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#21 crimsonfrippy

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 07:44 PM

gangsterfurious,

My hubby and I have been married 18 years and yes, there have been times it has been diffcult.  Of course, marriage is work and it takes work from both people.  However, just today I was saying how I thought I was fat.  I am 5'2 and 160 but I have good muscle tone so I don't look as heavy as I am.  He looked at me and said, you are too hard on yourself and he thinks I am the most beautfiul woman.  He wants me to be happy.  I know I need to lose weight for health reasons but I'm not getting grief from him because he accepts me for who I am.  Your husband should do the same.

If he doesn't do it now I doubt he ever will.

I hope the best for you and him....but really for you.

If you ever want to talk, please shoot me a pm.

Take care,

frippy

Edited by frippy, 13 July 2013 - 07:45 PM.


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#22 Principled Man

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 09:03 PM

View Postgangsterfurious, on 13 July 2013 - 10:33 AM, said:

The thing is, out of all of this. I resent myself the most for allowing this marriage to take place, for not seeing the signs, for believing him when he said things would get better and that he is soooooo in love with me. He's not in love with me. In fact, I know he's "just not that into me". But he would say otherwise and I'm always stupid enough to believe him.

Perhaps a little "shock therapy" is in order.  Take a few days off.....as in pack a suitcase and stay with someone else, or go off by yourself.  By all means, tell him WHY you're going.....I suggest giving him the exact same concerns you posted here.          

Perhaps a few days apart will motivate both of you to see your marriage differently.  If he is taking you for granted, then a few days absence may snap him out of it.  If he is inept at being romantic and passionate, then perhaps he'll be motivated to apply himself more.  Most importantly, time away will enable both of you to determine if you really want to be with each other.  If you don't miss him, or if he doesn't miss you, then that will answer your question.  

In this man's opinion, being married is never an excuse for a man (or woman) to become complacent or stagnant.  You still have to win the other's heart.  The game is never over....

:sundog:   :sundog:  :sundog:



#23 Chicken hawk

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Posted 14 July 2013 - 01:16 AM

Your sorry you let the marriage take place?  Thats not good.  
Your partner should be your number ONE.

Im sorry your relationship isnt working. After marriage...people dont try anymore.  Well not everyone.  They give up.

#24 Rhyta

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Posted 14 July 2013 - 05:30 AM

View Postgangsterfurious, on 13 July 2013 - 12:05 PM, said:

View Postumoveme, on 13 July 2013 - 11:20 AM, said:

I'm so sorry.
I know it's very painful (for 20 different reasons).
I have totally been there.

....and the comments about your weight and flexibility are 100% mean, creepy and just wrong.

I was bulimic on and off from ages 16 to 26 and he knows this. It's hard for me. I've gained a lot of weight because I've made the conscious decision to not have an eating disorder but I still overeat a little, especially when I am stressed out. But also, because of the bulimia, I ended up messing with my metabolism and body and it's made things even harder for me.

But yeah, those are just some of the comments.

I've actually told him I don't want to be with him again until I've lost weight because I'm worried about what he might say but then he tells me I'm fine, I'm beautiful, he loves me just the way I am. But I don't know what to believe after he's made those other comments. I was 162 lbs (5'5) when we started dating and when I got down to the 140's he was like "I'm so glad you're thinner, it makes things so much better, you're so much more attractive." I understand that thinner people are found more attractive. And I won't lie and say that I don't feel better or have more confidence when I am at lowest weights but deep down inside I just want to be loved and wanted for who I am by the person I married and I don't get that from him when he's saying things like that.
Oh I have been there and it is not fun.  My ex said a lot of the same things, he liked me better when I lost weight and wouldn't touch me or even hold hands if I had gained weight.  In all honesty if he can't accept you for yourself, it won't be worth staying.  I tried for 5 years to lose weight to keep him happy and it made me hate myself and I felt like a failure when I gave up and got a divorce.  But I wasn't a failure, I later met and married a sweetheart of a guy who loves me how I am.

Unless he is serious about going to counseling or working on your issues, then the prospects of it getting better are grim.  It hurts a lot to have someone put you down like that. And denying the honeymoon, just not right.

I hope this thread will help you decide what your next step is and be brave.  You don't have to go through it alone. :hug2:

Edited by Rhyta, 14 July 2013 - 05:33 AM.


#25 Babycat

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Posted 14 July 2013 - 09:59 AM

Still thinking of you.  :hug2:

Edited by Babycat, 14 July 2013 - 10:01 AM.


