Suicidal Thoughts

[Tick]

First off, we are all f*cked up and no one will think less of you! We ALL have our demons! You will go through ups and downs in life. No shame in admitting you are struggling. Please seek council and DO NOT be ashamed of the situation.

With love of family and support and council you will get through this. Don't quit!

The last thing you should care about are the reactions of people who are having just as many problems in life as you have. Trust me, we all are inundated with problems and stress!

You show tremendous strength by admitting you are weak!

Edited March 18, 2014 by Tick

[drbirdsong]

Your life is a gift from God and He knows that I tried to throw away the one He gave me. When you hit rock bottom there is no where to go except up... Give it a try. The reason you go THROUGH stuff is so that you can emerge on the other side.

[Babycat]

For Malcolm Reynolds -

[Mara]

I've always liked the Churchill quote: "When you're going through hell, keep on moving." I tell myself that a LOT!

 

Another line that has stayed with me from Schindler's List. One of the distraught prisoners contemplates flinging herself onto the barbed wire fence for the guards to gun down, and her friend urges her to reconsider: "Don't kill yourself on the fence, Clara. If you do you'll never know what happened to you."

[Malcolm Reynolds]

Just a quick update:

 

So everyone knows. The topic has been discussed at great length with the family and a university counselor. Naturally the family is very concerned...it feels like I have to reassure them almost as much as they have to reassure me.

 

The counselor is pretty confident that this will all go away once the semester if over. I'm inclined to believe him. In the meantime: yoga, meditation and longer cardio workouts. Seems reasonable. It does help, not a lot but I've only been at it for a few days.

 

The pressure is still gradually piling on as the semester inches its way to a close.

 

On the bright side, I got a call this morning for an interview from a company I applied to back in January for a summer internship. They didn't answer my emails because apparently they just collect resumes for internships until spring break and start sorting through them afterwards. So there's a chance...

 

I'd like to thank you guys for being supportive. I'm sure this has looked all very dramatic. I don't think I'd have come clean with anyone if it weren't for those first few posts. While this semester is likely to remain difficult, this has made it a lot easier...hopefully easy enough that these thoughts will stay out of mind.

[Lorraine]

Just a quick update:

 

So everyone knows. The topic has been discussed at great length with the family and a university counselor. Naturally the family is very concerned...it feels like I have to reassure them almost as much as they have to reassure me.

 

The counselor is pretty confident that this will all go away once the semester if over. I'm inclined to believe him. In the meantime: yoga, meditation and longer cardio workouts. Seems reasonable. It does help, not a lot but I've only been at it for a few days.

 

The pressure is still gradually piling on as the semester inches its way to a close.

 

On the bright side, I got a call this morning for an interview from a company I applied to back in January for a summer internship. They didn't answer my emails because apparently they just collect resumes for internships until spring break and start sorting through them afterwards. So there's a chance...

 

I'd like to thank you guys for being supportive. I'm sure this has looked all very dramatic. I don't think I'd have come clean with anyone if it weren't for those first few posts. While this semester is likely to remain difficult, this has made it a lot easier...hopefully easy enough that these thoughts will stay out of mind.

 

I am so very happy to read this. You have been on my mind a lot, believe it or not, and in my prayers.

 

:cheers:

[EagleMoon]

So glad that you reached out for help. Just make sure to keep checking in periodically. A few days isn't very long. I'm glad things are looking up for you too.

[Aikenrooster]

Good thing you decided to stick around .... Rush will tour in 2015!

[Malcolm Reynolds]

So glad that you reached out for help. Just make sure to keep checking in periodically. A few days isn't very long. I'm glad things are looking up for you too.

 

I know, which is why I mentioned it in my last post. I'll keep at it and it's likely my family will constantly be checking in on me and getting on my case until the end of the semester, which is encouraging.

[Malcolm Reynolds]

Good thing you decided to stick around .... Rush will tour in 2015!

 

Really? That's great! :ebert:

[Malcolm Reynolds]

Just a quick update:

 

So everyone knows. The topic has been discussed at great length with the family and a university counselor. Naturally the family is very concerned...it feels like I have to reassure them almost as much as they have to reassure me.

 

The counselor is pretty confident that this will all go away once the semester if over. I'm inclined to believe him. In the meantime: yoga, meditation and longer cardio workouts. Seems reasonable. It does help, not a lot but I've only been at it for a few days.

 

The pressure is still gradually piling on as the semester inches its way to a close.

 

On the bright side, I got a call this morning for an interview from a company I applied to back in January for a summer internship. They didn't answer my emails because apparently they just collect resumes for internships until spring break and start sorting through them afterwards. So there's a chance...

