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#1 gangsterfurious

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 10:33 AM

Well... this is embarrassing. :blush:

I can't say that I'm 100% comfortable posting about something so deeply personal on the Internet. But honestly at the moment I don't feel as if I have anywhere else to go where I'd be OK talking about these things, as strange as that sounds.

A little background.

I've been with my husband for 5 years. I've known him since I was 14, we started dating in 2008 and we were married in October of last year. During that time I've estranged myself from my friends, not purposely, it's just, I moved 120 miles north of where most of them are, sold my car, and became one of my Grandmother's caretakers, so any time I was in the area, I was solely there for my grandmother and did not have time to visit, or talk to, my friends. My best friend, who I've been best friends with since I was 10, is 30, and I don't think has had one serious boyfriend in her 20's because she's been so busy working on her education (which is what I should have done), so talking to her about marriage doesn't really help too much.

Anyway...

I'm 9 months into my marriage and already contemplating divorce ('Murica!).

I know that people change, I know that marriage goes though it's ups and downs. I'm trying, Lord am I trying so hard to make this work and keep this together so that I can grow old with this person because my wedding was a sacred act and I want to honor my vows. I know it's for better or for worse but all I'm getting is the "worse" most of the time.

When my husband was my boyfriend he was different in a good way. He read books, we took little weekend trips, we'd go on hikes or bike rides, he'd take me out on little dates, our intimate life was good, etc...

Now, wow. I feel like I hardly know this person. He has stopped putting any effort into our relationship now that I am his wife. And I've stopped caring to the point where I am "comfortably numb" and just going through the motions. I am totally in "survival mode". I've tried multiple times to get counseling, he will start looking for somebody and then once he thinks things are OK, he stops looking because he thinks whatever issue I (it's always my problem) am having, has gone away and it's sunshine and rainbows once again.

We had issues before we got married and a few breakups that had a lot to do with my hyper-religious upbringing (he's not religious at all). But I got over those issues and stopped listening to my suffocating mother and started thinking for myself and realized I didn't need to breakup with somebody just because they wouldn't sit in church with me every Sunday.

So we decided that we wanted to get married, which was something we had spoken about for awhile, and we started to plan our wedding.

Now some things I'm totally heartbroken about...

I never got a proposal. We went and got a "promise" ring together, which he gave to me. And then when it came time to get my actual engagement ring he gave it to me while we were sitting in our bedroom and our dog had just gotten a case of the poops on the floor (no joke). Of course the dog decided to have diarrhea right in the middle of what was supposed to be a special, memorable moment.

He doesn't read anymore. I love a man that is always learning, he used to always have a book in his hand. Now he comes home and buys a ticket for the Thailand Express and goes to sleep, sits on the couch, or surfs the Internet.

Our sex life...

Well, I'm good for one thing as far as that goes. And then when we try to actually have it?

"You were so much more flexible when you were doing yoga."

"You felt so much better when you were ten pounds lighter."

Yeah, I did feel better when I was ten pounds lighter. Hell I'd like to be 20 pounds lighter, right now I have sciatica pain so intense my leg literally stops working and I have a knee that needs surgery, it's been a bit hard to maintain my once rigorous workout schedule. The other day I picked him up from work (it was my day off so I drove him) and he asked me if I had anything to eat. "Yeah I had some french fries" I told him. Boy, was I in trouble! I had been running around all day and wasn't anywhere near our house (where I was trying to juice fast), I was starving hungry and still had three hours to go before I went home but was in a serious time crunch so I went through a drive-thru and ordered some fries. So yeah, I heard about that.

Our honeymoon? What honeymoon? I mean, it was a fun vacation, it definitely was not a honeymoon. He promised me things would be romantic and that we'd have, you know, "time" together. Nope! So, when we were planning our wedding we were looking into a couple of different options, like going to Europe or doing a road trip of the Southwest because we were married in Sedona. Well, I found out that Rush would be on tour and decided that was all I really wanted to do was go see them. I tried to change our wedding date so that we could have caught more shows and still traveled around the Southwest, which wouldn't have been a big deal for us, he said no to that so we agreed to break up our honeymoon into two separate trips. We stayed in Sedona for a week after we were married... with the dog. Yeah, he wouldn't let my mom and her husband watch the dog for the rest of the time we were there and he wouldn't board the dog so yeah, I loved seeing the dog and the dog crate in our suite, so romantic.

