Jump to content

Suicidal Thoughts


Malcolm Reynolds
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hi. I'm using an alt to maintain some form of anonymity and to keep my dignity. I considered posting this when I first made my account, but like everything else I keep thinking I can hold on and get through this, but you know what? I CAN'T. I need help and advice and I don't know what to do any more and I'm too bloody proud to admit just how far gone I feel. I hope the admins don't mind. I promise not to use this account for anything else.

 

I don't know who to turn too. If I turned to my loved ones they'll think less of me. Their image of the ideal person that they think I am will be shattered and I wouldn't want that to do that. I want to live up to it.

My girlfriend of many years knows, but I haven't told her about this yet. So she knows I've been cracking under pressure, but not this much. She'd worry out of her mind. She has enough problems to deal with.

I have friends I could turn to, but frankly only one is a good enough friend to talk to and I honestly don't know what he could possibly do to help me, so I don't tell him.

 

My environment is not at an issue. I have an incredibly loving family that thinks very highly of me, thinking I'll go far in life. I thought I would too, I worked hard and it seemed to be going well.

 

Now I just can't handle the pressure. I'm in university, working my ass off and I'm barely passing. I work day and night and seemingly get nowhere. I used to do above average in college, aces in high school. I don't know what went wrong. Is it my study habits? Is it me? Am I just not trying hard enough?

 

Since college I've had a lot of pressure and it was a hard time keeping my grades up, but it was doable. Once I got into university it really piled on, and to cope I moved more towards escapism. I'm about midway through my degree. Failed a course, nearly failed quite a few, I feel like I'm going to fail a few more this semester. I've been managing to break free of my escapism bit by bit this semester thanks to my girlfriend and my family. I bit the bullet and came clean with that much and productivity has improved, but not by enough. I'm still falling behind all the time and I don't know what to do. I can't handle the stress of thinking I could potentially fail.

 

For the last 8 months or so I get these thoughts in my head. At first I could just push them away, they were fleeting, easy to dismiss "just three steps forward into the tracks and the stress will be gone", "it's a narrow road, move the wheel just a teensy bit to the left right into that guy's hummer. It'll be quick". Now these little ideas have gotten less specific, just the thought of killing myself seems to pop in to my mind nearly daily.

 

Why? Over grades? bah. You don't need grades to live. I've been told this time and again.

 

If I don't get my degree, then I won't be able to get a job that which I love doing. I don't need a high GPA, I just need to maintain a passing one (ie don't fail any more classes). As it stands I've had a hell of a time finding an internship. Even calling in every favour I can think of hasn't led me to one. If I can't get a decent job, then I can't be self sufficient, which means I may end up being homeless, or on welfare, or god knows what else, and the idea frightens me to no end. I'd be a failure.

 

Honestly, the only thing keeping my from offing myself is that I'd inconvenience a lot of people by doing so painlessly, not to mention the suffering I'd cause my family and girlfriend. I'd like to think my girlfriend will always be there for me. She has for many years, but one of the things that kept us together smoothly for so long is that we always played things day by day. No long term promises, just to do out best to be the best we can to each other in the here and now...so I have no idea if she'll stick with me in the long haul and that's a reality I need to face.

 

I have frequent panic attacks. Not as frequent as the thought of killing myself any more as I've managed to get them under control. For the last ~10-12 months these have come on, starting with the feeling that my heart is in a block of ice. The coldness spreads to my torso and arms. No amount of sweaters or blankets make it go away. It's so strong sometimes I just want to huddle in a corner and cry until it goes away. I've managed to get it to the point where it still happens, but I can maintain control of myself that I can work a bit...slowly...but I can. I try not to bother anyone when this happens though...

 

I need help. You guys are a great community and so I ask for your advice...what should I do? Aside from the obvious don't kill myself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Talk to a professional. It is very common for college students to get very overwhelmed and get very depressed. The college years are when this type of thing happens to people. This awful stress and worry will pass. There are tons of great therapists who hear this kind of thing all the time and there are people who go through this and come to a positive realization that things will be ok. Really.

