Jump to content

Just for fun


Digital Man
 Share

Recommended Posts

QUOTE (Fred Star @ Jun 3 2011, 03:40 AM)
QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Apr 14 2005, 11:53 AM)
here ya go gentleman.... a little help....



This explains it all!!!


Why Women Are Crabby

We started to "bud" into our blouses at 9 or 10 years
old only to find
out that anything that came in contact with those
tender, blooming buds hurt
so bad it brought us to tears. So came the
ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would
snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or
sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we
got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our
legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we
had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not)
was having sex for
the first time which was about as much fun as having a
ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils, leaving us to wonder
what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live
on dry crackers
and water for a few months so we didn't spend the
entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are
(and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside
us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were
preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we had swallowed a
watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the
big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst
right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon
feet, moaning in pain
all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB
says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push.
Just one more good push
(more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved
impulse to punch the OB and hubby square in the face for making us cram a
wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to
find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little
darlings morphed
into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing,
life-sucking little poop machines.

Then... come their teen years. Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our
voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his
somewhere around his 18th birthday and is now all but null and void.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause,"
the Grandmother
of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance
cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions,
or, sweat like a hog, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the
head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than
men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being
able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make
the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.

Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

Send this to bright women you know and make their
day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little... but not too hard or
they may pee their panties.

The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause.

    Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated,
Forgetful and Psycho.

Heh-heh-heh.. think you should rename y'self Lady"thrush"fan...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Irritable cnut. laugh.gif rofl3.gif

 

 

Loves ya!

WTF

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 710
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

QUOTE (Cygnus @ May 23 2011, 02:28 PM)
Understanding Women: Manual finally Available....


http://i104.photobucket.com/albums/m188/Bushwack_2006/ATT256635.jpg

Vol 1

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Quote Irish comic Ed Byrne:

 

"During a quiet moment my wife asked me what I was thinking. I replied that I was wondering what it would be like to be a spy"

 

"This is how a mans mind works. You're better of not asking"

 

If Gilby is ever looking vacant I always ask if he's thinking about being a spy!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts

for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son

if he got a part.

 

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a

man who's been married for twenty years."

 

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll

be giving you a speaking part."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

QUOTE (Vive le Rush @ Feb 14 2011, 08:18 AM)
QUOTE (Digital Man @ Apr 13 2005, 10:56 AM)
The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost
every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one
of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you
want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither
do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun
formation,
or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.

I agree with #1 the most

Link to comment
Share on other sites

lmfao

I have ALWAYS said that about the toilet seat. are we really that lazy that we can't pull the damned seat DOWN when WE need to go? It only takes a second, gals!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers

The five questions are:

1 - "What are you thinking?"

2 - "Do you love me?"

3 - "Do I look fat?"

4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"

5 - "What would you do if I died?"

 

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.

For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."

 

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Baseball

b - Football

c - How fat you are.

d - How much prettier she is than you.

e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

 

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

 

2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear.

 

Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.

b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.

c - That depends on what you mean by "love".

d - Does it matter?

e - I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if

you died.

 

3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.

 

Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin

either.

b - Compared to what?

c - A little extra weight looks good on you.

d - I've seen fatter.

e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your

insurance policy.

 

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"

The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."

Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.

b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.

c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.

d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.

e - I sorry what did you say, I was thinking of how I would

spend the insurance money if you died.

5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

 

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.

"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?"

"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.

"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."

"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

QUOTE (Cygnus @ May 23 2011, 01:28 PM)
Understanding Women: Manual finally Available....


















































http://i104.photobucket.com/albums/m188/Bushwack_2006/ATT256635.jpg

About a billion pages, I'd say...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Apr 16 2012, 02:16 PM)
http://edge.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/218923/82458717.jpg

z7shysterical.gif So true.

 

I'm suddenly disgusted with myself.... unsure.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Mar 5 2012, 08:43 PM)
http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/dating-fails-dating-fails-zombies-just-get-it-you-know.png

"Braaaaaiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnns"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

QUOTE (Daylin @ May 3 2012, 08:31 PM)
QUOTE (Cygnus @ Apr 16 2012, 12:16 PM)
http://edge.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/218923/82458717.jpg

 

 

rofl3.gif

 

Yep wacko.gif

True...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...