I don't know who else to go to. I just need to let it out.

[Hatchetaxe&saw]

Go. Go now. Put some Cheap Trick on and drive. Your whole life is ahead of you, and hopefully without that gobshite.

[hobo73]

Hello all:)

I truly appreciate the advice and kind words, I really do. Yes, we had some drinks but that is no excuse. It is shocking to me he got so drunk after a few mixed drinks. Very strange indeed =/

 

He just called and is willing to talk tonight. I said no yelling, we hear each other out. He was not willing to hear that he was being incredibly abusive to me until this phone call. I want to show him my pants, ask him to apologize to his parents for dragging them into our argument.

I am going to ask if he will go to some sort of....anger management class? Counseling? I am willing to go, too.

 

We cannot EVER make our child cry again, waking her up that way. It disgusted me. I am going to let him know that if I am not in the "mood", he needs to respect that. Bottom line.

Honestly, when he's sober, it may bug him that he won't get any that night, but he just says "Alright then" and leaves it. He NEVER gets this way when he is truly sober.

I do not want to buy anymore alcohol. I refuse to pick any up, and I don't want him buying any, either. If that is contributing in such a violent, horrible way to our arguments, we do not need it. Period. Having a stressful day at work? Come home and watch a movie on the couch with your wife and daughter. You don't "need" a drink.

 

He said on the phone, tonight we will talk. He was getting choked up, I could hear it. I expect apologies tonight. TONIGHT.

 

I am so sorry for bringing my drama to the table here- I just woke up feeling like I was going to burst, I needed to spill the beans SOMEHOW.

 

For the record, no, I literally would have no place to go. His mom would kick him out in a heartbeat and allow our daughter and I to stay here (they insist we live with them as we've been putting all extra money into savings for our own place)- she has told him that before.

I have no money, estranged from most family around here, and my brother's having his own issues with the girlfriend he lives with. Pretty much my only friend around here lives with her baby daughter, mom, sister and uncle.

 

Also I found out why my mother in law was very upset and muttering this morning- turns out, my in laws are going to the cemetery today to visit their other son. They were very upset about today already, and said being brought into our argument brought them down even more. I can certainly understand that.

 

So in short, I am suggesting counseling of some kind, NO MORE LIQUOR, and I want an adult, civil conversation.

[Retrospective]

 

I am so sorry for bringing my drama to the table here- I just woke up feeling like I was going to burst, I needed to spill the beans SOMEHOW.

 

 

NO APOLOGIZING! You're among friends! That's what we're here for.

 

It's better than having you stressed, angry, and sad by yourself.

 

I'm happy to hear that things are going to get worked out. Stick to your guns, and you'll be fine. :)

[hobo73]

 

 

BTW, was it just you and he having drinks together, or were your in-laws there? I'm not quite sure, and if they were there at the time, and witnessed this and did nothing about it... that's a whole new level of wrongness.

 

I hope things work out better for you, and know that you have all of us here for support.

 

It was just us drinking together, my in laws have their own living room all the way on the other end of the house. I posted in my "update" reply that at the moment, my in laws insist we live here as we keep putting money into savings. we have a good amount saved up, they want us to have that cushion before getting our own place again.

 

They honestly didn't hear it until things got more heated, and said right after that was when they were informed of what was going on.

 

I will ask him how he would feel if I up and left to a woman's shelter or something. That it got to that point- how would he feel?

He apologized profusely to Lucy, all night last night and all day today until he left for work. Honestly, I feel she deserved apologies before me. I said I was so sorry and she wrapped her limbs around me and just held me. No 3 year old needs to "comfort" their mother. She is such an extraordinary little girl, I just love her so so much. we can't let this happen again.

 

I also want to ask him, will this happen again? We want to try for another baby at some point in the near future. I refuse to bring another child into this mess if it keeps happening.

 

I KNOW he has the ability to change, that's the frustrating part. I am in no way justifying his actions by saying this- I am still horrified, disgusted and hurt, and expect apologies for sure.

[hobo73]

I am so sorry for bringing my drama to the table here- I just woke up feeling like I was going to burst, I needed to spill the beans SOMEHOW.

 

 

NO APOLOGIZING! You're among friends! That's what we're here for.

 

It's better than having you stressed, angry, and sad by yourself.

 

I'm happy to hear that things are going to get worked out. Stick to your guns, and you'll be fine. :)

 

I love you ALL lol <3

[crimsonfrippy]

Hobo,

 

Take care of yourself and your little girl and keep us posted. Have been thinking of you all day.

 

Cheers,

 

frippy

[Lorraine]

Hobo, Frippy gave good advice - just take care of yourself and your Lucy.

 

And Hobo, it is only natural that you would want to work things out. However, if things do not work out, please, please, please do not ever stay with someone because "you have no place to go". There are plenty of women's crisis centers throughout the country. Contact one. They will take care of you and Lucy. Just a suggestion in case you should need it.

 

Here's hoping that all goes well tonight.

[Mika]

I hope things go well for you tonight, and that you can stick to your guns! It's easy to get pulled back into the "oh, it's never going to happen again, I can change, I'll try not to drink anymore" thing, even after several times of hearing it. And it's actually a bit of a comfort to hear that you live with his parents - if something got or gets out of hand, hopefully they'd be able to help, you know? rather than if you were all alone in the house.

