choice? Was it difficult?

 

I've known ever since I was a child that I never wanted kids. I just never had the biological or emotional drive to do so. I've heard friends talking about how much they wanted kids and I find it interesting just how foreign that concept is to me, like telling a fish you want to learn about driving a car.

 

Are there others here who feel the same way?

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I can't imagine life without my children. Having said that, they are now 27 and 24 and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they never have any. Its fine with me whichever way it goes. I am just happy they haven't made any "mistakes" like others in my extended family have. Children having children..... :| Edited by Narpski
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I can't imagine life without my children. Having said that, they are now 27 and 24 and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they never have any. Its fine with me whichever way it goes. I am just happy they haven't made any "mistakes" like others in my extended family have. Children having children..... :|

 

Yeah, when I was young I knew too many people in the 16-21 age group who were having kids, none of them planned of course. I wonder if they actually wanted them. :(

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I can't imagine life without my children. Having said that, they are now 27 and 24 and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they never have any. Its fine with me whichever way it goes. I am just happy they haven't made any "mistakes" like others in my extended family have. Children having children..... :|

 

Yeah, when I was young I knew too many people in the 16-21 age group who were having kids, none of them planned of course. I wonder if they actually wanted them. :(

Only if they were desperate to get on MTV's "16 and pregnant"

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I love being a dad. But if someone doesn't want kids, then they shouldn't have them and do what it takes to prevent conceiving them.
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I plan on it, but give me another 3-5 years, I got shit to take care of! :D

Wait till yer at least 30. Trust me it'll be worth it. For now, sow your wild oats and pray for crop failure

 

Yeah, don't rush into it. My 20s were a time of just getting to know me; I couldn't imagine having to raise a kid without having completely grown up myself.

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Child free by choice here, OP. Like you, I've known all my life that I never, ever wanted children. I had my tubes tied in my late 20's after searching high and low for a doctor who would agree to that. (I understand it's easier to find an MD willing to sterilize a young unmarried woman - check the child-free forums as many of them maintain a list. That is - if you're considering going that route). I wanted it known upfront by any man I might be dating that kids were not on the agenda and that there would be no changing my mind. So if they were looking for the future mom of their family, keep looking.

 

Caught some crap at first from one grandmother who was unhappy about the "end of the family line"; my parents are both only children and my sister couldn't have kids, so I'm it. (We're a nice bunch of folks but it's not as though we possess some unique genetic material that MUST be perpetuated). She came around, though.

 

I am in my mid-forties now and have never, ever regretted not having children. I've been married for nearly eleven years to a man who is also happy with being childless.

Edited by Mara
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Child free by choice here, OP. Like you, I've known all my life that I never, ever wanted children. I had my tubes tied in my late 20's after searching high and low for a doctor who would agree to that. (I understand it's easier to find an MD willing to sterilize a young unmarried woman - check the child-free forums as many of them maintain a list. That is - if you're considering going that route).

 

I once asked a doctor about getting that done. (This was a doc I was seeing about birth control, so it wasn't coming out of the blue or anything.) He was an older, white-haired man and told me that he wouldn't sterilize an unmarried woman in her 30s (which I was, at the time). What, I have to have a husband make that decision for me? You can believe I didn't go back to see that doctor.

 

In this relationship my husband was the one who got fixed. He felt just as strongly about staying child-free as I did, and he got fixed instead of me just because it's less invasive for men.

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It's not that I hate kids - I don't. But I am so terribly uncomfortable around them. I can't relate, especially to small children under the age of, say, eight. To me they're like little aliens, and I don't mean that in a bad way. I just don't "get" them. When someone announces a pregnancy the first thing that crosses my mind is, "and they're happy about this??" I'm not mean, I really am not - I just cannot comprehend the entire child mindset. Not only has my biological clock failed to ever tick even once, I don't think the batteries ever got installed! Edited by Mara
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I'm childless through choice too. I knew from a very young age that I didn't want them. All I ever heard was this constant litany: "You'll change your mind when you get older". And: "You're so selfish!"

 

I'm 43 this year. My biological clock has never ever ticked. Come to think of it, I don't think I ever even had one..! :P In all honesty, I have no maternal instincts.

 

I have a husband of 11 years, and he doesn't want children either.

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This is odd but I was just thinking about it and then I saw this topic. What hit me was that I can only decide not to have a child; I cannot decide to have one. That is ultimately the choice of the woman.

 

At the moment I don't want kids, but it can all change if I meet the right woman. I have wanted kids a few years ago, but my priorities are woman first then perhaps kids. I grow older but never feel like I grow into an adult. For now I enjoy being an uncle and that covers my parental needs. I am a little too indulgent though.

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This is odd but I was just thinking about it and then I saw this topic. What hit me was that I can only decide not to have a child; I cannot decide to have one. That is ultimately the choice of the woman.

 

At the moment I don't want kids, but it can all change if I meet the right woman. I have wanted kids a few years ago, but my priorities are woman first then perhaps kids. I grow older but never feel like I grow into an adult. For now I enjoy being an uncle and that covers my parental needs. I am a little too indulgent though.

