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A Handy Dictionary to Deciphering Personals Ads


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WOMEN'S ADS

 

40-ish..........................49

Adventurer......................Slept with all your friends

Athletic........................No tits

Average looking.................Has a face like a basset hound

Beautiful.......................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile................Does a lot of Ecstasy

Educated........................Banged her Political Science professor

Emotionally Secure..............Medicated

Feminist........................Fat ballbuster

Free spirit.....................Junkie

Friendship first................Trying to live down reputation as a slut

Fun.............................Annoying

Gentle......................... Comatose

Good Listener...................Borderline Autistic

New-Age.........................All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned...................Lights out,missionary position only, no BJs

Open-minded.....................Desperate

Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate......................Sloppy drunk

Poet............................Depressive Schizophrenic

Professional....................Certified Bitch

Redhead.........................Bad dye-job

Reubenesque.....................Grossly Fat

Romantic........................Looks better by candle light

Social..........................Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray

Voluptuous......................Very Fat

Weight proportion w/ height.....Hugely Fat -as tall as you are wide

Wants Soulmate..................Stalker

Widow...........................Drove first husband to shoot himself

Young at heart..................Old bat

 

MEN'S ADS

 

40-ish..........................52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic........................Watches a lot of NASCAR

Average looking.................Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

Educated........................Will patronize the shit out of you

Free Spirit.....................Banging your sister

Friendship first................As long as friendship involves nookie

Fun.............................Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking....................Arrogant

Very good looking...............Dumb as a board

Honest..........................Pathological Liar

Huggable........................Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Likes to cuddle.................Insecure mama's boy

Mature..........................Older than your father

Open-minded.....................Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested

Physically fit..................Does a lot of 12-ounce curls

Poet............................Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall

Sensitive.......................Cries at chick flicks

Very sensitive..................Gay

Spiritual.......................Got laid in a cemetery once

Stable..........................Arrested for stalking, but not convicted

Thoughtful......................Says "Excuse me" when he farts

 

 

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