#26 treeduck

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Posted 14 July 2013 - 12:59 PM

View PostBabycat, on 14 July 2013 - 09:59 AM, said:

Still thinking of you.  :hug2:
Babycat is going to illegally marry a pack of tom cats and become the ultimate crazy cat lady! :pussy:

#27 Mara

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Posted 14 July 2013 - 04:39 PM

Have you ever considered putting it all down in a letter to him?  I did this once (married 10 years) and it made an impact for sure.  It gives you a chance to really explain things without the other partner getting all defensive and redirecting the conversation.

If you do this, it's important to not be accusatory.  Use lots of "I" messages.  Instead of  "You never want to go and do anything different anymore", phrase it as "I really miss going and trying new restaurants with you.  That's one of my favorite things to do with you."  Or, "It hurts to hear comments about my weight.  It makes me feel ugly and unloveable."  Etc., etc.

The first year IS hard. And you're always going to have the odd moment (hopefully rare) when you're so exasperated that you start wondering, "WHY IN THE HELL DID I MARRY THIS PERSON????  WTF WAS I THINKING????"  Trust me, so will your husband,  even 20 years after the wedding!

Oh, and my "proposal"?  We'd been living together for about 6 months and I came home one day and announced, "I called Rick (our favorite priest) and made an appointment with him to start planning marriage.  We're all having breakfast this Thursday."  His response? "OK, cool!"  Honestly I thought your dog poo story was kind of funny - it's definitely different and sort of a humorous spin on the usual "oh, he got down on one knee as the sun was setting. . . . blah, blah, blah."

Edited by Mara, 14 July 2013 - 05:19 PM.


#28 Amy Farrah Fowler

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Posted 14 July 2013 - 04:56 PM

View PostMara, on 14 July 2013 - 04:39 PM, said:


Oh, and my "proposal"?  We'd been living together for about 6 months and I came home one day and announced, "I called Rick (our favorite priest) and made an appointment with him to start planning marriage.  We're all having breakfast this Thursday."  His response? "OK, cool!"  Honestly I thought your dog poo story was kind of funny - it's definitely different and sort of a humorous spin on the usual "oh, he got down on one knee as the sun was setting. . . . blah, blah, blah."

Yep...I think there are too many expectations in life that no one can ever be held to.  Movies, TV and those with so much money they don't know what to do with but make people feel inferior make us all think that's how life should be...and the reality is we're all just trying to get through the day and maintain some happiness.

No one should be made to feel inferior, but if you go around thinking that because every moment isn't as perfect as it is in a script, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.  And you WILL be disappointed every single time.

Writing a letter may be a good idea.  If he doesn't respond to that - and considering what you have described just months into your marriage - I'm not willing to bet he would be one to better himself through counseling.

Whatever you do...I'd keep kids off the radar until you two can achieve some equilibrium.  Kids will NOT make your marriage better if it is already bad - having two within the first three years of our marriage was not fun and we were already pretty stable as husband and wife at that point.

#29 gangsterfurious

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Posted 15 July 2013 - 11:07 AM

I want to thank you guys for all of your responses, for reading my post, and for sharing your lives with me as well.

I think the letter idea is excellent. Maybe I will sit down and compose an e-mail to him and see if it helps. He apologized for his remarks about the yoga and the weight, he knows I have a hard time with things. I sincerely don't think he says those things to be mean, it's not that, but he just says what he thinks and doesn't really worry about how it might effect who he is saying it to.

I know people say the first year is the hardest. I just didn't think that applied to us because we had been living together for nearly 4 years before we married so I thought we had things down well enough. I really don't know why marriage changes things, I wish I had it figured out.

I thought there were a few things in the beginning that would cause problems but you know, I don't want to judge when I myself am flawed and I know that we are all on this journey and hopefully trying to better ourselves, which is what I expected from him. These days I don't see it as much as I once did, maybe I'm not looking.

#30 Lorraine

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Posted 15 July 2013 - 11:14 AM

Gangster, living together before marriage means nothing.  I knew a couple that lived together for TWELVE years before they got married and were divorced before they made it through even one year of marriage.  

I think your husband genuinely loves you, and I am not telling you that to make you feel good or better.   If you give it more time, I am sure things will work out.

Edited by Lorraine, 15 July 2013 - 11:14 AM.


