I can't say that I'm 100% comfortable posting about something so deeply personal on the Internet. But honestly at the moment I don't feel as if I have anywhere else to go where I'd be OK talking about these things, as strange as that sounds.
A little background.
I've been with my husband for 5 years. I've known him since I was 14, we started dating in 2008 and we were married in October of last year. During that time I've estranged myself from my friends, not purposely, it's just, I moved 120 miles north of where most of them are, sold my car, and became one of my Grandmother's caretakers, so any time I was in the area, I was solely there for my grandmother and did not have time to visit, or talk to, my friends. My best friend, who I've been best friends with since I was 10, is 30, and I don't think has had one serious boyfriend in her 20's because she's been so busy working on her education (which is what I should have done), so talking to her about marriage doesn't really help too much.
I'm 9 months into my marriage and already contemplating divorce ('Murica!).
I know that people change, I know that marriage goes though it's ups and downs. I'm trying, Lord am I trying so hard to make this work and keep this together so that I can grow old with this person because my wedding was a sacred act and I want to honor my vows. I know it's for better or for worse but all I'm getting is the "worse" most of the time.
When my husband was my boyfriend he was different in a good way. He read books, we took little weekend trips, we'd go on hikes or bike rides, he'd take me out on little dates, our intimate life was good, etc...
Now, wow. I feel like I hardly know this person. He has stopped putting any effort into our relationship now that I am his wife. And I've stopped caring to the point where I am "comfortably numb" and just going through the motions. I am totally in "survival mode". I've tried multiple times to get counseling, he will start looking for somebody and then once he thinks things are OK, he stops looking because he thinks whatever issue I (it's always my problem) am having, has gone away and it's sunshine and rainbows once again.
We had issues before we got married and a few breakups that had a lot to do with my hyper-religious upbringing (he's not religious at all). But I got over those issues and stopped listening to my suffocating mother and started thinking for myself and realized I didn't need to breakup with somebody just because they wouldn't sit in church with me every Sunday.
So we decided that we wanted to get married, which was something we had spoken about for awhile, and we started to plan our wedding.
Now some things I'm totally heartbroken about...
I never got a proposal. We went and got a "promise" ring together, which he gave to me. And then when it came time to get my actual engagement ring he gave it to me while we were sitting in our bedroom and our dog had just gotten a case of the poops on the floor (no joke). Of course the dog decided to have diarrhea right in the middle of what was supposed to be a special, memorable moment.
He doesn't read anymore. I love a man that is always learning, he used to always have a book in his hand. Now he comes home and buys a ticket for the Thailand Express and goes to sleep, sits on the couch, or surfs the Internet.
Our sex life...
Well, I'm good for one thing as far as that goes. And then when we try to actually have it?
"You were so much more flexible when you were doing yoga."
"You felt so much better when you were ten pounds lighter."
Yeah, I did feel better when I was ten pounds lighter. Hell I'd like to be 20 pounds lighter, right now I have sciatica pain so intense my leg literally stops working and I have a knee that needs surgery, it's been a bit hard to maintain my once rigorous workout schedule. The other day I picked him up from work (it was my day off so I drove him) and he asked me if I had anything to eat. "Yeah I had some french fries" I told him. Boy, was I in trouble! I had been running around all day and wasn't anywhere near our house (where I was trying to juice fast), I was starving hungry and still had three hours to go before I went home but was in a serious time crunch so I went through a drive-thru and ordered some fries. So yeah, I heard about that.
Our honeymoon? What honeymoon? I mean, it was a fun vacation, it definitely was not a honeymoon. He promised me things would be romantic and that we'd have, you know, "time" together. Nope! So, when we were planning our wedding we were looking into a couple of different options, like going to Europe or doing a road trip of the Southwest because we were married in Sedona. Well, I found out that Rush would be on tour and decided that was all I really wanted to do was go see them. I tried to change our wedding date so that we could have caught more shows and still traveled around the Southwest, which wouldn't have been a big deal for us, he said no to that so we agreed to break up our honeymoon into two separate trips. We stayed in Sedona for a week after we were married... with the dog. Yeah, he wouldn't let my mom and her husband watch the dog for the rest of the time we were there and he wouldn't board the dog so yeah, I loved seeing the dog and the dog crate in our suite, so romantic.
Anyway, we spent our honeymoon doing some fun stuff, during which time our camera broke, so we went and bought another one, on my Best Buy card, and then went on a little kayaking trip with it. Well I wasn't allowed to touch my own camera to take pictures because I'd just get it wet, or drop it. And his justification for it? Well it's "our" camera (since were married now) and he's just protecting it. So there we were, floating down the river, arguing over the camera and him treating me like a child. I feel so small around him. I don't know how else to describe it.
When I booked all of our hotel rooms for the second part of the honeymoon (to go see Rush) I made notes "honeymoon couple" on all of the reservations because sometimes they will give newlyweds upgrades or extra goodies and whatnot at the hotel. Well, at each hotel we checked into, if the front desk person would say something like "I see you are on your honeymoon, congratulations!" My husband would respond with "Not really, we're just here to see Rush." When he did that at our last hotel I was holding back tears I was so humiliated because it made it look like I was lying to the hotel and not only that, it's what we had discussed for months and it would have been our honeymoon right after our wedding had he let me change the wedding date! I was basically his designated driver to the shows because I usually don't drink at concerts and I didn't feel like chugging beer in front of Geddy and Alex.
I'm just done. So done. I don't want to do this anymore. My heart has totally left the building.
Every time I ask him if we can do something, go somewhere, whatever it is. The answer is always "no".
I don't know this person any longer and I don't know what to do. He's totally changed after our wedding.
The thing is, out of all of this. I resent myself the most for allowing this marriage to take place, for not seeing the signs, for believing him when he said things would get better and that he is soooooo in love with me. He's not in love with me. In fact, I know he's "just not that into me". But he would say otherwise and I'm always stupid enough to believe him.
Anyway, thanks Internet, for letting me vent.
Edited by gangsterfurious, 13 July 2013 - 10:36 AM.