 

I'd like to thank you guys for being supportive. I'm sure this has looked all very dramatic. I don't think I'd have come clean with anyone if it weren't for those first few posts. While this semester is likely to remain difficult, this has made it a lot easier...hopefully easy enough that these thoughts will stay out of mind.

 

I am so very happy to read this. You have been on my mind a lot, believe it or not, and in my prayers.

 

:cheers:

 

Thank you for the kind words. I do appreciate them.

[Citizen of the World]

I'm glad to see that you are talking to a counselor and to friends and family about your feelings. It seems so overwhelming to tackle things by yourself so until you opened up you probably weren't going to dig yourself out. You have received some good advice from previous posts, which it seems that you have followed. If I could offer another piece of advice it would be to talk to your doctor. While I don't believe in medication for every single ailment, and I know that anti-depressants can have their negative sides to them, your problem might be chemically related. I have gone through a similar time myself in the past; panic attacks (where I sat there looking at the work that I been doing for years, and not knowing how to do it suddenly) and feelings of hopelessness. I was recommended by a counselor to also go to my doctor as he thought my problem might be physical. After a couple of weeks on antidepressants I began to feel much better. As I said earlier I'm not advocating medicine, just thinking of covering all of the basics.

 

Good luck with the interview for the internship. My thoughts are with you.

 

 

All of us get lost in the darkness

Dreamers learn to steer by the stars

All of us do time in the gutter

Dreamers turn to look at the cars

[Ancient Ways]

Need an update here. Make sure everything is on track.

[ThatLightInYourEyes]

Good thing you decided to stick around .... Rush will tour in 2015!

 

Really? That's great! :ebert:

 

See? There's always something worth living for.

[priest_of_syrinx]

This kind of fate is exactly what I don't want.

If I could offer my perspective on this, I think a lot of the issues with suicidal thought and anxiety (which totally go hand-in-hand) stem from this little sentence right here. Suicidal ideation is something I remember struggling with from a surprisingly young age, so I know exactly what it feels like and how difficult it is to pull out of it. One aspect of suicide ties in with another thing you mentioned in your first post — escapism. I'm going to try to tie the issues of limited possibilities and escape together and offer you the reason I feel less suicidal, as well as happier and more confident, than I ever have. I can't say for certain that I've got the bad thoughts beat for good (one never can), but I feel like I have a pretty solid shield built up against them that should hold for some time, and hopefully these ideas can help you.

 

I've found after dealing with suicidal thoughts on and off for a number of years is that my problem has always been a feeling of claustrophobia. I can feel it in your original post as well. I surmise that you feel trapped by your situation, and you feel that if you take the wrong step, you'll fall off a sort of tightrope and everything will go to hell. You have a clear idea of what you want your future to be (which is fantastic), but it's gone too far. You feel your happiness depends on specific variables and achievements, especially with regards to the career you are building.

 

This is exactly my situation about a year and a half ago. In fact, every time I use the word "you," you may as well replace it with I. (Pardon me if I'm not accurate...)

 

One of the biggest reasons these unpleasant feelings stay so long is that in some ass-backwards way, they feel good. There's something appealing about death as an escape, and that is the reason we cling to it: it removes the walls that close in on us when we get anxious and gives us an open pasture of infinite, alien possibility. Suicide as an avenue to new possibilities doesn't really work though; in fact, it closes off your possibilities because you surrender your agency completely.

 

The important thing to realize is that living with a narrow idea of what will bring happiness in the future goes against science. There was a study in which winners of the lottery and paraplegic car accident victims had their happiness tracked from the time of the incident to years into the future. While each group was where one would expect them to be initially, they actually leveled out over time so that the lottery winners were no happier than people who lost use of their legs and/or arms. Reason would leave one to believe that an enormous material gain would lead to happiness, but there are other variables which are tougher to predict that lead to victims of tragedy to feel ok after a while. In my opinion, adversity builds character, and gives a point of reference so that good things seem even better. Tremendous fortune also comes with more responsibility. I think these factors explain the convergence.

 

With this knowledge, I've continued to fervently pursue a career in music knowing the odds, and a few experiences have led me to reasons why it will be totally ok if things don't work out. One really simple way to substitute the escape of suicide is by traveling to a place you've never been. One of the most joyful times I've ever had was visiting Seattle and seeing the Cascade Mountains. I don't know if it was real, but I felt like I'd come home, and that I'd found the place I want to settle down someday. Regular visits to Winnipeg and other nearby-but-different locations are what keep me sane on a regular basis. Another escape I use when I feel trapped is reading about foreign cultures I can't really visit. There is a totally different psychological construct in people on continents other than North America and Western Europe that provides a lot of wisdom and insight (which I think your yoga will help with tremendously).