There are lots of people who can and will help you. :-)

Edited by umoveme
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My environment is not at an issue. I have an incredibly loving family that thinks very highly of me, thinking I'll go far in life. I thought I would too, I worked hard and it seemed to be going well. That line you wrote is enough to make you feel wanted and proud. Be honest with them. They will understand and show you how much your needed.

Umoveme has good advice to !

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Definitely get some professional help. Linking up with the right therapist can work wonders and a good one should be able to steer you into a support group of your peers. Sometimes it's a huge relief to actually interact with others in a similar situation in a controlled environment.

 

With regards to the grades, would getting some tutoring help?

Edited by Mara
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I read it twice to try to get it. There's a bunch of issues at play here and one answer probably won't get you on the right path. First, you need to seek professional help for the anxiety issues and to talk over your thought process. You've decided that you have 1 true path in life and you are stressed about seeing the possibility of not being able to pursue that path. If you can get control of the anxiety/depression you need to review this thought process and try to be more open minded about possibilities. When I was college age I kept waiting for the thunderbolt of guidance to show me what I was meant to do. Nothing. Nothing happened. Nothing ever did happen. I was fortunate to catch on to a good company and advance and am able to take care of my family pretty well and I did eventually get a degree but my job is not what I would call a passion. My passion is my family and personal hobbies and pursuits. I guess my point is you can't plan out your entire life in advance and expect it to just unfold in a preplanned manner. Shit definitely happens.
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounds to me like you could use a break for yourself and some time with someone you can talk to comfortably...whether that be your family, girlfriend, or a therapist...

 

First off, know that even when it seems like you're all alone, someone is always there in one way or another.

 

Its a tough time to be going through...I convinced myself that I wasn't happy at school and that I'd be in the same situation regardless of whether or not I had a degree...In today's world, we're kinda trapped under a looming pressure that we have to all get an education as fast as we can so we don't end up on the streets. That used to be just an expression, but now its a reality. I'm currently dealing with my own issues from my past and what issues may arise in the future....sometimes its hard to sit around and wonder how you're going to make it...I've lost so many nights of sleep from worrying about that and had been on and off several medications because of it... It seems like a foolish thing to say, but really you just have to focus on you and what you need out of life in that particular moment. Sure things may not be going according to plan at any given point...but eventually it all pans out in a way that you might not have been able to see before.

 

I had a time where I had contemplated suicide...but somehow (thankfully) I was too scared to ever do anything. I felt like I had wasted too many years and that i would never live up to what others (or myself for that matter) thought i could be. I went through a period of heavy drinking, prescription drugs, and things of that sort...I quickly realized I was only making matters worse...after that I just woke up. That's it...I woke up. And for the first time in a very long time, i was able to see clearly without the constant worry of what was going to happen with my life...only that I have one life to live, and I need to live it while I can...Stress will always be around...thats just the way things are...I've found I feel a lot better when I chose to stay positive rather than waste time and energy on feeling anything negative..

 

As far as the panic attacks...I'd say the only thing would be to get checked out by someone. I never had any regular attacks, but I've had one or two that i can remember. You might find that clearing your head and getting out from underneath a lot of the pressures you face can really help...I'm not saying go on a spirit quest for years...but any time you can just breathe and focus on the now and the positives in the now really helps in the long run.

 

Thoughts are only in your head...and a lot of times curiosity can get the best of you and the bad thoughts get through more often than we'd like.

 

I know this probably won't exactly be the most helpful advice, but sometimes shared experience can be comforting. Just know that there are a million different possibilities for any one person...the only sensible thing to do is to be open to all of them.

 

Really hope you can get the help you deserve. Know I'll be pullin' for ya.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

First of all, if you are at the point of considering suicide, see what resources are available in terms of counseling. Can you see a therapist? Does your university have a counselor? Is there an outreach program in your area? As for your failing of courses, you might have to slow down and take fewer per semester if possible. And as for the "escapism" part, ask yourself what it really is that's holding you back. While some people simply slack off, others sabotage themselves because they have a hidden fear of success and the unknown stressors that may come with it. If you're having anxiety attacks, you could be afraid of a lot of things you didn't know you were.
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My environment is not at an issue. I have an incredibly loving family that thinks very highly of me, thinking I'll go far in life. I thought I would too, I worked hard and it seemed to be going well. That line you wrote is enough to make you feel wanted and proud. Be honest with them. They will understand and show you how much your needed.

