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Gruden - Monday Night Football Grudenisms - The thread for classic Gruden commentary

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#1 treeduck

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Posted 09 September 2013 - 01:23 PM

A new season brings the return of Monday Night Football and the return of everyone's favourite accidental comedian Jon Gruden.

This is the thread where we can celebrate the many wacky comments that Jon comes up with. So add new ones as they come along!

Just to get things started here are some of the classic quotes from the past:


“I called him light switch, because he can go from 0 to 80 in a hurry.”

“When you see this guy with his shirt off, this guy is really put together.”

“I call him on AC/DC back; every run is hard.”

“I love to see big bodies bang.”

“Look for anything here.”

“This is where the Tampa Bay crowd has to make their two cents felt.”

“Gerald McCoy showing his get off right here. Just a quick penetration.”

“The Bears have more 3rd-and-8s, 3rd-and-10s than any other team in the league, I think.”

“He is built like a fire hydrant.”

On Kyle Vanden Bosch: “He eats glass for breakfast.”

“The Jets have to walk the talk.”

“I’ve learned a lot of four and five syllable words from Jaworski. I don’t even know if they’re real words.”

“They have pummeled every quarterback they’ve seen. Some of this is rated R, I’d hate to show it to you back home.”

“Watch him squirt through this hole and unload at contact.”

“I don’t understand football anymore.”


“I hate to get too excited about effort, but boy, it’s one of the things that excites me the most.”

“Sanzenbacher, I love that name.”

“I fell off my bed. I almost hit my head and died!”

“That’s just the shredder right there, Jaws.”

“Every day Brees comes to work, Payton stimulates him.”

“You need LeBron James to cover this kid.”

“Nate Solder is a joker deluxe.”

“That might be the worst hat I’ve ever seen.”

“I thought that was Wes Welker. Where does Bill Belichick find these guys?”


“Can you imagine Blake Griffin rushing the passer, GOOD NIGHT!”

“He stood in there like an old riverboat gambler and gunned that ball right on the money.

“Pot Roast, I called him Pork Chop earlier. I put pork chops in my pot roast.”

“Tebow is a rock ‘n’ roll legend.”

“He’ll shuffle across the formation and shoot his gun, POW!”

“This is a mysterious group of Rams, a lot of these guys just met each other.”

During an argument with Jaworski: “That’s why there’s 31 flavors of ice cream.”

“Go get some Skittles if you’re a young back and see what they do for you.”

“These Skittles, I gotta find out what’s in these things.”

“Get clearance to launch one to the missile Mike Wallace.”

“If i’m an official and I go under the hood, I’m gonna say it’s close enough, give it to him.”

“I call him road rage. He runs with a rage.”


“Julio Jones is a 6′ 4″ stalion!!”

“That’s our AC/DC loud and hard run right here.”

“Flipped it like a volleyball.”

“I’m dizzy.”

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#2 Lost In Xanadu

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Posted 09 September 2013 - 01:25 PM

'This guy' can't wait for tonight

#3 Babycat

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Posted 09 September 2013 - 05:14 PM

Had me in hysterics!  :P


Thanks for the tag, Duck!  :D

#4 treeduck

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Posted 09 September 2013 - 05:28 PM

 Babycat, on 09 September 2013 - 05:14 PM, said:

Had me in hysterics!  :P


Thanks for the tag, Duck!  :D

:sundog: :pussy: :ebert:

#5 Ancient Ways

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Posted 09 September 2013 - 07:15 PM

His double talk on tv is interesting.  Can't say his players or the fans thought it was funny for long here.