Anyway, we spent our honeymoon doing some fun stuff, during which time our camera broke, so we went and bought another one, on my Best Buy card, and then went on a little kayaking trip with it. Well I wasn't allowed to touch my own camera to take pictures because I'd just get it wet, or drop it. And his justification for it? Well it's "our" camera (since were married now) and he's just protecting it. So there we were, floating down the river, arguing over the camera and him treating me like a child. I feel so small around him. I don't know how else to describe it.

When I booked all of our hotel rooms for the second part of the honeymoon (to go see Rush) I made notes "honeymoon couple" on all of the reservations because sometimes they will give newlyweds upgrades or extra goodies and whatnot at the hotel. Well, at each hotel we checked into, if the front desk person would say something like "I see you are on your honeymoon, congratulations!" My husband would respond with "Not really, we're just here to see Rush." When he did that at our last hotel I was holding back tears I was so humiliated because it made it look like I was lying to the hotel and not only that, it's what we had discussed for months and it would have been our honeymoon right after our wedding had he let me change the wedding date! I was basically his designated driver to the shows because I usually don't drink at concerts and I didn't feel like chugging beer in front of Geddy and Alex.  

I'm just done. So done. I don't want to do this anymore. My heart has totally left the building.

Every time I ask him if we can do something, go somewhere, whatever it is. The answer is always "no".

I don't know this person any longer and I don't know what to do. He's totally changed after our wedding.

The thing is, out of all of this. I resent myself the most for allowing this marriage to take place, for not seeing the signs, for believing him when he said things would get better and that he is soooooo in love with me. He's not in love with me. In fact, I know he's "just not that into me". But he would say otherwise and I'm always stupid enough to believe him.

Anyway, thanks Internet, for letting me vent.

Edited by gangsterfurious, 13 July 2013 - 10:36 AM.


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#2 Lorraine

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 11:14 AM

Gangster, I am sending you a PM.  I have to do some things first.  Not that I don't think this is more important, but only that I do not want what I have to do on my mind when I am writing to you.  I want it out of the way.

But I want to go on record saying this:  the first year of marriage is THE hardest.   Wait before you make any major decision.

My heart goes out to you.  :rose: :rose: :rose: :hug2:

#3 umoveme

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 11:20 AM

I'm so sorry.
I know it's very painful (for 20 different reasons).
I have totally been there.

....and the comments about your weight and flexibility are 100% mean, creepy and just wrong.

Edited by umoveme, 13 July 2013 - 11:23 AM.


#4 gangsterfurious

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 12:05 PM

View Postumoveme, on 13 July 2013 - 11:20 AM, said:

I'm so sorry.
I know it's very painful (for 20 different reasons).
I have totally been there.

....and the comments about your weight and flexibility are 100% mean, creepy and just wrong.

I was bulimic on and off from ages 16 to 26 and he knows this. It's hard for me. I've gained a lot of weight because I've made the conscious decision to not have an eating disorder but I still overeat a little, especially when I am stressed out. But also, because of the bulimia, I ended up messing with my metabolism and body and it's made things even harder for me.

But yeah, those are just some of the comments.

I've actually told him I don't want to be with him again until I've lost weight because I'm worried about what he might say but then he tells me I'm fine, I'm beautiful, he loves me just the way I am. But I don't know what to believe after he's made those other comments. I was 162 lbs (5'5) when we started dating and when I got down to the 140's he was like "I'm so glad you're thinner, it makes things so much better, you're so much more attractive." I understand that thinner people are found more attractive. And I won't lie and say that I don't feel better or have more confidence when I am at lowest weights but deep down inside I just want to be loved and wanted for who I am by the person I married and I don't get that from him when he's saying things like that.