Umoveme has good advice to !

 

I agree- if your family is as supportive as you say they are, then you need to find it in you to be brutally honest with them about where you are in your own head. That can be a huge mind-monster, but it may very well turn out better than you think.

 

I also agree that professional help would be a good thing, if you can get it. But that is also something that won't help unless you can be completely honest with a therapist. It's great that you feel comfortable enough with us here to talk about this, but posting these things on a website only goes so far. There are likely a lot more things you'll need to disclose if you're going to get to the heart of the issue(s).

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

How close are you to finishing at school? Are you a freshman or are you less than a year from graduation?

 

These are very important to determining if you can get through this.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I say quit school if you're not into it. Work a low wage job. If you're failing why go? You're pissing someone's money away. It seems you don't care. Do something you care about.

 

This is exactly why I'm stressing out. This kind of fate is exactly what I don't want. I love what I'm studying. I've gone off the beaten path and worked as hard as I have to catch up with the other students (which I have caught up). To me, abandoning this career path is failure in its purest form, and that's something I just can't handle. It's this thought exactly that I've deemed unacceptable from the start and yet it seems like an increasingly real scenario.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Definitely get some professional help. Linking up with the right therapist can work wonders and a good one should be able to steer you into a support group of your peers. Sometimes it's a huge relief to actually interact with others in a similar situation in a controlled environment.

 

With regards to the grades, would getting some tutoring help?

 

There's no tutoring available for anything beyond 200 level courses, Those ones I managed to do average on. I've asked professors for tutors, they all respond with something like "There are no tutors. Just ask me, that's why I have office hours" and then get frustrated when I ask the most basic of questions. I have the textbooks and consult them regularly, I find online recordings on youtube, even notes from other universities but I still don't always get it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First of all, if you are at the point of considering suicide, see what resources are available in terms of counseling. Can you see a therapist? Does your university have a counselor? Is there an outreach program in your area? As for your failing of courses, you might have to slow down and take fewer per semester if possible. And as for the "escapism" part, ask yourself what it really is that's holding you back. While some people simply slack off, others sabotage themselves because they have a hidden fear of success and the unknown stressors that may come with it. If you're having anxiety attacks, you could be afraid of a lot of things you didn't know you were.

 

I see the university counselor whenever I can. Sadly this amounts to about once a month because of the sheer amount of students and few counselors available. I've called a few times to see if I could get an earlier appointment but no one cancels. It looks like I'm going to end up on some sort of anti-anxiety medication as we've gone through yoga and a bunch of other techniques which don't do much. Which is a shame because throwing pills at the problem is against my philosophy. I've always avoided meds unless I absolutely needed them....if a calmer mind will improve my performance at this point it's worth a shot I guess.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My environment is not at an issue. I have an incredibly loving family that thinks very highly of me, thinking I'll go far in life. I thought I would too, I worked hard and it seemed to be going well. That line you wrote is enough to make you feel wanted and proud. Be honest with them. They will understand and show you how much your needed.

Umoveme has good advice to !

 

I agree- if your family is as supportive as you say they are, then you need to find it in you to be brutally honest with them about where you are in your own head. That can be a huge mind-monster, but it may very well turn out better than you think.

 

I also agree that professional help would be a good thing, if you can get it. But that is also something that won't help unless you can be completely honest with a therapist. It's great that you feel comfortable enough with us here to talk about this, but posting these things on a website only goes so far. There are likely a lot more things you'll need to disclose if you're going to get to the heart of the issue(s).

 

I know that posting on a website will only go so far, but this post wasn't made to find the end all solution. I made it with the intention of looking for advice to find a starting point for dealing with this. I've had some ideas on how to deal with it, but I'm posting here to check that the stress isn't affecting my judgement too much while still saving face with people who know me.

 

Based on these posts I'm going to have to come clean to my family. I'm not looking forward to the discussion, but it must be done.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Based on these posts I'm going to have to come clean to my family. I'm not looking forward to the discussion, but it must be done.

 

It's always hard to take that first step, but you say your family is supportive so they should be able to help you through this. They are the people who are there with you in person, so they can also be there when you need a literal shoulder to lean on.

 

Looking at the big picture, I understand that you want to finish school (kudos to you for that!), but what about taking a semester off? It would give you a chance to relax a bit and collect yourself, then you could dive back in again the following semester.

 

Wishing you all the best.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Looking at the big picture, I understand that you want to finish school (kudos to you for that!), but what about taking a semester off? It would give you a chance to relax a bit and collect yourself, then you could dive back in again the following semester.

 

I've thought about it. I'm not sure if I will. On the bright side I have until the first day of a given semester to just drop everything without fees or penalty, so I have until September again to decide. I'd jump on taking a semester or even a year off if I had employment in the field I'm studying, but that doesn't look like it's going to happen. I've thought about taking a semester off to work on my own projects and build my portfolio and knowledge of things useful to employers that isn't available to be learned in a classroom and it may be beneficial. It will shift things over nicely so I'd be able to take one of the courses I wouldn't have been able to take otherwise which I would like to take.

 

It's definitely something I will be giving thought over the summer.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am no expert on these kinds of things Lord knows but I would like to give you much credit for something. I appreciate the fact that you are not blaming your parents or family. I was beginning to think I was the only one who has had wonderful parents and family in general. I have grown children myself and think we did a pretty damn good job raising them but I would hope if they had the kinds of issues you are having that they would come to us. I really think if you do go to your family with this it will only prove to bring you closer now and forever. Never forget that your parents and family members are humans too with all the frailties we all have. I bet they will love and care for you even more if that is possible when you get through this together.... Best of luck :hug2: :) Edited by Narpski
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Definitely get some professional help. Linking up with the right therapist can work wonders and a good one should be able to steer you into a support group of your peers. Sometimes it's a huge relief to actually interact with others in a similar situation in a controlled environment.

 

With regards to the grades, would getting some tutoring help?

 

There's no tutoring available for anything beyond 200 level courses, Those ones I managed to do average on. I've asked professors for tutors, they all respond with something like "There are no tutors. Just ask me, that's why I have office hours" and then get frustrated when I ask the most basic of questions. I have the textbooks and consult them regularly, I find online recordings on youtube, even notes from other universities but I still don't always get it.

 

What you need to do is get together with some of your fellow students and have study groups. That's what I did in college and it really helped. You can be sure you're not the only one that's going through this. You don't need to suffer alone. When people are going through depression they tend to isolate themselves. Anything you can do to connect with other people in a positive environment will help you. Even if you don't necessarily feel like doing it, make yourself. It's the only way to pull yourself out of these negative type thoughts and feelings. I remember feeling like you are feeling when I was younger and trying to decide on a career path. I thought that everything was so black-and-white as far as my future. You don't have to feel like you have to pick one path and then you're stuck in it for the rest of your life. Your job/career should not be the most important thing in your life. It's what you do outside of work that really counts. Your hobbies, interests and friends/family are what make up your life.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Take a year off. You've got too many irons in the fire at the same time.

 

And whatever you do - DON'T despair. Please. You are young. When you are young, it doesn't take much to make you think your world is crashing down around you. You have a life to live and decades ahead in which to do it.

Please do not do anything rash.

 

I don't care if you are a believer or not, I will pray for you nonetheless.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I spoke to part of my family about it. They weren't all that surprised considering they've seen the stress I've been under, but at the same time concerned. They offered to find me professional help, I figure why spend the money when the university gives each student a bunch of counseling sessions for free? It's on campus too so it's not out of my way. So looks like long term is pretty clear....I still need to figure out how the hell I'm going to make it out of the short term (ie keeping myself from failing).

 

I figure it's only a matter of days before everyone in my family knows. I do not look forward to hearing the rest of their reactions.

Edited by Malcolm Reynolds
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I spoke to part of my family about it. They weren't all that surprised considering they've seen the stress I've been under, but at the same time concerned. They offered to find me professional help, I figure why spend the money when the university gives each student a bunch of counseling sessions for free? It's on campus too so it's not out of my way. So looks like long term is pretty clear....I still need to figure out how the hell I'm going to make it out of the short term (ie keeping myself from failing).

 

I figure it's only a matter of days before everyone in my family knows. I do not look forward to hearing the rest of their reactions.

 

I do hope they show you the same compassion as those you've already told.

 

I'm going to guess, based on the fact that you refer to finishing college and then going on to university, that you're not in the States. I'm not sure what career path you're pursuing but it sounds as though it requires a targeted professional degree. Otherwise I'd echo what some others are saying - that grades matter surprisingly little once you actually enter the workforce. I have an MA in Philosophy, of all things, and I work in wireless/telecommunications! All anyone really cares about is that I have a degree.

 

Please don't discount your family's offer of professional help if the university services don't seem to be working. And meds aren't the Big Bad Wolf some people make them out to be. If you need them, don't feel like you've somehow failed.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Glad to hear you came clean with family and it sounds like you're doing better. Realize that stresses will continue to come into your life like retirement money, kids, house payments, etc. and that you need to address how you cope with these stresses sooner rather than later to avoid getting to this point again if possible. I see a lot of suggestion of taking time off from school. Another suggestion is, if possible, can you reduce your class load to a more manageable level? Good luck and keep us posted.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I spoke to part of my family about it. They weren't all that surprised considering they've seen the stress I've been under, but at the same time concerned. They offered to find me professional help, I figure why spend the money when the university gives each student a bunch of counseling sessions for free? It's on campus too so it's not out of my way. So looks like long term is pretty clear....I still need to figure out how the hell I'm going to make it out of the short term (ie keeping myself from failing).

 

I figure it's only a matter of days before everyone in my family knows. I do not look forward to hearing the rest of their reactions.

 

I do hope they show you the same compassion as those you've already told.

 

I'm going to guess, based on the fact that you refer to finishing college and then going on to university, that you're not in the States. I'm not sure what career path you're pursuing but it sounds as though it requires a targeted professional degree. Otherwise I'd echo what some others are saying - that grades matter surprisingly little once you actually enter the workforce. I have an MA in Philosophy, of all things, and I work in wireless/telecommunications! All anyone really cares about is that I have a degree.

 

Please don't discount your family's offer of professional help if the university services don't seem to be working. And meds aren't the Big Bad Wolf some people make them out to be. If you need them, don't feel like you've somehow failed.

 

Yeah, the grades aren't especially important, but a passing one is more or less required to get that first job. I've spoke to people from all over my industry (I'm on pretty good terms with the professors, and I've gotten contacts...but sadly no bloody internships) and they basically all told me "lol GPA...you're getting the paper because you're not sure what you should be learning on your own so you need some guidance with that and you want a bargaining chip to justify a higher pay than the other guy. Oh at it gets you into the interview room for your first few jobs but there are other ways in there". My problem is that it just feels futile much of the time, that I devote so much of my time to studying, and I put my heart and soul into my work and yet here I am grasping at straws for grades and jobs in the field. Furthermore I used to get solid grades to the point where when I applied to university I could get into anything but the three most competitive programs with confidence that they'd accept my application. So this is a huge fall for me.

 

I don't see meds as the big bad wolf, I just try to avoid them. If a doctor recommends I take something I'm damn going taking the pills and follow the instructions that came with them to the letter. However when it's an "if you want" scenario rather than a recommendation I'll usually skip them. My doctor is pretty on the ball and he seems to know exactly when to recommend something or just say "if it's bad, take this". So I trust his judgement.

 

The university services should do the trick. I'll just try scheduling more appointments. I believe they give priority to more serious cases so we'll see where this ends up.

Edited by Malcolm Reynolds
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I spoke to part of my family about it. They weren't all that surprised considering they've seen the stress I've been under, but at the same time concerned. They offered to find me professional help, I figure why spend the money when the university gives each student a bunch of counseling sessions for free? It's on campus too so it's not out of my way. So looks like long term is pretty clear....I still need to figure out how the hell I'm going to make it out of the short term (ie keeping myself from failing).

 

I figure it's only a matter of days before everyone in my family knows. I do not look forward to hearing the rest of their reactions.

If your family is typical, it won't be days till they all know it will be hours....
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...