#6 treeduck

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Posted 09 September 2013 - 07:24 PM

 Ancient Ways, on 09 September 2013 - 07:15 PM, said:

His double talk on tv is interesting.  Can't say his players or the fans thought it was funny for long here.
Well he got you a Superbowl crown didn't he? Must put him a little higher than all the other guys. :hail:

#7 Ancient Ways

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Posted 09 September 2013 - 09:05 PM

 treeduck, on 09 September 2013 - 07:24 PM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 09 September 2013 - 07:15 PM, said:

His double talk on tv is interesting.  Can't say his players or the fans thought it was funny for long here.
Well he got you a Superbowl crown didn't he? Must put him a little higher than all the other guys. :hail:

The guys from that era have more love for dungy than gruden by a long shot.  They're glad they have the championship but have more respect for the way dungy handled his business and his people.  He talked to them straight and had respect

#8 treeduck

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Posted 09 September 2013 - 09:40 PM

 Ancient Ways, on 09 September 2013 - 09:05 PM, said:

 treeduck, on 09 September 2013 - 07:24 PM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 09 September 2013 - 07:15 PM, said:

His double talk on tv is interesting.  Can't say his players or the fans thought it was funny for long here.
Well he got you a Superbowl crown didn't he? Must put him a little higher than all the other guys. :hail:

The guys from that era have more love for dungy than gruden by a long shot.  They're glad they have the championship but have more respect for the way dungy handled his business and his people.  He talked to them straight and had respect
What do they make of Gregory Edward Schiano??

#9 alphseeker

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Posted 10 September 2013 - 10:24 AM

I'd rather listen to Gruden than listen to Chris Berman call a game.  His Monday night commentating was atrocious.  Worst game I ever watched and that wasn't because because the Chargers choked.

#10 Lost In Xanadu

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Posted 10 September 2013 - 01:04 PM

 alphseeker, on 10 September 2013 - 10:24 AM, said:

I'd rather listen to Gruden than listen to Chris Berman call a game.  His Monday night commentating was atrocious.  Worst game I ever watched and that wasn't because because the Chargers choked.
It was pitiful. :yes:

#11 treeduck

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Posted 10 September 2013 - 01:19 PM

 Lost In Xanadu, on 10 September 2013 - 01:04 PM, said:

 alphseeker, on 10 September 2013 - 10:24 AM, said:

I'd rather listen to Gruden than listen to Chris Berman call a game.  His Monday night commentating was atrocious.  Worst game I ever watched and that wasn't because because the Chargers choked.
It was pitiful. :yes:
His voice sounded like someone was doing a "Police Academy" to him under the desk...



#12 laughedatbytime

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Posted 10 September 2013 - 05:45 PM

 Lost In Xanadu, on 10 September 2013 - 01:04 PM, said:

 alphseeker, on 10 September 2013 - 10:24 AM, said:

I'd rather listen to Gruden than listen to Chris Berman call a game.  His Monday night commentating was atrocious.  Worst game I ever watched and that wasn't because because the Chargers choked.
It was pitiful. :yes:
There is a home run derby in hell, it lasts for an eternity, and Berman is calling it.

#13 Ancient Ways

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Posted 10 September 2013 - 07:46 PM

 treeduck, on 09 September 2013 - 09:40 PM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 09 September 2013 - 09:05 PM, said:

 treeduck, on 09 September 2013 - 07:24 PM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 09 September 2013 - 07:15 PM, said:

His double talk on tv is interesting.  Can't say his players or the fans thought it was funny for long here.
Well he got you a Superbowl crown didn't he? Must put him a little higher than all the other guys. :hail:

The guys from that era have more love for dungy than gruden by a long shot.  They're glad they have the championship but have more respect for the way dungy handled his business and his people.  He talked to them straight and had respect


What do they make of Gregory Edward Schiano??

Don't hear a lot about it.  I know most players liked the discipline after Raheem.  Having Raheem in charge was like putting the oldest kid in high school in charge of a field trip.  As an nfl coach he seems a bit over his head still

#14 treeduck

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Posted 11 September 2013 - 03:08 AM

 Ancient Ways, on 10 September 2013 - 07:46 PM, said:

 treeduck, on 09 September 2013 - 09:40 PM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 09 September 2013 - 09:05 PM, said:

 treeduck, on 09 September 2013 - 07:24 PM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 09 September 2013 - 07:15 PM, said:

His double talk on tv is interesting.  Can't say his players or the fans thought it was funny for long here.
Well he got you a Superbowl crown didn't he? Must put him a little higher than all the other guys. :hail:

The guys from that era have more love for dungy than gruden by a long shot.  They're glad they have the championship but have more respect for the way dungy handled his business and his people.  He talked to them straight and had respect


What do they make of Gregory Edward Schiano??