#5 Tombstone Mountain

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 12:09 PM

At least kids aren't in this equation. Ultimately though, i've felt that marriage is THE test to deal with YOURSELF. We all bring unrealistic expectations into a marriage. Our mates aren't perfect and we aren't either. Marriage is serious bizness...not for the faint of heart!

#6 Tombstone Mountain

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 12:24 PM

View PostLorraine, on 13 July 2013 - 11:14 AM, said:

Gangster, I am sending you a PM.  I have to do some things first.  Not that I don't think this is more important, but only that I do not want what I have to do on my mind when I am writing to you.  I want it out of the way.

But I want to go on record saying this:  the first year of marriage is THE hardest.   Wait before you make any major decision.

My heart goes out to you.  :rose: :rose: :rose: :hug2:
Lorraine you nailed it—the first year is the toughest.

#7 umoveme

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 12:25 PM

View Postgangsterfurious, on 13 July 2013 - 12:05 PM, said:

View Postumoveme, on 13 July 2013 - 11:20 AM, said:

I'm so sorry.
I know it's very painful (for 20 different reasons).
I have totally been there.

....and the comments about your weight and flexibility are 100% mean, creepy and just wrong.

I was bulimic on and off from ages 16 to 26 and he knows this. It's hard for me. I've gained a lot of weight because I've made the conscious decision to not have an eating disorder but I still overeat a little, especially when I am stressed out. But also, because of the bulimia, I ended up messing with my metabolism and body and it's made things even harder for me.

But yeah, those are just some of the comments.

I've actually told him I don't want to be with him again until I've lost weight because I'm worried about what he might say but then he tells me I'm fine, I'm beautiful, he loves me just the way I am. But I don't know what to believe after he's made those other comments. I was 162 lbs (5'5) when we started dating and when I got down to the 140's he was like "I'm so glad you're thinner, it makes things so much better, you're so much more attractive." I understand that thinner people are found more attractive. And I won't lie and say that I don't feel better or have more confidence when I am at lowest weights but deep down inside I just want to be loved and wanted for who I am by the person I married and I don't get that from him when he's saying things like that.

I'm sure you thought of this, but counseling could help him understand how his words effect you and learning to communicate feelings is always a good thing (even if this marriage isn't what you want). A good counselor could help you both understand a lot and couldn't really hurt. I know that eating disorders are very complicated and unique to each person. I'm so glad you are better. Overheating sometimes is no big deal. Really.
Ultimately it's how you feel about yourself. When he makes crappy comments, that's all about him, not you.

Edited by umoveme, 13 July 2013 - 12:26 PM.


#8 Aikenrooster

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 12:26 PM

I haven't heard the other side of the story, but just going by what you're saying, your husband has serious issues!  Now, I'm going to assume that you're not trying to boss him around, but it's one of two things:  either he's found another woman, or he sees you as his mother; either way...Not cool.  I'm sorry that he's flipped the script.
If y'all aren't friends anymore, maybe you should get divorced.  I hate to say that, but life is too short not to be happy.  Based on the activities that you love, it sounds like you want to LIVE and he just wants to sit around all day and get old.  To hell with that.
Be cool.

PS...If 90% of the married men in America were able to "get a piece" on a regular basis, they'd be happy, and they sure as hell wouldn't be talking about a measly weight increase of 10 lbs!  This is what leads me to believe he is screwing around on you.

#9 Tombstone Mountain

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 12:28 PM

View PostAikenrooster, on 13 July 2013 - 12:26 PM, said:

I haven't heard the other side of the story, but just going by what you're saying, your husband has serious issues!  Now, I'm going to assume that you're not trying to boss him around, but it's one of two things:  either he's found another woman, or he sees you as his mother; either way...Not cool.  I'm sorry that he's flipped the script.
If y'all aren't friends anymore, maybe you should get divorced.  I hate to say that, but life is too short not to be happy.  Based on the activities that you love, it sounds like you want to LIVE and he just wants to sit around all day and get old.  To hell with that.
Be cool.

