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Overthinking How Sex Works? You're Not Alone

advice column for women marriage sex TMI

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#61 gangsterfurious

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Posted 07 March 2014 - 02:35 PM

View PostNarpzilla, on 07 March 2014 - 02:21 PM, said:

I think I am going to bow out of this subject for now. This one hits way close to home and I don't have the funds to pay you guys by the hour.... :hi: Enjoy :)

I don't normally like pressing subjects when they get personal but... that's what I meant. Sometimes it just comes out in other ways and still hurts. We can't shove everything down.

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#62 Narps

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Posted 07 March 2014 - 02:48 PM

View Postgangsterfurious, on 07 March 2014 - 02:35 PM, said:

View PostNarpzilla, on 07 March 2014 - 02:21 PM, said:

I think I am going to bow out of this subject for now. This one hits way close to home and I don't have the funds to pay you guys by the hour.... :hi: Enjoy :)

I don't normally like pressing subjects when they get personal but... that's what I meant. Sometimes it just comes out in other ways and still hurts. We can't shove everything down.
I really appreciate you. I think you get it.... :rose:

#63 bathory

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Posted 07 March 2014 - 08:30 PM

View Postgangsterfurious, on 07 March 2014 - 02:18 PM, said:

View Postbathory, on 07 March 2014 - 02:16 PM, said:

View Postgangsterfurious, on 07 March 2014 - 11:40 AM, said:

View Postbathory, on 07 March 2014 - 10:09 AM, said:

normally don't venture into these parts but I clicked on this... what a passive aggressive and bitchy thing to do, by posting an article online about the shit instead of talking about it with your husband/therapist/whatever. hope she's not using her real name. and the husband should just get some viagra or something, it's not that big of a deal, right?

Uhm, I'm just going to go out on a limb here and guess you've never been married.

twice actually

Yeah I just realized I had you confused with another much younger poster. Remember, third times a charm, keep trying. ;)

nah you were right the first time, I'm only 18 dude. the other day I made a post about boners at school

#64 Rushchick10

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 01:11 AM

View PostGeddysMullet, on 07 March 2014 - 01:00 PM, said:

View Postgangsterfurious, on 07 March 2014 - 12:54 PM, said:

OK so... back on topic.

I would think that if a man denies his wife sex and has all of these problems that he just isn't that into her, what do you guys think?

Some guys just aren't really into sex.  A lot of people don't believe that, but it's true.

GM, this was a major problem in my marriage.  I was/am VERY sexual and he just...wasn't.  I think we just got married because people expected us to do that because we were, outwardly, "such a great couple."  I spent over 8 years of my life on the brink of cheating (I never did, FYI) because I couldn't get it at home.  I'm not saying sex is the only thing in a relationship, but it's pretty damn important.

#65 Rushchick10

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 01:17 AM

View Postgangsterfurious, on 07 March 2014 - 01:52 PM, said:

View PostNarpzilla, on 07 March 2014 - 01:46 PM, said:

And sometimes it might be better to just suffer in silence because the rest of you life is good to go. Is it possible to be truly happy when you really want sex with your partner and they really don't but all other aspects of your relationship are good? I would say you better have a damn good imagination and some porn to your liking....

No, to me the point of being married was to have a partner that at least tries to fulfill you sexually, otherwise you're just living with a friend; and porn will jack your brain up. But eh, sex isn't as important to me as it once was since starting Zolft, my anxiety levels are way down but I may never orgasm again.

That is one reason why I can't take antidepressants.  That and the crazy suicidal thoughts that I get when I do.  I'm the person they warn about in the commercials.  "May cause suicidal thoughts in some persons."  Yeah...ya think?  I was bummed before, and now I want to kill myself?  I even have it all planned out to the point of leaving three different notes?  One to my son, one the rest of my family and one to the police officers who find me?  No thanks...I'll deal with the depression another way.  Glad to be off that shit.  And, yes...it screws (har har) with your sexual experience.  No thank you.

#66 x1yyz

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 11:45 AM

View PostRushchick10, on 08 March 2014 - 01:11 AM, said:

View PostGeddysMullet, on 07 March 2014 - 01:00 PM, said:


Some guys just aren't really into sex.  A lot of people don't believe that, but it's true.

GM, this was a major problem in my marriage.  I was/am VERY sexual and he just...wasn't.  I think we just got married because people expected us to do that because we were, outwardly, "such a great couple."  I spent over 8 years of my life on the brink of cheating (I never did, FYI) because I couldn't get it at home.  I'm not saying sex is the only thing in a relationship, but it's pretty damn important.

I was in my 20s during my first marriage and had a high sex drive.  There was one night in particular I asked my then-husband to have sex and he replied with "No, my TV show is on."  So I ended going out by myself to a nightclub.  It wasn't long after that I started cheating on him because, hey, other people wanted to have sex with me!  And the relationship eventually came to an end.