 

Only you can decide if you think things are going to be ok enough in the future to warrant staying together and working things out and everything, and I hope that your husband will give you enough incentive to trust him. But please, don't get sucked into the "I can change" trap, it anything like this ever happens again. It shouldnt have happened a first time (assuming this is indeed the first time anything like this has happened), and there should definitely not be a second time, or that would be your cue to get out that door.

 

I hope that this is just an isolated incident and things will work out for you. Be strong, and give your daughter lots of hugs. I wonder if she's displaying any fear of daddy now? :(

 

Let us know how the talk goes!

[hobo73]

well I won't get into specifics, but we talked last night and apologies were made on BOTH sides.

 

I came to a few realizations and understand some of the things he was *trying* to say, but he now knows there was a much better way to get his point across. I admit, that night I was too angry to even try to listen to him.

We sat down and put our priorities in order, together, and talked it out.

 

We made up and, well......easily the best we've had in a long time ;) hehe.

And the difference I noticed last night? It wasn't a "chore" for me. We both made it a very loving experience, focusing only on each other.

 

He agrees about the alcohol, too. He said "I love you. Why am I doing this to you? Lucy doesn't need to grow up with 'those' parents."

 

I thank those who inboxed me with great advice- it was taken into consideration, and because I used that advice, my husband and I have a greater understanding of the others' needs. Thank you.

[hobo73]

Also, I notice my daughter is not displaying any fear of her dad. That was certainly a huge worry for me, too- but she's still a daddy's girl ;)

She's still so young, I'm hoping she doesn't remember any of this.

[crimsonfrippy]

Hobo,

 

I'm glad to hear that you and your hubby had a good, honest talk last night. Take care of yourself and promise us that you will do what is best for you and your daughter. Remember that we are here for you.

 

Take care,

 

frippy

[Alsgalpal]

well I won't get into specifics, but we talked last night and apologies were made on BOTH sides.

 

I came to a few realizations and understand some of the things he was *trying* to say, but he now knows there was a much better way to get his point across. I admit, that night I was too angry to even try to listen to him.

We sat down and put our priorities in order, together, and talked it out.

 

We made up and, well......easily the best we've had in a long time ;) hehe.

And the difference I noticed last night? It wasn't a "chore" for me. We both made it a very loving experience, focusing only on each other.

 

He agrees about the alcohol, too. He said "I love you. Why am I doing this to you? Lucy doesn't need to grow up with 'those' parents."

 

I thank those who inboxed me with great advice- it was taken into consideration, and because I used that advice, my husband and I have a greater understanding of the others' needs. Thank you.

 

I'm glad, but please, keep an eye open for any markers that this will happen again. It's good to keep communication open, and if this was just an isolated experience, then I would by all means give him another chance.

 

I will speak out of my own personal hell experience and out of the years of therapy I needed afterwords. First of all, you're among friends here. This forum has so many of my despondent posts, my anger, my hurt, my failures at new relationships, and the people here were good to me. There's a lot of good, good people here.

 

One thing that the abusive person always, always does is threaten you with the one thing you love the most. In this case, and mine it was the kids. My ex husband told me that if I ever left him, he would take the girls and fight to the death to keep them away from me. When I left him, his tune was "please don't take the kids from me" and he put measures down so I couldn't even move to a different APARTMENT in the same building. He was a real piece of shit to me. They will always threaten you to gain that last ounce of control. They will use any and all means available to them to try and get you to stay and then break you down some more until you are a shell of who you used to be.

 

You are right, your little girl doesn't need this. She doesn't need to see it. Children are more perceptive than we give them credit for, and please protect her. Protect yourself. You always have somewhere to go. There's resources for people that are in your situation. I'm not trying to discourage you, I'm trying to empower you and to tell you to please keep an eye open.

 

These guys are so good at tearing up at the right moment to tug at your heart.

 

Just please be careful. Please.

 

I'm sending all my good thoughts to you and hope that he really means it. I know how much it hurts, and my heart hurts for you and your baby girl. It hurts me still to know that my kids are growing up with two homes instead of one, but I want more for them to know what a healthy relationship is with respect and love and most of all, peace.

[Turbine Freight]

Glad you're O.K. Hobo73. Take care. :sundog:

[umoveme]

This kind of thing rarely happens once and there is ALWAYS a honeymoon period after the fight when the abuser (that's what he is) says all the right things and makes the spouse own up to her "responsibility" in the argument. This is textbook. I hope for your child that both of you put her first and at least stop drinking. This is disturbing. Good luck.

 

Yes. I'm judgy McJudgerstien.

Edited June 29, 2013 by umoveme

[MMCXII]

As soon as a man starts trying to control you, especially by involving your children then it's time to LEAVE!

 

It might be hard for you see it being in the middle of the situation but the behavior you described is a big indicator of a certain type of abuser..

 

Good luck and wish you well..! :)

[MMCXII]

Just read your second post. I really hope you were exaggerating in your first post because wow things sure turned around. If it was me though, someone who threatened to "take my kids away" in a serious voice would never ever gain my full trust again. Ever. As already said these guys are masters at turning on the tears and convincing you that they're sorry.. But if he went there once then he's capable of it..

 

"I will take your children away from you".. You need a man who's not even capable of speaking these words to you.. Because in true love it wouldn't be possible