Don't hear a lot about it.  I know most players liked the discipline after Raheem.  Having Raheem in charge was like putting the oldest kid in high school in charge of a field trip.  As an nfl coach he seems a bit over his head still
The Bucs schedule looks that little bit harder after week 1. Losing to the Jets one of the weaker teams they play was bad, and then two of the other weaker teams they've got, the Eagles and the Lions, suddenly look dangerous.

#15 Ancient Ways

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Posted 13 September 2013 - 05:46 AM

 treeduck, on 11 September 2013 - 03:08 AM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 10 September 2013 - 07:46 PM, said:

 treeduck, on 09 September 2013 - 09:40 PM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 09 September 2013 - 09:05 PM, said:

 treeduck, on 09 September 2013 - 07:24 PM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 09 September 2013 - 07:15 PM, said:

His double talk on tv is interesting.  Can't say his players or the fans thought it was funny for long here.
Well he got you a Superbowl crown didn't he? Must put him a little higher than all the other guys. :hail:

The guys from that era have more love for dungy than gruden by a long shot.  They're glad they have the championship but have more respect for the way dungy handled his business and his people.  He talked to them straight and had respect


What do they make of Gregory Edward Schiano??

Don't hear a lot about it.  I know most players liked the discipline after Raheem.  Having Raheem in charge was like putting the oldest kid in high school in charge of a field trip.  As an nfl coach he seems a bit over his head still
The Bucs schedule looks that little bit harder after week 1. Losing to the Jets one of the weaker teams they play was bad, and then two of the other weaker teams they've got, the Eagles and the Lions, suddenly look dangerous.

A lot of turmoil here now.  There are reports that Shiano rigged the team vote to keep freeman from being a captain and there is definitely an issue between them.  Shiano reported that freeman missed a team photo and  was late to some meetings.

#16 laughedatbytime

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Posted 13 September 2013 - 06:25 AM

 Ancient Ways, on 13 September 2013 - 05:46 AM, said:

 treeduck, on 11 September 2013 - 03:08 AM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 10 September 2013 - 07:46 PM, said:

 treeduck, on 09 September 2013 - 09:40 PM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 09 September 2013 - 09:05 PM, said:

 treeduck, on 09 September 2013 - 07:24 PM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 09 September 2013 - 07:15 PM, said:

His double talk on tv is interesting.  Can't say his players or the fans thought it was funny for long here.
Well he got you a Superbowl crown didn't he? Must put him a little higher than all the other guys. :hail:

The guys from that era have more love for dungy than gruden by a long shot.  They're glad they have the championship but have more respect for the way dungy handled his business and his people.  He talked to them straight and had respect


What do they make of Gregory Edward Schiano??

Don't hear a lot about it.  I know most players liked the discipline after Raheem.  Having Raheem in charge was like putting the oldest kid in high school in charge of a field trip.  As an nfl coach he seems a bit over his head still
The Bucs schedule looks that little bit harder after week 1. Losing to the Jets one of the weaker teams they play was bad, and then two of the other weaker teams they've got, the Eagles and the Lions, suddenly look dangerous.

A lot of turmoil here now.  There are reports that Shiano rigged the team vote to keep freeman from being a captain and there is definitely an issue between them.  Shiano reported that freeman missed a team photo and  was late to some meetings.
If he's missing meetings, that is a big deal...a) as the QB he needs to be the team leader and set an example, and b ) his job is hanging by a thread anyway.   What an idiot...Schiano should be pissed.

If Schiano is lying about Freeman missing meetings, he should be fired immediately.

