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The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)


The Notorious B.S.G.
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A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

 

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QUOTE (BSG @ Sep 1 2004, 04:14 PM)
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

laugh.gif laugh.gif rr.gif

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QUOTE (BSG @ Sep 1 2004, 04:14 PM)
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

I wonder what it would be like to hear that?????? biggrin.gif

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QUOTE (Snowdog @ Sep 1 2004, 03:28 PM)
What is the definition of "making love"? It's what a woman does while a man is f%$#ng! biggrin.gif

OMG...if THAT isn't the truth!

 

tempted.gif

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QUOTE (GhostGirl @ Sep 1 2004, 04:52 PM)
QUOTE (Snowdog @ Sep 1 2004, 03:28 PM)
What is the definition of "making love"? It's what a woman does while a man is f%$#ng! biggrin.gif

OMG...if THAT isn't the truth!

 

tempted.gif

Yup! common001.gif

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***Bad Taste Warning!*** Bad Taste Warning***

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why won't it take Governor McGreevey long to get out of the Governor's Mansion?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He's already got his s*%t packed! rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif

Edited by Snowdog
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

 

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

 

The guy says "No, what?"

 

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue

ball and stuff".

 

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

 

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

 

"No, what?" replies the guy.

 

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."

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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

 

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

 

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

 

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

 

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

 

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

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QUOTE (BSG @ Sep 1 2004, 03:47 PM)
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/bsg2112/tabby_tote.jpg

OMG!!!! laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

 

 

REEAAAWWWWRRRR!!!!!

 

*no offence to cat lovers!!*

 

(no cats were harmed during the making of this commercial)

 

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

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Woman's and Man's Prayer

 

Woman's Prayer

 

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep

One who is handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he speaks. When he says he'll call, he won't wait

weeks.

 

I pray that he is gainfully employed. When I spend his cash, he won't be

annoyed.

 

Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more.

 

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "How

big is my behind?"

 

I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never attempt to hit on my

friend.

Amen.

+++++++++++++++++++++

 

MAN'S PRAYER

 

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store

and a boat.

Amen

 

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One Good Reason Not to Flirt !

 

ONE GOOD REASON WHY NOT TO FLIRT!!!!!

 

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

 

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke Without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

 

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

 

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

 

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

 

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

 

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked,"Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

 

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

 

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

 

 

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Dear Abby:

 

My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The

other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be

able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it

turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big

f*&%$g red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time

he'll buy me a diamond.

 

Sincerely,

Bitchy in Illinois

 

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MAN OF THE HOUSE

 

A husband had just finished a book titled, "Man of the House." He stormed into the house and walked right up to his wife.

 

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

 

"The funeral director?" said his wife.

 

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