PS...If 90% of the married men in America were able to "get a piece" on a regular basis, they'd be happy, and they sure as hell wouldn't be talking about a measly weight increase of 10 lbs!  This is what leads me to believe he is screwing around on you.
Preach it brotha man!!! :codger:

#10 Tombstone Mountain

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 12:30 PM

View Postumoveme, on 13 July 2013 - 12:25 PM, said:

View Postgangsterfurious, on 13 July 2013 - 12:05 PM, said:

View Postumoveme, on 13 July 2013 - 11:20 AM, said:

I'm so sorry.
I know it's very painful (for 20 different reasons).
I have totally been there.

....and the comments about your weight and flexibility are 100% mean, creepy and just wrong.

I was bulimic on and off from ages 16 to 26 and he knows this. It's hard for me. I've gained a lot of weight because I've made the conscious decision to not have an eating disorder but I still overeat a little, especially when I am stressed out. But also, because of the bulimia, I ended up messing with my metabolism and body and it's made things even harder for me.

But yeah, those are just some of the comments.

I've actually told him I don't want to be with him again until I've lost weight because I'm worried about what he might say but then he tells me I'm fine, I'm beautiful, he loves me just the way I am. But I don't know what to believe after he's made those other comments. I was 162 lbs (5'5) when we started dating and when I got down to the 140's he was like "I'm so glad you're thinner, it makes things so much better, you're so much more attractive." I understand that thinner people are found more attractive. And I won't lie and say that I don't feel better or have more confidence when I am at lowest weights but deep down inside I just want to be loved and wanted for who I am by the person I married and I don't get that from him when he's saying things like that.

I'm sure you thought of this, but counseling could help him understand how his words effect you and learning to communicate feelings is always a good thing (even if this marriage isn't what you want). A good counselor could help you both understand a lot and couldn't really hurt. I know that eating disorders are very complicated and unique to each person. I'm so glad you are better. Overheating sometimes is no big deal. Really.
Ultimately it's how you feel about yourself. When he makes crappy comments, that's all about him, not you.
Good stuff—but if you go to counseling be prepared to let it all hang out—that means the dirt on you (from his perspective) will come forward. If you aren't willing to confront your own personal issues, either real or percieved by your mate, your wasting your time and money.

#11 GeminiRising79

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 12:47 PM

Going thru a divorce now.  Wouldn't recommend marriage to Neil...ah, my greatest enemy!  :)

Edited by GeminiRising79, 13 July 2013 - 12:49 PM.


#12 gangsterfurious

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 12:51 PM

View PostAikenrooster, on 13 July 2013 - 12:26 PM, said:

I haven't heard the other side of the story, but just going by what you're saying, your husband has serious issues!  Now, I'm going to assume that you're not trying to boss him around, but it's one of two things:  either he's found another woman, or he sees you as his mother; either way...Not cool.  I'm sorry that he's flipped the script.
If y'all aren't friends anymore, maybe you should get divorced.  I hate to say that, but life is too short not to be happy.  Based on the activities that you love, it sounds like you want to LIVE and he just wants to sit around all day and get old.  To hell with that.
Be cool.

PS...If 90% of the married men in America were able to "get a piece" on a regular basis, they'd be happy, and they sure as hell wouldn't be talking about a measly weight increase of 10 lbs!  This is what leads me to believe he is screwing around on you.

Ohhhh myyyyyy.

I'm sorry but this made me laugh.

I've had quite a few unfaithful men in my life, he's definitely not one of them. In fact, it would be easier if he were because then it would make everything cut and dry for me. I am the one that actually has to ask for space and time alone because he's always around. There are other reasons I know he's not but I can't get into them.

I'll admit I'm a little bossy. I am an only child, I've really reigned it in but he's still quite the control freak though I will confess he has gotten better over time but I'm still going slightly insane from it.

And I don't think the mother thing really works. He's 19 years older than me and has a good, though distant relationship with his mother. I mean I have my theories as to why he is the way he is but the main point was for me to talk about what I am personally going through.

But you're right, I do want to live. I want to travel and explore and taste and see as much as I can. I'm the girl who wants to go try all of the new restaurants while he wants to sit around and eat pasta, salad, beer and mashed potatoes every night. I can't even cook for my own husband and that is so frustrating.