 

See, I knew I'd never change "if I met the right man". Plus I figured if I did change then there are thousands of older kids, albeit with baggage, who would do just about anything to be adopted into a loving home. I used to joke that I'd be fine with having kids if I didn't have to deal with them until they were around 9. But it just never happened and I'm fine with that. :)

 

Plus I can sleep past 9 on weekends if I want, cuss freely, and not worry about putting anyone through university. We've got dogs and never once have they borrowed the car and wrecked it/returned it with the gas tank empty. They've been neutered so ain't no one gettin' anybody pregnant. We left them alone in the house when they were very young and no one called CPS on us (and if they'd been a problem we could have crated them, something you cannot do with kids). They eat the same thing for every meal and never complain. And when they get disciplined or told "no", they just comply instead of throwing a tantrum and screaming, "I HATE YOU! YOU'RE THE WORST DOG OWNER IN THE WORLD!"

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I also don't know how to relate to small kids. (Maybe all of this contributes to not wanting kids?) You can't talk with babies, obviously, but the older the kids get the easier it is to deal with them. I can deal with them just fine once they turn about 30.
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Have you chosen to not have children? (This goes for men as well as women, since it takes two to tango.) If so, how old were you when you made that choice? Was it difficult?

 

I've known ever since I was a child that I never wanted kids. I just never had the biological or emotional drive to do so. I've heard friends talking about how much they wanted kids and I find it interesting just how foreign that concept is to me, like telling a fish you want to learn about driving a car.

 

Are there others here who feel the same way?

 

Yes. I can't ever remember wanting any.

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I never actually wanted to have children and I have no problem saying that. However, even though I was careful at the time (both birth control AND condoms), my son came to be. While regret is probably not the best word to describe the feelings I have about having him, I have since decided that I am not doing it again. I had my tubes tied about 2-3 years ago. Trust me, it's not just childless younger women (I was in my early 30's) who have a problem finding a doctor who will complete that procedure for them. It took me nearly 12 years to find one.

 

I do feel like I missed out on what I really wanted to do with my life because I compromised and had a child early on. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel: I'll only be 39 when he graduates from high school. So, I will still be relatively young and have a lot of life ahead of me. I'm also single by choice because I really don't want to run the risk of having one of the same problems with another man that I had with my ex-husband. He was quite happy living in this area and I, quite frankly, hate it no end. I tried on several occasions to get him interested in moving and he was having nothing to do with that. The only reason I am staying now is so my son can finish high school with his best friends. Once that is done, I will be taking aggressive steps to leave his hell-hole.

 

I know that there are some people who feel like their lives are fulfilled by having children. While my son is amazing and I love him no end, I don't feel that my purpose in life has been fulfilled simply by being responsible for the presence of another human being. Quite frankly, any idiot with sexual organs can get with another and make a child. It isn't rocket science. The scores of unwanted, abused and neglected children in the world are a testament to that fact. So, for me at least, I never understood how a simple act of natural science could make a person feel fulfilled in life. Maybe it's the raising them, but that always seemed too vicarious for my liking. It's a mystery to me for sure and I am certainly not saying that people who feel that way are inferior. I just never had that compulsion, and I have yet to come across another human being (my son included) that I would task with making me happy. That's MY responsibility. People comment to me all the time what a "good kid" my son is. He's achieved some pretty cool things and he is respectful and compassionate. Yes, I am proud of him, but his achievements don't fulfill me and my needs in life. Once a child gets past a certain point in life, their achievements are their own. And, Alex is way past that point.

 

So, I guess what I am saying is that I have very mixed feelings about being a parent. On one hand I never wanted that for myself, and the aspirations that I had in life were pretty much destroyed when I had my son (without getting into a lot of detail, the career path I was trying to start was not the best environment to raise a child due to extensive travel leading to a "gypsy" type lifestyle). But, I do adore him and I am privileged to know him. He makes me proud, but not fulfilled. I'm not sure if I would do things differently if given the opportunity for a re-do. Probably not, but there has been an empty spot that I have tried to fill to no avail. I've just had this nagging feeling for the past 14-15 years that I really missed out on the life I wanted for myself because of that one choice I made to keep my son.

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I was never gung ho about having kids, like it was a definite plan for me but I grew up in a big family so I never ruled it out. My wife wanted kids and still wants more. We have three. A 19 year old, 15 year old and a 5 year old.

 

They are my absolute everything and I didn't even know anything could be before them. I get no greater pleasure than watching them work hard, succeed, experience new things and just enjoy life. Kids are not for everyone and I respect people who realize that before having kids. I am beyond happy that I "fell into" having kids. I would have never pushed the issue, just did not reject her desire to have them. So glad I didn't.

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I never actually wanted to have children and I have no problem saying that. However, even though I was careful at the time (both birth control AND condoms), my son came to be. While regret is probably not the best word to describe the feelings I have about having him, I have since decided that I am not doing it again. I had my tubes tied about 2-3 years ago. Trust me, it's not just childless younger women (I was in my early 30's) who have a problem finding a doctor who will complete that procedure for them. It took me nearly 12 years to find one.