 

All these experiences and reflection have led me to think of life a little bit like jazz. There's a set of chord changes you play over in jazz, and you don't really get to mess with them much. If you're playing "Misty," you stick to "Misty." In life, the chord changes are where you're born, who your family is, what you are like physically and mentally by nature, etc. The biggest blessing and curse about it is that you are given a lot of control over your solo. There’s a lot of pressure in this, and sure it can totally bomb on stage, but there’s always another chorus to get back on track, and you can change things however drastically you want, as long as you’re willing to take the risk. If you listen to another soloist in jazz, one melodic idea can totally change your approach to soloing. It’s the same with life. It’s often surprising exactly what makes us happy (and how small those things sometimes are), and I think accepting that reality is an important part of getting rid of negative thoughts.

 

Sorry for the wall of text, but hopefully this helps you in some way. :)

[The Analog Grownup]

:goodone:

 

A lot of good points I will take.

[Malcolm Reynolds]

This kind of fate is exactly what I don't want.

[...]

 

Sorry for the wall of text, but hopefully this helps you in some way. :)

 

Don't apologize. You really did hit the nail on the head. I've tried yoga/meditation and they're arguably the most maddening activities I've ever done. I can't bring myself to sit still and do them because my mind instantly goes to the more useful or more enjoyable things I could be doing that doesn't involve staying in one position and not getting anything accomplished.

 

I can't exactly afford to travel very often, so that's off the list.

[priest_of_syrinx]

Saw this and thought of this thread:

 

http://www.viruscomix.com/page570.html

[Malcolm Reynolds]

Saw this and thought of this thread:

 

http://www.viruscomix.com/page570.html

 

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m35791J8Gc1rpfiy4o1_500.gif

[priest_of_syrinx]

Saw this and thought of this thread:

 

http://www.viruscomix.com/page570.html

 

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m35791J8Gc1rpfiy4o1_500.gif

No dude! Just found it relevant.

[gangsterfurious]

I have to say welcome to life, love. Now you are almost officially an adult, life will give you these ups and downs, maybe constantly, maybe not, one never knows. I feel like you are in the middle of discovering a lot and it may be too much for you to handle at once, this happens and it's okay. As you get older it gets easier and easier to handle as long as you learn from the past.

 

It sounds like you have a lot of pressure from those around you, soon, if you learn how to stand on your own and speak your mind without fear they will back off. Or, maybe you'll surprise yourself and when you open up to them they may offer you nothing but love and support, you never know until you try.

 

I feel compelled to write to you because you sound so much like me when I was your age. Of course your life is not mine and will go differently but I'd like to offer you advice that I wish people would have given me, you are welcome to take it or leave it. I find myself at 31 still dealing with the fact that regardless of things I've done, things have not always gone my way. This is the case with many people my age and I'd like to pass this onto you if I may.

 

I was "home schooled" but had an instructor that I met with weekly, so while I did miss out on a few lab classes I still had the same coursework as other students and had even more pressure because I mostly taught myself, and maintained a 3.8 GPA while doing so. This prompted well-known universities to solicit me to apply, which I wasn't able to do at the time because I had other plans for myself. However, I made it into college in my late 20's and am still a student. Do not expect to get the same grades in university that you did in high school. Not that it isn't possible but university will most likely challenge you much more than high-school. If you are working your ass off and barely passing you may be giving yourself too much work. What about the classes? Are you learning things you enjoy? Are you being challenged in a way that fulfills you intellectually?

 

The thing is you can fail in life, and you probably will. That is okay. BUT, if you see something coming in the future (exhaustion, depression, panic), start listening to that inner voice. Maybe you just need to lighten up your course load for awhile, take a break.

 

Getting a degree isn't a guarantee that you are going to do what you love. Build yourself up realistically, if you work hard it will happen eventually but I think that if you get it in your head that if you just get your degree everything will be alright, then you could be disappointed. I don't think that you are going to be a failure, homeless, on food stamps. I think that you have enough drive to keep yourself out of situations like that.

 

I have panic attacks too. My anxiety has shot through the roof since going back to school and it's so terribly hard for me to be my age and still have these issues. I refused medication for so long, thinking that it was a sign of weakness, and only started it a few months ago but it has made a tremendous difference in my life and calmed my anxiety. Also having a therapist has helped. I would recommend you go and talk to somebody at your school, especially if you don't have to pay for it, I've had good luck with school counselors and the more seasoned ones have seen all of this before and should be able to give you steps you need to help get through things.

 

Feel better, stop worrying about failing so much; you aren't perfect, you are human, there will be times when you feel like you've failed yourself, failed others. This is where growth happens if you let it.

[Steel Rat]

I failed six classes in the University, man. Two years later, I'm back in good standing and giving it another try. People let go of your past mistakes when they see you're still willing to try. You're a good student, people will see that. Don't give up. :hi: