Ladies, my husband's friend is really starting to scare me a little.

[hobo73]

How would you react? It's so crazy it's hard for me to even wrap my head around.

My husband has been friends with a guy, Phil, since they were both in high school. Phil has made it no secret he has a crush on me. My hubby (Jeff) knew and Phil never used to cross the line with me. He kept things polite and never said things to me when Jeff wasn't in the room.

In short, simple,light flirting. He told me if it started to bother me, to let him know.

 

Well, I told him hell YES, it is bothering me now.

 

Trying to make this as short and to the point as possible. A couple weeks ago Phil got trashed and started saying really inappropriate things and, as the night went on, got a little "hands on", if you know what I mean.

I slapped the hell out of him and eventually he blacked out. The next day he seemed genuinely horrified when I told him what happened. He said he doesn't remember it, which, with how trashed he was, I honestly don't doubt. I still told him being drunk isn't an excuse that'll make me go "OH yeah, never mind!"- his behavior was still unacceptable.

 

Lately we've been hearing rumors that Phil started smoking crack. It might explain his sudden mood swings and change in personality.

 

He keeps telling me his car breaking down is the "only reason I haven't surprised you at home while Jeff is at work".

You don't "surprise" your friends' wife when she and her child are home alone, and keep it a secret from your friend. You don't wait til he's at work to do it. I don't like surprise visits and would not let him in anyhow.

 

Yesterday he told me such a tasteless, offensive joke, it disgusted me. And it takes a LOT for me to call something "tasteless".

It was really one of the things you hear and say "OK...time for you to stay away from me and my kid...."

In the span of 20 minutes he sent me several IM's, all like "hey. hey what's up. :) :) hey. whatcha doin? hey." Nonstop.

He demands to know why I don't message him when I am "clearly online". I don't have to explain myself to anybody.

 

he has told me very sexual things and is being very aggressive now. I woke up this morning to a picture he sent me:

 

http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e337/hobo73/1234226_10201825860598294_1000940607_n.jpg

 

...again, not something you send to your best friends' wife. Might I add he hasn't spoken to my husband since the drunken night?

 

My reply:

 

 

Phil, please don't send me things like this. It's like you're pushing all these things at me after that awkward night and it's too much.

I'm not comfortable with it, you said I could always tell you when it bothered me and now I am.

 

.....sorry it's kinda long, I'm just really creeped out and, to be honest, a little scared. He has been getting more and more aggressive, tells me he is "getting obsessed" with me, at one point tried to tell me he loved me.

Jeff absolutely knows everything, and doesn't want Phil around, either. He's very upset after I showed him all the things Phil has been writing me.

 

But since technically he hasn't done anything, all I can do at the moment is tell him to stay away. And keep the doors locked when I'm home alone. -____-

 

....not even sure what I'm looking for. I feel like I have to tell people to make it more real to me. It's ridiculous.

[1-0-0-1-0-0-1]

Hmmm...if he doesn't adhere to that last request of yours to cut it out, tell him you'll get your husband involved -- that the next warning he gets will be from Jeff directly.

[hobo73]

Hmmm...if he doesn't adhere to that last request of yours to cut it out, tell him you'll get your husband involved -- that the next warning he gets will be from Jeff directly.

 

Absolutely. Thanks.

Jeff put it in different terms, but he will be more than happy to visit Phil personally if it keeps up.

[crimsonfrippy]

hobo,

 

Block him from sending you texts, im, phone calls, emails. Everything.

 

Your husband needs to have a sit down with him immediately. If he was really your husband's friend he would not act this way.

 

 

Take care,

 

frippy

[OneLittleVictory]

You and Jeff should double team him and put him in the hospital. He'll back off for sure.

[hobo73]

You and Jeff should double team him and put him in the hospital. He'll back off for sure.

 

I've slapped the snot out of him before, I could go for an old-fashioned beat down if it persists LOL!

 

So many weird, mixed emotions about all this. Something I keep thinking is- he was supposed to go to a show with us Saturday. Things got in the way and now he can't make it. Really glad to hear it. Even if he still could have, I wouldn't let him.

[The Analog Grownup]

It's important that you and Jeff stand united on this matter. At this point I'd already be at "my friends" front door knocking, if it was my wife or girlfriend this was happening too. But I think the admin said it best - have Jeff issue the next warning or consequence.

 

And if he indeed is starting to smoke crack, he needs to go to rehab. First of all you can't rely on his reasoning, and who knows what he might else do, and to whom!

[Del_Duio]

To me, this is really open and shut:

 

You shouldn't contact him anymore in any way, your husband needs to also cut ties with this guy and have him tell the guy to back the f**k off ASAP, and if he continues to act like this get the police involved.

 

You tried being nice, it didn't work. Don't become a future statistic because of inaction.

[hobo73]

It's important that you and Jeff stand united on this matter. At this point I'd already be at "my friends" front door knocking, if it was my wife or girlfriend this was happening too. But I think the admin said it best - have Jeff issue the next warning or consequence.

 

And if he indeed is starting to smoke crack, he needs to go to rehab. First of all you can't rely on his reasoning, and who knows what he might else do, and to whom!