#17 Lost In Xanadu

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Posted 13 September 2013 - 10:14 AM

 laughedatbytime, on 13 September 2013 - 06:25 AM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 13 September 2013 - 05:46 AM, said:

 treeduck, on 11 September 2013 - 03:08 AM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 10 September 2013 - 07:46 PM, said:

 treeduck, on 09 September 2013 - 09:40 PM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 09 September 2013 - 09:05 PM, said:

 treeduck, on 09 September 2013 - 07:24 PM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 09 September 2013 - 07:15 PM, said:

His double talk on tv is interesting.  Can't say his players or the fans thought it was funny for long here.
Well he got you a Superbowl crown didn't he? Must put him a little higher than all the other guys. :hail:

The guys from that era have more love for dungy than gruden by a long shot.  They're glad they have the championship but have more respect for the way dungy handled his business and his people.  He talked to them straight and had respect


What do they make of Gregory Edward Schiano??

Don't hear a lot about it.  I know most players liked the discipline after Raheem.  Having Raheem in charge was like putting the oldest kid in high school in charge of a field trip.  As an nfl coach he seems a bit over his head still
The Bucs schedule looks that little bit harder after week 1. Losing to the Jets one of the weaker teams they play was bad, and then two of the other weaker teams they've got, the Eagles and the Lions, suddenly look dangerous.

A lot of turmoil here now.  There are reports that Shiano rigged the team vote to keep freeman from being a captain and there is definitely an issue between them.  Shiano reported that freeman missed a team photo and  was late to some meetings.
If he's missing meetings, that is a big deal...a) as the QB he needs to be the team leader and set an example, and b ) his job is hanging by a thread anyway.   What an idiot...Schiano should be pissed.

If Schiano is lying about Freeman missing meetings, he should be fired immediately.
I cannot stand Schiano, but I agree with him here.

#18 treeduck

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Posted 13 September 2013 - 12:17 PM

 Lost In Xanadu, on 13 September 2013 - 10:14 AM, said:

 laughedatbytime, on 13 September 2013 - 06:25 AM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 13 September 2013 - 05:46 AM, said:

 treeduck, on 11 September 2013 - 03:08 AM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 10 September 2013 - 07:46 PM, said:

 treeduck, on 09 September 2013 - 09:40 PM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 09 September 2013 - 09:05 PM, said:

 treeduck, on 09 September 2013 - 07:24 PM, said:

 Ancient Ways, on 09 September 2013 - 07:15 PM, said:

His double talk on tv is interesting.  Can't say his players or the fans thought it was funny for long here.
Well he got you a Superbowl crown didn't he? Must put him a little higher than all the other guys. :hail:

The guys from that era have more love for dungy than gruden by a long shot.  They're glad they have the championship but have more respect for the way dungy handled his business and his people.  He talked to them straight and had respect


What do they make of Gregory Edward Schiano??

Don't hear a lot about it.  I know most players liked the discipline after Raheem.  Having Raheem in charge was like putting the oldest kid in high school in charge of a field trip.  As an nfl coach he seems a bit over his head still
The Bucs schedule looks that little bit harder after week 1. Losing to the Jets one of the weaker teams they play was bad, and then two of the other weaker teams they've got, the Eagles and the Lions, suddenly look dangerous.

A lot of turmoil here now.  There are reports that Shiano rigged the team vote to keep freeman from being a captain and there is definitely an issue between them.  Shiano reported that freeman missed a team photo and  was late to some meetings.
If he's missing meetings, that is a big deal...a) as the QB he needs to be the team leader and set an example, and b ) his job is hanging by a thread anyway.   What an idiot...Schiano should be pissed.

If Schiano is lying about Freeman missing meetings, he should be fired immediately.
I cannot stand Schiano, but I agree with him here.
There's a possibility we might take advantage of all this... :clap:

#19 treeduck

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Posted 16 September 2013 - 07:52 PM

Gruden is in the booth, the scurge of commentating aficionados everywhere!

#20 Ancient Ways

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Posted 16 September 2013 - 07:56 PM

If he's smart he will be there as long as madden was.  Solid money and a cake job but still gets to talk to coaches and players and watch tape.





Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: babycat, clowney, gruden, big bodies banging, light switch, fire hydrant, AC/DC back, quick penetration, look for anything here

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