Edited by gangsterfurious, 13 July 2013 - 12:53 PM.


#13 gangsterfurious

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 12:55 PM

View PostTombstone Mountain, on 13 July 2013 - 12:30 PM, said:

View Postumoveme, on 13 July 2013 - 12:25 PM, said:

View Postgangsterfurious, on 13 July 2013 - 12:05 PM, said:

View Postumoveme, on 13 July 2013 - 11:20 AM, said:

I'm so sorry.
I know it's very painful (for 20 different reasons).
I have totally been there.

....and the comments about your weight and flexibility are 100% mean, creepy and just wrong.

I was bulimic on and off from ages 16 to 26 and he knows this. It's hard for me. I've gained a lot of weight because I've made the conscious decision to not have an eating disorder but I still overeat a little, especially when I am stressed out. But also, because of the bulimia, I ended up messing with my metabolism and body and it's made things even harder for me.

But yeah, those are just some of the comments.

I've actually told him I don't want to be with him again until I've lost weight because I'm worried about what he might say but then he tells me I'm fine, I'm beautiful, he loves me just the way I am. But I don't know what to believe after he's made those other comments. I was 162 lbs (5'5) when we started dating and when I got down to the 140's he was like "I'm so glad you're thinner, it makes things so much better, you're so much more attractive." I understand that thinner people are found more attractive. And I won't lie and say that I don't feel better or have more confidence when I am at lowest weights but deep down inside I just want to be loved and wanted for who I am by the person I married and I don't get that from him when he's saying things like that.

I'm sure you thought of this, but counseling could help him understand how his words effect you and learning to communicate feelings is always a good thing (even if this marriage isn't what you want). A good counselor could help you both understand a lot and couldn't really hurt. I know that eating disorders are very complicated and unique to each person. I'm so glad you are better. Overheating sometimes is no big deal. Really.
Ultimately it's how you feel about yourself. When he makes crappy comments, that's all about him, not you.
Good stuff—but if you go to counseling be prepared to let it all hang out—that means the dirt on you (from his perspective) will come forward. If you aren't willing to confront your own personal issues, either real or percieved by your mate, your wasting your time and money.

Oh I know. I am totally prepared. I know that all of our problems don't stem from him.

He even told me this morning (after I wrote this) that I do or say certain things to him and how they make me feel. I was rather surprised that he communicated with me that way. This may be the post that saves my marriage, ha.

#14 The Analog Grownup

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 01:59 PM

Communication is key. Sadly I can recognize some of those things in me, which led me with a broken heart now a year after. I think having an open and honest conversation, might help bringing in a deeper understanding and appreciation in your marriage.

I'm hoping the best for you both :)

#15 Blue J

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 03:39 PM

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. I'm having trouble squaring the idea that you've been friends for so long before you got married, were exclusive for four years or so before marriage, and that he has so quickly put you down with the callous insults about your flexibility and performance in bed. Based on that, I can only say that he SO doesn't appreciate who he has for a wife.

I can confess to putting my wife and our marriage through some serious hurt just due to my own self-centeredness and basic neglect. But as a man, and especially as a husband, never would I even think of making comments like that- about her body, about the things she's interested in, about the things that she wants for our life together- those are things that all add up to something sacred, I think. Those are things that are at the heart of compatibility, of constructing a life together. Those are some of the kinds of things that make a marriage what it is- the elements of one person enriching the other, and vice versa. They shouldn't be driving a wedge between the two.

My marriage is worlds better than it was about six or seven years ago. We'll have fourteen years in November, and I can't believe it. It feels like it's been maybe three or four. We've been through some serious problems, but it takes work, and it takes compromise sometimes. And I hate say this, considering all that you've posted, but we didn't have any problems at all in our first year.

I want to stop short of offering advice; of telling you what you 'should' do, because it's not my place to do so. All I can do is offer perspective, based on my experience.

My heart goes out to you, and I wish you the best.

#16 Babycat

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 04:04 PM

:hug2:  :hug2:  :hug2:  :hug2:  :hug2:  My thoughts are with you right now...  :hug2:  :hug2:  :hug2:  :hug2:

(And cheap comments about your weight, flexibility, body and performance is below-the-belt and uncalled for.)

#17 hobo73

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 06:08 PM

....you should see the look on my face right now. He has the nerve to comment on not only your weight (in an incredibly mean way), but your FLEXIBILITY during love making?! 0_o
So...in other words....you're not meeting HIS standards, huh. Oh yes, because it sounds like he sure is meeting yours >.<
It just sounds like you're both going through the motions. None of this sounds like anything a husband should do.

The whole honeymoon thing.....I'm so sorry....."we're just here for Rush". That's just not fair.
I've posted things on here about my own marriage, which is far from perfect. But my husband would never in a million years tell me those awful things about my body, about our sex life, about any trips we make, none of that. =/
I can't even imagine.

That is a very drastic change in his personality after marriage- and it just isn't fair to you. You have a right to eat what you want. You have a right to have a say in trips. and if that camera is both of yours, then guess what. YOU get to use it, too.

#18 hobo73

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 06:17 PM

Also- may we see a picture of his six pack abs, please? Since he is obviously so perfect and all.

#19 hobo73

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 06:23 PM

View Postgangsterfurious, on 13 July 2013 - 12:05 PM, said:

View Postumoveme, on 13 July 2013 - 11:20 AM, said:

I'm so sorry.
I know it's very painful (for 20 different reasons).
I have totally been there.

....and the comments about your weight and flexibility are 100% mean, creepy and just wrong.

I was bulimic on and off from ages 16 to 26 and he knows this. It's hard for me. I've gained a lot of weight because I've made the conscious decision to not have an eating disorder but I still overeat a little, especially when I am stressed out. But also, because of the bulimia, I ended up messing with my metabolism and body and it's made things even harder for me.

But yeah, those are just some of the comments.

I've actually told him I don't want to be with him again until I've lost weight because I'm worried about what he might say but then he tells me I'm fine, I'm beautiful, he loves me just the way I am. But I don't know what to believe after he's made those other comments. I was 162 lbs (5'5) when we started dating and when I got down to the 140's he was like "I'm so glad you're thinner, it makes things so much better, you're so much more attractive." I understand that thinner people are found more attractive. And I won't lie and say that I don't feel better or have more confidence when I am at lowest weights but deep down inside I just want to be loved and wanted for who I am by the person I married and I don't get that from him when he's saying things like that.

I've had an eating problem since I was a kid- overeating, forcing myself to eat even when I'm not hungry, seeing how much food I can shovel down my throat in the kitchen before someone walks in and catches me =/
I have REALLY cut down on my eating, but this is something my husband knew in the beginning. My weight is up, down, and all around, and it's a serious issue with me. I do not have a healthy appetite/ way of eating, never have.
He has been with me every step of the way and even those times when I have gaaaaaiiiiiinnneeeddddd weight, he never said anything harsh.

Maybe talk to him about how this all makes you feel? a real sit down?

#20 Amy Farrah Fowler

Amy Farrah Fowler

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 06:27 PM

It took my husband and I at least the first 7 or 8 years (and two kids) to finally hit our stride.  The first five years were the hardest and then it magically got easier - seriously.  We celebrated 13 years in June and are very happy.

However, my husband would NEVER say anything about my weight or flexibility out loud.  I can't speak for what he thinks, but he would NEVER disrespect me like that.  That is the trouble with young folks these days (I'm only 37, so young is early 20s to me) is there is no respect...for anyone or anything.

We go to church as a family...we have the same political views...we have the same family values and agree on how to raise our kids.  If you can't agree on fundamentals, you are going to have a long, hard, resentful road ahead.

If you feel you had to give up your faith for another person (whether you wanted to or not), what else will you give up to make him happy?  That's not a marriage.  My husband and I make concessions on little things, but when it comes to the big decisions, we are a TEAM, first and foremost.  If you are not a team with your spouse, you're just two people bound by a legal piece of paper.  That's not a marriage, either.

Just food for thought.





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