 

I am happy to say yes, Jeff has my back and is more than willing to issue the nest warning. He saw how freaked out I was last night after getting bombarded with IM's from the guy.

Phil's brother told Jeff a couple weeks ago that Phil started smoking crack, which Jeff and I both laughed off. Billy and Phil HATE each other and Billy's been known to constantly make up stories about him. Just to start trouble, you know.

I've known a fair amount of druggies, it would explain the mood changes in him. He gets very antsy and defensive out of nowhere.

 

I think I'll tell him now that the next time he is inappropriate with me, he will have Jeff to answer to. Let's see how this goes!

[hobo73]

To me, this is really open and shut:

 

You shouldn't contact him anymore in any way, your husband needs to also cut ties with this guy and have him tell the guy to back the f**k off ASAP, and if he continues to act like this get the police involved.

 

You tried being nice, it didn't work. Don't become a future statistic because of inaction.

 

OH no, not a statistic. Dealt with a nutjob psycho before, I'll do it again. He already isn't welcome here anymore- he just needs to be out of our lives at this point. Even if he stopped all together I would never feel right around him again.

 

Messaging him now. Don't feel like talking on the phone with him, too intimate.

[The Analog Grownup]

I'm hoping the best for you

[Mika]

This sounds like it's getting scary, and it's not good. Regardless of Phil's feelings for you, whether genuine or enhanced by the whole 'tempted by what he can't have' thing, he is disrespecting his friendship with your husband, and disrespecting your feelings as he's making you uncomfortable. Has he responded to the message you sent him to back off? The suspicion of him doing drugs makes this whole thing worse, too - what would stop him from taking himself up on his 'threat' of coming over when you're alone, while he's erratic on drugs? This could be really bad. :(

 

I'm glad your husband is aware of everything... that would be the first thing I'd say: tell him everything that's going on. As Analog Grownup says, he needs to be totally with you on this.

 

Phil is crossing lines, and he needs to back off, and if not, ties may have to be severed with him, but if he is a bit erratic and acting on the passion of the 'forbidden fruit', this could actually push him deeper into stalker-ish territory. Hopefully he will listen to you both and tone his advances down, and find someone else to focus on - I'm assuming he's single?

 

Hope things work out, and don't get scary! <--- the regular, friend kind of hug, not the creepy kind he's looking for! :)

[hobo73]

I'm hoping the best for you

 

Thanks *hugs* :)

 

well, it's done. Told him no visits, no messages, no calls, no nothing and if he keeps at it, I will get the cops involved and he will find Jeff at his front door.

 

Thanks guys :) My brain has been really mixed up since this all started. UGH it just needed to come out.

[Del_Duio]

To me, this is really open and shut:

 

You shouldn't contact him anymore in any way, your husband needs to also cut ties with this guy and have him tell the guy to back the f**k off ASAP, and if he continues to act like this get the police involved.

 

You tried being nice, it didn't work. Don't become a future statistic because of inaction.

 

OH no, not a statistic. Dealt with a nutjob psycho before, I'll do it again. He already isn't welcome here anymore- he just needs to be out of our lives at this point. Even if he stopped all together I would never feel right around him again.

 

Messaging him now. Don't feel like talking on the phone with him, too intimate.

 

Oh I have to add this but I'd say it's also not appropriate for him to contact you directly about anything, I mean he's best friends with your husband it should be between those two. Obviously when you're all together somewhere people can talk and that's fine but for him to contact you directly and kind of bypass his best friend.. Eh, I don't know maybe my age is showing but something's kind of wrong with that IMO.

[hobo73]

This sounds like it's getting scary, and it's not good. Regardless of Phil's feelings for you, whether genuine or enhanced by the whole 'tempted by what he can't have' thing, he is disrespecting his friendship with your husband, and disrespecting your feelings as he's making you uncomfortable. Has he responded to the message you sent him to back off? The suspicion of him doing drugs makes this whole thing worse, too - what would stop him from taking himself up on his 'threat' of coming over when you're alone, while he's erratic on drugs? This could be really bad. :(

 

I'm glad your husband is aware of everything... that would be the first thing I'd say: tell him everything that's going on. As Analog Grownup says, he needs to be totally with you on this.

 

Phil is crossing lines, and he needs to back off, and if not, ties may have to be severed with him, but if he is a bit erratic and acting on the passion of the 'forbidden fruit', this could actually push him deeper into stalker-ish territory. Hopefully he will listen to you both and tone his advances down, and find someone else to focus on - I'm assuming he's single?

 

Hope things work out, and don't get scary! <--- the regular, friend kind of hug, not the creepy kind he's looking for! :)

 

I'm smiling now lol :)

big hugs!!

 

he's gotten personal before and let's just say he hasn't had any serious girlfriends and/or "bed mates". He tells me of one woman in particular, he proposed to her several times and he doesn't seem phased by her saying no each time. He said every now and then he asks her, and is dead serious, and maybe one day she'll say yes. 0_o

He gets carried away because of his bad luck with the ladies. So he's the type, once he has a crush on a chick and thinks there's a tiny chance it'll work, he gets overly excited and clingy and my god just SMOTHERING.

