Cygnus Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 QUOTE (Fred Star @ Jun 3 2011, 03:40 AM) QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Apr 14 2005, 11:53 AM) here ya go gentleman.... a little help.... This explains it all!!! Why Women Are Crabby We started to "bud" into our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find out that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs. Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils, leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies looked like we had swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the OB and hubby square in the face for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb bowling ball through a keyhole. After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. Then... come their teen years. Need I say more? When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday and is now all but null and void. So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks... So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me. Send this to bright women you know and make their day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little... but not too hard or they may pee their panties. The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause. Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and Psycho. Heh-heh-heh.. think you should rename y'self Lady"thrush"fan... Irritable cnut. Loves ya! WTF Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fred Star Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 QUOTE (Cygnus @ May 23 2011, 02:28 PM)Understanding Women: Manual finally Available.... http://i104.photobucket.com/albums/m188/Bushwack_2006/ATT256635.jpg Vol 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LyndseyG Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Quote Irish comic Ed Byrne: "During a quiet moment my wife asked me what I was thinking. I replied that I was wondering what it would be like to be a spy" "This is how a mans mind works. You're better of not asking" If Gilby is ever looking vacant I always ask if he's thinking about being a spy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lost In Xanadu Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 QUOTE (Vive le Rush @ Feb 14 2011, 08:18 AM) QUOTE (Digital Man @ Apr 13 2005, 10:56 AM) The Guys' Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this. I agree with #1 the most Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hobo73 Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 lmfao I have ALWAYS said that about the toilet seat. are we really that lazy that we can't pull the damned seat DOWN when WE need to go? It only takes a second, gals! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 http://edge.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/218923/81603591.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Breaking the Barrier...is there a double standard? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 http://edge.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/602759/81959381.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?" What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example: 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a - Baseball b - Football c - How fat you are. d - How much prettier she is than you. e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died. According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking." The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers: 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include: a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes. c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died. 3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include: a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - I sorry what did you say, I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died. 5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke: "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Babycat Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 QUOTE (Cygnus @ May 23 2011, 01:28 PM) Understanding Women: Manual finally Available.... http://i104.photobucket.com/albums/m188/Bushwack_2006/ATT256635.jpg About a billion pages, I'd say... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 http://edge.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/870750/82210128.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 http://edge.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/870750/82237712.png Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 What do you get when you combine Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich? Their wives strapped to the roof of the car. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/dating-fails-dating-fails-zombies-just-get-it-you-know.png Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 http://edge.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/218923/82370903.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 http://edge.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/218923/82458717.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daylin Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 QUOTE (Cygnus @ Mar 5 2012, 01:43 PM) http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/dating-fails-dating-fails-zombies-just-get-it-you-know.png Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daylin Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 QUOTE (Cygnus @ Apr 16 2012, 12:16 PM) http://edge.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/218923/82458717.jpg Yep Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SchemingDemon Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 As a woman, I find this thread HILARIOUS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted May 10, 2012 Share Posted May 10, 2012 http://cl.jroo.me/z3/W/K/n/b/a.aaa.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrossedSignals Posted May 10, 2012 Share Posted May 10, 2012 QUOTE (Cygnus @ Apr 16 2012, 02:16 PM)http://edge.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/218923/82458717.jpg So true. I'm suddenly disgusted with myself.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Babycat Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 QUOTE (Cygnus @ Mar 5 2012, 08:43 PM) http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/dating-fails-dating-fails-zombies-just-get-it-you-know.png "Braaaaaiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnns" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Babycat Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 QUOTE (Daylin @ May 3 2012, 08:31 PM) QUOTE (Cygnus @ Apr 16 2012, 12:16 PM) http://edge.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/218923/82458717.jpg Yep True... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted June 18, 2012 Share Posted June 18, 2012 http://edge.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/218923/82608138.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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