This morning as I was driving to work I was listening to Geddy's solo, "My Favorite Headache" and "Runaway Train" came on.
There's this part where Geddy sings "If You're Heart Is Aching/Just Remove The Shame"
and it kind of made me think of this post, which has been on my mind and I've wanted to respond to but has hit a nerve. I have a lot of shame in my life, a lot of things that follow me and weigh heavy on me each day.
I was an accident. My mother was told that she would not be able to bear children. When she was 30 she became pregnant with me, and my father, not wanting children and having two already that he neglected to take care of from two other ex-wives, made a point to tell me I was the reason for their divorce, which happened when I was 4. It wasn't his temper, or his alcoholism, or the fact that he cheated on my mom all of the time, it was my fault for being born, that's why the marriage failed.
So began a life of living in motels, rented rooms, cheap apartments, and shelters. We were lucky if we stayed in one place six months. I lost count of how many places I've lived, how many schools I've gone to, etc... I've also almost lost count of how many husbands my mother has had. She is on #4, another in a string of mentally "off" men. The second was violent, the third was a psychopath, and the fourth is a "street preacher" that isn't all there.
Growing up, everything was about God, God, and God, her God. There wasn't any room for thinking outside the little religious box I was expected to be in. My mother would accuse many people of having demons and therefore we couldn't be around them. She would not allow me to play with friends that weren't Christian, except for the occasional Jewish friends. She's even taken me to have me exorcised because she said I had spirits when really I was entering puberty without a father, without a secure home, without any friends, sometimes not knowing when we'd eat next, etc... and without the ability to handle it.
Around this time I discovered painting and writing, I was more into writing journal entries, essays for schools, poems, just whatever helped me through. I kept a journal that I thought was private but my mother went into it one day and ripped up everything that she didn't approve of. I was crushed and humiliated.
I wasn't allowed to go to High School, I was home schooled through a county program. My mother says because I was so "love starved" for fatherly attention that I would have thrown myself at any boy that would have given me attention. Which isn't true, if anything I was education starved and just wanted to go to school to learn and to become something so that I could crawl out of the hellhole of a life I was living.
I've been assaulted by two different men I was dating (my fault according to my mother since I shouldn't have been alone with men I wasn't married to), almost strangled by another ex, survived 11 years of bulimia etc... In other words, things have been a bit hard. And that's only a small part of my story.
When I discovered Rush it was during the first time in my life I had lived in one place for more than 2 years and because of the man who is now my husband. When I moved in with him we were trying to condense our things together in his tiny apartment and he found his copy of 2112 in his CD's. I didn't want to listen to them at first because he had told me the reason he had a pentagram ring and pot trivet in his apartment was because of the band so instantly my religious upbringing kicked in and I was like
So we didn't listen to Rush for awhile. And after my hunny tried to play "The Trees" for me I just looked at him and laughed.
Two years later I finally got them. And my God if I have any regrets in life it's not giving them a chance sooner when my husband asked me to. Of course things would have been different had he played "Vapor Trails" and not "Hemispheres" first.
But I have wanted to say this for a long time.
Rush fans are the best and smartest people I have ever met and I have never known a more resilient or determined group.
And yes, we are broken, we are different, we are outcast, we are the nerds, the geeks, the hurting, some of us wear out hurt outwardly, some of us try to act tough, and I'm sure there are a few that have had very charmed lives. What's so awesome is that I know when I'm at a Rush concert I'm standing in a room of conservatives and liberals, people of faith and atheists, etc.. and I think that (regardless of the bickering you sometimes see on this forum) that we really respect and "get" each other.
We've been given such a gift because in this world we've grown up in that tells us we don't belong unless we conform, here we have these three men that refuse to buy into that, they tell us IT'S OK to be who we are. I've had this surge of confidence in my life, not just because of Rush but because of the other Rush fans that I've become friends with as well.
Rush has taught me how...
To not be afraid to think for myself.
To be comfortable in my own skin.
How to heal from hurts.
How to see the world through other people's eyes.
How to calm down a bit.
To not be afraid to be myself.
They've done this better than any self-help book, any sermon, any preacher, anything else.
And yes, I will sit and talk about how incredibly sexy I think Geddy Lee is until the cows come home and how great his buns are, but at the end of the day it's really about the change they've inspired in me and so many other people that I've met on this journey.
Thanks for sharing your story and allowing us to share ours as well.
P.S. I wanted to come back and add that we are their garden indeed.
Edited by gangsterfurious, 14 May 2013 - 10:27 AM.