 

I do feel like I missed out on what I really wanted to do with my life because I compromised and had a child early on. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel: I'll only be 39 when he graduates from high school. So, I will still be relatively young and have a lot of life ahead of me. I'm also single by choice because I really don't want to run the risk of having one of the same problems with another man that I had with my ex-husband. He was quite happy living in this area and I, quite frankly, hate it no end. I tried on several occasions to get him interested in moving and he was having nothing to do with that. The only reason I am staying now is so my son can finish high school with his best friends. Once that is done, I will be taking aggressive steps to leave his hell-hole.

 

I know that there are some people who feel like their lives are fulfilled by having children. While my son is amazing and I love him no end, I don't feel that my purpose in life has been fulfilled simply by being responsible for the presence of another human being. Quite frankly, any idiot with sexual organs can get with another and make a child. It isn't rocket science. The scores of unwanted, abused and neglected children in the world are a testament to that fact. So, for me at least, I never understood how a simple act of natural science could make a person feel fulfilled in life. Maybe it's the raising them, but that always seemed too vicarious for my liking. It's a mystery to me for sure and I am certainly not saying that people who feel that way are inferior. I just never had that compulsion, and I have yet to come across another human being (my son included) that I would task with making me happy. That's MY responsibility. People comment to me all the time what a "good kid" my son is. He's achieved some pretty cool things and he is respectful and compassionate. Yes, I am proud of him, but his achievements don't fulfill me and my needs in life. Once a child gets past a certain point in life, their achievements are their own. And, Alex is way past that point.

 

So, I guess what I am saying is that I have very mixed feelings about being a parent. On one hand I never wanted that for myself, and the aspirations that I had in life were pretty much destroyed when I had my son (without getting into a lot of detail, the career path I was trying to start was not the best environment to raise a child due to extensive travel leading to a "gypsy" type lifestyle). But, I do adore him and I am privileged to know him. He makes me proud, but not fulfilled. I'm not sure if I would do things differently if given the opportunity for a re-do. Probably not, but there has been an empty spot that I have tried to fill to no avail. I've just had this nagging feeling for the past 14-15 years that I really missed out on the life I wanted for myself because of that one choice I made to keep my son.

Admire your honesty..... :codger:
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I never actually wanted to have children and I have no problem saying that. However, even though I was careful at the time (both birth control AND condoms), my son came to be. While regret is probably not the best word to describe the feelings I have about having him, I have since decided that I am not doing it again. I had my tubes tied about 2-3 years ago. Trust me, it's not just childless younger women (I was in my early 30's) who have a problem finding a doctor who will complete that procedure for them. It took me nearly 12 years to find one.

 

I do feel like I missed out on what I really wanted to do with my life because I compromised and had a child early on. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel: I'll only be 39 when he graduates from high school. So, I will still be relatively young and have a lot of life ahead of me. I'm also single by choice because I really don't want to run the risk of having one of the same problems with another man that I had with my ex-husband. He was quite happy living in this area and I, quite frankly, hate it no end. I tried on several occasions to get him interested in moving and he was having nothing to do with that. The only reason I am staying now is so my son can finish high school with his best friends. Once that is done, I will be taking aggressive steps to leave his hell-hole.

 

I know that there are some people who feel like their lives are fulfilled by having children. While my son is amazing and I love him no end, I don't feel that my purpose in life has been fulfilled simply by being responsible for the presence of another human being. Quite frankly, any idiot with sexual organs can get with another and make a child. It isn't rocket science. The scores of unwanted, abused and neglected children in the world are a testament to that fact. So, for me at least, I never understood how a simple act of natural science could make a person feel fulfilled in life. Maybe it's the raising them, but that always seemed too vicarious for my liking. It's a mystery to me for sure and I am certainly not saying that people who feel that way are inferior. I just never had that compulsion, and I have yet to come across another human being (my son included) that I would task with making me happy. That's MY responsibility. People comment to me all the time what a "good kid" my son is. He's achieved some pretty cool things and he is respectful and compassionate. Yes, I am proud of him, but his achievements don't fulfill me and my needs in life. Once a child gets past a certain point in life, their achievements are their own. And, Alex is way past that point.

 

So, I guess what I am saying is that I have very mixed feelings about being a parent. On one hand I never wanted that for myself, and the aspirations that I had in life were pretty much destroyed when I had my son (without getting into a lot of detail, the career path I was trying to start was not the best environment to raise a child due to extensive travel leading to a "gypsy" type lifestyle). But, I do adore him and I am privileged to know him. He makes me proud, but not fulfilled. I'm not sure if I would do things differently if given the opportunity for a re-do. Probably not, but there has been an empty spot that I have tried to fill to no avail. I've just had this nagging feeling for the past 14-15 years that I really missed out on the life I wanted for myself because of that one choice I made to keep my son.

 

:goodone:

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Better to NOT have them and regret it later than to have them and spend the rest of your life wishing you hadn't.
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