#67 hobo73

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 11:48 AM

I see comments regarding porn- hubby and I watch it, we still have tons of sex and hell, it's enjoyable to watch lol

#68 hobo73

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 11:53 AM

View Postgangsterfurious, on 07 March 2014 - 02:16 PM, said:

View PostNarpzilla, on 07 March 2014 - 02:13 PM, said:

View Postgangsterfurious, on 07 March 2014 - 02:09 PM, said:

View Postx1yyz, on 07 March 2014 - 02:03 PM, said:

View PostNarpzilla, on 07 March 2014 - 01:46 PM, said:

And sometimes it might be better to just suffer in silence because the rest of you life is good to go. Is it possible to be truly happy when you really want sex with your partner and they really don't but all other aspects of your relationship are good? I would say you better have a damn good imagination and some porn to your liking....

The amount of sex doesn't matter so long as everyone involved in the relationship is okay with that.  If one person wants it and another doesn't then there is a problem.  The question is, what do you want to do about the problem?

Cheating is never good because there is lying involved.  But will the partner let you go out and satisfy needs elsewhere?  Would you want to?

Personally I just think it's wrong for a partner to say "I'm not going to have sex with you, and neither can anyone else."  That's just not fair.

Is this a situation in which counseling would be beneficial?

I'm just thinking out loud here.

Yeah it's wrong to say that you're not going to touch your partner but that they can be denied sexual contact. I don't know, it's tricky.
Very. You pick your poison. Can you be happy without physical contact when all else is good? :huh:

No, I was a mostly good girl until I got married, my husband was the first person I actually slept with and now... I'm really sad, disappointed. My self-esteem has taken a huge hit. When he wants sex it's on his terms. Sometimes it's like I don't exist or have desires, if I get lucky he'll concentrate on me maybe twice a year.

I've said it before and I'll say it again- you might get angry but here it is- your husband is a grade A jackass. All the things I hear about him, and now he doesn't even wanna please you?
Next time he "wants sex on his terms", give him a big fat "HELL no. Use your damn hand." That's absurd. You are gorgeous inside and out. A great person. He does NOT realize what he has.
.....and I think, if you keep saying "*sigh* ok, let's have at it." and let him do what HE wants, it'll just continue...

#69 Narps

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 12:46 PM

View Postgangsterfurious, on 07 March 2014 - 02:16 PM, said:

View PostNarpzilla, on 07 March 2014 - 02:13 PM, said:

View Postgangsterfurious, on 07 March 2014 - 02:09 PM, said:

View Postx1yyz, on 07 March 2014 - 02:03 PM, said:

View PostNarpzilla, on 07 March 2014 - 01:46 PM, said:

And sometimes it might be better to just suffer in silence because the rest of you life is good to go. Is it possible to be truly happy when you really want sex with your partner and they really don't but all other aspects of your relationship are good? I would say you better have a damn good imagination and some porn to your liking....

The amount of sex doesn't matter so long as everyone involved in the relationship is okay with that.  If one person wants it and another doesn't then there is a problem.  The question is, what do you want to do about the problem?

Cheating is never good because there is lying involved.  But will the partner let you go out and satisfy needs elsewhere?  Would you want to?

Personally I just think it's wrong for a partner to say "I'm not going to have sex with you, and neither can anyone else."  That's just not fair.

Is this a situation in which counseling would be beneficial?

I'm just thinking out loud here.

Yeah it's wrong to say that you're not going to touch your partner but that they can be denied sexual contact. I don't know, it's tricky.
Very. You pick your poison. Can you be happy without physical contact when all else is good? :huh:

No, I was a mostly good girl until I got married, my husband was the first person I actually slept with and now... I'm really sad, disappointed. My self-esteem has taken a huge hit. When he wants sex it's on his terms. Sometimes it's like I don't exist or have desires, if I get lucky he'll concentrate on me maybe twice a year.
Being ignored as a sexual being hurts and it builds and builds over time. The sex almost becomes secondary to the desire to just want to be desired....

#70 x1yyz

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 03:41 PM

View Posthobo73, on 08 March 2014 - 11:48 AM, said:

I see comments regarding porn- hubby and I watch it, we still have tons of sex and hell, it's enjoyable to watch lol

There's nothing wrong with porn, either used alone or with your partner.  And if you & your partner can share porn (as opposed to someone hiding it or getting mad about it) then yay!

#71 x1yyz

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 03:44 PM

View PostNarpzilla, on 08 March 2014 - 12:46 PM, said:

Being ignored as a sexual being hurts and it builds and builds over time. The sex almost becomes secondary to the desire to just want to be desired....

Sex aside, knowing you are wanted and the need for physical contact (hugs, touching, etc.) are basic human needs.  To be denied these things is wrong.

Narp, I know you said your marriage was good in non-physical ways, but is that good enough?  Are you sure it's the right relationship for you at this point in time?  (Well, after you recover.)  Let me know if I'm overstepping boundaries here...

#72 Turbine Freight

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 03:50 PM

Regarding the original article, why would anyone  post this on the 'Net? What is this addiction to entertaining the faceless mass with one's own private life? I just don't understand why anyone would put this in the public domain. Perhaps the world has changed & I haven't changed with it, but it just seems wrong to me.

#73 hobo73

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 04:22 PM

View Postx1yyz, on 08 March 2014 - 03:41 PM, said:

View Posthobo73, on 08 March 2014 - 11:48 AM, said:

I see comments regarding porn- hubby and I watch it, we still have tons of sex and hell, it's enjoyable to watch lol

There's nothing wrong with porn, either used alone or with your partner.  And if you & your partner can share porn (as opposed to someone hiding it or getting mad about it) then yay!

I just don't understand it when female friends of mine get all bent out of shape because their men watch porn. SO?!
I mean, if he's literally replacing his lady with porn, and is thoroughly obsessed/can't function without it, then yeah, that's a huge problem. But him enjoying it? Even on a near daily basis? so what?!
He's not allowed to enjoy those sorts of videos? I can't imagine trying to force my husband to stop watching them. Hell, then I'd be a hypocrite with my own late night viewings!! LOL

It's just porn. It's not like he's actually screwing another chick.

#74 hobo73

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 04:24 PM

View Postx1yyz, on 08 March 2014 - 03:44 PM, said:

View PostNarpzilla, on 08 March 2014 - 12:46 PM, said:

Being ignored as a sexual being hurts and it builds and builds over time. The sex almost becomes secondary to the desire to just want to be desired....

Sex aside, knowing you are wanted and the need for physical contact (hugs, touching, etc.) are basic human needs.  To be denied these things is wrong.

Narp, I know you said your marriage was good in non-physical ways, but is that good enough?  Are you sure it's the right relationship for you at this point in time?  (Well, after you recover.)  Let me know if I'm overstepping boundaries here...

There are plenty of good women who would be more than happy to make Narp their priority...he's a good man.

#75 Turbine Freight

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 04:29 PM

View Posthobo73, on 08 March 2014 - 04:22 PM, said:

View Postx1yyz, on 08 March 2014 - 03:41 PM, said:

View Posthobo73, on 08 March 2014 - 11:48 AM, said:

I see comments regarding porn- hubby and I watch it, we still have tons of sex and hell, it's enjoyable to watch lol

There's nothing wrong with porn, either used alone or with your partner.  And if you & your partner can share porn (as opposed to someone hiding it or getting mad about it) then yay!

I just don't understand it when female friends of mine get all bent out of shape because their men watch porn. SO?!
I mean, if he's literally replacing his lady with porn, and is thoroughly obsessed/can't function without it, then yeah, that's a huge problem. But him enjoying it? Even on a near daily basis? so what?!
He's not allowed to enjoy those sorts of videos? I can't imagine trying to force my husband to stop watching them. Hell, then I'd be a hypocrite with my own late night viewings!! LOL

It's just porn. It's not like he's actually screwing another chick.





#76 Narps

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 04:30 PM

View Postx1yyz, on 08 March 2014 - 03:44 PM, said:

View PostNarpzilla, on 08 March 2014 - 12:46 PM, said:

Being ignored as a sexual being hurts and it builds and builds over time. The sex almost becomes secondary to the desire to just want to be desired....

Sex aside, knowing you are wanted and the need for physical contact (hugs, touching, etc.) are basic human needs.  To be denied these things is wrong.

Narp, I know you said your marriage was good in non-physical ways, but is that good enough?  Are you sure it's the right relationship for you at this point in time?  (Well, after you recover.)  Let me know if I'm overstepping boundaries here...
No you are not overstepping any boundaries at all. The fact that you care enough to respond is touching. For me its been so many years (33) that I don't know what to feel at this point. It just seems easier to put up with it... :rose: Thanks

#77 Narps

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 04:31 PM

View Posthobo73, on 08 March 2014 - 04:24 PM, said:

View Postx1yyz, on 08 March 2014 - 03:44 PM, said:

View PostNarpzilla, on 08 March 2014 - 12:46 PM, said:

Being ignored as a sexual being hurts and it builds and builds over time. The sex almost becomes secondary to the desire to just want to be desired....

Sex aside, knowing you are wanted and the need for physical contact (hugs, touching, etc.) are basic human needs.  To be denied these things is wrong.

Narp, I know you said your marriage was good in non-physical ways, but is that good enough?  Are you sure it's the right relationship for you at this point in time?  (Well, after you recover.)  Let me know if I'm overstepping boundaries here...

There are plenty of good women who would be more than happy to make Narp their priority...he's a good man.
She is always right.... :D

#78 hobo73

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 05:38 PM

:hug2: :heart:

#79 Narps

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 05:47 PM

View Posthobo73, on 08 March 2014 - 05:38 PM, said:

:hug2: :heart:
Thanks cute stuff..... :rose:

#80 Slack jaw gaze

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 05:48 PM

View Postgangsterfurious, on 07 March 2014 - 12:54 PM, said:

OK so... back on topic.

I would think that if a man denies his wife sex and has all of these problems that he just isn't that into her, what do you guys think?
I believe you are correct, and I'll add that it is easy to see why.





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