#31 gangsterfurious

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Posted 15 July 2013 - 11:47 AM

View PostLorraine, on 15 July 2013 - 11:14 AM, said:

Gangster, living together before marriage means nothing.  I knew a couple that lived together for TWELVE years before they got married and were divorced before they made it through even one year of marriage.  

I think your husband genuinely loves you, and I am not telling you that to make you feel good or better.   If you give it more time, I am sure things will work out.

Ugh I don't get it! What changes?! It's like things weren't perfect but they were better.

#32 Lorraine

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Posted 15 July 2013 - 11:50 AM

I don't know what changes, but something evidently does.  Every single couple I ever knew that lived together for years before they got married got divorced.

#33 An Enemy Without

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Posted 15 July 2013 - 11:54 AM

View Postgangsterfurious, on 15 July 2013 - 11:07 AM, said:

I think the letter idea is excellent. Maybe I will sit down and compose an e-mail to him and see if it helps.

If I were you I would actually go to the trouble of writing out a letter. I heard something once about how if you want to sound angry and accusatory, compose an email. The act of physically writing a letter slows you down and helps the thought process. Emails are also relatively impersonal compared to writing something in your own, unique handwriting, and I'm sure he would appreciate the extra effort.

Well, not to mention the fact that people generally can't read handwriting as quickly as they can read type, so it might help him to gather his thoughts as well.

#34 Amy Farrah Fowler

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Posted 15 July 2013 - 12:03 PM

My husband and I were living together for 2 years before we were married and things changed right away.  It's hard to walk away when you know you would have to sue for a divorce once you get married...so, for most folks, I guess it's just a psychological thing that happens when they know it would be hard for the other person to walk...they get lazy and some people just are a little more apathetic once married when they realize it takes a lot of WORK to keep it going.

#35 iluvgeddy05

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Posted 15 July 2013 - 12:06 PM

I would highly HIGHLY encourage you and your husband (or even just you for now) to go through this website:
http://conscious-transitions.com/

It debunks all of what marriage "is supposed to be" and why there is so much anxiety and fear when you are married to someone.  Not having butterflies all the time is not a bad thing, you might not LIKE the person all the time, those sorts of things - which are OK and NORMAL.  The site focuses on things pre-marriage but really hits on the core of relationships and what really matters.  It has made a world of difference in my marriage simply because I had unrealistic expectations based on what society says and shows us.  Remember - marriage is a transition, just like getting a new job, moving, losing someone in life - but we tend to treat it as this magical weapon that should never EVER be "off" - when nothing in real life is that way.

Keeping communication open, honest and without yelling (hard sometimes!) is necessary.  I like Mira's letter suggestion if you can see that working for you.

My only red flag in this (to me) is his insensitivity to your eating disorder, but I know from experience (as I am one year in medically-treated recovery myself right now) is that unless the person you are talking to personally has such issues, no one else is going to get it.  It's not because they don't want to, they just literally can't.  Remarks that the person might think are harmless or all in good fun - or even meant to support you - can be tragic to those who struggle with food and body image.  But he needs to know this and understand to the best of his ability.

I wish you the best of luck!

#36 iluvgeddy05

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Posted 15 July 2013 - 12:09 PM

Oh and this too:

http://www.therushfo...uth-about-love/

As you can see, I had a hard time too the first year or so... :)

#37 librarian

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Posted 15 July 2013 - 04:41 PM

I just want to say I hope things work out for the best for you.

#38 BeOhBe Bob

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Posted 15 July 2013 - 10:42 PM

View Postgangsterfurious, on 13 July 2013 - 12:51 PM, said:

He's 19 years older than me and



Should feel damn lucky to have anyone and young and vibrant as you, not put you down!

#39 Lerxster

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Posted 16 July 2013 - 03:19 AM

View PostBeOhBe Bob, on 15 July 2013 - 10:42 PM, said:

View Postgangsterfurious, on 13 July 2013 - 12:51 PM, said:

He's 19 years older than me and



Should feel damn lucky to have anyone and young and vibrant as you, not put you down!
Well posted.

Sorry to hear of your troubled marriage. Your husband should be your best friend. Make you feel loved, wanted and valued.

I'll give my stock answer of, try marriage counselling.

I wish you all the best. You seem like a real good person who deserves so much more happiness.

#40 treeduck

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Posted 16 July 2013 - 03:37 AM

There's someone out there who is 1959 years older than a man who died in 1978 and it could be them that have the greatest marriage of all. :D-13:





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