 

His car is very loud and everytime I hear a car that sounds like his I find myself peeking out the window, ready to rush over to the door and lock it. It sucks.

[Del_Duio]

I'm hoping the best for you

 

Thanks *hugs* :)

 

well, it's done. Told him no visits, no messages, no calls, no nothing and if he keeps at it, I will get the cops involved and he will find Jeff at his front door.

 

Thanks guys :) My brain has been really mixed up since this all started. UGH it just needed to come out.

 

No sense in getting Jeff shot by a crackhead if it comes to that, just have the cops show up at his door I'm sure they deal with guys worse than him all the time :D

[hobo73]

To me, this is really open and shut:

 

You shouldn't contact him anymore in any way, your husband needs to also cut ties with this guy and have him tell the guy to back the f**k off ASAP, and if he continues to act like this get the police involved.

 

You tried being nice, it didn't work. Don't become a future statistic because of inaction.

 

OH no, not a statistic. Dealt with a nutjob psycho before, I'll do it again. He already isn't welcome here anymore- he just needs to be out of our lives at this point. Even if he stopped all together I would never feel right around him again.

 

Messaging him now. Don't feel like talking on the phone with him, too intimate.

 

Oh I have to add this but I'd say it's also not appropriate for him to contact you directly about anything, I mean he's best friends with your husband it should be between those two. Obviously when you're all together somewhere people can talk and that's fine but for him to contact you directly and kind of bypass his best friend.. Eh, I don't know maybe my age is showing but something's kind of wrong with that IMO.

 

I agree 100 percent- I had no idea he hasn't spoken to Jeff in so long when he contacts me all day every day.

[Alsgalpal]

Quit responding. Place him on any/every ignore feature available to you and then have your husband deal with him directly.

 

Don't threaten, just do it.

 

 

Do not answer your doors while your husband is gone, and lock EVERYTHING and always keep your daughter/cell phone within instant reach.

[hobo73]

Quit responding. Place him on any/every ignore feature available to you and then have your husband deal with him directly.

 

Don't threaten, just do it.

 

 

Do not answer your doors while your husband is gone, and lock EVERYTHING and always keep your daughter/cell phone within instant reach.

 

He is trying to send me super long "I'm so sorry!!!!" messages but admits he still doesn't understand why what he did was so wrong. He is saying this is "just the way I am when a woman shows any interest in me....or doesn't push me away once I start to flirt".

He asked for his CDs back which, of course, I won't be a b*tch and keep his stuff (he let me borrow CDs to put on my computer). Jeff will be given the CDs to give to him.

 

He is blocked now. I feel much better but still leery. I don't want to hear how much brighter I made his life, and it frustrates me to no end how his whole attitude is "I SAID sorry. what more do you want?!" then right back to "But I just don't see what I did wrong? NOOOO I'm sorry!!!!!"

It will be very hard for Lucy as she has grown to calling him Uncle Phil. But what's done is done....

 

...am I the only one who wants to smack their head when, after explaining numerous times your valid reasons for being offended, somebody STILL just does not get it????

He still keeps going back to "well I was drunk that night." I don't care. "Alcohol just makes me act out on things." You could've warned me alcohol makes you slightly rape-y before drinking. Again, not an excuse. He's just trying to justify it and I won't listen to it.

 

Thanks for letting me vent, everyone :)

Now to sort out these very strange emotions, feeling very odd today. Mainly sad. Why does it have to be someone I've known and trusted for a while? makes it harder to think about.

[Lost In Xanadu]

Sounds like he just wants to see your boobs. Just get it out of the way, and I'm SURE he'll leave you alone after that.

[hobo73]

^ Yeah, last thing I need is for him to think all is ok after I flash him!

[EagleMoon]

I agree with what everyone else is saying. If this guy is weirding you out, then it's time to take action. Sounds like he's getting desperate and the drugs (if he is doing them) could just send him over the edge. Be very careful around people like this, they can get violent and do scary things out of that desperation.

[Lost In Xanadu]

I agree with what everyone else is saying. If this guy is weirding you out, then it's time to take action. Sounds like he's getting desperate and the drugs (if he is doing them) could just send him over the edge. Be very careful around people like this, they can get violent and do scary things out of that desperation.

Well.... not EVERYONE. I was being a smartass.

[hobo73]

Thanks guys :)

Needed the opinions of others to let me know what I am doing is ok. Deep down I knew I had every right to sever ties with him, but worried that he would make me feel like I was being unreasonable (he tried). Knowing he is the only one saying I'm not being fair makes me feel much better. :)

 

And LOL Xanadu, I knew you were joking =D

 

Jeff will be delivering his CDs back to him and has a few words for him. He is 100 percent supportive of me and said he doesn't care how long they've been friends, nobody disrespects his wife. He's even more upset that Phil called me a liar.

I was worried Jeff might be upset and feel like I was making him choose between the guy he's been friends with for years, or me. Turns out he wasted no time taking my side in this, and I am very grateful <3

[Mika]

Phil called you a liar? Like, how? Like, refuting everything you've said he did...?

 

I don't like the sound of that.